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KNICKERBOCM'^' 
HISTORY OF 

NEW YOEK. 



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LOVELL'S LIBRARYi-CATALOGUE. 



Hjrperion, by H. W. Longfellow , .20 
Outre-Mer, by H. W. Longfellow. 20 
The Happy Boy, by Bjornaou — 10 

Arne, by BjOrnson 10 

Fraukenstein, by Mrs. Shelley... 10 

The Last of the Mohicans 20 

Clytie, by Joseph Hutton 20 

The Moonstone, by t oliins, P't 1. 10 
The Moonstone, by Collins, P'tll. 10 
Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens. 20 
The Coming Race, by Lytton....lO 

Leila, by Lord Lytton 10 

The Three Spaniards, by Walker. 20 
TheTricksoftheGreeksUnveiled.20 
L'Abbe Constantin, by Halevy,.20 
Freckles, by R. F.Redcliflf.. ..20 
The Dark Colleen, by Harriett Jay.20 
They Were Married! by Walter 

Besant and James Rice 10 

Seekers after God, by Ftrrar 20 

The Spanish Nun, byDeQuincey.lO 

The Green Mountain Boys ^0 

Fleurette, by Engene Scribe CO 

Second Thoughts, by Broughton.20 
The New Magdalen, by Collins.. 20 

Divorce, by Margaret Lee .20 

Life of Washington, by Henley. .20 
Social Etiquette, by Mrs. Saville.l5 
Single Heart and Double Face.. 10 

Irene, by Carl Detlef 20 

Vice Versa, by F. Anstey 20 

Ernest IMaltravers, by Lord Lytton20 
The Haunted House and Calderon 

the Courtier, by Lord Lytton. .10 
John Halifax, by Mips Mulock. . .20 

800 Leagues on the Amazon 10 

The Cryptogram, by Jules Verne.lO 

Life of Marion, by Horry 20 

Paul and Virginia 10 

Tale of Two Cities, by Dickens. .2 ■ 

The Hermits, by Kingaley 20 

An Adventure in Thule, and Mar- 
riage of Moira Fergus, Black .10 

A Marriage in High Life 20 

Robin, by Mrs. Parr 20 

Two on a Tower, byThos. nardy,20 
Rasseias, by Samue! Johnson .... 10 
Alice; or, the Mysteries, being 

Part II. of Ernest Maltravers. .20 
Duke of Kandos, by A, Mathey...20 

Baron Munchausen 10 

A Princess of Thiile, by Black.. 20 
The Secret Despatch, by Grant, 20 
Early Days of Christian-'ty, by 

Canon Farrar, D D , Part I. . . .SO 
Early Days of Christianity, Pt. 11.20 
Vicar of Wakefield, by Goldsmith. 10 
Progress and Poverty, by Henry 

George 20 

The Spy, by Cooper 20 

Ea>^t Lyune, or Mrs. Wood... 20 
A Strange Story, by Lord Lyttoa .20 

Adam Bede, by Eliot, Parti 15 

Adam Bede, Part II 15 

The Golden Shaft, by Gibbon .... 20 

Porti.'i, by The Duchess 20 

Last Days of Pompeii, by Lytton.. 20 
The Two Duchesses, by Maihey. .20 
Tom Brown's School Days... 20 



63. The Wooing O't, by Mrs. Alex- 
ander, Part I 15 

The Wooing O't, Partll 15 

63. The Vendetta, by Balzac ,.30 

64. Hypatia,byChas.Kingsley,P'tI.15 
Hypatia, by Kingsley, Part II — 15 

65. Selma, by Mrs. J.Q.Smith 15 

66. Margaret and her Bridesmaids. .20 

67. Horse Shoe Robinson, Part I .... 15 
Horse Shoe Robinson, Part II... 15 

68. Gulliver's Travels, by Swift 20 

69. Amos Barton, by George Eliot... 10 

70. The Berber, by W. E. Mayo 20 

71. Silas Marner, oy George Eliot. . . 10 

72. The Queen of the County 20 

73. Life of Cromwell, by Hood... 15 

74. Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. 20 

75. Child's History of England 20 

70. Molly Bawn, by The Duchess... 20 

77. Pillone, by William BergsOe 15 

78. Phyllis, by The Duchess 30 

79. Romola, by Geo. Eliot, Part I. . .15 
Romola, by Geo. Eliot, Part II. .15 

80. Science in Short Chapters 20 

81. Zanoni, by Lord Lytton 20 

82. A Daughter of Heth .20 

83. The Right and Wrong Uses of C 

the Bible, R. Heber Newton... 20 

84. Night and Morning, Pt. 1 15 

Night and Morning, Part II 15 

85. Shandon Bells, by Wm. Black.. 20 

86. Monica, by the Duchess 10 

87. Heart and Science, by Collins. . .20 

88. The Golden Calf, by Braddon.. .20 

89. The Dean's Daughter 20 

90. Mrs. Geoffrey, by The Duchess.. 20 

91. Pickwick Papers, Part 1 20 

Pickwick Papers, Part II 20 

9-1. Airy, Fairy Lilian, The Duchess. "^0 

93. McLeod of Dare, by Wm. Black 

94. Tempest Tossed, by Ti! ton, P't I 20 
Tempest Tossed,by Til ton, P'tnSO 

95. Letters from High Latitudes, by 

Lord Dufferiu 20 

96. Gideon Fleyce, by Lucy 20 

97. India and Ceylon, by E. Hseckel . .20 

9S. The Gypsy Queen 20 

99. The Admiral's Ward 20 

100. Nimport, by E. L. Bvnner, P't I . .15 
Nimport, byE. L. Bynner, P't 11,15 

101 . Ilrary Holbrooke ... .20 

1C2. Tritons, by E.L. Bynner, P't I. . .15 

Tritons, by E. L. Bynner, P t II . . 15 

103. Let Nothing You Dismay, by 

Walter Be-ant 10 

104. Lady Audley's Secret, by Miss 

M. E, Braddon 20 

105. Woman's Place To-day, by Mrs. 

LillieDevereux Blake 20 

100. Dunallan, by Kennedy, Part I... 15 
Dunallan, by Kennedy, Part II. .13 

107. Housekeeping and Home-mak- 

ing, by Marion Harland 15 

108. NoNewThing, by W.E.Norris.20 

109. The Spoopendyke Papers 20 

110. False Hopes, byGoldwin Smith.l5 

111. Labor and Capital 20 

113. Wanda, by Ouida, Part 1 15 

Wanda, by Ouida, Part II ..... .15 



HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 



FROM THE 



BEGINNING OF THE WORLD TO THE END 
np rp^v nuTCH DYNASTY. 



.NG, AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, THE 
.TTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, THE 
DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM, THE TESTY,* AND THE 
CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER, THE HEAD- 
STRONG — THE THREE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF NEW 
AMSTERDAM; BEING THE ONLY AUTHENTIO 
HISTORY OF THE TIMES THAT EVER HATH 
BEEN, OR EVER WILL BE PUBLISHED. 



BY 

nol 

j_ylEDRlCH KNICKERBOCKER. 



De waarheid die in duister lag, 

De konit mib klaaiheid aau den dag. 



NEW YORK: 
JOHN W. LOVELL, COMPANY, 

14 & 16 Yesey Street, 
1883. 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR 



It was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part of the 
autumn of 1808, that a stranger appHed for lodgings at the 
Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry-street, of which I 
am landlord. He was a smaU, brisk-looking old gentleman, 
dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of ohve velvet breeches, 
and a small cocked hgpt. He had a few gray hairs plaited and 
clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some eight-and- 
forty hours' growth. The only piece of finery which he bore 
about him, was a bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles, 
and aU his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags, 
which he carried under his arm. His whole appearance was 
something out of the common run ; and my wife, who is a very 
shrewd body, at once set him down for some eminent country 
schoolmaster. 

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, 
I was a httle puzzled at first where to put him ; but my wife, 
who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put him in her 
best chamber, which is genteelly set off with the profiles of the 
whole family, done in black, by those two great painters. Jar- 
vis and Wood ; and commands a very pleasant view of the new 
grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the Poor- 
House and Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital ; so that 
it is the cheerfulest room in the whole house. 

During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found him 
a very worthy, good sort of an old gentleman, though a httle 
queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days to- 
gether, and if any of the children cried, or made a noise about 
his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his 
hands full of papers, and say something about "deranging his 
ideas ;" which made my wife believe sometimes that he was 
not altogether compos. Indeed, there was more than one rea- 
son to make her think so, for his room was always covered 
with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, laying about at 



10 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

sixes and sevens, which he would never let any body touch; 
for he said he had laid them all away in their proper places, so 
that he might know where to find them ; though for that mat- 
ter, he was half his time worrying about the house in search of 
some book or writing which he had carefully put out of the 
way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, be- 
cause my wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, 
and put every thing to rights ; for he swore he would never be 
able to get his papers in order again in a twelvemonth. Upon 
this my wife ventured to ask him what he did with so many 
books and papers? and he told her that he was "seeking for 
immortahty ;" which made her think, more than ever, that the 
poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. 

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room 
was continually poking about town, hearing all the news, and 
prying into every thing that was going on : this was particularly 
the case about election time, when he did nothing but bustle 
about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and com- 
mittee rooms; though I could never find that he took part 
with either side of the question. On the contrary, he would 
come home and rail at both parties with great wrath — and 
plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and 
three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, that the two 
parties were like two rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the 
nation ; and that in the end they would tear the very coat off 
its back, and expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was an oracle 
among the neighbours, who would collect around him to hear 
him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench 
before the door ; and I really believe he would have brought 
over the whole neighbourhood to his own side of the question, 
if they could ever have found out what it was. 

He was very much given to argue, or as he called it, philoso- 
phize, about the most trifling matter ; and to do him justice, I 
never knew any body that was a match for him, except it was 
a grave-looking old gentleman who called now and then to see 
him, and often posed him in an argument. But this is nothing 
surprising, as I have since found out this stranger is the city 
librarian; and, of course, must be a man of great learning: 
and I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the follow- 
ing history. 

As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had 
never received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat un- 
easy, and curious to find out who and what he was. She ac- 



ACCOUNT OF THE AXITHOR. 11 

Cordingly made bold to put the question to his friend, the 
librarian, who rephed in his dry way that he was one of the 
literati, which she supposed to mean some new party in poh- 
tics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay ; so I let day after 
day pass on without dunning the old gentleman for a farthing: 
but my wife, who always takes these matters on herself, and 
is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of pa- 
tience, and hinted, that she thought it high time " some people 
should have a sight of some people's money." To which the 
old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she 
jieed not make herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there, 
(pointing to his saddle-bags,) worth her whole house put to- 
gether. This was the only answer we could ever get from 
him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in which 
women find out every thing, learnt that he was of very great 
connexions, being related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghti- 
koke, and cousin-german to the Congressman of that name, 
she did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she 
even offered, merely by way of making things easy, to let hiin 
live scot-free, if he would teach the children their letters ; and 
to try her best and get her neighbours to send their children 
also ; but the old gentleman took • it in such dudgeon, and 
seemed so affronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, that 
she never dared speak on the subject again. 

About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with a 
bundle in his hand — and has never* been heard of since. All 
kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote 
to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that 
he had not been there since the year before last, when he had 
a gi-eat dispute with the Congressman about politics, and left 
the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any 
thing of him from that time to this. I must own I felt very 
much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought 
something bad must have happened to him, that he should be 
missing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I therefore 
advertised him in the newspapers, and though my melancholy 
advertisement was published by several humane printers, yet 
I have never been able to learn any thing satisfactory about 
him. 

My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves, 
and see if he had left any thing behind in his room, that would 
pay us for his board and lodging. We found nothing, how- 
ever, but some old books and musty writings, and his saddle- 



13 A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

bags, which, being opened in the presence of the Hbrarian, 
contained only a few articles of worn-out clothes, and a large 
bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian 
told us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gen- 
tleman had spoke about ; as it proved to be a most excellent 
and faithful History of New- York, which he advised us by 
all means to publish : assuring us that it would be so eagerly 
bought up by a discerning public, that he had no doubt it 
would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over. Upon 
this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches our chil- 
dren, to prepare it for the press, which he accordingly has 
done; and has, moreover, added to it a number of valuable 
notes of his own. 

This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for having 
this work printed, without waiting for the consent of the 
author : and I here declare, that if he ever returns, (though I 
much fear some unhappy accident has befallen him,) I stand 
ready to account with him like a true and honest man. Which 
is all at present, 

From the public's humble "Serv't, 

Seth Handaside. 

Independent Columbian Hotel, New- York. 



The foi egoing account of the author was prefixed to the first 
edition of this work. Shortly after its publication a letter was 
received from liim, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch 
village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he had travelled 
for the purpose of inspecting certain ancient records. As this 
was one of those few and happy villages into wliich newspa- 
pers never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise, that 
Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen the numerous ad- 
vertisements that were made concerning him; and that he 
should learn of the publication of his history by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its premature appearance, as 
thereby he was prevented from making several important cor- 
rections and alterations ; as well as from profiting by many 
curious hints which he had collected during his travels along 
the shores of the Tappaan Sea, and his sojourn at Haver straw 
and Esopus. 

Finding that there was no longer any immediate necessity 
for his r^urn to New- York, he extended his journey up to the 



ACCOUNT OF TEE AUTHOR, 13 

residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither, 
he stopped for some days at Albany, for which city he is 
known to have entertained a great partiaHty. He found it, 
however, considerably altered, and was much concerned at 
the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were mak- 
ing, and the consequent dechne of the good old Dutch man- 
ners. Indeed, he was informed that these intruders were 
making sad innovations in all parts of the State ; where they 
had given great trouble and vexation to the regular Dutch 
settlers, by the introduation of turnpike gates and country 
school-houses. It is said also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook 
his head sorrowfully at noticing the gi-adual decay of the great 
Vander Heyden palace ; but was highly indignant at finding 
that the ancient Dutch church, which stood in the middle of 
thfe street, had been puUed down, since his last visit. 

The fame of Mr, Knickerbocker's history having reached 
even to Albany, he received much flattering attention from 
its worthy burghers, some of whom, however, pointed out 
two or three very great errors he had fallen into, particularly 
that of suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany tea-tables, 
which, they assured him, had been discontinued for some 
years past. Several families, moreover, were somewhat 
piqued that their ancestors had not been mentioned in his 
work, and showed great jealousy of their neighbours who 
had thus been distinguished ; while the latter, it must be con- 
fessed, plumed themselves vastly thereupon : considering these 
recordings in the hght of letters-patent of nobility, estabhsh- 
ing their claims to ancestry — which, in this republican coun- 
try, is a matter of no little solicitude and vain-glory. 

It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour and countenance 
from the governor, who once asked him to dinner, and was 
seen two or three times to shake hands with him, when they 
met in the street; which certainly was going great lengths, 
considering that they differed in politics. Indeed, certain 
of the governor's confidential friends, to whom he could ven- 
ture to speak his mind freely on such matters, have assured 
us, that he privately entertained a considerable good- will for 
our author — nay, he even once went so far as to declare, and 
that openly, too, and at his own table, just after dinner, that 
" Knickerbocker was a very well-meaning sort of an old gen- 
tleman, and no fool." From all which, many have been led to 
suppose, that had our author been of different politics, and 
written for the newspapers, instead of wasting his talents on 



14 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

historie'?, he might have risen to some post of honour and 
profit : perad venture, to be a notary pubhc, or even a justice 
in the Ten Pound Court. 

Beside the honours and civihties ah-eady mentioned, he was 
much caressed by the Hterati of Albany ; particularly by Mr. 
John Cook, who entertained him very hospitably at his circu- 
lating hbrary and reading-room, where they used to drink Spa 
water, and talk about the ancients. He found Mr. Cook a man 
after his own heart — of great literary research, and a curious 
collecter of books. At parting, the latter, in testimony of 
friendship, made him a present of the two oldest works in his 
collection; which were the earliest edition of the Heidelberg 
Catecliism, and Adria^n Vander Donck's famous account of the 
New-Netherlands; by the last of which, Mr. Knickerbocker 
profited greatly in this his second edition. 

Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our 
author proceeded to Scaghtikoke ; where, it is but justice to 
say, he was received with open arms, and treated with won- 
derful loving-kindness. He was much looked up to by the 
family, being the first historian of the name ; and was consid- 
ered almost as great a man as his cousin the Congressman— 
with whom, by-the-bye, he became perfectly reconciled, and 
contracted a strong friendship. 

In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and their 
great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman soon became 
restless and discontented. His history being published, he had 
no longer any business to occupy his thoughts, or any scheme 
to excite his hopes and anticipations. This, to a busy mind 
like his, was a truly deplorable situation ; and, had he not been 
a man of inflexible morals and regular habits, there would 
have been great danger of his taking to politics, or drinking 
— both which pernicious vices we daily see men driven to, by 
mere spleen and idleness. 

It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing a 
•second edition of his history, wherein he endeavoured to correct 
and improve many passages with which he was dissatisfied, 
and to rectify some mistakes that had crept into it ; for he was 
particularly anxious that his work should be noted for its 
authenticity, which, indeed, is the very life and soul of his- 
tory. But the glow of composition had departed — he had to 
leave many places untouched, which he would fain have 
altered ; and even where he did make alterations, he seemed 
always in doubt whether they were for the better or the worse. 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 15 

After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he began to 
feel a strong desire to return to New- York, which he ever re- 
garded with the warmest affection, not merely because it was 
his native city, but because he really considered it the very 
best city in the whole world. On his return, he entered into 
the full enjoyment of the advantages of a literary reputation. 
He was continually importuned to write advertisements, pe- 
titions, hand-bills, and productions of similar import ; and,^al- 
though he never meddled with the public papers, yet had he 
the credit of writing innumerable essays, and smart things, 
that appeared on all subjects, and all sides of the question ; 
in all which he was clearly detected "by his style." 

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the post- 
office, in consequence of the nmnerous letters he received from 
authors and printers soliciting his subscription; and he was 
applied to by every charitable society for yearly donations, 
which he gave very cheerfully, considering these applications 
as so many complinents. He was once invited to a great cor- 
poration dinner ; and was even twice summoned to attend as a 
juryman at the court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned 
did he become, that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, 
in all holes and corners of the city, according to the bent of his 
humour, unnoticed and uninterrupted ; but several times when 
he has been sauntering the streets, on his usual rambles of 
observation, equipped with his cane and cocked hat, the little 
boys at play have been known to cry, ' ' there goes Diedrich !" 
—at which the old gentleman seemed not a little pleased, look- 
ing upon these salutations in the light of the praises of pos- 
terity. 

In a word, if we take into consideration all these various hon- . 
ours and distinctions, together with an exuberant eulogium 
passed on him in the Port Folio — (with which, we are told, the 
old gentleman was so much overpowered, that he was sick for, 
two or three days)— it must be confessed, that few authors have 
ever lived to receive such illustrious rewards, or have so* com- 
pletely enjoyed in advance their own immortality. 

After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker took 
up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the Stuyvesants 
had granted him on the family "domain, in gratitude for his 
honourable mention of their ancestor. It was pleasantly situ- 
ated on the borders of one of the salt marshes beyond Corlear's 
Hook: subject, indeed, to be occasionally overflowed, and 
much infested, in the summer-time, with mosquitoes; but 



16 A mSTORt OF :^EW-YORK. 

otherwise very agreeable, producing abundant Crops of salt 
grass and bulrushes. 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dan- 
gerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring marshes. 
When he found his end approaching, he disposed of hisworldly 
affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the New York Histo- 
rical Society ; his Heidelberg Catechism, and Vander Donck's 
work to the city library; and his saddle-bags to Mr. Handa- 
side. He forgave all his enemies, — that is to say, all who bore 
any enmity towards him; for as to himself, he declared he 
died in good- will with all the world. And, after dictating sev- 
eral kind messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to 
certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he expired in the 
arms of his friend the librarian. 

His remains were interred, according, to his own request, 
in St. Mark's churchyard, close by the bones of his favorite 
hero, Peter Stuy vesant : and it is rumoured, that the Histori- 
cal Society have it in mind to erect a wooden monument to 
his memory in the Bowling-G reen. 



TO THE PUBLIC. 



** To rescue from oblivion the memory of former incidents, and 
to render a just tribute of renown to the many great and won- 
derful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich Knicker- 
bocker, native of the city of New- York, produces this historical 
essay. " * Like the Great Father of History, whose words I have 
just quoted, I treat of times long past, over which the twilight 
of uncertainty had already thrown its shadows, and the night 
of forgetfulness was about to descend for ever. With great 
solicitude had I long beheld the early history of this venerable 
and ancient city gradually slipping from our grasp, trembhng 
on the lips of narrative old age, and day by day dropping piece- 
meal into the tomb. In a little while, thought I, and those 
reverend Dutch burghers, who serve as the tottering monu- 
ments of good old times, will be gathered to their fathers ; their 
children, engrossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant 
transactions of the present age, will neglect to treasure up the 
recollections of the past, and posterity will search in vain for 
memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of our 
city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names 
and achievements of Wouter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and 
Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, Hke those 
of Eomulus and Remus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinal- 
do, and Godfrey of Bologne. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened 
misfortune, I industriously set myself to work, to gather 
together all the fragments of our infant history which still ex- 
isted, and like my revered prototype, Herodotus, where no 
written records could be found, I have endeavoured to continue 
the chain of history by well-authentica.ted traditions. 

In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole busi- 



* Beloe's Herodotus, 



18 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

ness of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the number of 
learned authors I have consulted ; and all but to little purpose. 
Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of excellent 
works have been written about this country, there are none 
extant which give any full and satisfactory account of the 
early history of New- York, or of its three first Dutch Gover- 
nors. I have, however, gained much valuable and curious 
matter, from an elaborate manuscript written in exceeding 
pure and classic Low Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthog- 
raphy, which v/as found in the archives of the Stuyvesant 
family. Many legends, letters, and other documents have I 
likewise gleaned, in my researches among the family chests 
and lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens ; and I 
have gathered a host of well-authenticated traditions from 
divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, who requested 
that their names might not be mentioned. Nor must I neglect 
to acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted by that 
admirable and praiseworthy institution, the New- York His- 
torical Society, to which I here publicly return my sincere 
acknowledgments. 

In the conduct of this inestimable work, I have adopted no 
individual model ; but, on the contrary, have simply contented 
myself with combining and concentrating the excellencies of 
the most approved ancient historians. Like Zenophon, I have 
maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence 
to truth, throughout my history. I have enriched it, after the 
manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies, 
drawn at full length and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned 
it with profound political speculations like Thucydides, sweet- 
ened it with the graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused 
into the whole the dignity, the grandeur, and magnificence of 
Livy. 

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous very 
learned and judicious critics, for indulging too frequently in 
the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to 
be candid, I have found it impossible always to resist the allure- 
ments of those pleasing episodes, which, like flowery banks and 
fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian, and -en- 
tice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from his Avayfaring. 
But I trust it will be found that I have always resumed my 
staff, and addressed myself to my weary journey with reno- 
vated spirits, so that both my readers and myself have been 
benefited by the relaxalation. 



TO THE PUBLIC. 19 

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform 
endeavour to rival Polybius himseK, in observing the requisite 
imity of History, yet the loose and unconnected manner in 
which many of the facts herein recorded have come to hand, 
rendered such an attempt extremely dijOScult. This difficulty 
was hkewise increased, by one of the grand objects contempla- 
ted in my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry customs 
and institutions in this best of cities, and to compare them, 
when in the germ of infancy, with what they are in the present 
old age of knowledge and improvement. 

But the chief merit on which I value myself, and found my 
hopes for future regard, is that faithful veracity with which I 
have compiled this invaluable httle work ; carefully winnowing 
away the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares of fable, 
which are too apt to spring up and choke the seeds of truth and 
wholesome knowledge. Had I been anxious to captivate the 
superficial throng, who skim hke swallows over the surface of 
literature ; or had I been anxious to commend my writings to 
the pampered palates of Hterary epicures, I might have availed 
myseK of the obscurity that overshadows the infant years of 
our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. But I have 
scrupulously discarded many a pithy tale and marvellous ad- 
venture, whereby the drowsy ear of summer indolence might 
be enthralled ; jealously maintaining that fidehty, gravity, and 
dignity, which should ever distinguish the historian. " For a 
writer of this class," observes an elegant critic, " must sustain 
the character of a wise man, writing for the instruction of pos- 
terity; one who has studied to inform himself well, who has 
pondered his subject with care, and addresses himself to our 
judgment, rather than to our imagination." 

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city, in having 
incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; and doubly 
thrice happy is it in having such a historian as myself to re- 
late them. For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves^ and, 
in fact, empires of themselves^ are nothing without a historian. 
It is the patient narrator who records their prosperity as they 
rise — who blazons forth the splendour of their noontide meri- 
dian—who props their feeble memorials as they totter to decay 
— who gathers together their scattered fragments as they rot — 
and who piously, at length, collects their ashes into the mauso- 
leum of his work, and rears a monument that wiU transmit 
their renown to all succeeding ages. 

What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity, 



20 A lUSTOBT OF NEW-YORK. 

whose nameless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and Asia, 
and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller? They have 
sunk into dust and silence— they have perished from remem- 
brance, for want of a historian ! The philanthropist may weep 
over their desolation— the poet may wander among their 
mouldering arches and broken columns, and indulge the vision- 
ary flights of his fancy — but alas ! alas ! the modern historian, 
whose pen, hke my own, is doomed to confine itself to duU 
matter of fact, seeks in vain among their oblivious remains for 
some memorial that may tell the instructive tale of their glory 
and their ruiu. 

"Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristotle, "destroy 
nations, and with them all their monuments, their discoveries, 
and their vanities. The torch of science has more than once 
been extinguished and rekindled— a few individuals, who have 
escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations." 

The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many 
ancient cities, will happen again, and from the same sad cause, 
to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on the face of the 
globe. With most of them, the time for recording their early 
history is gone by; their origin, their foundation, together 
with the eventful period of their youth, are for ever buried in the 
rubbish of years ; and the same would have been the case with 
this fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from ob- 
scurity in the very nick of time, at the moment that those 
matters herein recorded were about entering into the wide- 
spread insatiable maw of obhvion— if I had not dragged them 
out, as it were, by the very locks, just as the monster's ada- 
mantine fangs were closing upon them for ever! And here 
have I, as before observed, carefully collected, collated, and 
arranged them, scrip and scrap, ''punt en punt, gat en gat,'''' 
and conunenced in this httle work, a history to serve as a 
foundation, on which other historians may hereafter raise a 
nob^e superstructure, swelling in process of time, until Knicker- 
bocker's New- York may be equally voluminous with Gibbon^ 8 
Borne, or Hume and SmoUetfs England ! 

And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my 
pen, skip to some httle eminence at the distance of two or three 
hundred years ahead; and, casting back a bird's-eye glance 
over the waste of years that is to roll between, discover myself 
—little I !— at this moment the progenitor, prototype, and pre- 
cursor of them all, posted at the head of this host of literary 
worthies, with my book under my arm, and New-York on my 



TO THE PUBLIC. vj^ 

back, pressing forward, like a gallant commander, to honour 
and immortality. 

Such are the vain-glorious imaginings that will now and 
then enter into the brain of the author — that irradiate, as with 
celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his weary spiiits, 
and animating him to persevere in his labours. And I have 
freely given utterance to these rhapsodies, whenever they have 
occurred ; not, I trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism, but 
merely that the reader may for once have an idea, how an au- 
thor thinks and feels while he is writing — 3> kind of knowledge 
ve?y rare and curious and much to be desired. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 



By DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER. 



Mt bjaarl)et& hit in MsUx lajj, 

Mt komt mit felaari)£iii aan lim Irajj. 



BOOK L 



CONTAINING DIVERb INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHl^ 
LOSOPHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREA- 
TION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CON- 
NECTED WITH THE HI STOP Y OF NEW YORK. 



CHAPTER I. 

DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 

According to the best authorities, the world in which we 
dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate mass, floating in 
the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It has the form of 
an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at 
opposite parts, for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which 
are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre ; thus forming 
an axis on which the mighty orange turns with a regular diur- 
nal revolution. 

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the 
alternations of day and night, are produced by this diurnal 
revolution successively presenting the different parts of the 
earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, according to the 
best, that is to say, the latest accounts, a luminous or fiery 
body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is 
driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is 
drawn by a centripetal or attractive force, otherwise called the 



24 A BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the coun- 
teraction, of these two opposing impulses producing a circular 
and annual revolution. Hence result the different seasons of 
the year, viz., spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on the 
subject — though there be many philosophers who have enter- 
tained very different opinions ; some, too, of them entitled to 
much deference from their great antiquity and illustrious cha- 
racters. Thus it was advanced by some of the ancient sages, 
that the earth was an extended plain, supported by vast pillars ; 
and by others, that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back 
of a huge tortoise — but as they did not provide a resting place 
for either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to 
the ground, for want of proper foundation. 

The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the earth, 
and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, 
moving from east to west by day, and gliding along the edge of 
the horizon to their original stations during the night ; * while, 
according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, en- 
circled by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other dehcious 
liquids; that it is studded with seven mountains, and orna- 
mented in the centre by a mountainous'rock of burnished gold ; 
and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, 
which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses, t 

Beside these, and many other equally sage opinions, we 
have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassa2^-Aly, son of 
Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, 
son of Masoud-el-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, 
and surnamed Cothbiddin, but who takes the humble title of 
Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the companion of the ambassa- 
dor of God. He has written a universal history, entitled 
*' Mouroudge-ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the Mines 
of Precious Stones. "J In this valuable work he has related 
the history of the world, from the creation down to the mo- 
ment of writing; which was under the Cahphate of Mothi 
Bniah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year of 
the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the 
earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, 
Persia and India the right wing, the land of Gog the left 
wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, moreover, that an 



* Faria y Souza. Mick, Lus. note b. 7. 

+ Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. X MSS. Bibliot. Roi. Fr. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 25 

earth has existed before the present, (which he considers as 
a mere chicken of 7,000 years,) that it has undergone divers 
deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well- 
informed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be renovated 
every seventy-thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam con- 
sisting of 12,000 years. 

These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of phi- 
losophers concerning the earth, and we find that the learned 
have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the sun. Some 
of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast wheel 
of brilliant fire ; * others, that it is merely a mirror or sphere of 
transparent crystal ; t and a third class, at the head of wJiom 
stands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was nothing but a huge 
ignited mass of iron or stone — indeed, he declared the heavens 
to be merely a vault of stone — and that the stars were stones 
whirled upward from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity 
of its revolutions. | But I give little attention to the doctrines 
of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted 
them, by banishing him from their city; a concise mode of 
answering unwelcome doctrines, much resorted to in former 
days. Another sect of philosophers do declare, that certain 
fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, which, concen- 
trating in a single point of the firmament by day, constitute 
the sun, but being scattered and rambling about in the dark 
at night, collect in various points, and form stars. These are 
regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unhke to the lamps 
in our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for the 
next occasion. § 

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscure 
periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has 
been completely burnt out, and sometimes not rekindled for a 
month at a time ; — a most melancholy circumstance, the very 
idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy 
weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these various 
speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a 
magnificent, habitable abode; the light it furnishes arising 



* Plutarch de Placitis Philosoph. lib. iii. cap. 20. 

+ Achill. Tat. Isag. cap, 19. A p. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. 
Plut. dePlac, Phi. 

X Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. I. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. 1. 1, p. 26. Plut. de Plac. 
Philo. Xenoph. Mem. 1. iv. p. 815. 

§ Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Eel. Phys. I. i. p. 55. 
pruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p. 1154, &c. 



26 A eistout of newtobk, 

from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swim- 
ming in its transparent atmosphere.* 

But we will not enter farther at present into the nature of 
the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately necessary to 
the development of this history ; neither will we embroil our- 
selves in any more of the endless disputes of philosophers 
touching the form of this globe, but content ourselves with the 
theory advanced in the beginning of this chapter, and will pro- 
ceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of motion 
therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet. 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name may 
be rendered into English) was long celebrated in the university 
of Leyden, for profound gravity of deportment, and a talent of 
going to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the infinite 
relief of his Iwpeful students, who thereby worked their way 
through college with great ease and httle study. In the coui-se 
of one of his lectures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of 
water, swung it round his head at arm's-length. The impulse 
with which he threw the vessel from him being a centrifugal 
force, the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal 
power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, 
describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and 
ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which formed no 
bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were 
duly explained to the class of gaping students round him. He 
apprised them, moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, 
which retained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean 
from flying from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he 
farther informed them, that should the motion of the earth be 
suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, 
through the centripetal force of gravitation; a most ruinous 
event to this planet, and one which would also obscure, though 
it most probably would not extinguish, the solar luminarj^ 
An unlucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses who seem 
sent into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the pud- 
dinghead order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the 
experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just 
at the moment the bucket was in its zenith, which immedi- 
ately descended with astonishing precision upon the head of 
the philosopher. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended 
the contact'; but the theory was in the amplest manner illus- 

* PhilQS. Trans, 1795, p, 72. Idem. 1801, p. 265. Nich. Philos. Journ. i. p. 13. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK, 27 

trated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but 
the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft emerged 
from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with un- 
utterable indignation, whereby the students were marvellously 
edified, and departed considerably wiser than before. 

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes 
many a philosopher, that Nature often refuses to second his 
efforts ; so that after having invented one of the most ingeni- ■ 
ous and natural theories imaginable, she will have the per- 
verseness to act directly in the teeth of it. This is a manifest 
and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of the 
vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher; whereas 
the fault is to be ascribed to dame Nature, who, with the pro- 
verbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coque- 
tries and caprices ; and who seems to take pleasure in violating 
all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and inde- 
fatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the 
foregoing explanation of the motion of our planet ; it appears 
that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to operate, 
while its antagonist remains in undiminished potency: the 
world, therefore, ought, in strict propriety, to tumble into the 
sun; philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and 
awaited in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their prog- 
nostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously continued 
her course, notwithstanding that she bad reason, philosophy, 
and a whole university of learned professors, opposed to her 
conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is 
thought they would never have pardoned the slight which 
they conceived put upon them by the world, had not a good- 
natured professor kindly officiated as a mediator between the 
parties and effected a reconcihation. 

Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the 
theory, he wisely accommodated the theory to the world : he 
informed his brother philosophers that the circular motion of 
the earth round the sun was no sooner engendered by the con- 
flicting impulses above described, than it became a regular 
revolution, independent of the causes which gave it origin. 
His learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, heartily 
glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them 
from their embarrassment— and ever since that era the world 
has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around 
the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper. 



28 A HISTORY OF NEW' YORK. 



CHAPTER II. 

COSMOGONY, OR CREATION OF THE WORLD; WITH A MULTITUDE 
OF EXCELLENT THEORIES, BY WHICH THE CREATION OP A 
WORLD IS SHOWN TO BE NO SUCH DIFFICULT MATTER AS COM- 
MON FOLK WOULD IMAGINE. 

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and 
given hun some idea of its form and situation, he will natu- 
rally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was 
created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is abso- 
lutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had 
not been formed, it is more than probable that this renowned 
fsland on which is situated the city of New-York, would never 
have had an existence. The regular course of my history, 
therefore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmo- 
gony, or formation of this our globe. 

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to 
plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as 
ever historian was perplexed withal ; therefore, I advise them 
to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, 
venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, Ipst they 
get bemired in a slough of uninteUigible learning, or have theii» 
brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which 
will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them 
be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this 
perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, 
and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter. 

Of the creation of the world, we have a thousand contradic- 
tory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory one is furnished 
us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in 
honour bound to furnish us with a better. As an impartial 
historian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, 
by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified and in- 
structed. 

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the 
earth and the whole system of the universe was the deity him- 
self;* a doctrine most strenuously maintained by Zenophanes 
and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabo and the sect 

* Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 



A HtStORT OF NEW-tORK. ^9 

of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated 
the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and triad, 
and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the forma- 
tion of the world, the arcana of nature, and the principles both 
of music and morals.* Other sages adhered to the mathe- 
matical system of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyra- 
mid, and the sphere, the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the' 
icosahedron, and the dodecahedron, t While others advocated 
the great elementary theory, which refers the construction of 
our globe, and all that it contains, to the combination of four, 
material elements— air, earth, fire, and water; with the assist- 
ance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system, taught 
by old Moschus, before the siege of Troy ; revived by Democ- 
ritus, of laughing memory ; improved by Epicurus, that king 
of good fellows, and modernized by the fanciful Descartes. 

But I decline inquiring, whether the atoms, of which the 
earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent ; whether 
they are animate or inanimate; whether, agreeably to the 
opinion of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or, 
as the theists -maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelli- 
gence. J Whether, in fact, the earth be an insensate clod, or 
whether it be animated by a soul ; § which opinion was streuu- 
ously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head of 
whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw 
the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, 
and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love— an exquisitely 
refined intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inha- 
bitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis than to the sturdy 
race, composed of rebellions flesh and blood, which populates 
the little matter-of-fact island we inhabit. 

Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical the- 
ogony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the 
regular mode of procreation; and the plausible opinion of 
others, that the earth was hatched from the great q^^ of night, 
which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the 



* Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Ccelo, 1. iii. c. 1. Rousseau Mem. sur 
Musique ancien, p. 39. Plutarch de Plac! Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. 

+ Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii, p. 90. 

X Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. 
Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 20. 

§Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mimd ap. Plat, lib iii. Mem 
de TAcad, des Belies-Lettr. t. xxxii, p, 19, et al. 



30 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet, in his 
theory of the earth,* has favoured us with an accurate drawing 
and description, both of the form and texture of this mundane 
eg^\ which is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that 
of a goose. Such of my readers as take a proper interest in 
the origin of this our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the 
most profound sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, Chal- 
deans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins, have alternately assisted 
at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings 
have been caught, and continued in different tones and in- 
flections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the present 
day. 

But while briefly noticing long-celebrated systems of ancient 
sages, let me not pass over with neglect those of other philoso- 
phers ; which, though less universal and renowned, have equal 
claims to attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it 
is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired 
Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming himself into a 
great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the 
earth on his tusks. Then issued from liim a mighty tortoise, 
and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon 
the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head 
of the snake, t 

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world was 
made by the hands of angels, excepting their own country, 
which the Supreme Being constructed himself, that it might be 
supremely excellent. And he took great pains with the inha- 
bitants, and made them very black, and beautiful ; and when 
he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, 
and smoothed him over the face ; and hence his nose, and the 
nose of aU his descendants, became fiat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant woman 
fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her up on its 
back, because every place was covered with water ; and that 
the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands 
in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally hap- 
pened that tlie earth became higher than the water, f 

But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and 
outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in spite 
of aU their erudition, compelled them to write in languages 

* Book i, ch. 3. t Holwell, Gent. Philosophy. 

% Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk Indians. 1644, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 31 

which but few of my readers can understand ; and I shall pro- 
ceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable 
theories of their modern successors. 

And, first, I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures 
that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated 
from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a 
spark is generated by the collision of flint and steel. That at 
first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which, cooling and 
condensing in process of time, constituted, according to their 
densities, earth, water, and air; which gradually arranged 
themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the 
burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre. 

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first 
were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himself with the 
idea that the earth must be eventually washed away by the 
force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is con- 
founded with the ocean, or, in other words, absolutely dissolves 
into itself. Sublime idea! far surpassing that of the tender- 
hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; 
or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility 
of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred 
thousand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually run out 
at her eyes before half the hideous task was accomplished. 

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton 
in his researches after the longitude, (for which the mischief- 
loving Swift discharged on their heads a most savoury stanza,) 
has distinguished himself by a very admirable theory respect- 
ing the earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chaotic 
comet, which being selected for the abode of man, was removed 
from its eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its pre- 
sent regular^ motion; by which change of direction, order suc- 
ceeded to confusion in the arrangement of its component parts. 
The philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an un- 
courteous salute from the watery tail of another comet ; doubt- 
less through sheer envy of its improved condition: thus 
furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail, even 
among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial 
harmony of the spheres so melodiously sung by the poets. 

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which 
are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst ; regret- 
ting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give them 
the notice they deserve— and shall conclude with that of the 
I'QnQwned Pr, Parwin. This- learned Theban, who is as much 



32 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK, 

distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good-natured cre- 
duhty as serious research, and who has recommended him- 
self wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting 
them into all the gallantries, amours, intrigues, and other 
topics of scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory 
worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his 
opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion to ex- 
plode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the 
sun — which in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the 
earth — which in like guise exploded the moon — and thus by a 
concatenation of explosions, the whole solar system was pro- 
duced, and set most systematically in motion ! * 

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one 
of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly 
consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps 
be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so diffi- 
cult a task as they at first imagined. I have shown at least a 
score of ingenious methods in which a world could be con- 
structed ; and I have no doubt that had any of the philoso- 
phers above quoted the use of a good manageable comet, and 
the philosophical warehouse chaos at his command, he would 
engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, if you would take 
his word for it, better than this we inhabit. 

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, 
in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered philoso- 
phers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions and transi- 
tions are effected in the system of nature, than are wrought in 
a - pantomimic exhibition, by the wonder-working sword of 
Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical 
flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, 
and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and ab- 
surdity, he has "but to seize a comet by the beard, mount 
astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph, like an en- 
chanter on his hippogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broom- 
stick, " to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky." 

There is an old and vulgar saying about a '' beggar on horse- 
back," which I would not for the world have applied to these 
reverend philosophers ; but I must confess that some of them, 
when they are mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as 
wild in their curvetings as was Phaeton of yore, when he as- 
pired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet 

* Parw. Bot. Gar^len, Part. I. Cant, i. 1. 105, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 83 

at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him 
with the mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes 
his comet a mere beast of burden, carrying the slu a regular 
supply of food and fagots ; a third, of more combustible dispo- 
sition, threatens to throw his comet, hke a bombshell, into the 
world and blow it up hke a powder-magazine ; while a fourth, 
with no great dehcacy to this planet and its inhabitants, insin- 
uates that someday or other his comet — my modest pen blushes 
while I write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon our world and 
deluge it with water! — Surely, as I have already observed, 
[ comets were intended by Providence for the benefit of philoso- 
phers, to assist them in manufacturing theories. 

And now, having adduced several of the most prominent 
theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judicious 
readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all 
serious speculations of learned men — all diifer essentially from 
each other— and all have the same title to belief. It has ever 
been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish the works 
of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in 
their stead, which in their turn are demohshed and replaced 
by the air-castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would 
seem that knowledge and genius, of 'which we make such great 
parade, consist but in detecting the errors and absurdities of 
those who have gone before, and devising new errors and ab- 
surdities, to be detected by those who are to come after us. 
"" Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown- 
: lip children of science amuse themselves — while the honest 
jj vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these 
*J.learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! — Surely, Socrates 
was right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a soberer 
sort of madmen, busying themselves in things totally incom- 
prehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended, would 
be found not worth the trouble of di'scovery. 

For my own part, until the learned have come to an agree- 
ment among themselves, I shall content myself with the ac- 
count handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do but follow 
the example of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut ; who 
at their first settlement proclaimed that the colony should be 
governed by the laws of God— until they had time to make 
better. 

One thing, however, appears certain — from the unanunous 
authority of the before-quoted philosophers, supported by the 
evidence of our own senses, (which, though very apt to deceive 



34 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TOBK. 

us, may be cautiously admitted as additional testimony,) it 
appears, I say, and I make the assertion deliberately, without 
fear of contradiction, that this globe really was created^ and 
that it is composed of lavA and water. It farther appears that 
it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and 
islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned Island of 
New- York wiU be found by any one who seeks for it in its 
proper place. 



i CHAPTER III. 

HOW THAT FAMOUS NAVIGATOR, NOAH, WAS SHAMEFULLY NICK- 
NAMED ; AND HOW HE COMMITTED AN UNPARDONABLE OVER- 
SIGHT IN NOT HAVING FOUR SONS. WITH THE GREAT TROUBLE 
OF PHILOSOPHERS CAUSED THEREBY, AND THE DISCOVERY OF 
AMERICA. 

NoAH, who is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat three 
sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are not 
wanting who affirm that the patriarch had a»number of other 
children. Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Ti- 
tans ; Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus, 
and others have mentioned a son named Thuiscon, from whom 
descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or, in other words, the 
Dutch nation. 

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not per- 
mit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my -readers, by in- 
vestigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed, 
such an undertaking would be attended with more trouble 
than many people would imagine ; for the good old patriarch 
seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and to have 
passed under a different name in every country that he visited. 
The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his history, merely alter- 
ing his name into Xisuthrus— a trivial alteration, which, to a 
historian skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimpor- 
tant. It appears, likewise, thai he had exchanged his tar- 
pawling and quadrant among the Chaldeans for the gorgeous 
insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. 
The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris ; the In- 
dians, as Menu ; the Greek and Roman writers confound him 
with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But 
the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most extensive 



A E18T0RT OF NEW-TORK 35 

and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have known the 
world much longer than any one else, declare that Noah was 
no other than Fohi ; and what gives this assertion some air of 
credibihty is, that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlight- 
ened hterati, that Noah travelled into China at the time of the 
building of the tower of Babel, (probably to improve himself 
in the study of languages,) and the learned Dr. Shuckford 
gives us the additional inforraation, that the ark rested on a 
mountain on the frontiers of China. 

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, 
many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I shall con- 
tent myself with the simple fact stated in the Bible, viz., that 
Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonish- 
ing on what remote and obscure contingencies the great affairs 
of this world depend, and how events the most distant, and to 
the common observer unconnected, are inevitably consequent 
the one to the other. It remains for the philosopher to discover 
these mysterious aflBnities, and it is the proudest triumph of 
his skiU to detect and drag forth some latent chain of causa- 
tion, which at first sight appears a paradox to the inex- 
perienced observer. Thus many of my readers wiU doubtless 
wonder what connexion the family of Noah can possibly have 
with tliis history — and many will stare when informed that 
the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its 
character and course from the simple circumstance of the 
patriarch's having but three sons — but to explain : 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, becom- 
ing sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth in fee 
simple, after the deluge, like a good father, portioned out his 
estate among his children. To Shem he gave Asia ; to Ham, 
Africa ; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a thousand times to 
be lamented that he had but three sons, for had there been a 
fourth, he would doubtless have inherited America ; which, of 
course, would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on 
the occasion; and thus many a hard-working historian and 
philosopher would have been spared a prodigious mass of 
weary conjecture respecting the first discovery and population 
of this country. Noah, however, having provided for his three 
sons, looked in all probability upon our country as mere wild 
unsettled land, and said nothing about it ; and to this unpar- 
donable taciturnity of the patriarch, may we ascribe the mis- 
fortune that America did not come into the world as early as 
the other quarters of the globe. 



36 -^ HISTORY OF NEW-YOHK. 

It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this mis- 
conduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really did 
discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mart: Lescarbot, 
a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity of thought and 
profoundness of reflection so pecuhar to his nation, that the 
immediate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the 
globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a 
passion for the sea-faring life, superintended the transmigra- 
tion. The pious and enhghtened father, Charlevoix, a French 
Jesuit, remarkable for his aversion to the marvellous, com- 
mon to all great travellers, is conclusively of the same opinion; 
nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon the manner in 
which the discovery was effected, which was by sea, and under 
the immediate direction of the great Noah. "I have akeady 
observed," exclaims the good father, in a tone of becoming 
indignation, "that it is an arbitrary supposition that the 
grand-children of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new 
world, or that they never thought of it. In effect, I can see no 
reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seriously 
beheve that Noah and his immediate descendants knew less 
than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship 
that ever was, a ship* which was formed to traverse an 
unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to 
guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have com- 
municated to his descendants, the art of sailing on the ocean?" 
Therefore, they did sail on the ocean — therefore, they sailed to 
America— therefore, America was discovered by Noah. 

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strik- 
ingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed to the 
faith, rather than the understanding, is flatly opposed by Hans 
de Laert, who declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to 
suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought of discovering 
America ; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe' 
he must have been much better acquainted with the worthy 
crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed 
of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing 
how intimate historians do daily become with the patriarchs 
and other great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves 
with time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and 
famihar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should not 
be surprised if some future writers should gravely give us a 
picture of men and manners as they existed before the flood, 
far more copious and accurate than the Bible ; and that, in the 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 37 

course of another century, the log-book of the good Noali 
should be as current among historians, as the voyages of 
Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Eobinson Crusoe. 

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass 
of additional suppositions, conjectures, and probabilities, re- 
specting the first discovery of this country, with which un- 
• happy historians overload themselves, in their endeavours to 
satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to see 
these laborious wights panting, and toiling, and sweating 
under an enormous burden, at the very outset of their works, 
which, on being opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty 
bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they 
seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the 
world, that this country has been discovered^ I shall avail 
myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon this 
point. 

I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether America was 
first discovered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated 
Phoenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, circumnavi- 
gated Africa ; or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny, 
the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Islands ; or 
whether it was settled by a temporary colony, from Tyre, as 
hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall neither inquire 
whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with 
great shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwegians in 1002, 
under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the Gerpian navigator, as Mr. 
Otto has endeavoured to prove to the savans of the learned 
city of Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the 
Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the eleventh 
century, who having never returned, it has since been wisely 
concluded that he must have gone to America, and that for a 
plain reason — if he did not go there, where else could he have 
gone?— a question which most SocraticaUy shuts out all farther 
dispute. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above mentioned, 
with a multitude of others, equally satisfactory, I shall take 
for granted the vulgar opinion, that America was discovered 
on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, a G-enoese, 
who has been clumsily nicknamed Columbus, but for what 
reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and adventures of 
this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing that they are already 
suflaciently Jinown; nor shall I undertake to prove that this 



38 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK, 

Country should have been called Colonia, after his name, that 
being notoriously self-evident. 

Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the 
Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impatience to enter upon 
the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation 
that I will immediately deliver it into their possession. But if 
I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular-bred his- 
torian ! No — no— most curious and thrice learned readers, (for 
thrice learned ye are, if ye have read all that has gone before, 
and nine times learned shall ye be, if ye read that which comes 
after,) we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the 
first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe had nothing 
to do but go on shore and find a country ready laid out and 
cultivated hke a garden, wherein they might revel at their 
ease? No such thing — they had forests to cut down, under- 
wood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate. 

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, ques- 
tions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I permit you 
to range at random ; but these difficulties once overcome, we 
shall be enabled to jog on ri-ght merrily through the rest of our 
history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature 
of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry has 
been found by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense — this 
being an improvement in history, which I claim the merit of 
having invented 



CHAPTEE IV. 

SHOWING THE GREAT DIFFICULTY PHILOSOPHERS HAVE HAD IN 
PEOPLING AMERICA— AND HOW THE ABORIGINES CAME TO BE 
BEGOTTEN BY ACCIDENT — TO THE GREAT RELIEF AND SATIS- 
FACTION OF THE AUTHOR. 

The next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular course of 
our history, is to ascertain, if possible, how this country was 
originally peopled — a point fruitful of incredible embarrass- 
ment ; for unless we prove that the aborigines did absolutely 
come from somewhere, it will be immediately asserted in this 
age of scepticism that they did not come at all ; and if they 
did not come at all, then was this country never populated — a 
conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly 
irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 39 

must syllogistically prove fatel to the innumerable aborigines 
of tjiis populous region. 

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical anni- 
hilation so many millions of fellow-creatures, how many wings 
of geese have been plundered ! what oceans of ink have been 
benevolently drained! and how many capacious heads of 
learned historians have been addled, and for ever confounded ! 
I pause with reverential awe, when I contemplate the ponder- 
ous tomes, in different languages, with which they have 
endeavored to solve this question, so important to the happi- 
ness of society, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable 
obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the end- 
less circle of hypothetical argument, and after leading us a 
weary chase through octavos, quartos, and foKos, has let us 
out at the end of his work just as wise as we were at the 
beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose 
chase of the kind that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such 
a passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily, 
as "an irksome, agonizing care, a superstitious industry about 
unjDrolitable things, an itching humour to see what is not to 
be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing when it is 
done." But to proceed : 

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original popula- 
tion of this country, I shall say nothing, as they have already 
been touched upon in my last chapter. The claimants next in 
celebrity, are the descendants of Abraham. Thus Christoval 
Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he first discovered the 
gold mines of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, with a 
shrewdness that would have done honour to a philosopher, 
that he had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon 
procured the gold for embellishing the temple at Jerusalem ; 
nay. Colon even imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces 
of veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining the 
precious ore. 

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fascinating 
extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately snapped 
at by the gudgeons of learning; and accordingly, there were 
divers profound writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and 
to bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise surmises, 
wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens 
declared nothing could be more clear — Arius Montanus, with- 
out the least hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true 
Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers of the country. While? 



40 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK, 

Possevin, Becan, and several other sagacious writers, lug in a 
supposed prophecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being 
inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the keystone of an 
arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 

Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly super- 
structure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with 
Hans de Laert, the great Dutchman, at their head^ and at one 
blow tumbles the whole fabric about their ears. Hans, in 
fact, contradicts outright aU the Israelitish claims to the first 
settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal 
symptoms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism, which 
have been said to be found in divers provinces of the new 
world, to the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit the 
worship of the true deity. " A remark," says the knowing old 
Padre d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have spoken 
of the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded 
besides on the authority of the fathers of the church.'''' 

Some writers again, among whom it is with great regret I 
am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and Juan de Leri, 
insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven from the land of 
promise by the Jews, were seized with such a -phrdc that they 
fled without looking behind them, until, stopping to take 
breath, they found themselves safe in America, As they 
brought neither their national language, manners, nor features 
with them, it is supposed they left them behind in the hurry of 
their flight — I cannot give my faith to this opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, who being 
both an ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, is entitled to 
great respect ; that North America was peopled by a strolling 
company of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded by a 
colony from China — Manco or Mango Capac, the first Incas, 
being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely men- 
tion, that Father Kircher ascribes the settlement of America 
to the Egyptians, Rudbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to 
the Gauls, Juffredus Pedri to a skating party from Friesland, 
Mihus to the Celtae, Marinocus the Sicilian to the Romans, Le 
Compte to the Phoenicians, Postel to the Moors, Martyn 
d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise 
of De Laert, that England, Ireland, and the Orcades may con- 
tend for that honour. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea 
that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, described by that 
dreaming traveller, Marco Polo, the Venetian; or thnt it com- 



A EISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 41 

prises the visionary island of Atlantis, described by Plato. 
^Neither will I stop to investigate the heathenish assertion of 
Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe was originally 
furnished with an Adam and Eve— or the more flattering 
opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many nameless authori- 
ties, that Adam was of the Indian race — or the startling con- 
jecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly honour- 
able to mankind, that the whole human species is accidentally 
descended from a remarkable family of monkeys ! 

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very sud- 
denly and very ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown 
in a pantomime, while gazing in stupid wonder at the ex- 
travagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a 
sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. Lit- 
tle did I think at such times, that it would ever fall to my lot 
to be treated with equal discourtesy; and that while I was 
quietly beholding these grave philosophers, emulating the 
eccentric transformations of the hero of pantomime, they 
would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with 
one hypothetical flourish metamorphose us into beasts ! I de- 
termined from that moment not to burn my fingers with any 
more of their theories, but content myself with detailing the 
different methods by which they transported the descendants 
of these ancient and respectable monkeys to this great field of 
theoretical warfare. 

This was done either by migrations by land or transmigi'a- 
tions by water. Thus, Padre Joseph D'Acosta eniunerates 
three passages by land— first by the north of Europe, secondly 
by the north of Asia, and thirdly by regions southward of the 
straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe- 
gians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and arms of the 
sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremberga : 
and various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, 
and Buffon, anxious for the accommodation of these travellers, 
have fastened the two continents together by a strong chain 
of deductions -by which means they could pass over dry-shod. 
But should even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gen- 
tleman who compiles books and manufactures geogi'aphies, 
has constructed a natural bridge of ice, from continent to con- 
tinent, at the distance of four or five miles from Behring's 
straits— for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all 
the wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will pass 
over it. 



49 A mSTOnt OF NEW-tOUK. 

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy 
writers above quoted could ever commence his work", without 
inunediately declaring hostilities against every writer who had 
treated of the same subject. In this particular, authors may 
be compared to a certain sagacious bird, which, in building its 
nest, is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds in the 
neighbourhood. This unhappy propensity tends grievously to 
impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best 
but brittle productions, and when once committed to the 
stream, they should take care that, hke the notable pots which 
were feUow-voyagers, they do not crack each other. 

My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I have 
noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this country was 
peopled from the moon — or that the first inhabitants floated 
hither on islands of ice, as white bears cruise about the north- 
ern oceans — or that they were conveyed hither by balloons, as 
modern aeronauts pass from Dover to Calais— or by witch- 
craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars— or after the 
manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, Mke the New- 
England witches on fuU-blooded broomsticks, made most 
unheard-of journeys on the back of a golden arrow, given him 
by the Hyperborean Apollo. 

But there is stiU one mode left by which this country could 
have been peopled, which I have reserved for the last, because 
I consider it worth all the rest : it is— by accident ! Speaking 
of the islands of Solomon, New-Guinea, and New-HoUand, the 
profound father Charlevoix observes, "in fine, all these coun- 
tries are peopled, and it is possible some have been so by acci- 
de7it. Now if it could have happened in that manner, why 
might it not have been at the same time, and by the same 
means, with the other part of the globe?" This ingenious mode 
of deducing certain conclusions from possible premises, is an 
improvement in syllogistic skill, and proves the good father 
superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world with- 
out anything to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by 
the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another 
place, cuts the gordon knot— "Nothing," says he, "is more 
easy. The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly the 
descendants of the same father. The common father of man- 
kind received an express order from Heaven to people the 
world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring this 
about, it was necessary to overcome all difliculties in the way, 
and they have also been overcome ! " Pious logician ! How does 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 43 

he put all the herd of laborious theorists to the blush, by ex- 
plaining, in five words, what it has cost them volumes to 
prove they knew nothing about. 

From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of others 
which I have consulted, but which are omitted through fear 
of fatiguing the unlearned reader— I can only draw the follow- 
ing conclusions, which luckily, however, are sufficient for my 
purpose — First, that this part of the world has actually been 
peopled, (Q. E. D.,) to support which we have living proofs 
in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, 
that it has been peopled in five hundred different ways, as 
proved by a cloud of authors, who, from the positiveness 
of their assertions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the 
fact. Thirdly, that the people of this country had a variety 
of fathers^ which, as it may not be thought much to their 
credit by the connnon run of readers, the less we say on the 
subject the better. The question, therefore, I trust, is for 
ever at rest. 



CHAPTER V. 



IN WHICH THE AUTHOR PUTS A MIGHTY QUESTION TO TEtE ROUT 
BY THE ASSISTANCE OP THE MAN IN THE MOON— WHICH NOT 
ONLY DELIVERS THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE FROM GREAT EMBAR- 
RASSMENT, BUT LIKEWISE CONCLUDES THIS INTRODUCTORY 
BOOK. 

The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened 
unto an adventurous knight, who having undertaken a peril- 
ous enterprise, by way of establishing liis fame, feels bound, in 
honour and chivalry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hard- 
ship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy he may 
encounter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw my pen, 
and fall to, with might and main, at those doughty questions 
and subtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody 
giants, beset the entrance to my history, and would fain re^ 
pulse me from the very threshold. And at this moment a 
gigantic question has started up, which I must needs take by 
the beard and utterly subdue, before I can advance another 
step in my historic undertaking ; but I trust this will be the 
last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the 



44 A JiisTonr of new-york. 

next book I shall be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph 
into the body of my work. 

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, what ri^ht 
had the first discoverers of America to land and take posses- 
sion of a country, without first gaining the consent of its 
inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensation for 
their territory ? — a question which has withstood many fierce 
assaults, and has given much distress of mind to multitudes of 
kind-hearted folk. And, indeed, until it be totally vanquished, 
and put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means 
enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, 
unsullied consciences. 

The first source of right, by which property is acquired in a 
country, is discovery. For as all mankind have an equal 
right to any thing which has never before been appropriated, 
so any nation that discovers an uninhabited country, and takes 
possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full property, and 
absolute, unquestionable empire therein.* 

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly that the 
Europeans who first visited America were the real discoverers 
of the same ; nothing being necessary to the establishment of 
this fact, but simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited 
by man. This would, at first, appear to be a point of some 
difficulty, for it is well known that this quarter of the world 
abounded with certain animals that walked erecC on two feet, 
liad something of the human countenance, uttered certain un- 
intelligble sounds very much like language; in short, had a 
marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the zealous 
and enhghtened fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for 
the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by establish- 
ing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, soon cleared up 
this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his holiness the Pope, 
and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers. 

They plainly proved, and as there were no Indian writers 
arose on the other side, the fact was considered as fully 
admitted and established, that the two-legged race of animals 
before mentioned were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, 
and many of them giants— which last description of vagrants 
have, since the times of Gog, Magog, and Goliath, been con- 
sidered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either 
liistory, chivalry, or song. Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon 

* Grotius. Puflendorf , b. v. c. 4. Vattel, b. i. c. 18, &c. 



A UI8T0BT OF NEW- YORK. 45 

declared the Americans to be people proscribed by the laws 
of nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacri- 
ficing men, and feeding upon man's flesh. 

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism ; among 
many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us, "their im- 
becility is so visible, that one.can hardly form an idea of them 
different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs 
the tranquillity of their souls, equally insensible to disasters 
and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as contented 
as a monarch in his most spleftidid array. Fear makes no im- 
pression on them, and respect as little." All this is further- 
more supported by the authority of M. Bouguer : " It is not 
easy," says he, "to describe the degree of their indiiference 
for wealth and all its advantages. One does not well know 
Tfhat motives to propose to them, when one would persuade 
them to any service-. It is vain to offer them money; they 
answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the 
whole, assuring us. that "ambition they have none, and are 
more desirous of being thought strong and valiant. The 
objects of ambition with us - honour, fame, reputation, riches, 
posts, and distinctions — are unknown among them. So that 
this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming 
good and real evil in the worlcl, has no power over them. In a 
word, these unhappy mortals may be compared to children, in 
whom the development of reason is not completed. " 

Now aU these peculiarities, although in the unenlightened 
states of Greece they would have entitled their possessors to 
immortal honour, as having reduced to practice those rigid 
and abstemious maxims, the mere talking about which acquired 
certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philosophers ; — 
yet, were they clearly proved in the present instance to betoken 
a most abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the human 
character. But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken 
to turn these unliappy savages into dumb beasts, by dint of 
argument, advanced still stronger proofs ; for as certain divines 
of the sixteenth century, and among the rest, Lullus, affirm — 
the Americans go naked, and have no beards! — "They have 
nothing," says Lullus, "of the reasonable animal, except the 
mask." — And even that mask was allowed to avail them but 
little, for it was soon found that they were of a hideous copper 
(complexion — and being of a copper complexion, it was all the 
same as if they were negroes— and negroes are black, "and 
black," said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselve"^, 



46 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORE. 

'' is the colour of the Devil !" Therefore, so far from being able 
to own property, they had no right even to personal freedom 
— for hberty is too radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy 
temples. All which circumstances plainly convinced the 
righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that these mis- 
creants had no title to the soil that they infested— that they 
were a perverse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, black-seed — mere 
wild beasts of the forests, and, like them, should either be 
subdued or exterminated. 

From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a variety of 
others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enumerate, it is 
clearly evident that this fair quarter of the globe, when first 
visited by Europeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by 
nothing but wild beasts; and that the transatlantic visitors 
acquired an incontrovertible property therein, by the right of 
discovery. 

This right being fully established, we now come to the next, 
which is the right acquired by cultivation. ' ' The cultivation 
of the soil," we are told, "is an obligation imposed by nature 
on mankind. The Avhole v/orld is appointed for the nourish- 
ment of its inhabitants ; but it would be incapable of doing it, 
was it uncultivated. Every nation is then obliged by the law 
of nature to cultivate the ground that has faUen to its share. 
Those people, like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, 
who, having fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, 
and choose to live by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and 
deserve to he exterminated as savage and pernicious beasts.^'' * 

Now it is notorious, that the savages knew nothing of agri- 
culture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but lived a 
most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life,— rambling from 
place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the spontaneous 
luxuries of nature, without tasking her generosity to yield 
them any thing more ; whereas it has been most unquestion- 
ably shown, that Heaven intended the earth should be 
ploughed and sown, and manured, and laid out into cities, 
and towns, and farms, and country-seats, and pleasure 
grounds, and public gardens, all which the Indians knew 
nothing about— therefore, they did not improve the talents 
Providence had bestowed on them -therefore, they were care- 
less stewards— therefore, they had no right to the soil— there- 
fore, they deserved to be exterminated. 

* Vattel, b. i. cb. 17. 



A BIS TOBY OF BEW-YORK. 47 

It is true, the savages migiit plead that they drew all the 
benefits from the land which their simple wants required — they 
found plenty of game to hunt, which, together with the roots 
and uncultivated fruits of the earth, furnished a sufficient 
variety for their frugal repasts ; — and that as Heaven merely 
designed the earth to form the abode, and satisfy the wants of 
man; so long as those purposes were answered, the will of 
Heaven was accomplished. — But this only proves how unde- 
serving they were of the blessings around them — they were so 
much the more savages, for not having more wants; for knowl- 
edge is in some degree an increase of desires, and it is tliis su- 
periority, both in the number and magnitude of his desires, 
that distinguishes the man from the beast. Therefore, the In- 
dians, in not having more wants, were very unreasonable ani- 
mals ; and it was but just that they should make way for the 
Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and, there- 
fore, would turn the earth to more account, and by cultivating 
it, more truly fulfil the wiU of Heaven. Besides — Grotius and 
Lauterbach, and Puffendorf, and Titius, and many wise men 
beside, who have considered the matter properly, have deter- 
mined that the property of a country cannot be acquired by 
hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it— nothing but 
precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of cultivation, 
can establish the possession. Now, as the savages (probably 
from never having read the authors above quoted) had never 
complied with any of these necessary forms, it plainly followed 
that they had no right to the soil, but that it was completely 
at the disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge, 
more wants, and more elegant, that is to say, artificial desires 
than themselves. 

In entering upon a newly-discovered, unciiltivated country, 
therefore, the new comers were but taking possession of what, 
according to the aforesaid doctrine, was theii* own property — 
therefore, in opposing them, the savages were invading thoir 
just rights, infringing the immutable laws of Nature, and coun- 
teracting the will of Heaven — therefore, they were guilty of 
impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case — therefore, they 
were hardened offenders against God and man — therefore, they 
ought to be exterminated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that I have men- 
tioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted by my 
reader, provided he be blessed with bowels of charity and phi= 
lanthropy, is the right acquired by civilization. AU the world 



48 A HISTORY OF NEW-YOUK. 

knows the lamentable state in which these poor savages were 
found — not only deficient in the comforts of life, but what is 
still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to the mis- 
eries of their situation. But no sooner did the benevolent in- 
habitants of Europe behold their sad condition, than they im- 
mediately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They 
introduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other com- 
forts of hfe— and it is astonishing. to read how soon the poor 
savages learned to estimate these blessings— they likewise made 
known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most invet- 
erate diseases are alleviated and healed ; and that they might 
comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these medi- 
cines, they previously introduced among them the diseases 
which they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety 
of other methods was the condition of these poor savages won- 
derfully improved ; they acquired a thousand wants, of which 
they had before been ignorant ; and as he has most sources of 
happiness who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubt- 
lessly rendered a much happier race of beings. 

But the most important branch of civilization, and which has 
most strenuously been extolled by the zealous and pious fathers 
of the Romish Church, is the introduction of the Christian 
faith. It was truly a. sight that might well inspire horror, to 
behold these savages stumbhng among the dark mountains of 
paganism, and guilty of the most horrible ignorance of rehgion. 
It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded ; they were sober, 
frugal, continent, and faithful to their word ; but though they 
acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they acted so 
from precept. The new comers, therefore, used every method 
to induce them to embrace and practise the true religion— ex- 
cept indeed that of setting them the example. 

But notwithstanding all these complicated labors for their 
good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these stubborn 
wretches, that they ungratefully refused to acknowledge the 
strangers as their benefactors, and persisted in disbeheving the 
doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate ; most insolently alleg- 
ing, that from their conduct, the advocates of Christianity did 
not seem to believe in it themselves. Was not this too much 
for human patience? — would not one suppose that the benign 
visitants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity, and dis- 
couraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have 
abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their original 
ignorance and misery? — But no — so zealous were they to effect 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 49 

the temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these pagan infi- 
dels, that they even proceeded from the milder means of per- 
suasion, to the more painful and troublesome one of persecution, 
let loose among them whole troops of fiery monks and furious 
bloodhounds — purified them by fire and sword, by stake and 
fagot ; in consequence of which indefatigable measures, the 
cause of Christian love and charity was so rapidly advanced, 
that in a very few years not one-fifth of the number of unbe- 
lievers existed in South America that were found there at the 
time of its discovery. 

What stronger right need the European settlers advance to 
the country than this? Have not whole nations of uninformed 
savages been made acquainted with a thousand imperious wants 
and indispensable comforts, of which they were before wholly 
ignorant? Have they not been literally hunted and smoked 
out of the dens and lurking-places of ignorance and infidelity, 
and absolutely scourged into the right path? Have not the 
temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, 
which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, 
been benevolently taken from them? and have they not, instead 
thereof, been taught to set their affections on tilings above? — 
And finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in 
a letter to his superior in Spain—'' Can any one have the pre- 
sumption to say, that these savage pagans have yielded any 
thing more than an inconsiderable recompense to their benefac- 
tors, in surrendering to them a httle pitiful tract of this dirty 
sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inheritance in the 
kingdom of heaven?" 

Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources of right 
established, any one of which was more than ample to establish 
a property in the newly-discovered regions of America. Now, 
so it has happened in certain parts of this delightful quarter of 
the globe, that the right of discovery has been so strenuously 
asserted — the influence of cultivation so industriously extended, 
and the progress of salvation and civiHzation so zealously 
prosecuted, that, what with their attendant wars, persecutions, 
oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang 
on the skirts of great benefits— the savage aborigines have, 
somehow or another, been utterly annihilated— and this all at 
once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the others 
put together.— For the original claimants to the soil being all 
dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit or dispute 
the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, en- 



50 ^ HISTOUY OF NEW YORK. 

tered upon the possession as clearly as the hangman succeeds 
to the clothes of the malefactor — and as they have Blackstone,* 
and all the learned expounders of the law on their side, they 
may set all actions of ejectment at defiance — and this last 
right may be entitled the right by extermination, or in other 
words, the right by gunpowder. 

But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on this 
head, and to settle the question of right for ever, his holiness 
Pope Alexander VI. issued a bull, by which he generously 
granted the newly-discovered quarter of the globe to the Span- 
iards and Portuguese; who, thus having law and gospel on 
their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, showed 
the pagan savages neither favour nor affection, but prosecuted 
the work of discovery, colonization, civilization, and extermi- 
nation, with ten tunes more fury than ever. 

Thus were the European worthies who first discovered 
America, clearly entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled to 
the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel 
savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by sea 
and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other pur- 
pose but to improve Cheir forlorn, uncivilized, and heathenish 
condition— for having made them acquainted with the com- 
forts of life ; for having introduced among them the light of 
religion; and, finally, for having hurried them out of the 
world, to enjoy its reward ! 

But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish 
mortals as when it comes home to ourselves, and as I am par- 
ticularly anxious that this question should be put to rest for 
ever, I will suppose a parallel case, by way of arousing the 
candid attention of my readers. 

Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by 
astonishing advancement in science, and by profound insight 
into that lunar philosophy, the mere flickerings of which have 
of late years dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the shallow 
brains of the good people of. our globe— let us suppose, I say, 
that the inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had arrived 
at such a command of their energies, such an enviable state of 
perfectibility, as to control the elements, and navigate the 
boundless regions of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of 
these soaring philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of 



*Bi. Com, b. ii. c. 1. 



A BISTORT OF NEW-YORK. 51 

discovery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this 
outlandish planet. 

And here I beg my readers will not have the uncharitable- 
ness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers, 
when perusing the grave speculations of piiilosophers. I am 
far from indulging in any sportive vein at present ; nor is the 
supposition I have been making so wild as many may deem it. 
It has long been a very serious and anxious question with me, 
and many a time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming 
cares and contrivances for the welfare and protection of this 
my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights debating in 
my mind, whether, it were most probable we should first dis- 
cover and civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize 
our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air and 
cruising among the stars be a whit more astonishing and in- 
comprehensible to us, than was the European mystery of navi- 
gating floating castles, through the world of waters, to the 
simple savages. We have already discovered the art of coast- 
ing along the aerial shores of our planet, by means of balloons, 
as the savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts in 
canoes ; and the disparity between the former, and the aerial 
vehicles of the philosophers from the moon, might not be 
greater than that between the bark canoes of the savages and 
the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might here pursue an 
endless chain of similar speculations ; but as they would be un- 
important to my subject, I abandon them to my reader, par- 
ticularly if he be a philosopher, as matters well worthy of his 
attentive consideration. 

To return then to my supposition — let us suppose that the 
aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly superior 
knowledge to ourselves; that is to say, possessed of superior 
knowledge in the art of extermination — riding on hippogriils — 
defended with impenetrable armour— armed with concentrated 
sunbeams, and provided with va^jt engines, to hurl enormous 
moon-stones : in short, let us suppose them, if our \ anity will 
permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and 
consequently in power, as the Europeans were to the Indians, 
when they first discovered them. All this is verj^ possible ; it 
is only our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; and 
I warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge of 
the white men, armed in aU the terrors of ghttering steel and 
tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly convinced that they 
themselves were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful, and 



52 A BISTORT OF aKW-YOUK. 

perfect of created beings, as are at this present moment the 
lordly inhabitants of Old England, the volatile populace of 
France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of this most enlight- 
ened republic. 

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, finding 
this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness, inhabited 
by us, poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal posses- 
sion of it in the name of his most gracious and philosophic 
excellency, the man in the moon. Finding, however, that 
their numbers are incompetent to hold it in complete subjec- 
tion, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants, 
they shall take our worthy President, the King of England, 
the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and the great 
King of Bantam, and returning to their native planet, shall 
carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as 
spectacles in the courts of Europe. 

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court re- 
quires, they shall address the puissant man in the moon, in, as 
near as I can conjecture, the following terms : 

'' Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions ex- 
:3nd as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Bear, 
iseth the sun as a looking-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled 
control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs : We, thy liege sub- 
jects, have just returned from a voyage of discovery, in the 
course of which we have landed and taken possession of that 
obscure little dirty planet which thou beholdest rolling at a 
distance. The five uncouth monsters which we have brought 
into this august presence were once very important chiefs 
among their fellow-savages, who are a race of beings totally 
destitute of the common attributes of humanity ; and differing 
in every thing from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch as 
they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under 
their arms— have two eyes instead of one -are utterly destitute 
of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particularly 
of a horrible whiteness — instead of pea-green. 

"We have, moreover, found these miserable savages sunk 
into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, every man 
shamelessly living with his own wife, and rearing his own 
children, instead of indulging in that community of wives en- 
joined by the la^w of nature, as expounded by the philosophers 
of the moon. In a word, they have scarcely a gleam of true 
philosophy among them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, igno- 
ramuses, and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, on 



A BI8T0UY OF NEW-YORK. 59 

the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, we have endea- 
voured, while we remained on their planet, to introduce among 
them the Hght of reason — and the comforts of the moon. We 
have treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and draughts 
of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed with incredible vora- 
city, particularly the females; and we have likewise endea- 
voured to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. 
We have insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible 
shackles of religion and common sense, and adoring the pro- 
found, omnipotent, and all-perfect energy, and the ecstatic, 
immutable, immoveable perfection. But such was the un- 
paralleled obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they per- 
sisted in cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their rehgion, 
and absolutely set at nought the sublime doctrines of the moon 
— ^nay, among other abominable heresies, they even went so far 
as blasphemously to declare, that this ineffable planet was 
made of nothing more nor less than green cheese !" 

At these words, the great man in the moon (being a very 
profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible passion, and 
possessing equal authority over things that do not belong to 
him, as did whilome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith issue 
a formidable bull, specifying, ' ' That, whereas a certain crew 
of Lunatics have lately discovered, and taken possession of, a 
newly-discovered planet called the earth — and that whereas it 
is inhabited by none but a race of two-legged animals, that 
carry their heads on their shoulders instead of under their 
arms ; cannot talk the lunatic language ; have two eyes instead 
of one; are destitute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, 
instead of pea-green— therefore, and for a variety of other ex- 
cellent reasons, they are considered incapable of possessing 
any property in the planet they infest, and the right and title 
to it are confirmed to its original discoverers.— And further- 
more, the colonists who are now about to depart to the afore- 
said planet are authorized and commanded to use every means 
to convert these infidel savages from the darkness of Chris- 
tianity, and make them thorough and absolute Lunatics." 

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic bene- 
factors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize upon our 
fertile territories, scourge us from our rightful possessions, 
relieve us from our wives, and when we are unreasonable 
enough to complain, they will turn upon us, and say : Miserable 
barbarians ! ungi^ateful wretches ! have we not come thousands 
of miles to improve your worthless planet? have we not fed 



54 A mSTORt OF NEW-tOUK. 

you with moonshine? have we not intoxicated you with 
nitrous oxyde? does not our moon give you hght every night, 
and have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a piti- 
ful return for all these benefits? But finding that we not only 
persist in absolute contempt of their reasoning and disbehef in 
their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend our 
property, their patience shall be exhausted, and they shall 
resort to their superior powers of argument; hunt us witli 
hippogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sun-beams, demolish 
our cities with moon-stones ; until having, by main force, con- 
verted us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to 
exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen regions of 
Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of civilization and the 
charms of lunar philosophy, in much the same manner as the 
reformed and enlightened savages of this country are kindly 
suffered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of the north, or the 
impenetrable wildernesses of South America. 

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly illus- 
trated, the right of the early colonists to the possession of this 
country; and thus is this gigantic question completely van- 
quished: so having manfully surmounted all obstacles, and 
subdued all opposition, what remains but that I should forth- 
with conduct my readers into the city which we have been 
so long in a manner besieging? But hold — before I proceed 
another step, I must pause to take breath, and recover from 
the excessive fatigue I have undergone, in preparing to begin 
this most accurate of histories. And in this I do but imitate 
the example of a renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who 
took a start of three miles for the purpose of jumping over a 
hill, but having run himself out of breath by the time he 
reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments 
to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. 



^1 msTOllY OF NEW- YORK. 55 



BOOK II. 

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE 
PROVINCE OF NIEUW-NEDERLANDTS. 



CHAPTEE I. 

IN WHICH ARE CONTAINED DIVERS REASONS WHY A MAN SHOULD 
NOT WRITE IN A HURRY. ALSO, OF MASTER HENDRICK HUD- 
SON, HIS DISCOVERY OF A STRANGE COUNTRY— AND HOW HE 
WAS MAGNIFICENTLY REWARDED BY THE MUNIFICENCE OF 
THEIR HIGH MIGHTINESSES. 

My great-grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanus Van 
Clattercop, when employed to build the la.rge stone church at 
Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred yards to your 
left after you turn off from the Boomkeys, and which is so 
conveniently constructed, that all the zealous Cliristians of 
Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon there to any 
other church in the city — my great-grandfather, I say, when 
employed to build that famous church, did, in the first place, 
send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then, having purchased 
a new spitting-box and a hundred weight of the best Virginia, 
he sat liimself down, and did nothing for the space of three 
months but smoke most laboriously. Then did he spend full 
three months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging in trek- 
schuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to Haerlem — 
to Leyden— to the Hague, knocking his head and breaking his 
pipe against every church in his road. Then did he advance 
gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in 
full sight of the identical spot whereon the church was to be 
built. Then did he spend three months longer in walking 
round it and round it, contemplating it, first from one point of 
view, and then from another— now would he be paddled by it 
on the canal — now would he peep at it through a telescope, 
from the other side of the Meuse, and now would he tak^ dk 



[)(] A imTOUT OF NEW- YORK. 

bird's-eye glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic 
windmills which protect the gates of the city. The good folks 
of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation and impatience 
—notwithstanding all the turmoil of my great-grandfather, 
not a symptom of the church was yet. to be seen ; they even 
began to fear it would never be brought into the world, but 
that its great projector would He down and die in labour of 
the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having occu- 
pied twelve good months in puffing and paddling, and talking 
and walking — having travelled over all Holland, and even 
taken a peep into France and Germany — having smoked five 
hundred and ninety-nine pipes, and three hundred weight of 
the best Virginia tobacco— my great-grandfather gathered to- 
gether all that knowing and industrious class of citizens who 
prefer attending to any body's business sooner than their own, 
and having pulled off his coat and five pair of breeches, he 
advanced sturdily up, and laid the corner-stone of the church, 
in the presence of the whole multitude — just at the commence- 
ment of the thirteenth month. 

In a similar manner, and with the example of my worthy 
ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in writing this 
most authentic history. The honest Eotterdamers no doubt 
thought my great-grandfather was doing nothing at all to the 
purpose, while he was making such a world of prefatory 
bustle, about the building of his church — and many of the in- 
genious inhabitants of this fair city will unquestionably sup- 
pose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery, 
population, and final settlement of America, were totally irre- 
levant and superfluous— and that the main business, the his- 
tory of New York, is not a jot more advanced than if I had' 
never taken up my pen. Never were wise people more mis- 
taken in their conjectures ; in consequence of going to work 
slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my grand- 
father's hands one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious 
edifices in the known world — excepting that, like our magni- 
ficent capitol, at Washington, it was begun on so grand a scale 
that the good folks could not afford to finish more than the 
wing of it. So, likewise, I trust, if ever I am able to finish 
this work -on the plan I have commenced, (of which, in simple 
truth, I sometimes have my doubts,) it will be found that I 
have pursued the latest rules of my art, as exemplified in the 
writings of all the great American historians, and wrought a 
very large history out of a small subject— which now-a-days is 



A HISTORY OF JSIKW-TORK. 57 

considered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. To pro- 
ceed, then, with the thread of my story. 

In the ever- memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on a Satur- 
day morning, the five-and- twentieth day of March, old style, did 
that "worthy and irrecoverable discoverer, (as he has justly 
been called,) Master Henry Hudson," set sail from Holland in a 
stout vessel called the Half Moon, being employed by the Dutch 
East India Company, to seek a north-west passage to China. 

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) 
Hudson, was a sea faring man of renown, who had learned to 
smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have 
been the first to introduce it into HoUand, which gained him 
much popularity in that country, and caused him to find great 
favour in the eyes of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States 
General, and also of the honourable West India Company. 
He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a double 
chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper nose, which was 
supposed in those days to have acquired its fiery hue from 
the constant neighbourhood of his tobacco-pipe. 

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern belt, 
and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his head. He 
was remarkable for always jerking up his breeches when he 
gave out his orders; and his voice sounded not unlike the 
brattling of a tin trumpet — owing to the number of hard 
north- westers which he had swallowed in the course of his sea- 
faring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so 
much, and know so little: and I have been thus particular in 
his description, for the benefit of modern painters and statu- 
aries, that they may represent him as he was ; and not, accord- 
ing to their common custom with modern heroes, make him 
look like Cessar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvi- 
dere. 

As chief mate and favourite companion, the commodore 
chose master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. By 
some his name has been spelled Cheivit, and ascribed to the 
circumstance of his having been the first man that ever 
chewed tobacco; but this I believe to be a mere fhppancy; 
more especially as certain of his progeny are living at this 
day, who write their name Juet. He was an old comrade and 
early schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had 
often played truant and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring 
pond, when they were little boys^from whence it is said the 



58 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

commodore first derived his bias towards a sea-faring life. 
Certain it is, that the old people about Limehouse declared 
Robert Juet to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that 
would one day or other come to the gallows. 

He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a rambling, 
heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the world — 
meeting with more perils and wonders than did Sindbad the 
Sailor, without growing a whit more wise, prudent, or ill- 
natured. Under every misfortune, he comforted himself with 
a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic maxim, that ''it 
will be all the same thing a hundred years hence." He was 
skilled in the art of carving anchors and true-lovers' knots on 
the bulk-heads and quarter-railings, and was considered a great 
wit on board ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on 
every body around, and now and then even making a wry 
face at old Hendrick, when his back was turned. 

To this universal genius are we indebted for many parti- 
culars concerning this voyage ; of which he wrote a history, 
at the request of the commodore, who had an unconquerable 
aversion to writing himself, from having received so many 
floggings about it when at school. To supply the deficiencies 
of master Juet's journal, which is written with true log-book 
brevity, I have availed myself of divers family traditions, 
handed down from my great-great-grandfather, who accom- 
panied the expedition in the capacity of cabin-boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark 
happened in the voyage ; and it mortifies me exceedingly that 
I have to admit so noted an expedition into my work, without 
making any more of it. 

Suflice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil — 
the crew being a patient people, much given to slumber and 
vacuity, and but little troubled with the disease of thinking — a 
malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder of discontent. 
Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sourkrout, and every 
man was allowed to sleep quietly at his post unless the wind 
blew. True it is, some slight disaffection was shown on two 
or three occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct of Com- 
modore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten 
sail when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which 
T^as considered, among the most experienced Dutch seamen, 
as certain ireather-breeders, or prognostics, that the weather 
would change for the worse. He acted, moreover, in direct 
contradiction to that ancient and sage rule of the Dutch navi- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORE. 59 

gators, who alwas took in sail at night — put the hehn a-port, 
and turned in— by which precaution they had a good night's 
rest — were sure of knowmg where they were the next morning, 
and stood but httle chance of running down a continent in the 
dark. He hkewise prohibited the seamen from wearing more 
than five jackets and six pair of breeches, under pretence of 
rendering them more alert ; and no man was permitted to go 
aloft, and hand in sails with a pipe in his mouth, as is the in- 
variable Dutch custom at the present day. All these griev- 
ances, though they might ruffle for a moment the constitu- 
tional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient 
impression; they eat hugely, drank profusely, and slept Im- 
measurably, and being under the especial guidance of Pro- 
vidence, the ship was safely conducted to the coast of America ; 
where, after sundry unimportant touchings and standings off 
and on, she at length, on the fourth day of September, entered 
that majestic bay, which at this day expands its ample bosom 
before the city of New- York, and which had never before been 
visited by any European.* 

It has been traditionary in our family, that when the great 
navigator was first blessed with a view of this enchanting 
island, he was observed, for the first and only time in his 
life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment and admi- 
ration. He is said to have turned to master Juet, and 

* True it is— and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in a certain apocryphal book 
of voyages, compiled by one Haklviyt, is to be found a letter written to Francis the 
First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which some writers are inclined to 
found a belief that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous to 
the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the coun- 
tenaripe of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter disbelief, and 
that for various good and substantial reasons: i^n-.sf, Because on strict examina- 
tion it will be found, that the description given by this Verazzani applies about as 
well to the bay of New- York as it does to my night-cap. Secondly, Because that this 
John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native 
of Florence; and every body knows the crafty wilos of these losel Florentines, by 
which they filched away the laurels from the brows of the immortal Colon, (vulgar- 
ly called Columbus,) and oestowed them on their otficious townsman, Amerigo 
Vespucci; and I make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hud- 
son of the credit of discovering this beautiful island, adorned by the city of New- 
York, and placing it beside their usurped discovery of South America. And, 
thirdly, I award my decision in favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, in- 
asmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch 
enterprise— and though all the proofs in the world were introduced on the other 
side, I would set them at nought, as undeserving my attention. If these three 
reasons be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher ol this ancient city— all I can say 
is, they are degenerate descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and 
totally unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick 
Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated. 



60 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORE. 

uttered these remarkable words, while he pointed towards 
this paradise of the new world — "See! there!" — and there- 
upon, as was always his way when he was uncommonly 
pleased, he did puff out such clouds of dense tobacco-smoke, 
that in one minute the vessel was out of sight ofjand, and 
master Juet was fain to wait until the winds dispersed this 
impenetrable fog. 

It was indeed — as my great-great-grandfather used to say 
—though in truth I never heard him, for he died, as might 
be expected, before I was born— "it was indeed a spot on 
which the eye might have revelled for ever, in ever-new 
and never-ending beauties/' The island of Mannahata spread 
wide before them, like some sweet vision of fancy, or some 
fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green 
swelled gently one above another, crowned with lofty trees 
of luxuriant growth; some pointing their tapering foliage 
towards the clouds, wliich were gloriously transparent; and 
others loaded with a verdant burthen of clambering vines, 
bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered with 
flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered, 
in gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild 
brier, whose scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed 
brightly among the deep gi-een of the surrounding foliage; 
and here and there a curling column of smoke rising from 
the little glens that opened along the shore, seemed to promise 
the weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow- 
creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced attention 
on the scene before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, 
issued from one of these glens, and after contemplating in 
silent wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan 
swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop, and 
bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter astonish- 
ment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such 
a noise, or witnessed such a caper, in their whole lives. 

Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, 
and how the latter smoked copper pipes, and ate dried cur- 
rants ; how they brought great store of tobacco and oysters ; 
how they shot one of t*he ship's crew, and how he was buried, 
I shall say nothing ; being that I consider them unimportant 
to my history. After tarrying a few days in the bay, in order 
to refresh themselves after their sea-faring, our voyagers 
weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river which emptied into 
the bay. This riVer, it is said, was known among the savages 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 61 

by the name of the ShatemucJc; though we are assured, in an 
excellent little liistoiy published in 1674, by John Josselyn, 
Gent., that it was called the Mohegan;* and master Eichard 
Bloome, who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same— so 
that I very much incline in favour of the opinion of these 
two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river did 
the adventurous Hendrick proceed, liitle doubting but it 
would turn out to be the much-looked-f or passage to China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of divers interviews 
between the crew and the natives, in the voyage up the 
river ; but as they would be impertinent to my history, I shall 
pass over them in silence, except the following dry joke, 
played off by the old commodore and his school-fellow, Eobert 
Juet, which does such vast credit to their experimental philo- 
sophy, that I cannot refrain from inserting it. ' ' Our master 
and his mate determined to try some of the chiefe men of the 
countrey, whether they had any treacherie in them. So they 
tooke them downe into the cabin and gave them so much wine 
and aqua vitse, that they were all merrie ; and one of them 
had his wife with him, which sate so modestly, as any of our 
countrey women would do in a strange place. In the end one 
of them was drunke, which had been aboarde of our ship all 
the time that we had been there, and that was strange to them, 
for they could not tell how to take it."t 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment, that 
the natives were an honest, social race of jolly r oysters, who 
had no objection to a drinking bout, and were very merry in 
their cups, the old commodore chuckled hugely to himself, and 
thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his cheek, directed mas- 
ter Juet to have it carefully recorded, for the satisfaction of 
all the natural philosophers of the university of Leyden — 
which done, he proceeded on his voyage, with great self-compla- 
cency. After sailing, however, above a hundred miles up the 
river, he found the watery world around him began to grow 
more shallow and confined, the current more rapid, and per- 
fectly fresh — phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of 
rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutchmen prodigiously. 
A consultation was therefore called, and having dehberated 
full six hours, they were Jbrought to a determination, by the 
ship's running aground— whereupon they unanimously con- 

*This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhattan— Noordt— Mon- 
taigne and Mauritius river. 
t Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil. 



62 A HItiTORT OF JNEWYORK. 

eluded, tliat there was but little chance of getting to China in 
this direction. A boat, however, was despatched to explore 
higher up the river, which, on its return, confirmed the 
opinion— upon this the sliip was warped off and put about, with 
great diflSculty, being, like most of her sex, exceedingly hard 
to govern 5 and the adventurous Hudson, according to the ac- 
count of my great-great-grandfather, returned down the river 
— with a prodigious flea in his ear 1 

Being satisfied that there was Httle hkelihood of getting to 
China, unless, like the blind man, he returned from whence he 
set out, and took a fresh start, he forthwith recrossed the sea 
to Holland, where he was received with great welcome by the 
honourable East India Company, who very much rejoiced to 
see him come back safe — with their ship ; and at a large and 
respectable meeting of the first merchants and burgomasters of 
Amsterdam, it was unanimously determined, that as a munifi- 
cent reward for the eminent services he had performed, and 
the important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan 
should be called after, his name ! — and it continues to be called 
Hudson river unto this very day. 



CHAPTER II. 



CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF A MIGHTY ARK, WHICH FLOATED, 
UNDER THE PROTECTION OF ST. NICHOLAS, FROM HOLLAND TO 
GIBBET ISLAND— THE DESCENT OF THE STRANGE ANIMALS THERE- 
FROJI— A GREAT VICTORY, AND A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANCIENT 
VILLAGE OF COMMUNIPAW. 

The delectable accounts given by the great Hudson, and 
master Juet, of the country they had discovered, excited not a 
httle talk and speculation among the good people of Holland. 
Letters-patent were granted by government to an association 
of merchants, called the West India Company, for the exclusive 
trade on Hudson river, on wliich they erected a trading house 
called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from whence did spring the 
great city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various 
commercial and colonizing enterprises which took place ; among 
which was that of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and 
gave a name to Block Island, since famous for its cheese—and, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 63 

shall barely confine myself to that which gave birth to this re- 
nowned city. 

It was some three or four years after the return of the im- 
mortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest, Low Dutch colonists 
set sail from the city of Amsterdam for the shores of America. 
It is an irreparable loss to history, and a great proof of the 
darkness of the age, and the lamentable noglect of the noble art 
of book-making, since so industriously cultivated by knowing 
sea-jcaptams, and learned supercargoes, that an expedition so 
interesting and important in its results, should be passed over 
in utter sflence. To my great-great-grandfather am I again 
indebted for the few facts I am ena^bled to give concerning it — 
he having once more embarked for this country, with a full 
determination, as he said, of ending his days here — and of be- 
getting a race of Knickerbockers, that should rise to be great 
men in the land. 

The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was 
called the Goede Vroiiiv, or good woman, in compliment to the 
wife of the President of the West India Company, who was al- 
lowed by every body (except her husband) to be a sweet-tem- 
pered lady — when not in liquor. It was in truth a most gallant 
vessel, of the most approved Dutch construction, and made by 
the ablest ship-carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it is well known, 
always model their ships after the fair forms of their country- 
women. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet in the beam, 
one hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the 
bottom of the stern-post to the tafferel. Like the beauteous 
model, who was declared to be the greatest belle in Amster- 
dam, it Avas full in the bows, with a pair of enormous cat- 
he^ids, a copper bottom, and, withal, a most prodigious poop ! 

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, far 
from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as Jupiter, 
Neptune, or Hercules, (which heathenish abominations, I have 
no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and shipwreck of many a 
noble vessel,) he, I sa.y, on the contrary, did laudably erect for 
a head, a goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a low, 
broad-brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk-hose, and a 
pipe that reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly 
furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, like a majestic 
goose, out of the harbour of tho great city of Amsterdam, and 
all the bells, that were not otherwise engaged, rang a triple 
bobmajor on the joyful occasion. 

My great-great-grandfather remarks, that the voyage was 



64 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TOBR. 

uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the especial care of 
the ever-revered St. Nicholas, the Groede Vrouw seemed to be 
endowed with quahties unknown to common vessels. Thus she 
made as much lee- way as head- way, could get along very 
nearly as fast with the wind a-head, as when it was a-poop— 
and was particularly great in a cahn ; in consequence of which 
singular advantages, she made out to accomphsh her voyage in 
a very few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the 
Hudson, a Uttle to the east of Gibbet Island. 

Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at present 
called the Jersey shore, a smaU Indian village, pleasantly em- 
bowered in a grove of spreading elms, and the natives all col- 
lected on the beach, gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede 
Vrouw. A boat was immediately despatched to enter into a 
treaty with them, and approaching the shore, hailed them 
through a trumpet in most friendly terms ; but so horribly con- 
founded were these poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth 
sound of the Low Dutch language, that they one and aU took to 
their heels, and scampered over the Bergen hills ; nor did they 
stop until they had buried themselves, head and ears, in the 
marshes on the other side, where they aU miserably perished 
to a man — and their bones being collected and decently covered 
by the Tammany Society of that day, formed that singular 
mound caUed Eattlesnake Hill, which rises out of the centre 
of the salt marshes, a little to the east of the Newark Cause- 
way. 

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our vahant heroes 
sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil as con- 
querors in the name of their High Mightinesses the Lords States 
General ; and marching fearlessly forward, carried the village 
of CoMMUNiPAW by storm, notwithstanding that it was vigor- 
ously defended by some half-a-score of old squaws and pap- 
pooses. On looking about them, they were so transported with 
the excellencies of the place, that they had very httle doubt the 
blessed St. Nicholas had guided them thither, as the very spot 
whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the soil was 
wonderfidly adapted to the driving of piles ; the swamps and 
marshes around them afforded ample opportunities for the 
constructing of dikes and dams ; the shallowness of the shore 
was peculiarly favourable to the building of docks — in a word, 
this spot abounded with aU the requisites for the foundationtjf 
a great Dutch city. On making a faithful report, therefore, to 
the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined that 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 65 

this was the destined end of their voyage. Accordingly they 
descended from the Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, 
in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and 
formed themselves into a thriving settlement, which they called 
by the Indian name Communipaw. 

As all the world is doubtless i)erfectly acquainted with Com- 
munipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in 
the present work; but my readers will please to recollect, that 
notwithstanding it is my ciiief desire to satisfy the present age, 
yet I write likewise for posterity, and have to consult the 
understanding and curiosity of some half a score of centuries 
yet to come ; by which time, perhaps, were it not for this in- 
valuable history, the great Communipaw, like Babylon, Car- 
thage, Nineveh, ai:id other great cities, might be perfectly ex- 
tinct — sunk and forgotten in its own mud — its inhabitants 
turned into. oysters,* and even its situation a fertile subject of 
learned controversy and hai'd-head«d investigation among in- 
defatigable histosians. Let me then piously rescue from ob- 
livion the humble relics of a place which was the Q^g from 
whence was hatched the mighty city of New-York ! 

Communipaw is at present but a small village pleasantly sit- 
uated, amon^ rural scenery, on that beauteous part of the Jer- 
sey shore which was known in ancient legends by the name of 
Pavonia,t and commands a grand prospect of the superb bay 
of New- York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the latter 
place, provided you have a fair wind, and may be distinctly 
seen from the city. Nay, it is a well-known fact, which I can 
testify from my own experience, that on a clear stiQ summer 
evening, you may hear, from the Battery of New- York, the 
obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch 
negroes at Communipaw, who, like most other negi'oes, are 
famous for their risible powers. This is peculiarly the case on 
Sunday evenings, when, it is remarked by an ingenious and 
observant philosopher, who has made great discoveries in the 
neighbourhood of this city, that they always laugh loudest — 
which he attributes to the circumstance of their having their 
holiday clothes on. 

These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark ages, 
engross all the knowledge of the place, and being infinitely 



* Men by inaction degenerate into oysters.— iTazV/jes. 

t Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of country extending from 
about Hoboken to Amboy. 



66 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YOTtK. 

more adventurous and more knowing than their masters, carry 
on all the foreign trade ; making frequent voyages to town in 
canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cabbages. They 
are great astrologers, predicting the different changes of 
weather almost as accurately as an almanac — they are more- 
over exquisite performers on tnree-stringed fiddles : in whis- 
tling, they almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus's lyre, 
for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough or 
before the wagon, will budge a foot until he hears the well- 
known wliistle of his black driver and companion.— And from 
their amazing skill at casting up accounts ui)on their fingers, 
they are regarded with as much veneration as were the disci- 
ples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred qua- 
ternary of numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise men 
and sound philosophers^ they never look beyond their pipes, 
nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of their immeditite 
neighbourhood; so that they live in profound and enviable 
ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions of this 
distracted planet. I am even told that many among them do 
verily believe that Holland, of which they have heaud so much 
from tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island — that 
Sptking-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of the world 
—that the country is still under the dominion of their High 
Mightinesses, and that the city of New- York still goes by the 
name of Nieuw- Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday after- 
noon at the only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign, a 
square-headed likeness of the Prince of Orange, where they 
smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social conviviality, 
and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral 
Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the British 
channel, with a broom at his mast-head. 

Communipaw^ in short, is one of the numerous httle villages 
in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so 
many strong-holds and fastnesses, whither the primitive man- 
ners of our Dutch forefathers have retreated, and where they 
are cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. The 
dress of the original settlers is handed down inviolate, from 
father to son — the identical broad-brimmed hat, broad-skirted 
coat, and broad-bottomed breeches continue from generation to 
generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver 
are still in wear, that made gallant display in the days of the 
patriarchs of Communipaw. The language likewise continues 



A mSTORY OF NEW-YORK 67 

unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so critically cor- 
rect is the village schoolmaster in his dialect, that his reading 
of a Low Dutch psalm has much the sauie effect on the nerves 
as the filing of a handsaw. 



CHAPTER III. 

IN WHICH IS SET FORTH THE TRUE ART OF MAKING A BARGAIN 
— TOGETHER WITH THE MIRACULOUS ESCAPE OP A GREAT ME- 
TROPOLIS IN A FOG — AND THE BIOGRAPHY OF CERTAIN HEROES 

OF COMMUNIPAW. 

/ 

Having, in the trifling digression which concluded the last 
chapter, discharged the filial duty which the city of New-York 
owed to Communipaw, as being the mother settlement; and 
having given a faithful picture of it as it stands at present, I 
return with a soothing sentiment of self -approbation, to dwell 
upon its early history. The crew of the Goede Vrouw being 
soon reinforced by fresh importations from Holland, the settle- 
ment went joUily on, increasing in magnitude and prosperity. 
The neighbouring Indians in a short time became accustomed 
to the uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an inter- 
course gradually took place between them and the new comers. 
The Indians were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to 
long silence — in this particular, therefore, they accommodated 
each other completely. The chiefs would make long speeches 
about the big bull, the wabash, and the great spirit, to which 
the others would listen very attentively, smoke their pipes, and 
grunt yah, myn-her — whereat the poor savages were wondrously 
delighted. They instructed the new settlers in the best art of 
<?uring and smoking tobacco, while the latter, in return, made 
them drunk with true Hollands— and then taught them the art 
of making bargains. 

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened : the Dutch traders 
were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by 
weight, estabhshing it as an invariable table of avoirdupois, 
that the hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his foot 
two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians were often puzzled 
by the great disproportion between bulk and weight, for let 
them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a 



68 -4 HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was 
sure to kick the beam — never was a package of furs known to 
weigh more than two pounds in the market of Communipaw ! 
t^This is a singular fact — but I have it direct from my great- 
great-grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance 
in the colony, being promoted to the olhce of weigh-master, on 
account of the uncommon heaviness of his foot. 

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to 
assume a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended 
under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as 
the sage Vander Donck observes, of their great resemblance to 
the Dutch Netherlands -which indeed was truly remarkable, 
excepting that the former were rugged and mountainous, and 
the latter level and marshy. About this time the tranquiQity 
of the Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary in- 
terruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a 
commission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch 
settlements on Hudson Eiver, and demanded their submission 
to the Enghsh crown and Virginian dominion. To this arro- 
gant demand, as they were in no condition to resist it, they 
submitted for the time like discreet and reasonable men. 

It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the settle- 
ment of Communipaw ; on the contrary, I am told that when 
his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy burghers were seized 
with such a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with 
astonishing vehemence ; insomuch that they quickly raised a 
cloud, which, combining with the surrounding woods and 
marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their beloved 
village, and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia ; — so that the 
terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a 
sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, 
under cover of all this pestilent vapour. In commemoration 
of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have continued 
to smoke, almost without intermission, unto this very day; 
which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog that often 
hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon. 

U'pon the departure of the enemy, our magnanimous ances- 
tors took full six months to recover their wind, having been 
exceedingly discomposed by the consternation and huiTy of 
affairs. They then called a council of safety to smoke over 
the state of the province. After six months more of mature 
deliberation, during which nearly five hundred words were 
spoken, and almost as much tobacco was smoked as would 



A BISTORT OF NEWTOBK. 69 

have served a certain modern general through a whole winter's 
campaign of hard drinking, it was determined to fit out an 
armament of canoes, and despatch them on a voyage of dis- 
covery; to search if, peradventure, some more sure and for- 
midable position might not be found, where the colony would 
be less siibject to vexatious visitations. 

This perilous enterprise was intrusted to the superintendence 
of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kortlandt, Abraham Hardenbroeck, 
Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten Broeck — four indubitably 
great men, but of whose history, although I have made diligent 
inquiry, I can learn but little, previous to their leaving Hol- 
land. Nor need this occasion much surprise ; for adventurers, 
like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have sel- 
doni much celebrity in their own countries ; but this much is 
certain, that the overflowings and offscourings of a country are 
invariably composed of the richest parts of the soil. And here 
I cannot help remarking how convenient it would be to many 
of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could 
they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever 
their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced 
themselves descended from a god — and who never visited a 
foreign country but what they told some cock-and-bull stories 
about their being kings and princes at home. This venal tres- 
pass on the truth, though it has occasionally been played off 
by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious for- 
eigner, in our land of good-natured credulity, has been com- 
pletely discountenanced in this sceptical matter-of-fact age— 
and I even question whether any tender virgin, who was acci- 
dentally and unaccountably enriched with a banthng, would 
save her character at parlour firesides and evening tea-parties 
by ascribing the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a 
river-god. 

Thus being denied the benefit of mythology and classic fable, 
I should have been completely at a loss as to the early biography 
of my heroes, had not a gleam of light been thrown upon their 
origin from their names. 

By this simple means, have I been enabled to gather some 
particulars concerning the adventurers in question. Van Kort- 
landt, for instance, was one of those peripatetic philosophers 
who tax Providence for a hvelihood, and, like Diogenes, enjoy 
a free and unencumbered estate in sunshine. He was usually 
arrayed in garments suitable to his fortune, being curiously 
fringed and fangled by the hand of time ; and was helmeted 



70 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

with an old fragment of a hat, which ha.d acquired the shape 
of a sugar-loaf ; and so far did he carry his contempt for the 
adventitious distinction of dress, that it is said the remnant of 
a shirt, which covered his back, and dangled like a pocket- 
handkerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed 
except by the bountiful showers of heaven. In this garb was 
he usually to be seen, sunning himself at noon-day, with a herd 
of philosophers of the same sect, on the side of the great canal 
of Amsterdam. Like your nobihty of Europe, he took his 
name of Kortlandt (or lackland) from his landed estate, which 
lay somewhere in terra incognita. 

Of the next of our worthies, might I have had the benefit of 
mythological assistance, the want of wliich I have just lament- 
ed, I should have made honourable mention, as boasting equally 
illustrious pedigree with the proudest hero of antiquity. His 
name of Van Zandt, which, being freely translated, signifies, 
from the dirt, meaning, beyond a doubt, that, like Triptole- 
mus, Themis, the Cyclops and the Titaiis, he sprang from dame 
Terra, or the earth ! This supposition is strongly corroborated 
by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of mother 
earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, 
was a tall, raw-boned man, above six feet high — with an aston- 
isliing hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van 
Zandt a whit more improbable or repugnant to behef than 
what is related and universally admitted of certain of our 
greatest, or rather richest men ; who, we are told with the ut- 
most gravity, did originally spring from a dunghill ! 

Of the third hero, but a faint description has reached to this 
time, which mentions that he was a sturdy, obstinate, burly, 
busthng little man : and from being usually equipped with an 
old pair of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck, 
or Tough Bi^eeches. 

Ten "Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is a 
singular, but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupulous in 
recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted to pass 
over in silence, as incompatible with the gravity and dignity 
of history, that this worthy gentleman should likewise have 
been nicknamed from the most whimsical part of his dress. In 
fact, the small-clothes seems to have been a very important 
garment in the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing in all 
probability to its reaUy being the largest article of raiment 
among them. The name of Ten Broeck, or Tin Broeck, is 
indifferently translated into Ten Bi'eeches and Tin Breeches--^ 



A HISTORY OB' NEW-YORK. 71 

the High Dutch commentators incline to the former opinion ; 
and ascribe it to his being the first who introduced into the 
settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wearing ten pair of 
breeches. But the most elegant and ingenious writers on the 
subject declare in favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches; 
from whence they infer, that he was a poor, but merry rogue, 
whose galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who was 
the identical author of that truly philosophical stanza : 

" Then why should we .quarrel for riches, 
Or any such glittering toys ? 
A light heart and thin pair of breeches. 
Will go through the world, my brave boys I" 

Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct this voyage 
into unknown realms ; and the whole was put under the super- 
intending care and direction of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who was 
held in great reverence among the sages of Communipaw, for 
the variety and darkness of his knowledge. Having, as I 
before observed, passed a gi'eat part of his life in the open air, 
among the peripatetic philosophers of Amsterdam, he had 
become amazingly well acquainted with the aspect of the 
heavens, and could as accurately deteritiine when a storm was 
brewing, or a squall rising, as a dutiful husband can foresee, 
from the brow of his spouse, when a tempest is gathering 
about his ears. He was moreover a great seer of ghosts and 
goblins, and a firm believer in omens; but what especially 
recommended him to public confidence was his marvellous 
talent at dreaming, for there never was anything of conse- 
quence happened at Communipaw but what he declared he 
had previously dreamt it ; being one of those infallible prophets 
who always predict events after they have come to pass. 

This supernatural gift was as highly valued among the 
burghers of Pavonia, as it was among the enlightened nations 
of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted to his 
sleeping than his waking moments for all his subtle achieve- 
ments, and seldom undertook any great exploit without first 
soundly sleeping upon it ; and the same may truly be said of 
the good Van Kortlandt, who was thence aptly denominated, 
Oloffe the Dreamer, 

This cautious commander, having chosen the crews that 
should accompany him ixx the proposed expedition, exhorted 
them to repair to their homes, take a good night's rest, settle 
^ family affairs, and make their wills, before departing on 



72 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. 

this voyage into unknown realms. And indeed this last was 
a precaution always taken by our forefathers, even in after 
times, when they became more adventurous, and voyaged to 
Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other far 
country that lay beyond the great waters of the Tappaan 2iee. 



CHAPTER IV. 



HOW THE HEROES OF COMMUNIPAW VOYAGED TO HELL-GATE, 
AND HOW THEY WERE RECEIVED THERE. 

And now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in the 
east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst golden 
and purple clouds, shed his blithesome rays on the tin weather- 
cocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious season of the 
year, when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old 
winter, hke a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid 
old father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand charms, 
into the arms of youthful spring. Every tufted copse and 
blooming grove resounded with the notes of hymeneal love. 
The very insects, as they si}^ed the dew that gemmed the 
tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous epithala- 
mium— the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, " the- 
voice of the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of 
man dissolved away in tenderness. Ohl sweet Theocritus! 
had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou erst did charm the 
gay Sicilian plains.— Or, oh! gentle Bion! thy pastoral pipe, 
wherein the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much de- 
lighted, then might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or negli- 
gent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene — but having 
nothing, save this jaded goose-qmU, wherewith to wing my 
flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, 
and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; comforting myself 
with the hope, that though it may not steal so sweetly upon 
the imagination of my reader, yet may it commend itself, with 
virgin modesty, to his better judgment, clothed in the chaste 
and simple garb of truth. 

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart into the 
windows of Communipaw, than the little settlement was all in 
piotion. Forth issued from, his castle the sage Van Kortlandt, 



A HISTORY OP NEW-TOUK. ' 73 

and seizing a conch-shell, blew a far-resounding blast, that 
soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did they trudge 
resolutely down to the water-side, escorted by a multitude of 
relatives and friendiS, who all went down, as the common 
phrase expresses it, "to see them off." And this shows the 
antiquity of those long family processions, often seen in our 
city, composed of all ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles, 
and bandboxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins about 
to depart for home in a market-boat. 

The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron of three 
canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round Dutch boat, 
shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly been the jolly- 
boat of the Goede Vrouw. And now all being embarked, they 
bade farewell to the gazing tlu'ong upon the beach, who con- 
tinued shouting after them, even when out of hearing, wishing 
them a happy voyage, advising them to take good care of 
themselves, and not to get drowned— with an abundance other 
of those sage and invaluable cautions, generally given by 
landsmen to such as go down to the sea in ships, and adven- 
ture upon the deep waters. In the meanwhile, the voyagers 
cheerily urged their course across the crystal bosom of the 
bay, and soon left behind them the green shores of ancient 
Pavonia. 

And first they touched at two small islands which lie nearly 
opposite Communipaw, and which are said to have been 
brought into existence about the time of the great irruption of 
the Hudson, when it broke through the Highlands, and made 
its way to the ocean.* For in this tremendous uproar of the 
waters, we are told that many huge fragments of rock and 
land were rent from the mountains and swept down by this 
runaway river for sixty or seventy miles ; where some of them 
ran aground on the slioals just opposite Communipaw, and 
formed the identical islands in question, while others drifted 
out to sea and were never heard of more. A sufficient proof 



* It is a matter long since established by certain of our philosophers, that is 
to say, having been often advanced, and never contradicted, it has grown to be 
pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson was originally a lake, dammed 
up by the mountains of the Highlands. In process of time, however, becoming 
very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, and 
weak in the back, bj' reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, 
and after a violent struggle effected its escape. This is said to have come to pass 
in very remote time; probably before that, rivers had lost the art of running up 
hill. The foregroing is a theory in which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwith- 
standing that I do fully give it my belief. 



'5'4' -4 niSTORT OF NEW-TOnK. 

of the fact is, that the rock which forms the bases of these 
islands is exactly similar to that of the Highlands, and, more- 
over, one of our philosophers, who has diligently compared the 
agreement of their respective surfaces, has even gone so far as 
to assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island was originally 
nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony's Nose.* 

Leaving these wonderful httle isles, they next coasted by 
Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning fortress and 
grinning batteries. They would by no means, however, land 
upon this island, since they doubted much it might be the 
abode of demons and spirits, which in those days did greatly 
abound throughout this savage and pagan country. 

Just at this time a shoal of joUy porpoises came rolling and 
tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides to the sun, and spout- 
ing up the briny element in.sparkling showers. No sooner did 
the sage Oloffe mark this, than he was greatly rejoiced. 
"This," exclaimed he, " if I mistake not, augurs well— the por- 
poise is a fat, well-conditioned fish — a burgomaster among 
fishes — his looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity — I 
greatly admire this round, fat fish, and doubt not but this 
is a happy omen of the success of our undertaking." So say- 
ing, he directed his squadron to steer in the track of these 
alderman fishes. 

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up the 
strait vulgarly called the East Eiver. And here the rapid 
tide which courses through this strait, seizing on the gallant 
tub in which Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked, hur- 
ried it forward with a velocity unparalleled in a Dutch boat, 
navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch that the good commodore, 
who had all his fife long been accustomed only to the drowsy 
navigation of canals, was more than ever convinced that they 
were in the hands of some supernatural power, and that the 
jolly porpoises were towing them to some fair haven that was 
to fulfil all their wishes and expectations. 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled that 
boisterous point of land since called Corlear's Hook,t and leav- 
ing to the right the rich winding cove of the WaUabout, they 
drifted into a magnificent expanse of water, surrounded by 
pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly refreshing to 
the eye. While the voyagers were looking around them, on 



* A promontory in the Highlands. 

t Eroperly spelt hoeck, {i. e,, a point of land.) 



A mSTORT OF NEW-YORK. 75 

what they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake, they 
beheld at a distance a crew of painted savages, busily em- 
ployed in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this 
romantic region — their slender canoe lightly balanced like a 
feather on the undula?ting surface of the bay. 

At sight of these, the hearts of the heroes of Communipaw 
were not a little troubled. But as good fortune would have it, 
at the bow of the commodore's boat was stationed a very 
valiant man, nanied Hendrick Kip, (which being interpreted, 
means chicken, a name given him in token of his courage.) No 
sooner did he behold these varlet heathens than he trembled 
with excessive valour, and although a good half mile distant, 
he seized a musquetoon that lay at hand, and turning away 
his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. 
The blundering weapon recoiled and gave the valiant Kip an 
ignominious kick, that laid him prostrate with uplifted heels in 
the bottom of the boat. But such was the effect of this tre- 
mendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck with con- 
sternation, sei2?ed hastily upon their paddles, and shot away 
into one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore. 

This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy voyagers, 
and in honour of the achievement they gave the name of the 
valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has continued to be 
called Kip's Bay from that time to the present. The heart of 
the good Van Kortlandt— who, having no land of his own, was 
a great admirer of other people's — expanded at the sumptuous 
prospect of rich, unsettled country around him, and falling 
into a delicious reverie, he straightway began to riot in the 
possession of vast meadows of salt marsh and interminable 
patches of cabbages. From this delectable vision he was all at 
once awakened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would 
soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had not the 
discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore ; where they 
accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights of Eellevue— 
that happy retreat, where our jolly aldermen eat for the good 
of the city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic 
solemnities. 

Here, seated on the greensward, by the side of a small stream 
that ran sparkhng among the grass, they refreshed themselves 
after the toils of the seas, by feasting lustily on the ample 
stores which they had provided for this perilous voyage. 
Thus having well fortified their deliberative powers, they fell 
into an earnest consultation, what was farther to be done. 



'76 V ^ HiSTOBY OB' NEW- YORK. 

This was the first council dinner ever eaten at Bellevue by 
Christian burghers, and here, as tradition relates, did originate 
the great family feud between the Hardenbroecks and the Ten- 
broecks, which afterwards had a singular influence on the 
building of the city. The sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose eyes 
had been wondrously delighted with the salt marshes that 
spread their reeking bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of 
Kip's Bay, counselled by aU means to return thither, and found 
the intended city. This was strenuously opposed by the un- 
bending Ten Broeck, and many testy arguments passed be- 
tween them. The particulars of this controversy have not 
reached us, which is ever to be lamented ; this much is certain, 
that the sage Oloffe put an end to the dispute, by determining 
to explore still farther in the route which the mysterious por- 
poises had so clearly pointed out — whereupon the sturdy Tough 
Breeches abandoned the expedition, took possession of a neigh- 
bouring hill, and in a fit of great wrath peopled all that tract of 
country, which has continued to be inhabited by the Harden- 
broecks unto this very day. 

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin 
sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roU down the 
declivity of the heavens ; and now, the tide having once more 
turned in their favour, the resolute Pavonians again committed 
themselves to its discretion, and coasting along the western 
shores, were borne towards the straits of Blackwell's Island. 

And here the capricious wanderings of the current occasioned 
not a little marvel and perplexity to these illustrious mariners. 
Now would they be caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweep- 
ing round a jutting point, would wind deep into some romantic 
little cove, that indented the fair island of Manna-hata; now 
were they hurried narrowly by the very basis of impending 
rocks, mantled with the flaunting grape-vine, and crowned 
with groves that threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; 
and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel, and 
wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed the 
sage Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly receding 
on either side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma 
was giving them the slip. 

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation 
seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift appeared 
to check the delicious wildness of nature, who here reveUed in 
all her luxuriant variety. Those hills, now bristled, hke the 
fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars, (vain upstart plants! 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 77 

minions of wealth and fashion !) were then adorned with the 
vigorous natives of the soil; the lordly oak, the generous 
chestnut, the graceful elm— while hei'e and there the tulip-tree 
reared its majestic head, the giant of the forest- Where now 
are seen the gay retreats of luxury— villas half buried in twi- 
hght bowers, whence the amorous flute oft breathes the sighings 
of some city swain — there the fish-hawk built his solitary nest, 
on some dry tree that overlooked his watery domain. The 
tunid deer fed undisturbed along those shores now hallowed by 
the lovers' moordight walk, and printed by the slender foot of 
beauty; and a savage solitude extended over those happy 
regions where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, 
the Schermerhornes, and the Rhinelanders. 

Thus ghding in silent wonder through these new and unknown 
scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept by the foot of a 
promontory that strutted forth boldly into the waves, arid 
seemed to frown upon them as they brawled against its base. 
This is the bluff well known to modern mariners by the name 
of Gracie's point, from the fair castle which, like an elephant, 
it carries upon its back. And here broke upon their view a 
wild and varied prospect, where land and water were beaute- 
ously intermingled, as though they had combined to heighten 
and set off each other's charms. To their right lay the sedgy 
point of Blackwell's Island, drest in the fresh garniture of living 
green— beyond it stretched the pleasant coast of Sundswick, 
and the small harbour well known by the name of Hallet's 
Cove— a place infamous in latter days, by reason of its being 
the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, robbing orchards 
and watermelon patches, and insulting gentlemen navigators 
when voyaging in their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep bay, 
or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed with 
forests, and forming a kind of vista, through which were be- 
held the sylvan regions of Haerlem, Morrisania, and East 
Chester. Here the eye reposed with delight on a richly- wooded 
country, diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and 
waving Hues of upland SAvelling above each other ; while over 
the whole the purple mists of spring diffused a hue of soft 
voluptuousness. 

Just before them the grand course of the stream, making a 
sudden bend , wound among embowered promontories and shores 
of emerald verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A 
chaiacter of gentleness and mild fertility prevailed around. 
The sun had Just descended, and the thin haze of twilight, like 



78 A HISTORY OF NKW-YORK. 

a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, 
heightened the charms which it half concealed. 

Ah I witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah I hapless voyagers, 
gazing with simple wonder on these Circean shores! Such, 
•alas! are they, poor easy souls, who hsten to the seductions of 
a wicked world— treacherous are its smiles I fatal its caresses ! 
He who , yields to its enticements launches upon a whelming 
tide, and trusts his feeble bark among tlie dimpling eddies of a 
whirlpool ! And thus it fared with the worthies of Pavonia, 
who, httle mistrusting the guileful scene before them, drifted 
quietly on, until they were aroused by an uncommon tossing 
and agitation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling cur- 
rent began to brawl around them, and the waves to boil and 
foam with horrific fury. Awakened as if from a dream, the 
astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to put about, but his words 
were lost amid the roaring of the waters. And now ensued a 
scene of direful consternation— at one time they were borne 
with dreadful velocity among tumultuous breakers ; at another, 
hurried down boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed 
upon the Hen and Chickens ; (infamous rocks !- -more voracious 
than Scylla and her whelps;) and anon they seemed sinking 
into yawning gulfs, that threatened to entomb them beneath 
the waves. All the elements combined to produce a hideous 
confusion. The waters raged — the winds howled— and as they 
were hurried along, several of the astonished mariners beheld 
the rocks and trees of the neighbouring shores driving through 
the air ! 

At length the mighty tub of ConMnodore Van Kortlandt was 
drawn into the vortex of that tremendous whirlpool called 
the Pot, where it was whirled aoout in giddy mazes, until the 
f?enses of the good commander and his crew were overpowered 
by the horror of the scene and the strangeness of the revolu- 
tion. 

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched from the 
jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never been truly made 
known, for so many survived to tell the tale, and, what is still 
more wonderful, told it in so many different ways, that there 
has ever prevailed a great variety of opinions on the subject. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to their 
senses they found themselves stranded on the Long Island 
shore. The worthy commodore, indeed, used to relate many 
and wonderful stories of his adventures in this time of pei^il ; 
how th9,t he saw spectres flying in the air, and heard the yell-. 



A msTonr of new-york. 79 

ing of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the Pot when they 
were whirled around and found the water scalding hot, and 
beheld several uncouth-looking beings seated on rocks and 
skimming it with huge ladles— but particularly he declared, 
with great exultation, that he saw the losel porpoises, which 
had betrayed them into this peril, some broiling on the Gridiron 
and others kissing in the Frying-pan ! 

These, however, were considered by many as mere phantasies 
of the commodore's imagination, while ho lay in a trance; 
especially as he was known to be given to dreaming ; and the 
truth of them has never been clearly ascertained. It is certain, 
however, that to the accounts of Olofle and his followers may 
be traced the various tradii^ions handed dov/n of this marvellous 
strait— as how the devil has been seen there, sitting astride of 
the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle— how he broils fish 
there before a storm; and many other stories, in which we 
must be cautious of puttmg too much faith. In consequence of 
all these terrific circumstances, the Pavonian conmaander gave 
this pass the name of Helle-gat, or as it has been interpreted, 
Hell- Gate ; * whifch it continues to bear at the present day. 



CHAPTEE V. 



HOW THE HEROES OF COMMUNIPAW RETURNED SOMEWHAT WISER 
THAN THEY WENT — AND HOW THE SAGE OLOFFE DREAMED A 
DREAM — AND THE DREAM THAT HE DREAMED. 

The darkness of night had closed upon this disastrous day, 
and a doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavonians, 
whose ears were incessantly assailed with the raging of the 



* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six miles above New- 
York. It is dangerous to shipping, unless under the care of skilful pilots, by reason 
of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. These have received sundry appella- 
tions, such as the Gridiron, Frying-pan, Hog's Back, Pot, &c., and are very violent 
and turbulent at certain times of the tide. Certain wise men, who instruct these 
modern days, have softened the above characteristic name into Hurl-gate, which 
means nothing. I leave them to give their own etymology. The name as given by 
our author is supported by the map in Vauder Donck's history, published in 1656— 
by Ogilvie's history of America, 1671 — as also by a journal still extant, written in 
the 16th century, and to be found in Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS., 
written in French, speaking of various alterations in names about this city, ob- 
serves, " De Helle-gat trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-Gate, Porte d'Enfer," 



go ^ liiSTORY OF M^W-tOBlL 

elements, and the howling of the hobgoblins that infested this 
perfidious strait. But when the morning dawned, the horrors 
of the preceding evening had passed away ; rapids, breakei-s, 
and whirlpools had disappeared ; the stream again ran smooth 
and dimpling, and having changed its tide, rolled gently back, 
towards the quarter where lay their much-regretted home. 

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other with 
rueful countenances ; their squadron had been totally dispersed 
by the late disaster. Some were cast upon the western shore, 
where, headed by one Euleff Hopper, they took possession of 
all the country lying about the six -mile stone ; which is held 
by the Hoppers at this present writing. 

The Waldrons v/ere driven by stress of weather to a distant 
coast, where, having with them a jug of genuine Hollands, 
they were enabled to conciliate the savages, setting up a kind 
of tavern ; from whence, it is said, did spring the fair town of 
Haerlem, in which their descendants have ever since con- 
tinued to be reputable publicans. As to the Suydams, they 
were thrown upon the Long Island coast, and may still be 
found in those parts. But the most singular luck attended the 
great Ten Broeck, who, falling overboard, was miraculously 
preserved from sinking by the multitude of his nether gar- 
ments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on the waves like a mer- 
man, or like the cork float of an angler, until he landed safely 
on a rock, where he was found the next morning, busily dry- 
ing his many breeches in the sunshine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of our adventurers 
—how they determined that it would not do to found a city in 
this diabolical neighbourhood— and how at length, with fear 
and trembling, they ventured once more upon the briny ele- 
ment, and steered their course back for Communipaw. Suffice 
it, in simple brevity, to say, that after toiling back through the 
scenes of their yesterday's voyage, they at length opened the 
southern point of Manna-hata, and gained a distant view of 
their beloved Communipaw. 

And here they v(rere opposed by an obstinate eddy, that re- 
sisted all the efforts of the exhausted mariners. Weary and 
dispirited, they could no longer make head against the power 
of the tide, or rather, as some will have it, of old Neptune, 
who, anxious to guide them to a spot whereon should be 
founded his stronghold in this western world, sent half a score 
of potent billows, that rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kort- 
landt high and dry on the shores of Manna-hata. 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YOUR. 81 

Having thus in a manner been guided by supernatural 
power to this delightful island, their first care was to light a 
fire at the foot of a large tree, that stood upon the point at 
present caUed the Battery. Then gathering together great 
store of oysters which abounded on the shore, and emptying 
the contents of their wallets, they prepared and made a sump- 
tuous council repast. The worthy Van Kortlandt was observed 
to be particularly zealous in his devotions to the trencher ; for 
having the cares of the expedition especially committed to his 
care, he deemed it incumbent on him to eat profoundly for the 
public good. In proportion as he filled hunself to the very 
brim with the dainty viands before him, did the heart of this 
excellent burgher rise up towards his throat, until he seemed 
crammed and almost choked with good eating and good 
nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is in his 
throat, that he may more truly be said to speak from it, and 
his speeches abound with kindness and good-fellowship. Thus 
the worthy Oloffe having swallowed the last possible morsel, 
and washed it down with a fervent potation, felt his heart 
yearning, and his whole frame in a manner dilating with un- 
bounded benevolence. Every thing around him seemed excel- 
lent and delightful ; and, laying his hands on each side of his 
capacious periphery, and rolling his half -closed eyes around on 
the beautiful diversity of land and water before him, he ex- 
claimed, in a. fat half -smothered voice, ' ' What a charming 
prospect !" The words died away in his throat — he seemed to 
ponder on the fair scene for a moment— his eyelids heavily 
closed over their orbs— his head drooped upon his bosom— he 
slowly sunk upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gradu- 
ally upon him. 

And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream— and lo, the good St. 
Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, in that self- 
same wagon wherein he brings his yearly presents to children, 
and he came and descended hard by where the heroes of Com- 
munipaw had made their late repast. And the shrewd Van 
Kortlandt knew him by his broad hat, his long pipe, and the 
resemblance which he bore to the figure on the bow of the 
Goede Vrouw. And he lit his pipe by the fire, and sat himself 
down and smoked ; and as he smoked, the smoke from his pipe 
ascended into the air, and spread like a cloud overhead. And 
Oloffe bethought him, and he hastened and climbed up to the 
top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the smoke spread 
over a great extent of country— and as he considered it more 



32 A HISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke as- 
smned a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity 
he saw shadowed out palaces and domes and lofty spires, all of 
which lasted but a moment, and then faded away, until the 
whole rolled off, and nothing but the green woods were left. 
And when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, he twisted it in 
his hat-band, and laying his finger beside his nose, gave the 
astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant wink, then mount- 
ing his wagon, he returned over the tree-tops and disappeared. 

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly instructed, 
and he aroused his companions, and related to them his dream, 
and interpreted it, that it was the will of St. Nicholas that they 
should settle down and build the city here. And that the 
smoke of the pipe was a type how vast should be the extent of 
the city ; inasmuch as the volumes of its smoke should spread 
over a wide extent of country. And they all, with one voice, 
assented to this interpretation, excepting Mynheer Ten Broeck, 
who declared the meaning to be that it should be a city wherein 
a little fire should occasion a great smoke, or in other words, a 
very vapouring little city — both which interpretations have 
strangely come to pass ! 

The great object of their perilous expedition, therefore, being 
thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned merrily to 
Communipaw, where they were received with great rejoicings. 
And here calHng a general meeting of all the wise men and the 
dignitaries of Pavonia, they related the whole history of their 
voyage, and of the dream of Oloffe Van Kortlandt. And the 
people lifted up their voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas, 
and from that time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held 
more in honour than ever, for his great talent at dreaming, 
and was pronounced a most useful citizen and a right good 
man— when he was asleep. 



CHAPTER VI. 



CONTAINING AN ATTEMPT AT ETYMOLOGY— AND OF THE FOUND- 
ING OP THE GREAT CITY OP NEW-AMSTERDAM. 

The original name of the island wherein the squadron of 
Communipaw was thus propitiously thrown, is a matter of 
some dispute, and has ah eady undergone considerable vitiation 



A HISTORY OF NEWTORK. 83 

— a melancholy proof of the instability of all sublunary things, 
and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ! For who can 
expect his name will hve to posterity, when even the names of 
mighty islands are thus soon lost in contradiction and uncer- 
tainty? 

The name most current at the present day, and which is 
likewise countenanced by the great historian Vander Donck, 
is Manhattan ; which is said to have originated in a custom 
among the squaws, in the early settlement, of wearing men's 
hats, as is still done among many tribes. " Hence," as we are 
told by an old governor who was somewhat of a wag, and 
flourished almost a century since, and had paid a visit to the 
wits of Philadelphia, "hence arose the appellation of man-hat- 
on, first given to the Indians, and afterwards to the island " — a 
stupid joke ! — but well enough for a governor. 

Among the more venerable sources of information on this 
subject, is that valuable history of the American possessions, 
written Dy Master Richard Blome in 1687, wnerein it is called 
Manliadaes and Manahanent ; nor must I forget the excellent 
little book, full of precious matter, of that authentic historian, 
JohnJosselyn, Gent., who expressly calls it Manadaes. 

Another etymology still more ancient, and sanctioned by 
the countenance of our ever-to-be-lamented Dutch ancestors, is 
that found in certain letters still extant;* which passed be- 
tween the early governors and their neighbouring powers, 
wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes — Munhatos, and 
Manhattoes, which are evidently unimportant variations of 
the same name; for our wise forefathers set little store by 
those niceties either in orthography or orthoepy which form 
the sole study and ambition of many learned men and women 
of this hypercritical age. This last name is said to be derived 
from the great Indian spirit Manetho, who was supposed to 
make this island his favourite abode, on account of its uncom- 
mon delights. For the Indian traditions affirm that the bay 
was once a transkicid la.ke, filled vv^ith silver and golden fish, 
in the midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered with 
every variety of fruits and flowers ; but that the sudden irrup- 
tion of the Hudson laid waste these blissful scenes, and 
Manetho took his flight beyond the great waters of Ontario. 

These, however, are fabulous legends to which very cau- 
tious credence must be given; and although I am wilhng to 



.Vide Hazard's Col. State Papers. 



84 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- TORE. 

admit the last quoted orthography of the name, as very suit- 
able for prose, yet is there another one founded on still more 
ancient and indisputable authority, which I particularly de- 
light in, seeing that it is at once poetical, melodious, and signi- 
ficant — and this is recorded in the before-mentioned voyage of 
the great Hudson, written by master Juet; who clearly and 
correctly calls it Manna-hata — that is to say, the island of 
Manna, or in other words — "a land flowing with milk and 
honey." 

It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire 
should be transferred from the green shores of Pavonia to this 
delectable island, a vast multitude embarked, and migrated 
across the mouth of the Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe 
the Dreamer, who was appointed protector or patron to the 
new settlement. 

And hear let me bear testimony to the matchless honesty 
and magnanimity of our worthy forefathers, who purchased 
the son of the native Indians before erecting a single roof — a 
circumstance singular and almost incredible in the annals of 
discovery and colonization. 

The first settlement was made on the south-west point of the 
island, on the very spot where the good St. Nicholas had ap- 
peared in the dream. Here they built a mighty and impreg- 
nable fort and trading house, called Fort Amsterdam, wliich 
stood on that eminence at present occupied by the custom- 
house, with the open space now called the Bowling-Green in 
front. 

Around this potent fortress was soon seen a numerous pro- 
geny of little Dutch houses, with tiled roofs, all which seemed 
most lovingly to nestle under its walls, like a brood of half- 
fledged chickens sheltered under the wings of the mother hen. 
The whole was surrounded by an inclosure of strong palisa- 
does, to guard against any sudden irruption of the savages, 
who wandered in hordes about the swamps and forests that 
extended over those tracts of country at present called Broad- 
way, Wall-street, William-street, and Pearl-street. 

No sooner was the colony once planted, than it took root and 
throve amazingly ; for it would seem that this thrice-favoured 
island is like a munificent dunghill, where every foreign weed 
finds kindly nourishment, and soon shoots up and expands to 
greatness. 

And now the infant settlement having advanced in age and 
stature, it was thought high time it should receive an honest 



A Mis TOBY OF NEW-TORK. 85 

Clliristian name, and it was accordingly called New- Amster- 
dam. It is true, there were some advocates for the original 
Indian name, and many of the best writers of the province did 
long continue to caU it by the title of " Manhattoes;" but this 
was discountenanced by the authorities, as being heathenish 
and savage. Besides, it was considered an excellent and praise- 
worthy measiu-e to name it after a great city of the old world; 
as by that means it was induced to emulate the greatness and 
renown of its namesake — in the manner that little snivelling 
urchins are called after gi-eat statesmen, saints, and worthies 
and renowned generals of yore, upon which they all industri- 
ously copy their examples, and come to be very mighty men in 
their day and generation. 

The thriving state of the settlement, and the rapid increase 
of houses, gradually awakened the good Oloffe from a deep 
lethargy, into which he had fallen after the building of the 
fort. He now began to tliink it was time some plan should 
be devised on which the increasing town should be built. 
Summoning, therefore, his counsellors and coadjutors together, 
they took pipe in mouth, and forthwith sunk into a very sound 
dehberation on the subject. 

At the very outset of the business an unexpected difference 
of opinion arose, and I mention it with much sorrowing, as 
being the first altercation on record in the councils of New- 
Amsterdam. It was a breaking forth of the grudge and heart- 
burning that had existed between those two e^xdnent burghers. 
Mynheers Tenbroeck and Hardenbroeck, ever since theii' un- 
happy altercation on the coast of Bellevue. The great Harden- 
broeck had waxed very wealthy and powerful, from his 
domains, which embraced the whole chain of Apulean moun- 
tains that stretched along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from 
part of which his descendants have been expelled in later ages 
by the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes. 

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer Ten- 
broeck, who proposed that it should be cut up and intersected 
by canals, after the manner of the most admired cities in Hol- 
land. To this Mynheer Hardenbroeck was diametrically op- 
posed, suggesting in place thereof, that they should run out 
docks and wharves, by means of piles driven into the bottom 
of the river, on which the town should be built. By these 
means, said he triumphantly, shall we rescue a considerable 
space of territory from these immense rivers, and build a city 
that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city ir^ 



^(5 A HISTORY OF NEW-YOM. 

Europe. To this proposition, Ten Broeck (or Ten Breeches) 
rephed, with a look of as much scorn as he could possibly as- 
sume. He cast the utmost censure upon the plan of his antago- 
nist, as being preposterous, and against the very order of things, 
as he would leave to every true Hollander. " For what," said 
he, " is a town without canals? — it is a body without veins and 
arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the 
vital fluid." Tough Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with 
a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, 
dry-boned habit; he remarked, that as to the circulation of 
the blood being necessary to existence, Mynheer Ten Breeches 
was a living contradiction to his own assertion ; for every body 
knew there had not a drop of blood circulated through his 
wind-dried carcass for good ten years, and yet there was not 
a greater busy-body in the whole colony. Personalities have 
seldom much effect in making converts in argument — nor 
have I ever seen a man convinced of error by being convicted 
of deformity. A.% least such was not the case at present. Ten 
Breeches was very acrimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, 
who was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word, 
rejoined with increasing spirit — Ten Breeches had the advan- 
tage of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breeches had that 
invaluable coat of mail in argument called obstinacy — Ten 
Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but Tough Breeches 
the best bottom— so that though Ten Breeches made a dreadful 
clattering about his ears, and battered and belaboured him with 
hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on 
most resolutely to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual 
in all arguments where both parties are in the right, without 
coming to any conclusion— but they hated each other most 
heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with that between 
the houses of Capulet and Montague did ensue between the 
families of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. 

I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of 
fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires that I 
should be particular — and, in truth, as I am now treating of 
the critical period, when our city, like a young twig, first re- 
ceived the twists and turns that have since contributed to give 
it the present picturesque irregularity for which it is cele- 
brated, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes. 

After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned. I do 
not find that any thing farther was said on the subject wortliy 
of being recorded. The council, consisting of the largest and 



A His TOBY OF SEW- TO UK. SI 

oldest heads in the community, met regularly once a week, to 
ponder on this momentous subject. But either they were de- 
terred by the war of words they had witnessed, or they were 
naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the conse- 
quent exercise of the brains- certain it is, the most profound 
silence was maintained — the question as usual lay on the table 
— the members quietly smoked their pipes, making but few 
laws, without ever enforcing any, and in the meantime the 
affairs of the settlement went on - as it pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery 
of combinmg pot-hooks and hangers, they determined most 
judiciously not to puzzle either themselves or posterity with 
voluminous records. The secretary, however, kept the min- 
utes of the council with tolerable precision, in a large vellum 
foho, fastened with massy brass clasps; the journal of each 
meeting consisted but of two lines, stating in Dutch, that "the 
council sat this day, and smoked' twelve pipes, on the affairs of 
the colony." By which it appears that the first settlers did 
not regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in the same man- 
ner as they measure distances in Holland at this very time ; an 
admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a 
true-born Dutchman is never liable to those accidents and 
irregularities that are continually putting our clocks out of 
order. It is said, moreover, that a regular smoker was ap- 
pointed as council clock, whose (iuty was to sit at the elbow 
of the president and smoke incessantly : every puff marked a 
division of time as exactly as a second-hand, and the knock- 
ing out of the ashes of his pipe was equivalent to striking the 
hour. 

In this manner did the profound council of New-Amsterdam 
smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to week, month to 
month, and year to year, in what manner they should con- 
struct their infant settlement— meanwhile, the town took care 
of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is suffered to run about 
wild, unshackled by clouts and bandages, and other abomina- 
tions by which your notable nurses and sage old women cripple 
and disfigure the children of men, increased so rapidly in 
strength and magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters 
had determined upon a plan, it was too late to put it in ex- 
ecution—whereupon they wisely abandoned the subject al- 
together. 



88 A BISTOliY OF l!^EW-YOnK 



CHAPTER VII. 

HOW THE CITY OF NEW- AMSTERDAM WAXED GREAT, UNDER THE 
PROTECTION OF OLOFFE THE DREAMER. 

There is something exceedingly delusive in thus looking 
back, through the long vista of departed years, and catching 
a ghmpse of the fairy realms of antiquity that lie beyond. 
Like some goodly landscape melting into distance, they receive 
a thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the fancy 
dehghts to fill up their outlines with graces and excellencies 
of its own creation. Thus beam on my imagination those 
happier days of our city, when as yet New- Amsterdam was a 
mere pastoral town, shrouded in groves of sycamore and wil- 
lows, and surrounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading 
waters, that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a 
wicked world. 

In those days did this embryo city present the rare and noble 
spectacle of a community governed without laws; and thus 
being left to its own course, and the fostering care of Provi- 
dence, increased as rapidly as though it had been burthcned 
with a dozen panniers-full of those sage laws that are usually 
heaped on the backs of young cities— in order to make them 
grow. And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom 
and sound knowledge of human nature, displayed by the sage 
Oloffe the Dreamer, and his fellow-legislators. For my part, 
I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many of my 
brother philosophers. I do not think poor human nature so 
sorry a piece of workmanship as they would make it out to 
be ; and as far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that 
man, if left to himself, would about as readily go right as 
wrong. It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it 
is his duty to go right, that makes him go the very reverse. 
The noble independence of his nature revolts at this intolerable 
tyranny of law, and the perpetual interference of officious mo- 
rality, which is ever besetting his path with finger-posts and 
directions to "keep to the right, as the law directs;" and 
like a spirited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and gallops 
through mud and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to 
show that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading-strings. 
And these opinions are amply substantiated by what I havQ 



A HISTORY OF NEW YORK 89 

above said of our worthy ancestors; who never being be- 
preached and be-lectured, and guided and governed by stat- 
utes and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlightened 
descendants, did one and all demean themselves honestly and 
peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or in other words, because 
they knew no better. 

Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures of this 
infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety of our fore- 
fathers, and that, hke good Christians, they were always ready 
to serve God, after they had first served themselves. Thus, 
having quietly settled themselves down, and provided for their 
own comfort, they bethought themselves of testifying their 
gratitude to the great and good St. Nicholas, for his protecting 
care in guiding them to this delectable abode. To this end they 
built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which they con- 
secrated to his name; whereupon he immediately took the 
town of New- Amsterdam under his peculiar patronage, and 
he has ever since been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the 
tutelar saint of this excellent city. 

I am moreover told that there is a little legendary book, 
somewhere extant, written in Low Dutch, which says that the 
image of this renowned saint, which whilome graced the bow- 
sprit of the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in front of this chapel, 
in the very centre of what, in modern days, is called the Bowl- 
ing-Green. And the legend further treats of divers miracles 
-wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in his mouth ; 
a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an indigestion — an 
invaluable relic in this colony of brave trenchermen. As, how- 
ever, in spite of the most diligent search, I cannot lay my 
hands upon this little book, I must confess that I entertain 
considerable doubt on the subject. 

Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the burgh- 
ers of New-Aiiisterdam beheld their settlement increase in 
magnitude and population, and soon become the metropolis of 
divers settlements, and an extensive territory. Already had 
the disastrous pride of colonies and dependencies, those banes 
of a sound-hearted empire, entered into their imaginations ; and 
Fort Aurania on the Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, 
and Fort Goede Hoep on the Connecticut river, seemed to be 
the darling offspring of the venerable council.* Thus prosper- 



* The province about this time, extended on the north to Fort Aurania, or Orange, 
(now the city of Albany,) situated about 160 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed, 



90 A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

ously, to all appearance, did the province of New-Netherlands 
advance in power ; and the early history of its metropolis pre- 
sents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. 

Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the tangled for- 
ests and rich bottoms of the unsettled part of the island— the 
hunter pitched his rude bower of skins and bark beside the riils 
that ran through the cool and shady glens; wdiile here and 
there might be seen, on some sunny knoll, a gioup of Indian 
wigwams, whose smoke rose above the neighbouring trees, and 
floated in the transparent atmosphere. By degrees, a mutual 
good-will had grown up between these wandering beings and 
the burghers of New- Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers 
endeavoured as much as possible to mehorate their situation, 
by giving them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for 
their peltries; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had 
conceived a great friendship for their savage neighbours, on 
account of their being pleasant men to trade with, and little 
skilled in the art of making a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half-human sons of the forest 
would make their appearance in the streets of New- Amster- 
dam, fantastically painted and decorated with beads and flaunt- 
ing feathers, sauntering about with an air of listless indiffer- 
ence—sometimes in the market-place, instructing the little 
Dutch boys in the use of tlie bow and arrow— at other times, 
inflamed with liquor, swaggering and av hooping and yelling 
about the town like so many fiends, to the great dismay of all 
the good wives, who would hurry their children into the house, 
fasten the doors, and throw water upon the enemy from the 
garret-window^s. It is worthy of mention here, that our fore- 
fathers were very particular in holding up these wild men as 
excellent domestic examples— and for reasons that may be 
gathered from the history of master Ogilby, who tells us, that 
"for the least offence the bridegroom soundly beats his wife 
and turns her out of doors, and marries another, insomuch 
that some of them have every year a new wife." Whether 



the province claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence; but this claim was not much 
insisted on at the time, as the country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilder- 
ness. On the south, the province reached to Fort Nassau, on the South river, since 
called the Delaware; and on the east, it extended to the Varsche (.or Fresh) river, 
now the Cormecticut. On this last frontier was likewise erected a fort or trading 
iiouse, much about the s^pot where at present is situated the pleasant town of Hart- 
ford. This was called Fort Goede Hoep, (or Good Hope,") and was intended as well 
for the purposes of trade, as of defence. 



A HIS TOE Y OF NEW-YOJiK. 91 

this awful example had any influence or not, history does not 
mention ; but it is certain that our grandmothers were miracles 
of fidelity and obedience. 

True it is, that the good understanding between our ances- 
tors and their savage neighbours was liable to occasional inter- 
ruptions ; and I have heard my grandmother, who was a very 
wise old woman, and well versed in the history of these parts, 
tell a long story, of a winter's evening, about a battle between 
the New-Amsterdamers and the Indians, which was known by 
the name of the Peach War, and which took place near a peach 
orchard, in a dark glen, which for a long while went by the 
name of the Murderer's Valley. 

The legend of this sylvan war was long current among the 
nurses, old wives, and other ancient chroniclers of the place ; 
but time and improvement have almost obhterated both the 
tradition and the scene of battle ; for what was once the blood- 
stained valley is now in the centre of this populous city, and 
known by the name of Dey -street. 

The accimii-ilating wealth and consequence of New-Amster- 
dam and its dependencies at length awakened the tender solici- 
tude of the mother country; who, finding it a thriving and 
opulent colony, and that it promised to yield great profit, and 
no trouble, all at once became wonderfully anxious about its 
safety, and began to load it with tokens of regard, in the same 
manner that your kno^ving people are sure to overwhelm rich 
relations with their affection and loving-kindness. 

The usual marks of protection shown by mother countries to 
wealthy colonies were forthwith manifested — the first care al- 
ways being to send rulers to the new settlement, with orders 
to squeeze as much revenue from it as it will yield. Accord- 
ingly, in the year of our Lord 1629, Mynheer Wouter Van 
TwiLLER was appointed governor of the province of Nieuw- 
Nederlandts, under the commission and control of their High 
Mightinesses, the Lords States General of the United Nether- 
lands, and the privileged West India Company. 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New-Amsterdam in 
the merry month of June, the sweetest month in aU the yea^r ; 
when Dan ApoUo fieems to dance up the transparent firma- 
ment—when the robin, the thrush, and a thousand other wan- 
ton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous dit- 
ties, and the luxurious little boblincon revels among the clovei- 
blossoms of the meadows— all which happy coincidence per- 
suaded the old dames of New- Amsterdam, who were skilled in 



92 A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and 
prosperous administration. 

But as it would be derogatory to the consequence of the first 
Dutch governor of the great province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, 
to be thus scurvily introduced at the end of the chapter, I will 
put an end to this second book of my history, that I may usher 
hmt in with more dignity in the beginning of my next. 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK 93 



BOOK III. 

W WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF 
WOUTER VAN T WILIER. 



CHAPTER I. 

OF THE RENOWNED WALTER VAN TWILLER — HIS UNPARALLELED 
VIRTUES— AND LIKEWISE HIS UNUTTERABLE WISDOM IN THE 
LAW-CASE OF WANDLE SCHOONHOVEN AND BARENT BLEECKER 
—AND THE GREAT ADMIRATION OP THE PUBLIC THEREAT. 

Grievous and very much to be commiserated is the task of 
the feeling hisk>rian who writes the history of his native land. 
If it fall to his lot to be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, 
the mournful page is watered with his tears — nor can he recall 
the most prosperous and blissful era, without a melancholy 
sigh at the reflection that it has passed away for ever ! I know 
not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the sim- 
plicity of former times, or to that certain tenderness of heart 
incident to all sentimental historians ; but I candidly confess 
that I cannot look back on the happier days of our city, which 
I now describe, mthout a sad dejection of the spirits. With 
a faltering hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion that 
veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors, and as their 
figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself before the 
mighty shades. 

Such are my feehngs when I revisit the family mansion of 
the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the chamber 
where hang the portraits of my forefathers, shrouded in dust, 
like the forms they represent. With pious reverence do I gaze 
on the countenances of those renowned burghers, who have 
preceded me in the steady march of existence— whose sober 
and temperate blood now meanders through my veins, flowing 
slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall 
Boon be stopped for ever I 



94 ^ msTonr of new-yoMI 

These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of the mighty 
men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs ; but who, 
alas, have long since mouldered in that tomb towards which my 
steps are insensibly and irresistibly hastening ! As I pace the 
darkened chamber, and lose myself in melancholy musings, 
the shadowy images around me almost seem to steal once more 
into existence — their countenances to assume the animation of 
life— their eyes to pursue me in every movement 1 Carried 
away by the delusions of fancy, I almost imagine myself sur- 
rounded by the shades of the departed, and holding sweet con- 
verse with the worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich ! 
born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the buffetings of for- 
tune- a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy native land— blest 
with no weeping wife, nor family of nelpless children; but 
doomed to wander neglected through those- crowded streets, 
and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes where 
once thine ancestors held sovereign empire ! 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor 
suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome me, while 
dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous days of the patri- 
archs — on those sweet days of simplicity and ease, which never 
more will dawn on the lovely island of Manna-hata ! 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was de- 
scended from a long hne of Dutch burgomasters, who had 
successively dozed away their lives, and grown fat upon the 
bench of magistracy in Rotterdam ; and who had comported 
themselves mth such singular wisdom and propriety, that 
they were never either heard or talked of — which, next to be- 
ing universally applauded, should be the object of ambition of 
all sage magistrates and rulers. 

The surname of Twiller is said to be a corruption of the 
original Twijfler^ which in English means doubter; a name 
admirably descriptive of Ids deliberative habits. For, though 
he was a man shut up within himself like an oyster, and of 
such a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely ever spoke 
except in monosyllables, yet did he never make up his mind 
on any doubtful point. This was clearly accounted for by his 
adherents, who affirmed that he always conceived every ob- 
ject on so comprehensive a scale, that he had not room in hia 
head to turn it over and examine both sides of it, so that he 
always remained in doubt, merely in consequence of the aston- 
ishing magnitude of his ideas ! 

There are two opposite ways by which some men get into np* 



A HLiTORY OF I\EW-YORK. 95 

tice— one by talking a vast deal and thinking a little, and the 
other by holding their tongues, and not thmking at all. By 
the first, many a vapouring, superficial pretender acquires the 
reputation of a man of quick parts — by the other, many a va- 
cant dunderpate, like the owl, ' he stupidest of birds, comes to 
be complimented by a discerning world with all the attributes 
of wisdom. This, by the way, is a mere casual remark, which 
I would not for the universe have it thought I apply to Gov- 
ernor Van Twiller. On the contrary, he was a very wise 
Dutchman, for he never said a foolish thing — and of such in- 
vincible gravity, that he was never known to laugh, or even 
to smile, through the course of a long and prosperous life. 
Certain, however, it is, there never was a matter proposed, 
however simple, and on which your common narrow-minded 
mortals would rashly determine at the first glance, but what 
the renowned Wouter put on a mighty, mysterious, vacant 
kind of look, shook his capacious head, and, having smoked 
for five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagely observed, 
that "he had his doubts about the matter" — which in process 
of time gained him the character of a man slow in behef , and 
not easily imposed on. 

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as regularly 
formed, and nobly proportioned, as though it had been moulded 
by the hands of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of 
majesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six 
inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference. His 
head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions, 
that dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have 
been puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it; 
wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly 
on the top of.his back-bone, just between the shoulders. His 
body was of an oblong form, particularly capacious at bottom ; 
which was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing that he was a 
man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour of 
walking. His legs, though exceeding short, were sturdy in pro- 
portion to the weight they had to sustain ; so that when erect 
he had not a little the appearance of a robustious beer-barrel, 
standing on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, 
presented a vast expanse, perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by 
any of those lines and angles which disfigure the human coun- 
tenance with what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes 
twinkled feebly in the midst, like two stars of lesser magni- 
tude in the hazy firmamont; ancl his full-fed cheeks, whiclj. 



96 A mSTORY OF NEW-70EK. 

seemed to have taken toll of every thing that went into his 
mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, 
like a Spitzenberg apple. 

His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his 
four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each ; he 
smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining 
twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned Wou- 
ter Van Twiller— a true philosopher, for his mind was either 
elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares and per- 
plexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without 
feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved 
round it, or it round the sun ; and he had watched, for at least 
half a century, the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, 
without once troubling his head with any of those numerous 
theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed liis 
brain, in accounting for its rising above the surrounding 
atmosphere. 

In hi& council he presided with great state and solemnity. 
He sat. in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated for- 
est of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced timmerman of 
Amsterdam, and curiously carved about the arms and feet, 
into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a 
sceptre, he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin 
and amber, which had been presented to a Stadtholder of Hol- 
land, at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Bar- 
bary powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this 
magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right knee with 
a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours together upon 
a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame 
against the opposite wall of the council chamber. Nay, it has 
even been said, that when any deliberation of extraordinary 
length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter 
would absolutely shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, 
that he might not be disturbed by external objects— and at 
such times the internal commotion of his mind was evinced by 
certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers declared 
were merely the noise of conflict, made by his contending 
doubts and opinions. 

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect 
these biographical anecdotes of the great man under consider 
ation. The facts respecting him were so scattered and vague, 
and divers of them so questionable in point of authenticity, 
tJiat I have had to give up the search after many, and decline 



A BISTORT OF NEW- YORK, 97 

the admission of still more, which would have tended to heigh- 
ten the colouring of his portrait. 

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person 
and habits of the renowned Van T wilier, from the considera- 
tion that he was not only the first, but also the best governor 
that ever presided over this ancient and respectable province ; 
and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that I do not 
find throughout the whole of it, a single instance of any offen- 
der being brought to punishment— a most indubitable sign of 
a merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the 
reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the 
renowned Van Twiller was a lineal descendant. 

The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate 
was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that gave 
flattermg presage of a wise and equitable administration. The 
morning after he had been solemnly installed in office, and at 
the moment that he was making his breakfast, from a pro- 
digious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he 
was suddenly interrupted by the appearance of one Wandle 
Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New-Amster- 
dam, who complained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch 
as he fraudulently refused to come to a settlement of accounts, 
seeing that there was a heavy balance in favour of the said 
Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have already observed, 
was a man of few words ; he was likewise a mortal enemy to 
multiplying writings— or being disturbed at his breakfast. 
Having listened attentively to the statement of Wandle 
Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a 
spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth— either as a sign 
that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story — he 
called unto him his constable, and puUing out of his breeches 
pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched it after the defendant as 
a smnmons, accompanied by his tobacco-box as a warrant. 

This summary process was as effectual in those simple days 
as was the seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the 
true believers. The two parties being confronted before him, 
each produced a book of accounts written in a language and 
character that would have puzzled any but a High Dutch com- 
mentator, or a learned decipherer of Egyptian obehsks, to 
understand. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, 
and having poised them in his hands, and attentively counted 
over the number of leaves, fell straightway into a very great 
doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word ; at 



98 A mSTORT OF 'JSEW-yOHK. 

length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his eyes 
for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a. 
subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth, 
puffed forth a column of tobacco-smoke, and with marvellous 
gravity and solemnity pronounced— that having carefully 
counted over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found, 
that one was just as thick and as heavy as the other— therefore 
it was the final opinion of the court that the accounts were 
equally balanced— therefore Wandle should give Barent a re- 
ceipt, and Barent should give Wandle a. receipt— and the con- 
stable should pay the costs. 

This decision being straightway made known, diffused gene- 
ral joy throughout New-Amsterdam, for the people imme- 
diately perceived, that they had a very wise and equitable 
magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect was, 
that not another law-suit took place throughout the whole of 
his administration — and the office of constable fell into such 
decay, that there was not one of those losel scouts known in 
the province for many years. I am the more particular in 
dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem it one of 
the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well 
worthy the attention of modern magistrates, but because it 
was a miraculous event in the history of the renowned 
Wouter — being the only time he was ever known to come to 
a decision in the whole course of his life. 



, CHAPTi:E II. 

CONTAINING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE GRAND COUNCIL OF NEW- 
AMSTERDAM, AS ALSO DIVERS ESPECIAL GOOD PHILOSOPHICAL 
REASONS WHY AN ALDERMAN SHOULD BE FAT — WITH OTHER 
PARTICULARS TOUCHING THE STATE OP THE PROVINCE. 

In treating of the early governors of the province, I must 
caution my readers against confounding them, in point of 
dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen who are 
whimsically denominated governors in this enlightened repub- 
Mc — a set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in fact the 
most dependent, henpecked beings in the community : doomed 
to bear the secret goadings and corrections of their own party, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YOBK. 99 

and the sneers and revilingsof the whole world beside;— set up, 
like geese at Christmas holydays, to be pelted and shot at by 
every whipster and vagabond in the lan('' . On the contrary, the 
Dutch governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority vested in 
all commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were 
in a manner absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, 
if so disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to 
none but the mother country ; which it is well known is aston- 
ishingly deaf to all complpints against its governors, provided 
they discharge the main duty of their station — squeezing out a 
good revenue. This hint will be of importance, to prevent my 
readers from being seized with doubt and incredulity, when- 
ever, in the course of this authentic history, they encounter 
the uncommon circumstance of a governor acting with inde- 
pendence, and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude. 

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business of 
legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, which pre- 
sided immediately over the police. This potent body consisted 
of a schout or baihff, with powers between those of the present 
mayor and sheriff — five burgermeesters, who were equivalent to 
aldermen, and five schepens, who officiated as scrubs, sub- 
devils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in the same 
manner as do assistant aldermen to their principals at the 
present day ; it being their duty to fill the pipes of the lordly 
burgermeesters—hunt the markets for delicacies for corpora- 
tion dinners, and to discharge such other little offices of kind- 
ness as were occasionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly 
understood, though not specifically enjoined, that they should 
consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits of the bur- 
germeesters, and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes ; 
but this last was a duty as rarely called in action in those 
days as it is at present, and was shortly remitted, in conse- 
quence of the tragical death of a fat little schepen — who 
actually died of suffocation, in an unsuccessful effort to force a 
laugh at one of the burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes. 

In return for these humble services, they were permitted to 
say yes and no at the council board, and to have that enviable 
privilege, the run of the public kitchen— being graciously per- 
mitted to eat, and di'ink, and smoke, at all snug junketings and 
public gormandizings, for which the ancient magistrates were 
equally famous with their modern successors. The post of 
schepen, therefore, Hke that of assistant alderman, was eagerly 
coveted by all your burghers of a certain description, who have 



100 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

a huge relish for good feeding, and an humble ambition to be 
great men in a small way — who thirst after a little brief 
authority, that shall render them the terror of the alms-house 
and the bridewell— that shall enable them to lord it over obse- 
quious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger- 
driven dishonesty — that shall give to their beck a hound-like 
pack of catch-poles and bum-baihffs— tenfold greater rogues 
than the culprits they hunt down !— My readers will excuse this 
sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave 
historian — but I have a moral antipathy to catch-poles, bum- 
baihffs, and little great men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with those 
of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and intellect, 
than in prerogative and privilege. The burgomasters, like our 
aldermen, were generally chosen by weight— and not only the 
weight of the body, but likewise the weight of the head. It is 
a maxim practically observed in all honest, plain-thinking, 
regular cities, that an alderman should be fat— and the wisdom 
of this can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in some 
measure an unage of the mind, or rather that the mind is 
moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it 
is cast, has been insisted on by many philosophers, who have 
made human nature their peculiar study— for as a learned 
gentleman of our own city observes, "there is a constant rela- 
tion between the moral character of all intelhgent creatures, 
and their physical constitution— between their habits and the 
structure of their bodies." Thus we see, that a lean, spare, 
diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a petulant, rest- 
less, meddling mind — either the mind wears down the body, by 
its continual motion ; or else the body, not affording the mind 
sufficient house-room, keeps it continually in a state of fretful- 
ness, tossing and worrying about from the uneasiness of its 
situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, unwieldy peri- 
phery is ever attended by a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, 
and at ease ; and we may always observe, that your well-fed, 
robustious burghers are in general very tenacious of their ease 
and comfort ; being great enemies to noise, discord, and distur- 
bance — and surely none are more likely to study the pubhc 
tranquillity than those who are so careful of their own. Who 
ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in 
turbulent mobs? — no — no — it is your lean, hungry men, who 
are continually worrying society, and setting the whole com- 
munity by the ears. 



A HISTOBT OF NEW- YORK. 101 

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not sufficiently- 
attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to every 
man three souls — one immortal and rational, seated in the 
brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body — a second 
consisting of the surly and irascible passions, which, like 
belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart — a third 
mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its 
propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not dis- 
turb the divine soul, by its ravenous bowlings. Now, accord- 
ing to this excellent theory, what can be more clear, than that 
your fat alderman is most likely to have the most regular and 
well-conditioned mind. His head is like a huge, spherical 
chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon 
the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feather 
bed ; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bed-chamber, 
are usually half-closed, that its slumberings may not be dis- 
turbed by external objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged, 
and protected from disturbance, is manifestly most likely to 
perform its functions with regularity and ease. By dint of 
good feeding, moreover, the mortal and mahgnant soul, which 
is confined in the belly, and which, by its raging and roaring, 
puts the irritable soul in the neighbourhood of the heart in an 
intolerable passion, and thus renders men crusty and quarrel- 
some when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced, and put to 
rest — whereupon a host of honest good-fellow qualities and 
kind-hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slyly peeping 
out of the loop-holes of the heart, finding this Cerberus asleep, 
do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and all in their holyday 
suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm — disposing 
their possessor to laughter, good-humour, and a thousand 
friendly offices towards his fellow-mortals. 

As a board of magistrates, formed on this model, think but 
very little, they are the less likely to differ and wrangle about 
favourite opinions — and as they generally transact business 
upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to be lenient 
and indulgent in the administration of their duties. Charle- 
magne was conscious of this, and, therefore, (a pitiful measure, 
for which I can never forgive him,) ordered in his cartularies, 
that no judge should hold a court of justice, except in the 
morning, on an empty stomach — a rule, which, I warrant, 
bore hard upon all the poor culprits in his kingdom. The 
more erdightened and humane generation of the present day 
have taken an opposite course, and have so managed, that the 



102 -4 UISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

aldermen are the best-feel men in the community; feasting 
lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily 
oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire tho 
activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the green 
fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have just said, these 
luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet equanimity and 
repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their transac- 
tions are proverbial for unvarying monotony — and the pro- 
found laws which they enact in their dozing moments, amid 
the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead- 
letters, and never enforced, when awake. In a word, your 
fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a full-fed mastiff, dozes 
quietly at the house-door, always at home, and always at hand 
to watch over its safety — ^but as to electing a lean, meddling 
candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would 
as lief put a grayhound to watch the house, or a race-horse to 
drag an ox- wagon. 

The burgomasters then, as I have already mentioned, wei-e 
wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or assistant alder- 
men, were appointed to attend upon them, and help them eat ; 
but the latter, in the course of time, when they had been fed 
and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and drowsiness of 
brain, became very eligible candidates for the burgomasters' 
chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse 
eats his way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue- 
nosed, skimmed-milk, New-England cheese. 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took 
place between the renowned Wouter and these his worthy 
compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some of our modern 
corporations. They would sit for hours smoking and dozing 
over public affairs, without speaking a word to interrupt that 
perfect stillness so necessary to deep reflection. Under the 
sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller, «and these his worthy coad- 
jutors, the infant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually 
emerging from the swamps and forests, and exhibiting that 
mingled appearance of town and country, customary in new 
cities, and which at this day may be witnessed in the city of 
Washington — that immense metropolis, which makes so glori- 
ous an appearance on paper. 

It was a pleasing sight, in those times, to behold the honest 
burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the bench at the 
door of Ills whitewashed house, under the shade of some 
gigantic sycamore or ovei'hangin^ willow. Here would h^ 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 103 

smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, enjoying the soft south- 
ern breeze, and listening with silent gratulation to the cluck- 
ing of his hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous 
grunting of his swine ; that combination of farm-yard melody, 
which may truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as 
it conveys a certain assurance of profitable marketing. 

The modern spectator, who wanders through the streets of 
this populous city, can scarcely form an idea of the different 
appearance they presented in the priinitive days of the Doubt- 
er. The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of revelry, the 
rumbling equipages of fashion, the rattling of accursed carts, 
and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawling commerce, were 
unknown in the settlement of New- Amsterdam. The grass 
grew quietly in the highways — the bleating sheep and frolic- 
some calves sported about the verdant ridge where now the 
Broadway loungers take their morning stroll — the cunning 
fox or ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, where now are to 
be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous fraternity of 
money-brokers— and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about 
the fields, where now the great Tammany wigwam and the 
patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the wranglings of the 
mob. 

In these good times did a true and enviable equality of rani?: 
and property prevail, equally removed from the arrogance of 
wealth, and the servility and heart-burnings of repining pov- 
erty — and what in my mind is still more conducive to tran- 
quillity and harmony among friends, a happy equality of 
intellect was likewise to be seen. The minds of the good 
burghers of New- Amsterdam seemed all to have been cast in 
one mould, and to be those honest, blunt minds, which, like 
certain manufactures, are made by the gross, and considered 
as exceedingly good for common use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are generally pre-- 
ferred for public employ, and especially promoted to city 
honours ; your keen intellects, hke razors, being considered too 
sharp for common service. I know that it is common to rail 
at the unequal distribution of riches, as the great source of 
jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings; whereas, for my part, 
I verily believe it is the sad inequality of intellect that pre- 
vails, that embroils communities more than anything else; 
and I have remarked that your knowing people, who are so 
much wiser than any body else, are eternally keeping society 
in a ferment, Happily for New-Amsterdam, nothing of the 



104 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

kind was known within its walls — the very words of learning, 
education, taste, and talents were unheard of — a bright genius 
was an animal unknown, and a blue-stocking lady would have 
been regarded with as much wonder as a horned frog* or a fiery 
dragon. No man, in fact, seemed to know more than his 
neighbour, nor any man to know more than an honest man 
ought to know, who has nobody's business to mind but his 
own ; the parson and the council clerk were the only men that 
could read in the community, and the sage Van Twiller 
always signed his name with a cross. 

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little burgh ! existing in 
all the security of harmless insignificance — unnoticed and un- 
envied by the world, without ambition, without vain-glory, 
without riches, without learning, and all their train of carking 
cares — and as of yore, in the better days of man, the deities 
were wont to visit him on earth and bless his rural habitations, 
so we are told, in the sylvan days of New-Amsterdam, the 
good St. Nicholas would often make his appearance in his 
beloved city, of a holy day afternoon, riding joUily among the 
tree-tops, or over the roofs of the houses, now and then draw- 
ing forth magnificent presents from his breeches pockets, and 
dropping them down the chimneys of his favourites. Whereas 
in these degenerate days of iron and brass, he never shows us 
the light of his countenance, nor ever visits us, save one night 
in the year; when he rattles down the chimneys of the de- 
scendants of the patriarchs, confining Ms presents merely to 
the children, in token of the degeneracy of the parents. 

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat gov- 
ernment. The province of the New -Netherlands, destitute of 
wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity that wealth could never 
purchase. There were neither pubhc commotions, nor private 
quarrels; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; neither per- 
secutions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor were there counsel- 
lors, attorneys, catch-poles, or hangmen. Every mr.n attended 
to what little business he was lucky enough to have, or neg- 
lected it if he pleased, without asking the opinion of his neigh- 
bour. In those days, nobody meddled with concerns above his 
comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other people's affairs ; 
nor neglected to correct his own conduct, and reform his own 
character, in his zeal to pull to pieces the characters of others 
— but in a word, every respectable citizen eat when he was not 
hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regularly 
to bed when the sun set, and the fowls went to roost, whether 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TORS:. 20S 

he were sleepy or not ; all which tended so remarkably to the 
population of the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife 
throughout New-Amsterdam made a point of enriching her 
husband with at least one child a year, and very often a brace 
— ^this superabundance of good things clearly constituting the 
true luxury of hfe, according to the favourite Dutch maxim, 
that "more than enough constitutes a feast." Every thing, 
therefore, went on exactly as it should do ; and in the usual 
words employed by historians to express the welfare of a 
country, "the profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned 
throughout the province." 



CHAPTER III. 

HOW THE TOWN OF NEW-AMSTERDAM AROSE OUT OF MUD, AND 
CAME TO BE aiARVELLOUSLY POLISHED AND POLITE — TOGETHER 
WITH A PICTURE OP THE MANNERS OF OUR GREAT-GREAT- 
GRANDFATHERS. 

Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the enlightened 
hteratij who turn over the pages of history. Some there be, 
whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of courage, and whose 
bosoms do work, and swell and foam, with untried valour, like 
a barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain, fresh from under 
the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of readers can be 
satisfied with nothing but bloody battles and horrible en- 
counters; they must be continually storming forts, sacking 
cities, springing mines, marching up to the muzzles of cannon, 
charging bayonet through every page, and revelling in gun- 
powder and carnage. Others, who are of a less martial, but 
equally ardent imagination, and who, withal, are a little 
given to the marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfac- 
tion on descriptions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hair- 
breadth escapes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing 
narrations that just amble along the boundary line of possi- 
bility. A third class, who, not to speak slightly of them, are 
of a lighter turn, and skim over the records of past times, as 
they do over the edifying pages of a novel, merely for relaxa,- 
tion and innocent amusement, do singularly delight in trea- 
sons, executions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagra- 



106 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

tions, murders, and all the other catalogue of hideous crimes, 
that, like cayenne in cookery, do give a pungency and flavour 
to the dull detail of history— while a fourth class, of more 
philosophic habits, do diligently pore over the musty chroni- 
cles of time, to investigate the operations of the human kind, 
and watch the gradual changes in men and manners, effected 
by the progress of knowledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the 
influence of situation. 

If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to solace 
themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, I 
entreat them to exert their patience for a while, and bear with 
the tedious picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, which 
my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw; and I 
promise them that as soon as I can possibly hght upon any 
thing horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go hard, but I 
will make it afford them entertainment. This being promised, 
I turn with great complacency to the fourth class of my 
readers, who are men, or, if possible, women, after my own 
heart; grave, philosophical, and investigating; fond of ana- 
lyzing characters, of taking a start from first causes, and so 
hunting a nation down, through all the mazes of innovation 
and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to wit- 
ness the first development of the newly -hatched colony, and 
the primitive manners and customs prevalent among its in- 
habitants, during the halcyon reign of Van Twiller, or the 
Doubter. 

I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing 
minutely the increase and improvement of New- Amsterdam. 
Their own imaginations will doubtless present to them the 
good burghers, like so many pains-taking and persevering 
beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their labours — they will 
behold the prosperous transformation from the rude log-hut 
to the stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed win- 
dows, and tiled roof— from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant 
cabbage garden; and from the skulking Indian to the pon- 
derous burgomaster. In a word, they will picture to them- 
selves the steady, silent, and undeviating march to prosperity, 
'incident to a city destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by 
a fat government, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry. 

The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding 
chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan for the 
building of their city — the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, 
took it under their peculiar charge, and as they went to and 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. 107 

from pasture, established paths through the bushes, on each 
side of which the good folks built their houses ; which is one 
cause of the rambhng and picturesque turns and labyrinths, 
which distinguish certain streets of New- York at this very 
day. 

The houses of the higher class were generally constructed of 
wood, excepting the gable end, which was of small black and 
yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced on the street, as our 
ancestors, hke their descendants, were very much given to 
outward show, and were noted for putting the best leg fore- 
most. The house was always furnished with abundance of 
large doors and small windows on every floor ; the date of its 
erection was curiously designa^ted by iron figures on the front ; 
and on the top of the roof was perched a fierce little weather- 
cock, to let the family into the important secret which way 
the wind blew. These, like the weathercocks on the tops of 
our steeples, pointed so many different v/ays, that every man 
could have a wind to his mind ; — the most staunch and loyal 
citizens, however, always went according to the weathercock 
on the top of the governor's house, which was certainly the 
most correct, as he had a trusty servant employed every 
morning to climb up and set it to the right quarter. 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion for 
cleanliness was the leading principle in domestic economy, and 
the universal test of an able housewife— a character which 
formed the utmost ambition of our unenlightened grandmoth- 
ers. The front door was never opened except on marriages, 
funerals, new-year's days, the festival of St. Nicholas, or some 
such great occasion. It was ornamented with a gorgeous brass 
knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a dog, 
and sometimes of a lion's head, and was daily burnished with 
such religious zeal, that it was of ttimes worn out by the very 
precautions taken for its preservation. The v/hole house was 
constantly in a state of inundation, under the discipline of 
mops and brooms and scrubbing-brushes ; and the good house- 
wives of those days were a kind of amphibious animal, delight- 
ing exceedingly to be dabbling in water — ^insomuch that a 
historian of the day gravely tells us, that many of his towns- 
women grew to have webbed fingers like unto a duck ; and 
some of them, he had little doubt, could the matter be exam- 
ined into, would be found to have the tails of mermaids— but 
this I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or what is Averse, 
a wilful misrepresentation. 



108 ^ mSTOBY OF NEW-YOBK. 

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, where the 
passion for cleaning was indulged without control. In this 
sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, excepting the 
mistress and her confidential maid, who visited it once a week, 
for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and putting 
things to rights— always taking the precaution of leaving their 
shoes at the door, and entering devoutly in their stocking-feet. 
After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, 
which was curiously stroked into angles, and curves, and 
rhomboids, with a broom— after washing the windows, rub- 
bing and polishing the furniture, and putting a new bunch of 
evergreens in the fire-place— the window-shutters were again 
closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up 
until the revolution of time brought round the weekly clean- 
ing day. 

As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and 
most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a numer- 
ous household assembled around the fire, one would have 
imagined that he was transported back to those happy days of 
primeval simplicity, which float before our imaginations like 
golden visions. The fire-places were of a truly patriarchal 
magnitude, where the whole family, old and young, master and 
servant, black and white, nay, even the very cat and dog, en- 
joyed a community of privilege, and had each a right to a 
corner. Here the old burgher would sit in perfect silence, 
puffing his pipe, looking in the fire with half -shut eyes, and 
thinking of nothing for hours together; the goede vrouw on 
the opposite side would employ herself diligently in spinning 
yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks would crowd 
around the hearth, listening with breathless attention to some 
old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the family, and 
who, perched like a raven in a corner of the chimney, would 
croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string of incredible 
stories about New-England witches— grisly ghosts, horses with- 
out heads— and hairbreadth escapes and bloody encounters 
among the Indians. 

In those happy days a well-regulated family always rose 
with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sun-down. 
Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat old burgh- 
ers showed incontestable symptoms of disapprobation and un- 
easiness at being surprised by a visit from a neighbour on such 
occasions. But though our worthy ancestors were thus singu- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 109 

larly averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social bands 
of intimacy by occasional banquetings, called tea-parties. 

These fashionable parties were generally confined to the 
higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such as kept their 
own cows, and drove their own wagons. The company com- 
monly assembled at three o'clock, and went away about six, 
unless it was in winter-time, when the fashionable hours were 
a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark. 
The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well 
stored with sHces of fat i3ork, fried brown, cut up into mor- 
sels, and swimming in gravy. The company being seated 
around the genial board, and each furnished with a fork, 
evinced their dexterity in launching at the fattest pieces in this 
mighty dish — in much the same manner as sailors harpoon 
porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. 
Sometimes the table was graced with immense apple pies, or 
saucers full of preserved peaches and pears ; but it was always 
sure to boast an enormous dish of balls of sweetened dough, 
fried in hog's fat, and called doughnuts, or olykoeks — a deli- 
cious kind of cake, at present scarce known in this city, ex- 
cepting in genuine Dutch fanxQies. 

The tea was served out of a majestic delft tea-pot, orna- 
mented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds and shep- 
herdesses tending pigs — with boats sailing in the air, and 
houses built in the clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch 
fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their adroit- 
ness in replenishing this pot from a huge coppper tea-kettle, 
which would have made the pigmy macaronies of these degene- 
rate days sweat merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, 
a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup — and the company 
alternately nibbled and sipped with great decorum, until an 
improvement was introduced by a shrewd and economic old 
lady, which was to suspend a large liunp directly over the tea- 
table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it could be swung 
from mouth to mouth — an ingenious expedient which is still 
kept up by some families in Albany ; but which prevails with- 
out exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flatbush, and all our 
uncontaminated Dutch villages. 

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and dig- 
nity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor coquetting — no 
gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden chattering and romping of 
young ones — no self-satisfied struttings of wealthy gentlemen, 
with their brains in their pockets — nor amusing conceits, ari4 



IIQ A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

monkey divertisements, of smart young gentlemen with no 
brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated them- 
selves demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit their 
own woollen stockings ; nor ever opened their lips, excepting to 
say, yali Mynheer^ or yah yah Vrouw, to any question that was 
asked them ; behaving, in all things, like decent, well-educated 
damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tranquilly smoked 
his pipe, and seemed lost in contemplation of the blue and 
white tiles with which the fire-places were decorated ; wherein 
sundry passages of scripture were piously portrayed — Tobit 
and his dog figured to great advantage ; Haman swung con- 
spicuously on his gibbet ; and Jonah appeared most manfully 
bouncing out of the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel 
of fire. 

The parties broke up without noise and without confusion. 
They w^ere carried home by their own carriages, that is to say, 
by the vehicles Nature had provided them, excepting such of 
the wealthy as could afford to keep a wagon. The gentlemen 
gallantly attended then- fair ones to their respective abodes, 
and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the door; 
which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in per- 
fect simplicity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at 
that time, nor should it at the present — if our great-grand^ 
fathers approved of the custom, it would argue a great want 
of reverence in their descendants to say a word against it. 



CHAPTER IV. 



NTAINING FURTHER PARTICULARS OF THE GOLDEN AGE, AND 
WHAT CONSTITUTED A FINE LADY AND GENTLEMAN IN THE 
DAYS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER. 

In this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous 
island of Manna-hata presented a scene, the very counterpart 
of those glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, 
there was, as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an 
honest simplicity, prevalent among its inhabitants, which, 
were I even able to depict, would be but little understood by 
the degenerate age for which I am doomed to write. Even the 
female sex, those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, the 
Ijonesty, and gray-beard customs of society, seemed for a 



A HI8T0EY OF NEW-YORK. HI 

Wnile to conduct themselves with incredible sobriety and 
comeliness. . 

Their hair, untortured by the abominations of art, was scru- 
pulously pomatumed back from their foreheads with a candle, 
and covered with a little cap of quilted calico, which fitted 
exactly to their heads. Their petticoats of linsey-woolsey 
were striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes — though I must 
confess these gallant garments were rather short, scarce 
reaching below the knee; but then they made up in the 
number, which generally equalled that of the gentlemen's 
small-clothes ; and what is still more praiseworthy, they were 
all of their own manufacture — of which circumstance, as may 
well be supposed, they were not a little vain. 

These were the honest days, in which every woman staid at 
home, read the Bible, and wore pockets— ay, and that too of a 
goodly size, fashioned with patchwork into many curious de- 
vices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, in fact, 
were convenient receptacles, where all good housewives care- 
fully stowed away such things as they wished to have at hand ; 
by which means they often came to be incredibly crammed — 
and I remember there was a story current when I was a boy, 
that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once had occasion to 
empty her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, and the 
litensil was discovered lying among some rubbish in one 
corner — but we must not give too much faith to all these 
stories ; the anecdotes of those remote periods being very sub- 
ject to exaggeration. 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissors 
and pincushions suspended from their girdles by red ribands, 
or, among the more opulent and showy classes, by brass, and 
even silver chains, indubitable tokens of thrifty housewives 
and industrious spinsters. I cannot say much in vindication 
of the shortness of the petticoats ; it doubtless was introduced 
for the piu'pose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, 
which were generally of blue worsted, with magnificent red 
clocks— or perhaps to display a well-turned ankle, and a neat, 
though serviceable, foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern shoe, 
with a large and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that 
the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same disposition to 
infringe a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray a 
lurking beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery. 

From the sketch here given, it will be seen that oiu' good 
grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of a fine 



112 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, 

figure from their scantily- dressed descendants of the present 
day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes, 
even on a fair summer's day, than would have clad the whole 
bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor were they the less admired 
by the gentlemen in consequence thereof. On the contrary, 
the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in pro- 
portion to the magnitude of its object — and a voluminous 
damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared by a 
Low Dutch sonnet teer of the province to be radiant as a sun- 
flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it is, 
that in those days, the heart of a lover could not contain more 
than one lady at a time ; whereas the heart of a modern gal- 
lant has often room enough to accoimnodate half-a-dozen. 
The reason of which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of 
the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies 
smaller—this, however, is a question for physiologists to deter- 
mine. 

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which no 
doubt entered into the consideration of the prudent gaUants. 
The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her only fortune ; 
and she who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings was 
as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamtschatka damsel with a 
store of bear-skins, or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein- 
deer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display 
these powerful attractions to the gi^eatest advantage ; and the 
best rooms in the house, instead of being adorned with carica- 
tures of dame Nature, in water-colours and needle-work, were 
always hung round with abundance of home-spun garments, 
the manufacture and the property of the females — a piece of 
laudable ostentation that still prevails among the heiresses of 
our Dutch villages. 

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of the gay 
world in these ancient times, corresponded, in most parti- 
culars, Avith the beauteous damsels whose smiles they were 
ambitious to deserve. True it is, their merits would make but 
a very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of a modern 
fair; they neither drove their curricles nor sported their tan- 
dems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt of 
— neither did they distinguish themselves by their brilhancy 
at the table and their consequent rencontres with watchmen, 
for our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need 
those guardians of the night, every soul throughout the town 
being sound asleep before nine o'clock. Neither did they 



A HISrORT OF NEW-YORK. 113 

establish their claims to gentility at the expense of their 
tailors — for as yet those offenders against the pockets of 
society and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen 
were unknown in New- Amsterdam ; every good housewife 
made the clothes of her husband and family, and even the 
goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it no disparage- 
ment to cut out her husband's linsey-woolsey galhgaskihs. 
' Not but what there were some two or three youngsters 
who manifested the first dawnings of what is called fire and 
spirit— who held all labour in contempt ; skulked about docks 
and market-places; loitered in the sunshine ; squandered what 
little money they could procure at hustle-cap and chuck-far- 
thing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neighbours' 
horses — in short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, and 
abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been un- 
fortunately cut short by an affair of honour with a whipping- 
post. 

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of 
those days— his dress, which served for both morning and 
evening, street and drawing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, 
made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the mistress of his affec- 
tions, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large brass 
buttons— half a score of breeches heightened the proportions of 
his figure— his shoes were decorated by enormous copper 
buckles — a low-crowned, broad-brimmed hat overshadowed his 
burly visage, and his hair dangled down his back in a pro- 
digious queue of eel-skin. 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe in 
mouth, to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart— not such 
a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in 
praise of his Galatea, but one of true delft manufacture, and 
furnished with a charge of fragrant tobacco. With this would 
he resolutely set himself down before the fortress, and rarely 
failed, in the process of time, to smoke the fair enemy into a 
surrender, upon honourable terms. 

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, celebrated 
in many a long-forgotten song as the real golden age, the rest 
being nothing but counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that de- 
lightful period a sweet and holy calm reigned over the whole 
province. The burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace— the 
substantial solace of his domestic cares, after her daily toils 
were done, sat soberly at the door, with her arms crossed over 
her apron of snowy white, without being insulted by ribald 



114 A HISTORY OF JS'EW-TOBK. 

street-walkers, or vagabond boys — those unlucky urchins, who 
do so infest our streets, displaying under the roses of youth 
the thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was that the 'lover 
with ten breeches, and the damsel with petticoats of half a 
score, indulged in all the innocent endearments of virtuous 
love, without fear and without reproach; for what had that 
virtue to fear which was defended by a shield of good linsey- 
woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull-hides of the invinci- 
ble Ajax? 

Ah ! blissful, and never-to-be-forgotten age ! when every 
thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever will be 
again— when Buttermilk Channel was quite dry at low water 
— »when the shad in the Hudson were all salmon, and Avhen the 
moon shone with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of 
that melancholy yellow light which is the consequence of her 
sickening at the abominations she every night witnesses in 
this degenerate city ! 

Happy would it have been for New-Amsterdam, could it 
always have existed in this state of blissful ignorance and 
lowly simplicity — ^but, alas! the days of childhood are too 
sweet to last ! Cities, like men, grow out of them in time, and 
are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the cares, and 
miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate himself when 
he beholds the child of his bosom or the city of his birth in- 
creasing in magnitude and importance — let the history of his 
own hfe teach him the dangers of the one, and this excellent 
little history of Manna-hata convince hun of the calamities of 
the other. 



CHAPTER V. 

m WHICH THE READER IS BEGUILED INTO A DELECTABLE WALK 
WHICH ENDS VERY DIFFERENTLY FROM WHAT IT COMMENCED. 

In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and 
four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing month of September, 
I took my customary walk upon the Battery, which is at once 
the pride and bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city 
of New-Yorlc. The ground on which I trod was hallowed by 
recollections of the past, and as I slowy wandered through the 
long alley of poplars, wliich like so many birch-brooms stan(J~ 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 115 

ing on end, diffused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my 
imagination drew a contrast between the surrounding scenery, 
and what it was in the classic days of our forefathers. "Where 
the government-house by name, but the custom-house by occu- 
pation, proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, there 
whilome stood the low but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the 
renowned Wouter Van T wilier. Around it the mighty bul- 
warks of Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent 
foe; but, like many a wliiskered warrior and gallant militia 
captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone. The mud 
breast- works had long been levelled with the earth, and their 
site converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the Bat- 
tery ; where the gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, and 
the laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and drudgery of 
the week, poured his weekly tale of love into the half -averted 
ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The capacious bay still 
presented the same expansive sheet of water, studded with 
islands, sprinkled with fishing-boats, and bounded with shores 
of picturesque beauty. But the dark forests which once 
clothed these shores had been violated by the savage hand 
of cultivation; and their tangled mazes, and impenetrable 
thickets, had degenerated into teeming orchards and waving 
fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, once a smiling gar- 
den, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was now 
covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous blockhouse 
— so that this once peaceful island resembled a fierce little war- 
rior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to 
the world! 

For some time did I indulge in this pensive train of thought ; 
contrasting, in sober sadness, the present day with the hal- 
lowed years behind the mountains ; lamenting the melancholy 
progress of improvement, and praising the zeal with which our 
worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks of vener- 
able customs, preju<^ices, and errors, from the overwhelming 
tide of modern innovation— when by degrees my ideas took a 
different turn, and I insensiJoly o. wakened to an enjoyment of 
the beauties around me. 

It was on® of those rich autumnal days, which Heaven par- 
ticularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Manna-hata 
and its vicinity — not a floating cloud obscured the azure firma- 
ment—the sun, rolling in glorious splendour through his ethe- 
real course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch countenance 
into an unusual expression of benevolence, as he smiled his 



116 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK 

evening salutation upon a city which he dehghts to visit with 
his most bounteous beams— the very winds seemed to hold in 
their breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle the 
tranquillity of the hour — and the waveless bosom of the bay 
presented a polished mirror, in which Nature beheld herself 
and smiled. The standard of our city, reserved, like a choice 
handkerchief, for days of gala, hung motionless on the flag- 
staff, which forms the handle to a gigantic churn ; a.nd even 
the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased to 
vibrate to the breath of h*eaven. Every thing seemed to ac- 
quiesce in the profound repose of nature. The formidable 
eighteen-pounders slept in the embrasures of the wooden 
batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength to fight the bat- 
tles of their country on the next fourth of July — the soh- 
tary drum on Governor's Island forgot to call the garrison 
to their shovels — the evening gun had not yet sounded its 
signal for all the regular, well-meaning poultry throughout 
the country to go to roost; and the fleet of canoes, at an- 
chor between Gibbet Island and Communipaw, slumbered 
on their rakes, and suffered the innocent oystei'S to lie for a 
while umiiolested in the soft mud of their native bank !— My 
own feelings sympathized with the contagious tranquillity, 
and I should infallibly have dozed upon one of those fragments 
of benches, which our benevolent magistrates have provided 
for the benefit of convalescent loungers, had not the extraordi- 
nary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at defiance. 

In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my attention was 
attracted to a black speck, peering above the western horizon, 
just in the rear of Bergen steeple— gradually it augments, and 
overhangs the would-be cities of J crsey, Harsimus, and Hobo- 
ken, which, like three jockeys, are starting on the course of 
existence, and jostling each other at the commencement of the 
. race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spread- 
ing its wide shadows from the high settlements at Weehawk 
quite to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by the sagacity 
of our police for the embarrassment of commerce — now it 
climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolHng over cloud, 
shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vast expanse, and 
bearing thunder and hail and tempest in its bosom. The earth 
seems agitated at the confusion of the heavens — the late wave- 
less mirror is lashed into furious waves, that roll in hollow 
murmurs to the shore — the oyster-boats that erst sported in . 
the placid vicinity of Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. 117 

the land— the poplar writhes and twists and whistles in the 
blast— torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the 
Battery-walks— the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant- 
maids, and little Frenchmen, with pocket-handkerchiefs over 
their hats, scampering from the storm — the late beauteous 
prospect presents one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as 
though old Chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling back 
into one vast turmoil the conflicting elements of nature. 

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained 
boldly at my post, as our gallant train-band captains who 
march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, are 
points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. It is pos- 
sible he may be a Httle perplexed also to know the reason why 
I introduced this tremendous tempest to disturb the serenity of 
my work. On this latter point I will gratuitously instruct his 
ignorance. The panorama view of the Battery was given 
merely to gratify the reader with a correct description of that 
celebrated place, and the parts adjacent— secondly, the storm 
was played off partly to give a little bustle and Hfe to this tran- 
quil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers from 
falling asleep— and partly to serve as an overture to the tem- 
pestuous times that are about to assail the pacific province of 
Nieuw-Nederlandts — and that overhang the slumbrous admin- 
istration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the 
experienced playwright puts all the fiddles, the French horns, 
the kettledrums, and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, 
to usher in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars called 
melodramas — and it is thus he discharges his thunder, his 
lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, preparatory to the ^ rising of 
a ghost, or the murdering of a hero. — We will now proceed 
with our history. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the contrary, 
I am of opinion, that, as to nations, the old maxim, that "hon- 
esty is the best policy," is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It 
might have answered well enough in the honest times when it 
was made, but in these degenerate days, if a nation pretends 
to rely merely upon the justice of its dealings, it will fare some- 
thing like an honest man among thieves, who, unless he have 
something more than his honesty to depend upon, stands but 
a poor chance of profiting by his company. Such at least was 
the case with the guileless government of the New-Nether- 
lands ; which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly 
settled itself down into the city of New- Amsterdam, as into a 



118 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

snug elbow-chair— and fell into a comfortable nap— while, in 
the meantime, its cunning neighbours stepped in and picked 
its pockets. Thus may we ascribe the commencement of all 
the woes of this great province, and its magnificent metropolis, 
to the tranquil security, or, to speak more accurately, to the 
unfortunate honesty, of its government. But as I dislike to 
begin an important part of my history towards the end of a 
chapter; and as my readers, hke myself, must doubtless be 
exceedingly fatigued with the long walk we have taken, and 
the tempest we have sustained — I hold it meet we shut up the 
book, smoke a pipe, and having thus refreshed our spirits, take 
a fair start in the next chapter. 



CHAPTER VI. 

FAITHFULLY DESCRIBING THE INGENIOUS PEOPLE OF CONNECTICUT 
AND THEREABOUTS — SHOWING, MOREOVER, THE TRUE MEANING 
OF LIBERTY OF CONSCIENCE, AND A CURIOUS DEVICE AMONG 
THESE STURDY BARBARIANS, TO KEEP UP A HARMONY OF INTER- 
COURSE, AND PROMOTE POPULATION. 

That my readers may the more fully comprehend the extent 
of the calamity, at this very moment impending over the 
honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and its 
dubious gcJVernor, it is necessary that I should give some 
account of a horde of strange barbarians, bordering upon the 
eastern frontier. 

Now so it came to pass, that many years previous to the time 
of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of England had 
adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, 
oi* rather a religious turnpike, in which every loyal sul^ject 
was directed to travel to Zion — taking care to pay the toll- 
gatherers by the way. 

Albeit, a certain shrewd race of men, being very much given 
to indulge their own opinions, on all manner of subjects, (a 
propensity exceedingly offensive to your free governments of 
Europe,) did most presumptuously dare to think for them- 
selves in matters of religion, exercising what they considered a 
natural and unextinguishable right — the liberty of conscience. 

As, however, they possessed that ingenious habit of mind 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOllK. 119 

which always thinks aloud; which rides cock-a-hoop on the 
tongue, and is forever galloping into other people's ears, it 
naturally followed that their hberty of conscience likewise im- 
plied liberty of speech, which being freely indulged, soon put 
the country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious indignation of 
the vigilant fathers of the church. 

The usual methods ware adopted to reclaim them, that in 
those days were considered so efficacious in bringing back 
stray sheep to the fold ; that is to say, they were coaxed, they 
were admonished, they^were menaced, they were buffeted — 
line upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon lash, here a 
little and there a great deal, were exhausted without mercy, 
and without success ; until at length the worthy pastors of the 
church, wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were 
driven, in the excess of their tender mercy, to adopt the 
scripture text, and literally "heaped live embers on their 
heads." 

Nothing, however, could subdue that invincible spirit of 
independence which has ever distinguished this singular race 
of people, so that rather than submit to such horrible tyranny, 
they one and all embarked for the Wilderness of America, 
where they might enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable luxury 
of talking. No sooner did they land on this loquacious soil, 
than, as if they had caught the disease from the climate, they 
all lifted up their voices at once, and for the space of one whole 
year did keep up such a joyful clamour, that we are told they 
frightened every bird and beast out of the neighbourhood, and 
so completely dumbfounded certain fish, which abound on 
their coast, that they have been called dumb-fish ever since. 

From this simple circumstance, unimportant as it may seem, 
did first originate that renowned privilege so loudly boasted of 
throughout this country— which is so eloquently exercised, in 
newspapers, pamphlets, ward meetings, pot-house committees, 
and congressional deliberations — which established the right of 
talking without ideas and without information— of misrepre- 
senting public affairs— of decrying public measures— of aspers- 
ing great characters, and destoying little ones ; in short, that 
grand palladium of our country, the liberty of speech. 

The simple aborigines of the land for a while contemplated 
these strange folk in utter astonishment, but discovering that 
they wielded harmless though noisy weapons, and were a 
lively, ingenious, good-humoured race of men, they became 
very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name of Yano- 



120 -4 BISTORT OF NEWrORK. 

hies, which in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachiisett) language 
signifies silent men—B> waggish appellation, since shortened 
into the familiar epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto 
the present day. 

True it is, and my fidelity as a historian will not allow me to 
passit over in silence, that the zeal of these good people, to 
maintain their rights and privileges imimpaired, did for a 
while betray them into errors, wliich it is easier to pardon than 
defend. Having served a regular apprenticeship in the school 
of persecution, it behoved them to show that they had become 
proficients in the art. They accordingly employed their leisure 
hours in banishing, scourging, or hanging divers heretical Pa- 
pists, Quakers, an(i Anabaptists, for daring to abuse the liberty 
of conscience : which they now clearly proved to imply noth- 
ing more than that every man should think as he pleased in 
matters of reM^ion— provided he thought right ; for otherwise 
it would be giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now as 
they (the majority) were perfectly convinced that they alone 
thought right, it consequently followed, that whoever thought 
different from them thought wrong — and whoever thought 
wrong, and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and 
converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty of 
conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of the body 
politic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast into the fire. 

Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at once 
to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous indignation 
with which we always contemplate the faults and errors of our 
neighbours, and to exclaim at these well-meaning, but mistaken 
people, for inflicting on others the injuries they had suffered 
themselves— for indulging the preposterous idea of convincing 
the mind by tormenting the body, and estabhshing the doc- 
trine of charity and forbearance by intolerant persecution. 
But, in simple truth, what are we doing at this very day, and 
in this very enlightened nation, but acting upon the very same 
principle, in our political controversies? Have we not, within 
but a few years, released ourselves from the shackles of a gov- 
ernment which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing our- 
selves, and using in full latitude that invaluable member, the 
tongue? and are we not at this very moment striving our best 
to tyrannize over the opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the 
fortunes of one another? What are our great political societies, 
but mere political inquisitions— our pot-house committees, but 
little tribunals of denunciation — our newspapers, but mere 



A JITSTOET OF NEW-YOBK. 121 

wliipping-posts and pillories, where unfortunate individuals are 
pelted with rotten eggs — and our council of appointment, but 
ji grand auto da /e, where culprits are annually sacrificed for 
their political heresies? 

Where, then, is the difference in principle between our mea- 
sures and those you are so ready to condemn among the people 
I am treating of? There is none; the difference is merely cir- 
cumstantial. Thus we denounce, instead of banishing — we 
libel, instead of scourging — we turn out of office, instead of 
hanging— and where they burnt sxiO&en&Qv inpropria persona, 
we either tar and feather or hum him in effigy — this political 
persecution being, somehow or other, the grand palladium of 
our liberties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free 
country ! 

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy 
war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we 
do not find that the population of this new colony was in any 
wise hindered thereby ; on the contrary, they multiplied to a 
degree which would be incredible to any man unacquainted 
with the marvellous fecundity of this growing country. 

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed to a 
singular custom prevalent among them, commonly known by 
the name of bundling — a superstitious rite observed by the 
young people of both sexes, with which they usually termi- 
nated their festivities ; and which was kept up with religious 
strictness by the more bigoted and vulgar part of the commu- 
nity. This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, 
considered as an indispensable preliminary to matrimony ; 
their courtships commencing where ours usually finish— by 
which means they acquired that intimate acquaintance with 
each other's good qualities before marriage, which has been 
pronounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. 
Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people display a 
shrewdness at making a bargain, which has ever since distin- 
guished them— and a strict adherence to the good old vulgar 
maxim about "buying a pig in a poke." 

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute 
the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee tribe ; for 
it is a certain fact, well authenticated by court records 9Jid 
parish registers, that wherever the practice of bundling pre- 
vailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy brats annually 
born unto the State, without the license of the law, or the bene- 
fit of clergy. Neither did the irregularity of their birth oper- 



122 ^ BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

ate in the least to their disparagement. On the contrary, they 
grew up a long-sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whoreson 
whalers, wood-cutters, fishermen, and peddlers, and strapping 
cornf ed wenches ; who by their united efforts tended marvel- 
lously towards populating those notable tracts of country 
called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 



CHAPTER VII. 

HOW THESE SINGULAR BARBARIANS TURNED OUT TO BE NOTO- 
RIOUS SQUATTERS— HOW THEY BUILT AIR CASTLES, AND AT- 
TEMPTED TO INITIATE THE NEDERLANDERS IN THE MYSTERY 
OF BUNDLING. 

In the last chapter I have given a faithful and unpreju- 
diced account of the origin of that singular race of people, in- 
habiting the country eastward of the Nieuw-Nederlandts ; but 
I have yet to mention certain peculiar habits which rendered 
them exceedingly obnoxious to our ever-honoured Dutch an- 
cestors. 

The most prominent of these was a certain rambling pro- 
pensity, with which, like, the sons of Ishmael, they seem to 
have been gifted by Heaven, and which continually goads 
them on, to shift their residence from place to place, so that 
a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of migration ; tarrying 
occasionally here and there; clearing lands for other people 
to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, and in a man- 
ner may be considered the wandering Arab of America. 

His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, is to 
settle himself in the world — which means nothing more nor 
less than to begin his rambles. To this end he takes unto 
himself for a wife some buxom country heiress, passing rich 
in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs, 
with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply 
skilled in the mystery of making apple sweetmeats, long 
sauce, and pumpkin pie. 

Having thus provided himself, like a peddler, with a heavy 
knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders through the jour- 
ney of life, he literally sets out on the peregrination. His 
whole family, household furniture, and farming utensils, are 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 123 

hoisted into a covered cart; his own and his wife's wardrobe 
packed up in a firkin — which done, he shoulders his axe, takes 
staff in hand, whistles " Yankee Doodle," and trudges off to the 
woods, as confident of the protection of Providence, and rely- 
ing as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever a patri- 
arch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange country of the 
Gentiles. Having buried himself in the wilderness, he builds 
himself a log hut, clears away a corn-field and potato-patch, 
and, Providence smiling upon his labours, is soon surrounded 
by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen-headed ur- 
chins, who, by their size, seem to have sprung all at once out 
of the earth, hke a crop of toad-stools. 

But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of specu- 
latoi^ to rest contented with any state of sublunary enjoy- 
ment — improvement is his darling passion, and having thus 
improved his lands, the next care is to provide a mansion 
worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge palace of pine 
boards immediately springs up in the midst of the wilder- 
ness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished with 
windows of all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal, 
that every blast gives it a fit of the ague. 

By the time the outside of this mighty air castle is completed, 
either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer are exhausted, so 
that he barely manages to half finish one room within, where 
the whole family burrow together — while the rest of the house 
is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and 
potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful festoons of dried apples 
and peaches. The outside remaining unpainted, grows venera- 
bly black with time; the family wardrobe is laid under contri- 
bution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the 
broken windows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a 
whistling and howling about tliis aerial palace, and play as 
many unruly gambols, as they did of yore in the cave of old 
^olus. 

The humble log hut, whicli whilome nestled this improving 
family snugly witliin its narrow but comfortable walls, stands 
hard by, in ignominious contrast, degraded into a cow-house 
or pig-sty ; and the whole scene reminds one forcibly of a fable, 
which I am surprised has never been recorded, of an aspiring 
snail, who abandoned his humble habitation, which he had 
long filled with great respectability, to crawl into the empty 
shell of a lobster —where he would no doubt have resided 
with great style and splendour, the envy and hate of all the 



124 -4 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

pains-taking snails in his neighbourhood, had he not acciden- 
tally perished with cold, in one corner of his stupendous man- 
sion. 

Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own words, 
''to rights," one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy 
the comforts of his situation, to read newspapers, talk politics, 
neglect his own business, and attend to the affairs of the na- 
tion, like a useful and patriotic citizen ; but now it is that his 
wayward disposition begins again to operate. He soon grows 
tired of a spot where there is no longer any room for improve- 
ment — sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and all, re- 
loads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the head of 
his family, and wanders away in search of new lands — again 
to fell trees— again to clear corn-fields— again to build a shin- 
gle palace, and again to sell olf and wander. 

Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered upon the 
eastern frontier of Nieuw-Nederlandts ; and my readers may 
easily imagine what obnoxious neighbours this li^ht-hearted 
but restless tribe must have been to our tranquil progenitors. 
If they cannot, I would ask them, if they have ever known one 
of our regular, well-organized Dutch families, whom it hath 
pleased Heaven to afflict with the neighbourhood of a French 
boarding-house? The honest old burgher cannot take his after- 
noon's pipe on the bench before his door, but he is persecuted 
with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and the 
squalling of children— he cannot sleep at night for the horrible 
melodies of some amateur, who chooses to serenade the moon, 
and display his terrible proficiency in execution, on the clario- 
net, the haut-boy, or some other soft- toned instrument — nor 
can he leave the street-door open, but his house is defiled by 
the unsavoury visits of a troop of pug dogs, who even some- 
times carry their loathsome ravages into the sanctum sanc- 
torum, the parlour ! 

If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such 
a family, so situated, they may form some idea how our 
worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neigh- 
bours of Connecticut. 

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into the 
New-Netherland settlements, and threw whole villages into 
consternation by their unparalleled volubility, and their in- 
tolerable inquisitiveness— two evil habits hitherto unknown 
in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; for our ances- 
tors were noted as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK 125 

and who neither knew nor cared aught about any body's 
concerns but their own. Many enormities were committed 
on the highways, where several unoffending burghers were 
brought to a stand, and tortured with questions and guesses, 
which outrages occasioned as much vexation and heart- 
burning as does the modern right of search on the high seas. 

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their intermed- " 
dling and successes among the divine sex ; for being a race of 
brisk, likely, pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced the 
light affections of the simple damsels from their ponderous^ 
Dutch gallants. Among other hideous customs, they attempted 
to introduce among them that of bundling, which the Dutch 
lasses of the Nederlandts, with that eager passion for novelty 
and foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed very well in- 
clined to follow, but that their mothers, being more experienced 
in the world a.nd better acquainted with men and things, 
strenuously discountenanced all such outlandish innovations. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with 
these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty which they 
occasionally took of entering in hordes into the territories of 
the New-Netherlands, and setthng themselves down, without 
leave or hcense, to improve the land, in the manner I have be- 
fore noticed. This unceremonious mode of takingpossession of 
new land was technically termed squatting, and hence is 
derived the appellation of squatters ; a name odious in the ears 
of all great landholders, and which is given to those enterprising 
worthies who seize upon land first, and take their chance to 
make good their title to it afterwards. 

All these grievances, and many others which were constantly 
accumulating, tended to form that dark and portentous cloud, 
which, as I observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering 
over the tranquil province of New-Netherlands. The pacific 
cabinet of Van T wilier, however, as will be perceived in the 
sequel, bore them all with a magnanimity that redounds to 
their immortal credit — becoming by passive endurance inured 
to this increasing mass of wrongs ; Hke that mighty man of 
old, who by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was 
bom, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown 
to be an ox. 



126 ^ mSTOBT OF NEW-TORK. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

HOW THE FORT GOED HOOP WAS FEARFULLY BELEAGUERED- 
HOW THE RENOWNED WOUTER FELL INTO A PROPOUND DOUBT, 
AND HOW HE FINALLY EVAPORATED. 

By this time my readers must fully perceive what an arduous 
task I have undertaken — collecting and collating, with painful 
minuteness, the chronicles of past times, whose events almost 
defy the powers of research— exploring a little kind of Hercula- 
neum of history, which had lain nearly for ages buried under 
the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten — raking up 
the limbs and fragments of disjointed facts, and endeavouring 
to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to 
their original form and connexion— now lugging forth the 
character of an almost forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue 
—now deciphering a half -defaced inscription, and now lighting 
upon a mouldering manuscript, which, after painful study, 
scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 

In such case, how much has the reader to depend upon the 
honour and probity of his author, lest, Mke a cunning anti- 
quarian, he either impose upon him some spurious fabrication 
of his own, for a precious relic from antiquity— or else dress up 
the dismembered fragment with such false trappings, that it is 
scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from the fiction with 
which it is enveloped ! This is a grievance which I have more 
than once had to lament, in the course of my wearisome re- 
searches among the works of my fellow-historians, who have 
strangely disguised and distorted the facts respecting this 
country; and particularly respecting the great province of 
New-Netherlands ; as will be perceived by any who wiU take 
the trouble to compare their romantic effusions, tricked out in 
the meretricious gauds of fable, with this authentic history. 

I have had more vexations of this kind to encounter, in those 
parts of my history which treat of the transactions on the 
eastern border, than in any other, in consequence of the troops 
of historians who have infested those quarters, and have shown 
the honest people of Nieuw-Nederlandts no mercy in their 
works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly 
declares, that " the Dutch were always mere intruders." Now 
to this I shall make no other reply than to proceed in the 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 127 

steady narration of my history, which will contain not only 
proofs that the Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair 
valleys of the Connecticut, and that they 'were wrongfully dis- 
possessed thereof— but likewise, that they have been scandal- 
ously maltreated ever since by the misrepresentations of the 
crafty historians of New-England. And in this I shall be 
guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and a regard to 
immortal fame— for I would not wittingly dialionour my work 
by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, or prejudice, though 
it should gain our forefathers the whole country of New-Eng- 
land. 

It was at an early period of the province, and previous to the 
arrival of the renowned Wouter, that the cabinet of Nieuw- 
Nederlandts purchased the lands about the Connecticut, and 
established, for their superintendence and protection, a fortified 
post on the banks of the river, which was called Fort Goed 
Hoop, and was situated hard by the present fair city of Hart- 
ford. The command of this important post, together with the 
rank, title, and appointment of commissary, were given in 
charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or, as some historians 
will have it, Van Curlis— a most doughty soldier, of that 
stomachful class of which we have such numbers on parade 
days— who are famous for eating all they kill. He was of a 
very soldierhke appearance, and would have been an exceeding 
tall man had his legs been in proportion to his body ; but the 
latter being long, and the former uncommonly short, it gave 
him the uncouth appearance of a tall man's body mounted upon 
a little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit construction 
of body by throwing his legs to such an extent when he 
marched, that you would have sworn he had on the identical 
seven-league boots of the far-famed Jack the giant-killer ; and so 
astonishingly high did he tread, on any great military occasion, 
that his soldiers were ofttimes alarmed, lest he should trample 
himself underfoot. 

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the ap- 
pointment of this ugly little man of war as a commander, the 
intrepid Yankees continued those daring interlopings, which I 
have hinted at in my last chapter ; and taking advantage of 
the character which the cabinet of Wouter Van Twiller soon 
acquired, for profound and phlegmatic tranquillity— did auda- 
ciously invade the territories of the Nieuw-Ncderlandts, and 
squat themselves down within the very jurisdiction of Fort 
(xoed. Hoop, 



128 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TOBK. 

On beholding this outrage, the long-bodied Van Curlet pro- 
ceeded as became a prompt and valiant officer. He imme- 
diately protested against these unwarrantable encroachments, 
in Low Dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith 
despatched a copy of the protest to the governor at New- Amster- 
dam, together with a long and bitter account of the aggressions 
of the enemy. Tliis done, he ordered men, one and all, to be of 
good cheer — shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went 
to bed, and awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid 
tranquillity that greatly animatedliis adherents, and no doubt 
struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts of the enemy. 

Now it came to pass, that .about this time the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, and council 
dinners, had reached that period of life and faculty which, 
according to the great Gulhver, entitles a man to admission 
into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed his time 
in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an assembly of sages equally 
enlightened and nearly as venerable as himself, and who, for 
their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious 
averseness to coming to any conclusion in business, are only to 
be equalled by certain profound corporations which I have 
known in my time. Upon reading the protest of the gallant 
Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straightway 
into one of the deepest doubts that ever he Avas known to en- 
counter ; his capacious head gradually drooped on his chest, he 
closed his eyes, and inclined his ear to one side, as if listening 
with great attention to the discussion that was going on in his 
belly ; which all who knew him declared to be the huge court- 
house or council chamber of his thoughts ; forming to his head 
what the House of Eepresentatives do to the Senate. An in- 
articulate sound, very much resembling a snore, occasionally 
escaped him— but the nature of this internal cogitation was 
never known, as he never opened his lips on the subject to 
man, woman, or child. In the meantime, the protest of Van 
Curlet lay quietly on the table, where it served to light the 
pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council ; and in the 
great smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus, his pro- 
test, and his mighty Fort Goed Hoop, were soon as completely 
beclouded and forgotten as is a question of emergency swal- 
lowed up in the speeches and resolution of a modern session of 
Congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your profound legisla- 
tors and sage deliberative councils are mightily in the way of a 



A BISTORT OF NJBW-YORK. 129 

nation ; and when an ounce of hare-brained decision is worth a 
pound of sage doubt and cautious discussion. Such, at least, 
was the case at present ; for while the renowned Wouter Van 
Twiller was daily battling with his doubts, and his resolution 
growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed 
farther and farther into his territories, and a;ssumed a most 
formidable appearance in the neighbourhood of Fort Goed 
Hoop. Here they founded the mighty town of Piquag, or, as 
it has since been called, Weafhersfield, a place which, if we 
may credit the assertion of that worthy historian, John Josse- 
lyn, Gent., "hath been infamous by reason of the witches 
therein." And so daring did these men of Piquag become, that 
they extended those plantations of onions, for which their 
town is illustrious, under the very noses of the garrison of 
Fort Goed Hoop — insomuch that the honest Dutchmen could 
not look toward that quarter without tears in their eyes. 

This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation 
by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely trembled 
with the amazing violence of his choler, and the exacerbations 
of his valour ; which seemed to be the more turbulent in their 
workings, from the length of the body in which they were 
agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his redoubts, 
heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and fortify his 
position with a double row of abattis ; after which valiant pre- 
cautions, he despatched a fresh courier with tremendous 
accounts of his perilous situation. 

The courier chosen to bear these alarming despatches was a 
fat, oily little man, as being least liable to be worn out, or to 
lose leather on the journey ; and to insure his speed, he was 
mounted on the fleetest wagon-horse in the garrison, remark- 
able for his length of hmb, largeness of bone, and hardness of 
trot; and so tall, that the little messenger was obliged to climb 
• on his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such extraordi- 
nary speed did he make, that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam 
in little less than a month, though the distance was full two 
hundred pipes, or about a hundred and tv/enty miles. 

The extraordinary appearance of this portentous stranger 
would have thrown the whole town of New- Amsterdam into a 
quandary, had the good people troubled themselves about any 
thing more than their domestic affairs. With an appearance 
of great hurry and business, and smoking a short travelling 
pipe, he proceeded on a long swing trot through the muddy 
lanes of the metropoUs, demolishing whole batches of dirt pies, 



130 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-YORK. 

which the Uttle Dutch children were making in the road ; and 
for which kind of pastry the children of this city have ever 
been famous. On arriving at the governor's house, he climbed 
down from his steed in great trepidation; roused the gray- 
headed door-keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant 
and faithful representative, the venerable crier of our court, 
was nodding at his post— rattled at the door of the council 
chamber, and startled the members as they were dozing over a 
plan for establishing a pubUc market. 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep-drawn 
snore, was heard from the chair of the governor ; a whiff of 
smoke was at the same instant observed to escape from his 
lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the bowl of his pipe. 
The council of course supposed him engaged in deep sleep for 
the good of the community, and, according to custom in all 
such cases established, every man bawled out silence, in order 
to maintain tranquillity; when, of a sudden, the door flew 
open, and the little courier straddled into the apartment, cased 
to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into 
for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he held forth the 
ominous despatches, and with his left he grasped firmly the 
waistband of his galligaskins, which had unfortunately given 
way, in the exertion of descending from his horse. He 
stumped resolutely up to the governor, and with more hurry 
than perspicuity, dehvered his message. But fortunately his 
ill tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity of this most 
tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency had just breathed 
and smoked his last — his lungs and his pipe having been ex- 
hausted together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in the 
last whiff that curled from his tobacco-pipe. In a word, the 
renowned Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered 
mth his contemporaries, now slept with liis fathers, and Wil- 
helmus Kieft governed in his stead. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 131 



BOOK IV.. 

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF 
WILLI A AI THE TESTY. 



CHAPTER I. 



SHOWING THE NATURE OF HISTORY IN GENERAL; CONTAINING 
FURTHERMORE THE UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS OF AVILLIAM 
THE TESTY, AND HOW A MAN MAY LEARN SO MUCH AS TO 
RENDER HIMSELF GOOD FOR NOTHING. 

When the lofty Thucydides is about to enter upon his de- 
scription of the plague that desolated Athens, one of his mod- 
ern commentators assures the reader, that the history is now 
going to be exceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic ; and lunts, 
with that air of chuckling gratulation with which a good dame 
draws forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to regale a 
favourite, that this plague will give his history a most agree- 
able variety. 

In like manner did my heart leap within me, when I came 
to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, which I at once 
perceived to be the forerunner of a series of great events and 
entertaining disasters. Such are the true subjects for the his- 
toric pen. For what is history, in fact, but a kind of Newgate 
calendar, a register of the crimes and miseries that man has 
inflicted on his felloY\^-man? It is a huge libel on human na- 
ture, to which we industriously add page after page, volume 
after volume, as if we w^ere building up a monument to the 
honour, rather than the infamy of our species. If we turn 
over the pages of these chronicles that man has written of him- 
self, what are the characters dignified by the appellation of 
great, and held up to the admiration of posterity? Tyrants, 
robbers, conquerors, renowned only for the magnitude of their 
misdeeds, and the stupendous wrongs and miseries they have 
inflicted on mankind — warriors, who have hired themselves to 



13^ A msTont OF NEW-YORK. 

tho trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous patriotism, oi* 
to protect the injured and defenceless, but merely to gain the 
vaunted glory of being adroit and successful in massacring 
their fellow-beings ! What are the great events that consti- 
tute a glorious era? — The fall of empires — the desolation of 
happy countries — splendid cities smoking in their ruins— the 
proudest works of art tumbled in the dust — the shrieks and 
groans of whole nations ascending unto heaven ! 

It is thus that historians may be said to thrive on the mise- 
ries of mankind, like birds of prey that hover over the field 
of battle, to fatten on the mighty dead. It was observed by a 
great projector of inland lock-navigation, that rivers, lakes, 
and oceans were only formed to feed canals. In like manner 
I am tempted to believe that plots, conspiracies, wars, victo- 
ries, and massacres are ordained by Providence only as food 
for the historian. 

It is a source of great delight to the philosopher in studying 
the wonde«-ful economy of nature, to trace the mutual depen- 
dencies of things, how they are created reciprocally for each 
other and how the most noxious and apparently unnecessary 
animal has its uses. Thus those swarms of flies, which are so 
often execrated as useless vermin, are^ created for the suste- 
nance of spiders—and spiders, on the other hand, are evidently 
made to devour flies. So those heroes who have been such 
scourges to the world were bounteously provided as themes for 
the poet and the historian, while the poet and the historian 
were destined to record the achievements of heroes ! 

These, and many similar reflections, naturally arose in my 
mind, as I took up my pen to commence the reign of William 
Kieft : for now the stream of our history, which hitherto has 
rolled in a tranquil current, is about to depart for ever from its 
peaceful haunts, and brawl through many a turbulent and 
rugged scene. Like some sleek ox, which, having fed and fat- 
tened in a rich clover-field, lies sunk in luxurious repose, and 
will bear repeated taunts and blows, before it heaves its un- 
wieldy limbs and clumsily arouses from its slumbers ; so the 
province of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, having long thrived and 
grown corpulent, under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, 
was reluctantly awakened to a melancholy conviction, that, 
by patient sufi'erance, its grievances had become so numerous 
and aggravating, that it was preferable to repel than endure 
them. The reader will now witness the manner in which a 
peaceful community advances towards a state of war; which it 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK I33 

is too apt to approach, as a horse does a drum, with much 
prancing and parade, but with httle progress— and too often 
with the wrong end foremost. 

WiLHELMUS KiEFT, who, in 1634, ascended the gubernatorial 
chair, (to borrow a favourite, though chimsy appellation of 
modern phraseologists,) was in form feature, and character, 
the very reverse of Wouter Van Twiller, his renowned pre- 
decessor. He was of very respectable descent, his father 
being Inspector of Windmills in the ancient town of Saardam; 
and our hero, we are told, made very curious investigations 
into the nature and operations of those machines when a boy, 
which is one reason why he afterwards came to be so ingeni- 
ous a governor. His name, according to the most ingenious 
etymologists, was a corruption of Kyver, that is to say, wrang- 
ler or scolder, and expressed the hereditary disposition of his 
family ; which for nearly two centuries had kept the windy 
town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more tartars and 
brimstones than any ten families in the place — and so truly 
did Wilhelmus Kieft inherit this family endowment, that he 
had scarcely been a year in the discharge of his government, 
before he was universally known by the appellation of Wil- 
liam THE Testy. 

He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had dried 
and withered away, partly through the natural process of 
years, and partly from being parched and burnt up by his 
fiery soul; which blazed like a vehement rushlight in his 
bosom, constantly inciting him to most valorous broils, alter- 
cations, and misadventures. I have heard it observed by a 
profound and philosophical judge of human nature, that if a 
woman waxes fat as she grows old, the tenure of her life is 
very precarious, but if haply she withers, she lives for ever- 
such likewise was the case with William the Testy, who grew 
tougher in proportion as he dried. He was some such a Httle 
Dutchman as we may now and then see stumping briskly 
about the streets of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with huge 
buttons, and old-fashioned cocked-hat stuck on the back of 
his head, and a cane as high as his chin. His visage was 
broad, and his features sharp, his nose turned up with the 
most petulant curl ; his cheeks were scorched into a dusky red 
— doubtless in consequence of the neighbourhood of two fierce 
little gray eyes, through which his torrid soul beamed with 
tropical fervour. The corners of his mouth were curiously 
piO(iellecl into a kmd of fretwork, not a little resembling the 



134 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

wrinkled proboscis of an irritable pug dog — in a word, he was 
one of the most positive, restless, ugly little men that ever put 
himself in a passion about nothing. 

Such were the personal endowments of William the Testy ; 
but it was the sterling riches of his mind that raised him to 
dignity and power. In his youth he had passed with great 
credit through a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for 
producing finished scholars with a despatch unequalled, ex- 
cept by certain of our American colleges. Here he skirmished 
very smartly on the frontiers of several of the sciences, and 
made so gallant an inroad in the dead languages, as to bring 
off captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together 
with divers pithy saws and apophthegms, all which he con- 
stantly paraded in conversation and writing, with as much 
vain-glory as woidd a triumphant general of yore display the 
spoils of the countries he had ravaged. He had, moreover, 
puzzled himself considerably with logic, in which he had ad- 
vanced so far as to attain a very familiar acquaintance, by 
name at least, with the whole family of syllogisms and dilem- 
mas ; but what he chiefly valued himself on, was his know- 
ledge of metaphysics in which, having once upon a time ven- 
tured too deeply, he came well-nigh being smothered in a 
slough of unintelligible learning— a fearful peril, from the 
effects of which he never perfectly recovered. This, I must 
confess, was in some measure a misfortune; for he never 
engaged in argument, of which he was exceeding fond, but 
what, between logical deductions and metaphysical jargon, 
he soon involved himself and his subject in a fog of contra- 
dictions and perplexities, and then would get into a mighty 
passion with his adversary for not being convinced gratis. 

It is in knowledge as in swimming: he who ostentatiously 
sports and floimdei^ on the surface, makes more noise and 
splashing, and attracts more attention, than the industrious 
pearl-diver, who plunges in search of treasures to the bottom. 
The "universal acquirements" of William Kieft were the sub- 
ject of great marvel and admiration among his countrymen- 
he figured about at the Hague with as much vain-glory as does 
a i^rofound Bonze at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters 
of the Chinese alphabet; and, in a word, was unanimously 
pronounced an universal genius!— 1 have known many univer- 
sal geniuses in my time, though, to speak my mind freely, I 
never knew one, who, for the ordinary purposes of life, was 
worth his weight in straw— but, for the purposes of govern- 



A HISTORY OF J^EW-TORE. I35 

ment, a little sound judgment, and plain common sense, is 
worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote poetry, or in- 
vented theories. 

Strange as it may sound, therefore, the universal acquire- 
ments of the illustrious Wilhehnus were very much in his way ; 
and had he been a less learned man, it is possible he would 
have been a much greater governor. He was exceedingly fond 
of trying philosophical and political experiments ; and having 
stuffed his head full of scraps and remnants of ancient repub- 
hcs, and oligarchies, and aristocracies, and monarchies and 
the laws of Solon, and Lycurgus, and Charondas, and the im- 
aginary commonwealth of Plato, and the Pandects of Justinian, 
and a thousand other fragments of venerable antiquity, he was 
for ever bent upon introducing some one or other of them into 
use ; so that between one contradictory measure and another 
he entangled the government of the little province of Nieuw- 
Nederlandts in more knots, during his administration, than 
half-a-dozen successors could have untied. 

No sooner had this bustling little man been blown by a whiff 
of fortune into the seat of government, than he called together 
his council, and delivered a very animated speech on the affairs 
of the province. As every body knows what a glorious oppor- 
tunity a governor, a president, or even an emperor, has, of 
drubbing his enemies in his speeches, messages, and bulletins 
where he has the talk all on his own side, they may be sure 
the high-mettled William Kieft did not suffer so favourable an 
occasion to escape him, of evincing that gallantry of tongue 
common to all able legislators. Before he commenced, it is re- 
corded that he took out his pocket-handkerchief, and gave a 
very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the usual custom 
of great orators. This, in general, I beheve, is intended as a 
signal trumpet, to call ^he attention of the auditors, but with 
William the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he had 
read of the singular expedient of that famous demagogue, 
Gains Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Roman popu- 
lace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or pitchpipe. 

This preparatory symphony being performed, he commenced 
by expressing an humble sense of his own want of talents— his 
utter un worthiness of the honour conferred upon him, and his 
humiliating incapacity to discharge the important duties of his 
new station— in short, he expressed so contemptible an opinion 
of himself, that many simple country members present, igno- 
rant that these were mere words of course, always u^'ed on 



136 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt wroth that he 
should accept an office, for which he was consciously so inade- 
quate. 

He then proceeded in a manner highly classic and profoundly 
erudite, though nothing at all to the purpose, heing nothing 
more than a pompous account of all the governments of ancient 
Greece, and the wars of Eome and Carthage, together with the 
rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, ahout which the 
assembly knew no more than their great-grandchildren yet 
unborn. Thus having, after the manner of your learned ora- 
tors, convinced the audience that he was a man of many words 
and great erudition, he at length came to the less important 
part of his speech, the situation of the province — and here he 
soon worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yankees, 
whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the 
Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains of Europe— 
nor did he forget to mention, in terms of adequate opprobrium, 
the insolence with which they had encroached upon the terri- 
tories of New-Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with 
which they had commenced the town of New-Plymouth, and 
planted the onion-patches of Weathersfield, under the very 
walls of Fort Goed Hoop. 

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror to a climax, 
he assumed a self-satisfied look, and declared, with a nod of 
knowing import, that he had taken measures to put a final stop 
to these encroachments — that he had been obliged to have re- 
course to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately invented, awful 
in its effects, but authorized by direful necessity. In a word, 
he was resolved to conquer the Yankees— by proclamation ! 

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instrument 
of the kind, ordering, commanding, and enjoining the intruders 
aforesaid, forthwith to remove, depart, and withdraw from the 
districts, regions, and territories aforesaid, under pain of suffer- 
ing all the penalties, forfeitures, and punishments in such case 
made and provided. This proclamation, he assured them, would 
at once exterminate the enemy from the face of the country, 
and he pledged his valour as a governor, that within two 
months after it was published, not one stone should remain on 
another in any of the towns which they had built. 

The council remained for some time silent after he had fin- 
ished; whether struck dumb with admiration at the bril- 
liancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of his ha- 
rangue, the history of the times does not mention. Suffice 



A HISTORY OF NBW-YOBK 137 

it to say, they at length gave a universal grunt of acquiescence 
—the proclamation was immediately despatched with due cere- 
mony, having the great seal of the province, which was about 
the size of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red 
riband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his indignation, 
felt greatly relieved -adjourned the council — put on his cocked 
hat and corduroy small-clothes, and mounting a tall, raw-boned 
charger, trotted out to his country-seat, which was situated in 
a sweet, sequestered swamp, now called Dutch-street, but more 
commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery. 

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of legis- 
lation, taking lessons in government, not from the nymph 
Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom ; who was one 
of that pecuHar kind of females, sent upon earth a Httle after 
the flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind, and com- 
monly known by the appellation of knowing luomen. In fact, 
my duty as a historian obliges me to make known a circum- 
stance which was a great secret at the time, and consequently 
was not a subject of scandal at more than half the tea-tables in 
New- Amsterdam, but which, like m.any other great secrets, has 
leaked out in the lapse of years— and this was thajfc the great 
Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of the most potent little men 
that ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a species of gov- 
ernment, neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it 
partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is 
familiarly denominated petticoat government. An absolute 
sway, which, though exceedingly common in these modern 
days, was very rare among the ancients, if we may judge from 
the rout made about the domestic economy of honest Socrates ; 
which is the only ancient case on record. 

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and sar» 
casms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to joke 
with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging that it was a 
government of his own election, to which he submitted through 
choice ; adding at the same time a profound maxim which he 
had found in an ancient author, that "he who would aspire to 
govern^ should first learn to obey,'''' 



138 A BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 



CHAPTER II. 

IN WHICH ARE RECORDED THE SAGE PROJECTS OF A RULER OF 
UNIVERSAL GENIUS— THE ART OF FIGHTING BY PROCLAMATION- 
AMD HOW THAT THE VALIANT JACOBUS VAN CURLET CAME TO BE 
FOULLY DISHONOURED AT FORT GOED HOOP. 

Never was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious, or, 
what is still better, a miore economical measure devised, than 
this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation — an expedient, 
likewise, so humane, so gentle and pacific, there were ten 
chances to one in favour of its succeeding, — ^but then there was 
one chance to ten that it would not succeed — as the ill-natured 
fates would have it, that single chance carried the day ! The 
proclamation was perfect in all its parts, well constructed, well 
written, well sealed, and well published — all that was wanting 
to insure its effect was that the Yankees should stand in awe 
of it ; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the most 
absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose, and thus 
did the first warlike proclamation come to a shameful end — a 
fate which I am credibly informed has befallen but too many 
of its successors. 

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Eieft could be per- 
suaded, by the united efforts of all his counsellors, that his 
war measures had failed in producing any effect. On the con- 
trary, he flew in a passion whenever any one dared to ques- 
tion its efficacy ; and swore that, though it was slow in operat- 
ing, yet when once it began to work, it would soon purge the 
land of these rapacious intruders. Time, however, that test of 
all experiments, both in philosophy and politics, at length con- 
vinced the great Kief t that his proclamation was abortive ; and 
that notwithstanding he had waited nearly four years in a state 
of constant irritation, yet he was still farther off than ever 
from the object of his wishes. His implacable adversaries in 
the east became more and more troublesome in their encroach- 
ments, and founded the thriving colony of Hartford close upon 
the skirts of Fort Good Hoop. They, moreover, commenced 
the fair settlement of New-Haven (otherwise called the Red 
Hills) within the domains of their High Mightinesses— while 
the onion -patches of Piquag were a continual eyesore to the 
garrison of Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the in- 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. ISO 

efficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, hke many a worthy 
practitioner of physic, laid the blame not to the medicine, but 
to the quantity administered, and* resolutely resolved to double 
' the dose. 

In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth year of his 
reign, he fulminated against them a second proclamation, of 
heavier metal than the former ; wi'itten in thundering long sen- 
tences, not one word of which was under five syllables. This, 
in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbidding and pro- 
hibiting all commerce and connexion between any and every 
of the said Yankee intruders, and the said fortified post of 
Fort Goed Hoop, and ordering, commanding, and advising all 
his trusty, loyal, and well-beloved subjects to furnish them 
with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, or sourkrout; to buy 
none of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple-brandy, Yankee 
rum, cider-water, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, tin- 
ware, or wooden bowls, but to starve and exterminate them 
from the face of the land. 

Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, during which this 
proclamation received the same attention and experienced the 
same fate as the first. In truth, it was rendered of no avail by 
the heroic spirit of the Nederlanders themselves. No sooner 
were they prohibited the use of Yankee merchandise, than 
it immediately became indispensable to their very existence. 
The men who all their lives had been content to drink gin 
and ride Esopus switch-tails, now swore that it was* sheer 
tyranny to deprive them of apple-brandy and Narraghanset 
pacers ; and as to the women, they declared there was no com- 
fort in life without Weathersfield onions, tin kettles, and 
wooden bowls. So they all set to work, with might and main, 
to carry on a smuggling trade over the borders ; and the pro- 
vince was as fuU as ever of Yankee wares,— with this differ- 
ence, that those who used them had to pay double price, for 
the trouble and risk incurred in breaking the laws, 

A signal benefit arose from these measures of William the 
Testy. The efforts to evade them had a marvellous effect in 
sharpening the intellecfs of the people. They were no longer 
to be governed without laws, as in the time of Oloffe the 
Dreamer ; nor would the jack-knife and tobacco-box of Walter 
the Doubter have any more served as a judicial process. The 
old Nederlandt maxim, that " honesty is the best policy," was 
scouted as the bane of all ingenious enterprise. To use a mod- 
ern phrase, "a great impulse had been given to the public 



140 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

mind ;" and from the time of this first experience in smuggling, 
we may perceive a vast increase in the number, intricacy, and 
severity of laws and statut<5s— a sure proof of the increasing 
keenness of pubhc intellect. 

A twelvemonth having elapsed since the issuing of the pro- 
clamation, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet despatched his an- 
nual messenger, with his customary budget of complaints and 
entreaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, interven- 
ing between the arrival of Van Gurlet's couriers, was occa- 
sioned by the systematic regularity of his movements, or by 
the immense distance at which he was stationed from the seat 
of government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some have ascribed 
it to the slowness of his messengers, who, as I have before 
noticed, were chosen from the shortest and fattest of his garri- 
son, as least likely to be worn out on the road ; and who, being 
pursy, short-winded httle men, generally travelled fifteen miles 
a day, and then laid "by a whole week to rest. All these, how- 
ever, are matters of conjecture; and I rather think it may be 
ascribed to the uimiemorial maxim of this worthy coimtry — 
and which has ever influenced all its public ti^ansactions — not 
to do things in a hurry. 

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, in his despatches, respect- 
fully represented that several years had now elapsed since his 
first application to his late excellency, Wouter Van TwiUer ; 
during which interval his garrison had been reduced nearly 
one-eighth, by the death of two of liis most valiant and corpu- 
lent soldiers, who had accidentally over- eaten themselves on 
some fat salmon, caught in the Varsche river. He further 
stated, that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no 
notice of the fort or its inhabitants : but squatting themselves 
down, and forming settlements all around it ; so that, in a ht- 
tle while, he should find himself inclosed and blockaded by 
the enemy, and totally at their mercy. 

But among the most atrocious of his grievances, I find the 
following still on record, which may serve to show the bloody- 
minded outrages of these savage intruders. "In the mean- 
time, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in 
the lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and against 
the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing 
theire own purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed 
them with corne in the night, which the Netherlanders had 
broken up and intended to sowe : and have beaten the servants 
of the liigh and mighty the honored companie, which were 



A HISTOBY OF NEW-TOBK. 141 

labouring upon theire master's lands, from thelre lands, with 
sticks and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and among 
the rest, struck Ever Duckings* a hole in his head, with a 
stick, so that the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon 
his body." 

But what is still more atrocious — 

" Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the hon- 
ored companie, under pretence that it had eaten of theire 
grounde grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. 
They proffered the hogg for 5s. if the commissioners would 
have given 5s. for damage ; which the commissioners denied, 
because noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) can trespass 
upon liis owne master's grounde. "f 

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence incensed the 
whole community — there was something in it that spoke to 
the dull comprehension, and touched the obtuse feelings, even 
of the puissant vulgar, "who generally require a kick in the 
rear to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have known my 
profound fellow-citizens bear, vfithout murmur, a thousand 
essential infringements of their rights, merely because they 
were not iramediateiy obvious to their senses — ^but the mo- 
ment the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, the whole 
body pohtic was in a ferment — so the enhghtened Neder- 
landers, though they had treated the encroachments of their 
eastern neighbours with but little regard, and left their quill- 
valiant governor to bear the whole brunt of war with his 
single pen — yet now every individual felt his head broken 
in the hi'oken head of Duckings — and the unhappy fate of their 
fellow-citizen, the hog being impressed, carried and sold into 
captivity, awakened a grunt of sympathy from every bosom. 

The governor and council, goaded by the clptmours of the 
multitude, now set themselves earnestly to deliberate upon 
what was to be done. — Proclamations had at length fallen into 
temx)orary disrepute : some were for sending the Yankees a tri- 
bute, as we make peace-offering to the petty Barbary powers, 
or as the Indians sacrifice to the devil ; others were for buy- 
ing them out, but this was opposed, as it would be acknow- 
ledging their title to the land they had seized. A variety of 



* This name is no doubt misspelt. In some old Dutch MSS. of the time, we find 
the name of Evert Duyckingh, who is unquestionably the unfortunate Uero above 
alluded to. , » 

t Ha^. Col. State Papers, * 



142 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

measures were, as usual. in such cases, produc'^d discu ied, 
and abandoned, and the council had at last to adopt the 
means, which being the most common and obv'ous, had teen 
knomngly overlooked— for your amazing acute pohticians are 
for ever looking through telescopes, which only er-^blc them 
to see such objects as are far off, and unattainable, but which 
incapacitate them to see such things as are in their reach, and 
obvious to aU simple folks, who are content to look with the 
naked eyes Heaven has given them. The profound council, as 
I have said, in the pursuit after Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally 
stumbled on the very measure tliey were in need of : which 
was to raise a body of troops, and despatch them to the relief 
and reenforcement of the garrison. This measure was carried 
into such prompt operation, that in less than twelve months, 
the whole expedition, consisting of a sergeant and twelve men, 
was ready to march; and was reviewed for that purpose, in 
the public square, now known by the name of the Bowling- 
Green. Just at tliis juncture, the whole community was 
thrown into consternation, by the sudden arrival of the gal- 
lant Jacobus Van Curlet, who came straggling into town at 
the head of his crew of tatterdemalions, and bringing the 
melancholy tidings of his own defeat, and the capture of the 
redoubtable post of Fort Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees. 

The fate of this important fortress is an impressive warning 
to all military commanders. It was neither carried by storm 
nor famine ; no practicable breach was effected by cannon or 
mines; no magazines were blown up by red-hot shot, nor 
were the barracks demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by 
the bursting of bombshells. In fact, the place was taken by a 
stratagem no less singular than effectual; and one that can 
never fail of success, whenever an opportunity occurs of put- 
ting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the credit of our 
illustrious ancestors, that it was a stratagem, which though it 
impeached the vigilance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid 
Van Curlet and his garrison perfectly free from reproach. 

It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of the 
regular habits of the garrison, watched a favourable oppor- 
tunity, and silently introduced themselves into the fort, about 
the middle of a sultry day ; when its vigilant defenders, having 
gorged themselves with a hearty dimier, and smoked out their 
pipes, were one and all snoring most obstreperously at their 
posts, little dreaming of so disastrous an occurrence. The 
enemy most inhumanly seiged Jacobus Van Curlet and his 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBR. . 143 

sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gallanted them to 
the gate of the fort, and dismissed them severally, with a kick 
on the crupper, as Charles the Twelfth dismissed the heavy- 
bottomed Russians, after the battle of Narva — only taking care 
to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal mark of distinc- 
tion. 

A strong garrison was immediately estabhshed in the fort, 
consisting of twenty long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees, with 
Weathersfield onions stuck in their hats by way of cockades 
and feathers — long rusty fowling-pieces for muskets — ^hasty- 
pudding, dumb-fish, pork and molasses, for stores ; and a huge 
pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a pole, as a standard — 
liberty caps not having yet come into fashion. 



CHAPTER in. 

CONTAINING THE FEARFUL WRATH OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND 
THE GREAT DOLOUR OF THE NEW-AMSTERDAMERS, BECAUSE OP 
THE AFFAIR OP FORT GOED HOOP — ^AND, MOREOVER, HOW WIL- 
LIAM THE TESTY DID STRONGLY FORTIFY THE CITY — TOGE^THER 
WITH THE EXPLOITS OP STOPFEL BRINKERHOFF. 

Language cannot express the prodigious fury into which the 
testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown by this provoking intelh- 
gence. For three good hours the rage of the little man was 
too great for words, or rather the words were too great for 
him ; and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, mis- 
shapen, nine-cornered Dutch oaths, that crowded all at once 
into his g-ullet. Having blazed off the first broadside, he kept 
up a constant firing for three whole days— anathematizing 
the Yankees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for a set 
of dieven, schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen- 
schalken, blaes-kaken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other 
names, of which, unfortunately for posterity, history does not 
make mention. Finally, he swore that he would have nothing 
more to do with such a squatting, bundlmg, guessing, ques- 
tioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing, shmgle- 
sphtting, cider- watering, horse-jockey mg, notion-peddhng 
crew— that they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before 
Jie would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them away; 



144 ^ HiSTOBT OF NEW- Y on a: 

in proof of which, he ordered the new-raised troops to be 
marched forthwith into winter-quarters, although it was not 
as yet quite mid-'Summer. Governor Kieft faithfully kept his 
word, and his adversaries as faithfully kept their post ; and 
thus the glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay valleys 
through wliich it rolls, together with the salmon, shad, and 
other fish within its waters, fell into the hands of the victo- 
rious Yankees, by whom they are held at this very day. 

Great despondency seized upon the city of New Amsterdam, 
in consequence of these melancholy events. The name of Yan- 
kee became as terrible among our good ancestors as was that 
of Gaul among the ancient Romans; and all the sage old 
women of the province used it as a bugbear, wherewith to 
frighten their unruly children into obedience. 

The eyes of all the province were now turned upon their go- 
vernor, to know what he would do for the protection of the 
common weal, in these days of darkness and peril. Great 
apprehensions prevailed among the reflecting part of the com- 
munity, especially the old women, that these terrible warriors 
of Connecticut, not content with the conquest of Fort Goed 
Hoop, would incontinently march on to New- Amsterdam and 
take it by storm — and as these old ladies, through means of the 
governor's spouse, who, as has been already hinted, was " the 
better horse," had obtained considerable influence in public 
affairs, keeping the province under a kind of petticoat govern- 
ment, it was determined that measures should be taken for the 
effective fortification of the city. 

Now it happened, that at this time there sojourned in New- 
Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear,* a jolly fat Dutch 
trumpeter, of a pleasant burly visage, famous for his long wind 
and his huge whiskers, and who, as the story goes, could twang 
so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an effect upon 
all within hearing, as though ten thousand bag-pipes were sing- 
ing right lustily i' the nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick 
out as the man of all the world most fitted to be the champion (ji 
New- Amsterdam, and to garrison its fort ; making little doubt 
but that his instrument would be as effectual and offensive in 
war as was that of the paladin Astolpho, or the more classic 



* David Pietrez De Vries, in his " Reyze naer Nieuw-Nederlant onder het year 
1G40," makes mention of one Corlear, a trumpeter in Fort Amsterdam, who gave 
name to Corlear' s Hook, and who was doubtless this same champion described 
by Mr. Knickerbocker.— Editor. 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 145 

horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to have 
seen the governor snapping his fingers and fidgeting with de- 
light, while his sturdy trumpeter strutted up and down the 
ramparts, fearlessly twanging his ^trumpet in the face of the 
whole world, like a thrice-valorous editor daringly insulting all 
the principahties and powers— on the other side of the Atlantic. 

Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning the fort, 
but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength, by furnish- 
ing it with a formidable battery of quaker guns — rearing a stu- 
pendous flag-staff in the centre, which overtopped the whole 
city — and, moreover, by building a great windmill on one of the 
bastions.* This last, to be sure, was some^vhat of a novelty in 
the art of fortification, but, as I have already observed, William 
Kief t was notorious for innovations and experiments ; and tra- 
ditions do affirm, that he was much given to mechanical inven- 
tions—constructing patent smoke-jacks— carts that went before 
the horses, and especially erecting windmills, for which ma- 
chines he had acquired a singular predilection in his native 
town of Saardam. 

All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were cried 
up with ecstasy by his adherents, as proofs of his universal 
genius— but there were not wanting ill-natured grumblers, who 
railed at him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, ^and 
devoting that time to smoke-jacks and windmills which should 
have been occupied in the more important concerns of the pro- 
vince. Nay, they even went so far as to hint, once or twice, 
that his head was turned by his experiments, and that he 
really thought to manage his government as he did his mills — 
by mere wind ! — such are the illiberality and slander to which 
enlightened rulers are ever subject. 

Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of^ William the 
Testy, to place the city in a posture of defence, the inhabitants 
continued in great alarm and despondency. But fortune, who 
seems alwaj^s careful, in the very nick of time, to throw a bone 
for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling eff may be kept 
ahve, did about this time crown the arms of the province with 
success in another quarter, and thus cheered the drooping 
hearts of the forlorn Nederlanders ; otherwise, there is no 
knowing to what lengths they might have gone in the excess 



* De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east bastion; and it is 
likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staflf, in Justus Banker's View of New- 
Amsterdam. 



146 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

of their sorrowing — '*for grief," says the profound historian 
of the seven champions of Christendom, "is companion with 
despair, and despair a procurer of infamous death !" 

Among the numerous inroads of the mosstroopers of Con- 
necticut, which for some time past had occasioned such great 
tribulation, I should particularly have mentioned a settlement 
made on the eastern part of Long Island, at a place which, 
from the peculiar excellence of its shell-fish, was called Oyster 
Bay. This was attacking the province in the most sensible 
part, and occasioned great agitation at New-Amsterdam. 

It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to skilful physiolo- 
gists, that the high road to the affections is through the throat ; 
and this may be accounted for on the same principles which I 
have already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is 
the fact unknown to the world at large ; and hence do we ob- 
serve, that the surest way to gain the hearts of the million, is 
to feed them well — and that a man is never so disposed to flat- 
ter, to please and serve another, as when he is feeding at his 
expense ; which is one reason why your rich men, who give 
frequent dinners, have such abundance of sincere and faitliful 
friends. It is on this principle that our knowing leaders of 
parties secure the affections of their partisans, by rewarding 
them bountifully with loaves and fishes ; and entrap the suf- 
frages of the greasy mob, by treating them with bull feasts and 
roasted oxen. I have known many a man, in this same city, 
acquire considerable importance in society, and usurp a large 
share of the good-will of his enlightened fellow-citizens, when 
the only thing that could be said in his eulogium was, that 
" he gave a good dinner, and kept excellent wine." 

Since, then, the heart and the stomach are so nearly alhcd, 
it follows conclusively that what affects the one, must sympa- 
thetically affect the other. Now, it is an equally incontro- 
vertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none 
more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, known com- 
monly by the vulgar name of Oyster. And in such great rev- 
erence has it ever been held, by my gormandizing feUow-citi- 
zens, that temples have been dedicated to it, time out of mind, 
in every street, lane, and alley throughout this well-fed city. 
It is not to be expected, therefore, that the seizing of Oyster 
Bay, a place abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be 
tolerated by the inhabitants of New- Amsterdam. An attack 
upon their honour they might have pardoned ; even the mas- 
sacre of a few citizens might have been passed over in silence ; 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TOBK. 147 

but an outrage that affected the larders of the great city of 
New- Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its corpulent 
burgomasters, was too serious to pass unrevenged. — The whole 
council was unanimous in opinion, that the intruders should 
be immediately driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay and 
its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly despatched for 
the purpose, under the command of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or 
Brinkerhoofd, {i.e. Stoffel, the head-breaker,) so called because 
he was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole 
extent of Nieuw-Nederlandts for his skill at quarter-staff; and 
for size, he would have been a match for Colbrand, the Danish 
champion, slain by Guy of Warwick. 

Stoffel Brinkerhoff was a man of few words, but prompt 
actions— one of your straight-going officers, who march directly 
forward ; and do their orders without making any parade. He 
used no extraordinary speed in his movements, but trudged 
steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Jericho and 
Patchog, and the mighty town of Quag, and various other 
renowned cities of yore, which, by some unaccountable witch- 
craft of the Yankees, have been strangely transplanted to 
Long Island, until he arrived in the neighbourhood of Oyster 
Bay. 

Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host of vahant 
warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and Habakkuk Nutter, 
and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fish, and Jonathan Doo- 
little, and Determined Cock ! — at the sound of whose names the 
courageous Stoffel verily believed that the whole parliament 
of Praise-God-Barebones had been let loose to discomfit him. 
Finding, however, that this formidable body was composed 
merely of the "select men" of the settlement, armed with no 
other weapon but their tongues, and that they had issued forth 
with no other intent than to meet him on the field of argument 
— he succeeded in putting them to the rout with little diffi- 
culty, and completely broke up their settlement. Without 
waiting to write an account of his victory on the spot, and 
thu3 letting the enemy slip through his fingers, while he was 
securing his own laurels, as a more experienced general would 
have done, the brave Stoffel thought of nothing but completing 
his enterprise, and utterly driving the Yankees from the island. 
This hardy enterprise he performed in much the same manner 
as he had been accustomed to drive his oxen ; for as the Yan- 
kees fled before him, he pulled up his breeches and trudged 
steadily after them, and would infallibly have driven them 



148 ^ BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

into the sea, had they not begged for quarter, and agreed to 
pay tribute. 

The news of this achievement was a seasonable restorative 
to the spiiits of the citizens of New- Amsterdam. To gratify 
them still more, the governor resolved to astonish them with , 
one of those gorgeous spectacles, known in the days of classic 
antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged into his 
memory, when a school-boy at the Hague. A grand triumph, 
therefore, was decreed to Stoffel Brinkerholf , who made his 
triumphant entrance into town riding on a Naraganset pacer; 
five pumpkins, which, like Eoman eagles, had served the 
enemy for standards, were carried before him — fifty cart loads 
of oysters, five hundred bushels of Weathersfield onions, a hun- 
dred quintals of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses, and vari- 
ous other treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute of 
the Yankees ; while three notorious counterfeiters of Manhat- 
tan notes * were led captive, to grace the hero's triumph. The 
procession was enlivened by martial music from the trumpet 
of Anthony Van Corlear, the champion, accompanied by a 
select band of boys and negroes performing on the national in- 
struments of rattle-bones and clam-shells. The citizens de- 
voured the spoils in sheer gladness of heart — every man did 
honour to the conqueror, by getting devoutly drunk on New- 
England rum — ^and the learned Wilhelmus Kieft, calling to 
mind, in a momentary fit of enthusiasm and generosity, that 
it was customary among the ancients to honour their victo- 
rious generals with pubhc statues, passed a gracious decree, by 
which every tavern-keeper was permitted to paint the head of 
the intrepid Stoffel on his sign ! 



* This is one of those trivial anachronisms, that now and then occur in the course 
of this otherwise authentic history. How could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, 
when as yet Banks were unknown in tliis country? — and our simple progenitors had 
pot even dreamt of those mexbaustible mines ot paper opitZence.— Print, Dwf, 



A EtSTOBY OF NEW-YOBK. 149 



CHAPTER IV. 

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON THE FOLLY OF BEING HAPPY 
IN TIMES OF PROSPERITY— SUNDRY TROUBLES ON THE SOUTH- 
ERN FRONTIERS— HOW WILLIAM THE TESTY HAD WELL NIGH 
RUINED THE PROVINCE THROUGH A CABALISTIC WORD— AS ALSO 
THE SECRET EXPEDITION OF JAN^ANSEN ALPENDAM, AND HIS 
ASTONISHING REWARD. 

If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame Fortune, 
where, like a notable landlady, she regularly chalks up the 
debtor and creditor accounts of mankind, we should find that, 
upon the whole, good and evil are pretty near balanced in this 
world ; and that though we may lor a long while revel in the 
very lap of prosperity, the time will at length come when we 
must ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune, in fact, is a pes- 
tilent shrew, and withal a most inexorable creditor ; for though 
she may indulge her favourites in long credits, and overwhelm 
them with her favours, yet sooner or later she brings up her 
arrears with the rigour of an experienced publican, and washes 
out her scores with their tears. "Since," said good old 
Boetius, " no man can retain her at his pleasure, and since her 
flight is so deeply lamented, what are her favours but sure 
prognostications of approaching trouble and calamity?" 

There is nothing that more moves my contempt at the stu- 
pidity and want of reflection of my feUow-men, than to behold 
them rejoicing, and indulging in security and self-confidence, 
in times of prosperity. To a wise man, who is blessed with the 
light of reason, those are the very moments of anxiety and ap- 
prehension; well knowing that according to the system of 
things, happiness is at best but transient — and that the higher 
he is elevated by the capricious breath of fortune, the lower 
must be his proportionate depression. Whereas, he who is 
overwhelmed by calamity, has the less chance of encounter- 
ing fresh disasters, as a man at the bottom of a ladder runs 
very httle risk of breaking his neck by tumbling to the top. 

This is the very essence of true wisdom, which consists in 
knowing when we ought to be miserable ; and was discovered 
much about the same time with that invaluable secret, that 
"every thing is vanity and vexation of spirit;" in consequence 
of which maxim, your wise men have ever been the unhappi- 



150 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

est of the human race ; esteeming it as an infallible mark of 
genius to be distressed without reason— since any man may 
be miserable in time of misfortune, but it is the philosopher 
alone who can discover cause for grief in the very hour of 
prosperity. 

According to the principle I have just advanced, we find that 
the colony of New-Netherlands, which, under the reign of the 
renowned Van Twiller, had flourished in such alarming and 
fatal serenity, is now paying for its former welfare, and dis- 
charging the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. 
Foes harass it from different quarters; the city of New- Am- 
sterdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept in constant alarm; 
and its valiant commander, William the Testy, answers the 
vulgar, but expressive idea, of " a man in a peck of troubles." 

While busily engaged repelling his bitter enemies the Yankees 
on ome side, we find him suddenly molested in another quarter, 
and by other assailants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under 
the conduct of Peter Minnewits, and professing allegiance to 
that redoubtable virago, Christina, queen of Sweden, had set- 
tled themselves and erected a fort on South (or Delaware) 
River — within the boundaries claimed by the government of 
the New-Netherlands. History is mute as to the particulars of 
their first landing, and their real pretensions to the soil ; and 
this is the more to be lamented, as this same colony of Swedes 
will hereafter be found most materially to affect not only the 
interests of the Nederlanders, but of the world at large ! 

In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond colony of 
Swedes first took possession of the country, it is certain that in 
1638 they established a fort, and Minnewits, according to the 
off-hand usage of his contemporaries, declared himself governor 
of all the adjacent country, under the name of the province of 
New Sweden. No sooner did this reach the ears of the choleric 
Wilhelmus, than, like a true-spirited chieftaia, he immediately 
broke into a violent rage, and calling together his council, be- 
laboured the Swedes most lustily in the longest speech that had 
ever been heard in the colony, since the memorable dispute of 
Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus given vent 
to the first ebullitions of his indignation, he had resort to his 
favourite measure of proclamation, and despatched one, piping 
hot, in the first year of his reign, informing Peter Minnewits 
that the whole territory, bordering on the South river, had, 
time out of mind, been in possession of the Dutch colonists, 
having been " beset with forts, and sealed with their blood." 



A BIS WHY OF NEW-TOBK. 151 

The latter sanguinary sentence would convey an idea of dire- 
ful war and bloodshed, were we not reMeved by the information 
that it merely related to a fray, in which some half-a-dozen 
Dutchmen had been kUled by the Indians, in their benevolent 
attempts to estabhsh a. colony and promote civilization. B7/ 
this it will be seen, that William Kieft, though a very small man, 
delighted in big expressions, and was much given to a praise- 
worthy figure of rhetoric, generally cultivated by your little 
great men, called hyperbole — a figure which has been found of 
infinite service among many of his class, and which has helped 
to swell the grandeur of many a mighty, self-important, but 
windy chief magistrate. Nor can I refrain in this place from 
observing how much my beloved country is indebted to this 
same figure of hyperbole, for supporting certain of her great- 
est characters — statesmen, orators, civilians, and divines ; who, 
by dint of big words, inflated periods, and windy doctrines, 
are. kept afloat on the surface of society, as ignorant swimmers 
are buoyed up by blown bladders. 

The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by orderinr; 
the self -dubbed governor, and his gang of Swedish adventurers, 
immediately to leave the country, under penalty of the high 
displeasure and inevitable vengeance of the puissant government 
of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. This ''strong measure," however, 
does not seem to have had a whit more effect than its prede- 
cessors which had been thundered against the Yankees — the 
Swedes resolutely held on to the territory they had taken pos- 
session of — whereupon matters for the present remained in 
statu quo. 

That Wilhelmus Eieft should put up with this insolent ob- 
stinacy in the Swedes, would appear incompatible with his val- 
orous temperament ; but we find that about this time the Uttle 
man had his hands full, and, what with one annoyance and 
another, was kept continually on the bounce. 

There is a certain description of active legislators, who, by 
shrewd management, contrive always to have a hundi^ed irons 
on the anvil, every one of which must be iromediately attended 
to ; who consequently are ever full of temporary shifts and ex- 
pedients, patching up the pubhc welfare, and cobbhng the na- 
tional affairs, so as to make nine holes where they mend one — 
stopping Ghinks and flaws with whatever comes first to hand, 
like the Yankees I have mentioned, stuffing old clothes in 
broken windows. Of this class of statesmen was William the 
Testy — and had he only been blessed with powers equal to his 



152 ^ ntSTOUY OF NKW-YORK. 

zeal, or his zeal been disciplined by a little discretion, there is 
very little doubt that he would have made the greatest governor 
of his size on record — the renowned governor of the island of 
Barataria alone excepted. 

The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy was, that 
though no man could be more ready to stand forth in an hour 
of emergency, yet he was so intent upon guarding the national 
pocket, that he suffered the enemy to break its head — in other 
words, whatever precaution for public safety he adopted, he 
was so intent upon rendering it cheap, that he invariably ren- 
dered it ineffectual. All this was a remote consequence of his 
profound education at the Hague — where, having acquired a 
smattering of knowledge, he was ever after a great Conner of 
indexes, continually dipping into books, without ever studying 
to the bottom of any subject ; so that he had the scum of all 
kinds of authors fermenting in his pericranium. In some of 
these title-page researches, he unluckily stumbled over a grand 
political cabalistic ivord, which, with, his customary facihty, 
he immediately incorporated into his great scheme- of govern- 
ment, to the irretrievable injury and delusion of the honest 
province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and the eternal misleading of 
all experimental rulers. 

In vain have I pored over the theurgia of the Chaldeans, the 
cabala of the Jews, the necromancy of the Arabians, the magic 
of the Persians, the hocus-pocus of the English, the witchcraft 
of the Yankees, or the powwowing of the Indians, to discover 
where the little man first laid eyes on this terrible word. 
Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, that famous cabalistic volume, 
ascribed to the patriarch Abraham ; nor the pages of Zohar, 
containing the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by the learned 
rabbi Simon Sochaides, yield any light to my inquiries — nor 
am I in the least benefited by my painful researches in the 
Shem-ham-phorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew, though it 
enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' journey in twenty- 
four hours. Neither can I perceive the slightest affinity in the 
Tetragrammaton, or sacred name of four letters, the profound- 
est word of the Hebrew cabala ; a mystery sublime, ineffable, 
and incommunicable— and the letters of which, Jod-He-Yau- 
He, having been stolen by the pagans, constituted their great 
name, Jao or Jove. In short, in all my cabalistic, theurgic, 
necromantic, magical, and astrological researches, from the 
Tetractys of Pythagoras to the recondite works of Breslaw and 
Mother Bunch, I have not discovered the least vestige of au 



A HISTORY OF NEW- TORE. 153 

origin of this word, nor have I discovered any word of suflS- 
cient potency to counteract it. 

Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the word which had 
so wonderfully arrested the attention of William the Testy, 
and which in German characters had a particularly black and 
ominous aspect, on being fairly translated into the Enghsh, is 
no other than economy — a talismanic term, which, by con- 
stant use and frequent mention, has ceased to be formidable in 
our eyes, but which has as terrible potency as any in the 
arcana of necromancy. 

When pronounced in a national assembly, it has an immedi- 
ate effect in closing the hearts, beclouding the intellects, draw- 
ing the purse-strings and buttoning the breeches-pockets of all 
philosophic legislators. Nor are its effects on the eyes less 
wonderful. It produces a contraction of the retina, an obscur- 
ity of the crystaUine lens, a viscidity of the vitreous and an 
inspissation of the aqueous humours, an induration of the 
tunica sclerotica, and a convexity of the cornea ; insomuch that 
the organ of vision loses its strength and perspicuity, and the 
unfortunate patient becomes myopes, or, in plain English, pur- 
bhnd ; perceiving only the amount of immediate expense, with- 
out being able to look farther, and regard it in connexion with 
the ultimate object to be effected — "So that," to quote the 
words of the eloquent Burke, "a briar at his nose is of greater 
magnitude than an oak at five hundred yards' distance. " Such 
are its instantaneous operations, and the results are still more 
astonishing. By its magic influence, seventy -fours shrink into 
frigates— frigates into sloops, and sloops into gun-boats. 

This all-potent word, which served as his touchstone in poli- 
tics, at once explains the whole system of proclamations, pro- 
tests, empty threats, windmills, trumpeters, and paper war, 
carried on by Wilhelmus the Testy — and we may trace its ope- 
rations in an armament which he fitted out in 1642* in a 
moment of great wrath, consisting of two sloops and thirty 
men, under the command of Mynheer Jan Jansen Alpendam, 
as admiral of the fleet, and commander-in-chief of the forces. 
This formidable expedition, which can only be paralleled by 
some of the daring cruises of our infant navy about the bay 
and up the Sound, was intended to drive the Marylanders 
from the Schuylkill, of which they had recently taken posses- 
sion — ^and which was claimed as part of the province of New- 
Nederlandts — for it appears that at this time our infant colony 
was in that enviable state, so much coveted by ambitious 



154 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TORE. 

nations, that is to say, the government had a vast extent of 
territory, part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of 
which it had continually to quarrel about. 

Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great mettle 
and prowess, and no way dismayed at the character of the 
enemy, who were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race 
of men, who lived on hoe-cakes and bacon, drank mint-juleps 
and apple-toddy, and were exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, 
gouging, tar and feathering, and a variety of other athletic 
accomplishments, which they had borrowed from their cousins- 
german and prototypes, the Virginians, to whom they had 
ever borne considerable resemblance. Notwithstanding all 
these alarming representations, the admiral entered the 
Schuylkill most undauntedly with his fleet, and arrived with- 
out disaster or opposition at the place of destination. 

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in Low 
Dutch, which the wary Kief t had previously put in his pocket ; 
wherein he courteously commenced by calling them a pack 
of lazy, louting, dram-drinking, cock-fighting, horse-racing, 
slave-driving, tavern-haunting, Sabbath-breaking, mulatto- 
breeding upstarts — and concluded by ordering them to evacu- 
ate the country immediately — to which they most laconically 
replied in plain English, "they'd see him d d first." 

Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen Alpen- 
dam nor Wilhelmus Kief t had made any calculation — ^and find- 
ing himself totally unprepared to answer so terrible a rebuff 
with suitable hostility, he concluded that his wisest course was 
to return home and report progress. He accordingly sailed 
back to New- Amsterdam, where he was received with great 
honours, and considered as a pattern for all commanders; 
having achieved a most hazardous enterprise, at a trifling ex- 
pense of treasure, and without losing a single man to the State ! 
He was unanimously called the deliverer of his country, (an 
appellation liberally bestowed on all great men ;) his two sloops, 
having done their duty, were laid up (or dry -docked) in a cove 
now called the Albany basin, where they quietly rotted in the 
mud ; and to immortalize his na^ne, they erected, by subscrip- 
tion, a magnificent shingle monument on the top of Flatten- 
barrnck hill, which lasted three whole years ; when it fell to 
pieces and was burnt for firewood. 



A EI8T0BT OF NEW- YORK. 155 

CHAPTER V. 

HOW WILLIAM THE TESTY ENRICHED THE PROVINCE BY A MULTI- 
TUDE OF LAWS, AND CAME TO BE THE PATRON OP LAWYERS AND 
BUM-BAILIFFS — AND HOW THE PEOPLE BECAME EXCEEDINGLY 
ENLIGHTENED AND UNHAPPY UNDER HIS INSTRUCTIONS. 

Among the many wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom 
which have floated down the stream of time, from venerable 
antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by those humble, 
but industrious wights, who ply along the shores of literature, 
we find the following sage ordinance of Charondas, the Locrian 
legislator. Anxious to preserve the ancient laws of the state 
from the additions and improvements of profound ' ' country 
members," or officious candidates for popularity, he ordained 
that whoever proposed a new law, should do it with a halter 
about his neck ; so that in case his proposition w^s rejected, 
they just hung him up— and there the-matter ended. 

This salutary institution had such an effect, that for more 
than two hundred years there was only one trifling alteration 
in the criminal code — and the whole race of lawyers starved to 
death for want of employment. The consequence of this was, 
that the Locrians, being unprotected by an overwhelming load 
of excellent laws, and undefended by a standing army of petti- 
foggers and sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and 
were such a happy people, that they scarce make any figure 
throughout the whole Grecian history — for it is well known 
that none but your unlucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations 
make any noise in the world. 

Well would it have been for William the Testy, had he 
haply, in the course of his "universal acquirements," stumbled 
upon this precaution of the good Charondas. On the contrary, 
he conceived that the true policy of a legislator was to mul- 
tiply laws, and thus secure the property, the persons, and the 
morals of the people, by surrounding them in a manner with 
men-traps and spring-guns, and besetting even the sweet 
sequestered walks of private life with quickset hedges, so that 
a man could scarcely turn, without the risk of encountering 
some of these pestiferous protectors. Thus was he continually 
coining petty laws for every petty offence that occurred, ilntil 
in time they became too nmnerous to be remembered, and re- 
mained like those of certain modem legislators, mere dead- 



156 ^ BISTORT OF- NEW- YORK. 

letters — revived occasionally for the purpose of individual 
oppression, or to entrap ignorant offenders. 

Petty courts consequently began to appear, where the law 
was administered with nearly as much wisdom and impar- 
tiahty as in those august tribunals, the alderman's and jus- 
tice's courts of the present day. The plaintiff was generally 
favoured, as being a eustomer and bringing business to the 
shop ; the offences of the rich were discreetly winked at — for 
fear of hurting the feelings of their friends; — but it could 
never be laid to the charge of the vigilant burgomasters, that 
they suffered vice to skulk unpunished, under the disgraceful 
rags of poverty. 

About this time may we date the first introduction of capital 
punishments— a ^.oodly gallows being erected on the water- 
side, about where Whitehall stairs are at present, a little to 
the east of the Battery. Hard by also was erected another 
gibbet of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatchable descrip- 
tion, but on which the ingenious William Kieft valued himself,, 
not a little, being a punishment entirely of his own invention. 

It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit inferior to that of 
Haman, so renowned in Bible history ; but the marvel of the 
contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being suspended 
byithe neck, according to venerable custom, was hoisted by 
the waistband, and was kept for an hour together dangling 
and sprawling between heaven and earth — to the infinite en- 
tertainment and doubtless great edification of the multitude of 
respectable citizens, who usually attend upon exhibitions of 
the kind. 

It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at beholding 
caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging by the crup- 
per, and cutting antic gambote in the air. He had a thousand 
pleasantries and mirthful conceits to utter upon these occa- 
sions. He called them his dandle-lions— his wild-fowl— his high- 
flyers—his spread-eagles— his goshawks — his scarecrows, and 
finally his gallo^vs-birds, wljich ingenious appellation, though 
originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this 
strange manner, has since grown to be a cant name given to 
all candidates for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, 
if we may credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists, 
gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping, by 
which our forefathers braced up their multifarious breeches, 
and which has of late years been revived, and continues to be 
worn at the present day. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 157 

Such were the admirable improvements of William Kieft in 
criminal law — nor was his civil code less a matter of wonder- 
ment ; and much does it grieve me that the hmits of my work 
will not suffer me to expatiate on both, with the prolixity they 
deserve. Let it suffice then to say, that in a httle whUe the 
blessings of innumerable laws became notoriously apparent. 
' It was soon found necessary to have a certain class of men to 
expound and confound them — divers pettifoggers accordingly 
made their appearance, under whose protecting care the com- 
munity was soon set together by the ears. 

I would not here be thought to insinuate any thing dei\)ga- 
tory to the profession of the law, or to its dignified members. 
Well am I aware, that we have in this ancient city innumer- 
able worthy gentlemen who have embraced that honourable 
order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, nor the selfish 
cravings of renown, but through no other motives but a fer- 
vent zeal for the correct administration of justice, and a gen- 
erous and disinterested devotion to the interests of their fel- 
low-citizens ! — Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the 
flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for ever, than infringe even 
for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of this truly benevolent 
class of citizens— on the contrary, I allude solely to that crew 
of caitiff scouts, who, in these latter days of evil, have become 
so numerous— who infest the skirts of the profession, as did 
the recreant Cornish knights the honourable order of chivalry 
— who, under its auspices, commit their depredations on so- 
ciety- -who thrive by quibbles, quirks, and chicanery, and, 
like vermin, swarm most where there is most corruption. 

Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions, as the 
facility of gratification. The courts of law would never be so 
constantly crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgraceful 
suits, were it not for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that in- 
fest them. These tamper with the passions of the lower and 
more ignorant classes ; who, as if poverty were not a sufficient 
misery in itself, are always ready to heighten it by the bitter- 
ness of litigation. They are in law what quacks are in medi- 
cine—exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting by the 
cure, and retarding the cure for the purpose of augmenting 
the fees. Where one destroys the constitution, the other im- 
poverishes the purse ; and it may Hkewise be observed, that a 
patient, who has once been under the hands of a quack, is 
ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with in- 
fallible remedies; and an ignorant man, who has once meddled 



158 -4 BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

with the law under the auspices of one of these empirics, is 
for ever after embroiling iiimself with his neighbours, and im- 
poverishing himself with successful law-suits. — My readers 
will excuse this digression, into which I have been unwarily 
betrayed; but I could not avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced 
account of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, 
and with the effects of which I am unluckily acquainted to my 
cost, having been nearly ruined by a law-suit, which was un- 
justly decided against me— and my ruin having been com- 
pleted by another, which was decided in my favour. 

It has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyve- 
sant manuscript, that under the administration of Wilhelmus 
Kieft the disposition of the inhabitants ot New- Amsterdam 
experienced an essential change, so that they became very 
meddlesome and factious. The constant exacerbations of tem- 
per into which the little governor was thrown by the maraud- 
ings on his frontiers, and his unfortunate propensity to experi- 
ment and innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in a 
continual worry — and the council being, to the people at large, 
what yest or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole com- 
munity into a ferment— and the people at large being to the 
city what the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions, 
they underwent operated most disastrously upon New- Amster- 
dam— insomuch, that in certain of their paroxysms of conster- 
nation and perplexity, they begat several of the most crooked, 
distorted, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, with which 
this metropolis is disfigured. 

But the worst of the matter was, that just about this time 
the mob, since called the sovereign people, hke Balaam's ass, 
began to grow more enhghtened than its rider, and exhibited a 
strange desire of governing itself. This was another effect of 
the " universal acquirements" of Wilham the Testy. In some 
of his pestilent researches among the rubbish of antiquity, he 
was struck with' admiration at the institution of pubHc talDles 
among the Lacedaemonians, where they discussed topics of a 
general and interesting nature — at the schools of the philoso- 
phers, where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics 
and morals — ^where gray-beards were taught the rudiments of 
wisdom, and youths learned to become Httle men before they 
were boys. " There is nothing," said the ingenious Kieft, shut- 
ting up the book, "there is nothing more essential to the well- 
management of a country, than education among the people : 
the basis of a good government should be laid in the publig 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK 159 

mind."— Now this was true enough, but it was ever the way- 
ward fate of William the Testy, that when he thought right, he 
was sure to go to work wrong. In the present instance, he 
could scarcely eat or sleep until he had set on foot brawling 
debating societies among the simple citizens of New- Amster- 
dam. This was the one thing wanting to complete his confu- 
sion. The honest Dutch burghers, though in truth but little 
given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meet- 
ing often together, fuddling themselves with strong drink, be- 
clouding their Drains with tobacco-smoke, and listening to the 
harangues of some half-a-dozen oracles, soon became exceed- 
ingly wise, and— as is always the case where the mob is politi- 
cally enlightened— exceedingly discontented. They found out, 
with wonderful guickness of discernment, the fearful error in 
which they had indulged, in fancying themselves the happiest 
people in creation— and were fortunately convinced, that, all 
circumstances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a 
very unhappy, deluded, and consequently ruined people. 

In a short time, the quidnuncs of New- Amsterdam formed 
themselves into sage juntos of political croakers, who daily met 
together to groan over political affairs, and make themselves 
miserable ; thronging to these unhappy assemblages, with the 
same eagerness that zealots have in all ages abandoned the 
milder and more peaceful path^ of religion, to crowd to the 
howling convocations of fanaticism. We are naturally prone 
to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamen- 
tation—like lubberly monks, we belabour our own shoulders, 
and seem to take a vast satisfaction in the music of our own 
groans. Nor is this said for the sake of paradox ; daily experi- 
ence shows the truth of these observations. It is almost un- 
possible to elevate the spirits of a man groaning under ideal 
calamities; but nothing is more easy than to render him 
wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity ; as it is a Hercu- 
lean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the 
merest child can topple him off thence. 

In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the reader wiU at 
once perceive the faint germs of those sapient convocations 
called popular meetings, prevalent at our day. Thither re- 
sorted all those idlers and "squires of low degree," who, like 
rags, hang loose upon the back of society, and are ready to be 
blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cobblers abandoned 
their stalls, and hastened thither to give lessons on political 
economy— blacksmiths left their handicraft and suffered their 



160 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK, 

own fires to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred up 
the fire of faction ; and even tailors, though but the shreds and 
patches, the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own 
measures to attend to the measures of government. — Nothing 
was wanting but half-a-dozen newspapers and patriotic editors, 
to have completed this public illumination, and to have thrown 
the whole province in an uproar ! 

I should not forget to mention, that these popular meetings 
were held at a noted tavern; for houses of that description 
have always been found the most fostering nurseries of poli- 
tics ; abounding with those genial streams which give strength 
and sustenance to faction. We are told that the ancient Ger- 
mans had an admirable mode of treating any question of im- 
portance ; they first deliberated upon it when drunk, and after- 
wards reconsidered it when sober. The shrewder mobs of 
America, who dislike having two minds upon a subject, both 
determine and act upon it drunk ; by which means a world of 
cold and tedious speculation is dispensed with— and as it is 
universally allovv^ed, that when a man is drunk he sees double, 
it follows most conclusively that he sees twice as well as his 
sober neighbours. 



CHAPTER Yl. 



OP THE GREAT PIPE PLOT — AND OF THE DOLOROUS PERPLEXI- 
TIES INTO WHICH WILLIAM THE TESTY WAS THROWN, BY REA- 
SON OP HIS HAVING ENLIGHTENED THE MULTITUDE. 

WiLHELMUS KiEPT, as has already been made manifest, was 
a great legislator upon a small scale. He was of an active, or 
rather a busy mind ; that is to say, his was one of those small, 
but brisk minds, which make up by bustle and constant mo- 
tion for the want of great scope and power. He had, when 
quite a younghng, been impressed with the advice of Solomon, 
'' Go to the ant, thou sluggard ; consider her ways and be wise ;" 
in conformity to which, he had ever been of a restless, ant-like 
turn, worrying hither and thither, busying himself about little 
matters, with an air of gTeat importance and anxiety— laying 
up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and puffing at a 
grain of mustard-seed, under the full conviction that he was 
naoving a mountain. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YOBK. 161 

Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of his fits of 
mental bustle, which he termed dehberation, he framed an un- 
lucky law, to prohibit the universal practice of smoking. This 
he proved, by mathematical demonstration, to be, not merely 
a heavy tax on the public pocket, but an incredible consumer 
of time, a great encourager of idleness, and, of course, a deadly 
bane to the prosperity and morals of the people. Ill-fated 
Kieft! had he hved in this enlightened and hbel-loving age, 
and attempted to subvert the inestimable liberty of the press, 
he could not have struck more closely on the sensibilities of the 
million. 

The populace were in as violent a turmoil as the constitutional 
gravity of their deportment would permit— a mob of factious 
citizens had even the hardihood to assemble before the gov- 
ernor's house, where, setting themselves resolutely down, like 
a besieging army before a fortress, they one and all fell to 
smoking with a determined perseverance, that seemed as 
though it were their intention to smoke liim into terms. The 
testy William issued out of his mansion like a wrathful spider, 
and demanded to know the cause of tliis seditious assemblage, 
and this lawless fumigation; to which these stuBdy rioters 
made no other reply, than to loll back phlegmatically in their 
seats, and puff away with redoubled fury ; whereby they raised 
such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain to take refuge 
in the interior of his castle. 

The governor immediately perceived the object of this un- 
usual tumult, and that it would be impossible to suppress a 
practice, which, by long indulgence, had become a second 
nature. And here I would observe, partly to explain why I 
have so often made mention of this practice in my history, that 
it was inseparably connected v/ith all the affairs, both pubhc 
and private, of our revered ancestors. The pipe, in fact, was 
never from the mouth of the true-born Nederlander. It was 
his companion in solitude, the relaxation of his gayer hours, 
his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his pride ; in a word, he 
seemed to think and breathe through his pipe. 

When William the Testy bethought himself of all these 
matters, which he certainly did, although a Httle too late, he 
came to a compromise with the besieging multitude. The re- 
sult was, that though he continued to permit the custom of 
smoking, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes which were 
used in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting ease, tran- 
quillity, and sobriety of deportment ; and, in place thereof, did 



16^ A mSTOIlT OF l^'EW-TOUK. 

introduce little, captious, short pipes, two inches in length; 
which, he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the mouth, 
or twisted in the hat-band, and would not be in the way of 
business. By this the multitude seemed somewhat appeased, 
and dispersed to their habitations. Thus ended this alarming 
insurrection, which was long known by the name of the pipe 
plot, and which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did 
end, like most other plots, seditions, and conspiracies, in mere 
smoke. 

But mark, oh reader ! the deplorable consequences that did 
afterwards result. The smoke of these villainous little pipes, 
continually ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated 
into, and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the kindly 
moisture of the brain, and rendered the people that used them 
as vapourish and testy as their renowned little governor— nay, 
what is more, from a goodly, burly race of folk, they became, 
like our worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke short pipes, a 
lantern- jawed, smoke-dried, leathern-hided race of men. 

Nor was this all, for from hence may we date the rise of 
parties in this province. Certain of the more wealthy and 
important burghers adhering to the ancient fashion, formed a 
kind of aristocracy, which went by the appellation of the Long 
Pipes — while the lower orders, submitting to the innovation, 
which they found to be more convenient in their handicraft 
employments, and to leave them more liberty of action, were 
branded with the plebeian name of Short Pipes. A third 
party likewise sprang up, differing from both the other, 
headed by the descendants of the famous Eobert Chewit, the 
companion of the great Hudson. These entirely discarded the 
use of pipes, and took to chewing tobacco, and hence they 
were called Quids. It is worthy of notice, that this last appel- 
lation has since come to be invariably applied to those mongrel 
or third parties, that will sometimes spring up between two 
great contending parties, as a laaule is produced between a 
horse and an ass. 

And here I would remark the great benefit of these party 
distinctions, by which the people at large are saved the vast 
trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into three 
classes : those who think for themselves, those who let others 
think for them, and those who will neither do one nor the 
other. The second class, however, comprises the great mass 
of society; and hence is the origin otpcirty, by which is meant 
a large body of people, some few of whom think, and all the 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 163 

rest talk. The f OKtner, who are called the leaders, marshal out 
and discipline the latter, teaching them what they must ap- 
prove — what they must hoot at — what they must say — whom 
they must support — but, above all, whom they must hate— 
for no man can be a right good partisian, unless he be a deter- 
mined and thorough-goi5ig hater. 

But when the sovereign people are thus properly broken to 
the harness, yoked, curbed, and reined, it is delectable to see 
with what docility and harmony they jog onward, through 
mud and mire, at the wiU of their drivers, dragging the dirt- 
carts of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic member 
of Congress have I seen, who would never have known how 
to make up his mind on any question, and might have run a 
great risk of voting right, by mere accident, had he not had 
others to think for him, and a file-leader to vote after ! 

Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, 
being divided into parties, were enabled to organize dissension, 
and to oppose and hate one another more accurately. And 
now the great business of politics went bravely on— the 
parties assembling in separate beer-houses, and smoking at each 
other with implacable animosity, to the great support of the 
state, and emolument of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, 
who were more zealous than the rest, went farther, and began 
to bespatter one another with numerous very hard names and 
scandalous little words, to be found in the Dutch language; 
every partisan beHeving religiously that he was serving his 
country, when he traduced the character or impoverished the 
pocket of a political adversary. But, however they might 
differ between themselves, all parties agreed on one point, to 
cavil at and condemn every measure of government, whether 
right or wrong ; for as the governor was by his station inde- 
pendent of their power, and was not elected by their choice, 
and as he had not decided in favour of either faction, neither 
of them was interested in his success, or in the prosperity of 
the country, while under his administration. 

" Unhappy William Kieft!" exclaims the sage writer of the 
Stuyvesant manuscript — "doomed to contend with enemies 
too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over a people too 
wise to be governed !" AU his expeditions against his enemies 
were baffled and set at nought, and all his measures for the 
public safety were cavilled at by the people. Did he propose 
levying an efficient body of troops for internal defence— the 
mob, that is to say those vagabond members of the community 



164 ^ HISTORY OF NBW-TORK. 

who have nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, voci- 
ferated that their interests were in danger — that a standing 
army was a legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society ; 
a rod of iron in the hands of governijient ; and that a govern- 
ment with a military force at its command would inevitably 
swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly the 
case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, and 
then hastily collect a handful of undisciplined vagrants — the 
measure was hooted at as feeble and inadequate, as trifling 
with the public dignity and safety, and as lavishing the public 
funds on impotent enterprises. Did he resort to the economic 
measure of proclamation— he was laughed at by the Yankees ; 
did lie back it by non-intercourse— it was evaded and counter- 
acted by his own subjects. Whichever way he turned himself, 
he was beleaguered and distracted by petitions of ' ' numerous 
and respectable meetings," consisting of some haK-a-dozen 
brawling pot-house politicians— all of which he read, and, what 
is worse— all of which he attended to. The consequence was, 
that by incessantly changing his measures, he gave none of them 
a fair trial ; and by listening to the clamours of the mob, and 
endeavouring to do every thing, he, in sober truth, did nothing. 
I would not have it supposed, however, that he took all these 
memorials and interferences good-naturedly, for such an idea 
would do injustice to his vahant spirit ; on the contrary, he 
never received a piece of advice in the whole course of his life, 
without first getting into a passion with the giver. But I ha,ve 
ever observed that your passionate little men, like small boats 
with large sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their 
course; and this is demonstrated by Governor Kieft, who, 
though in temperament as hot as an old radish, and with a 
mind, the territory of which was subjected to perpetual whirl- 
winds and tornadoes, yet never failed to be carried away by 
the last piece of advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky 
was it for him that his power was not dependent upon the 
greasy multitude, and that as yet the populace did not possess 
the important privilege of nominating their chief magistrate ! 
They, however, did their best to help along public affairs ; pes- 
tering their governor incessantly, by goading him on with 
harangues and petitions, and then thwarting his fiery spirit 
with reproaches and memorials, like Sunday jockies manag- 
ing an unlucky devil of a hack-horse — so that Wilhelmus Kieft 
may be said to have been kept either on a worry or a hand- 
gallop throughout the whole of his administration. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 165 



CHAPTER VII. 

CONTAINING DIVERS FEARFUL ACCOUNTS OF BORDER WARS, AND 
THE FLAGRANT OUTRAGES OF THE MOSSTROOPERS OF CONNECTI- 
CUT — WITH THE RISE OF THE GREAT AMPHYCTIONIC COUNCIL 
OF THE EAST, AND THE DECLINE OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 

It was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, who were 
intimately acquainted with these matters, that at the gate of 
Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, the one fiUed with bless- 
ings, the other with misfortunes — and it verily seems as if the 
latter had been completely overturned and left to deluge the 
unlucky province of Nieuw-Nederlandts. Among the many 
internal and external causes of irritation, the incessant irrup- 
tions of the Yankees upon his frontiers were continually add- 
ing fuel to the inflammable temper of Wilham the Testy. 
Numerous accounts of these molestations may still be found 
among the records of the times ; for the commanders on the 
frontiers were especially careful to evince their vigilance and 
zeal by striving who should send home the most frequent and 
voluminous budgets of complaints — as your faithful servant is 
eternally running with complaints to the parlour, of the petty 
squabbles and misdemeanours of the kitchen. 

Far be it from me to insinuate, however, that our worthy 
ancestors indulged in groundless alarms ; on the contrary, they 
were daily suffering a repetition of cruel wrongs,* not one of 
which but was a sufficient reason, according to the maxims of 
national dignity and honour, for throwing the whole universe 
into hostihty and confusion. 



* From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, I select a few of 
the most atrocious?, and leave my readers to judge if our ancestors were not justifi- 
able in getting into a very valiant passion on the occasion. 

"24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hogg out of the vl act or com- 
mon, and shut it up out of meer hate or other prejudice, causing it to starve for 
hunger in the stye!" 

" 26 July. The foremencioned English did again drive the Companie's hoggs out 
of the vlact of Sicojoke into Hartford; contending daily with reproaches, blows, 
beating the people with all disgrace that they could imagine." 

"May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut loose a horse of the 
honoured Companie's, that stood bound upon the common or vlact." 

" May 9, 1643. The Companie's horses pastured upon the Companie's ground, 
were driven away by them of Connecticott or Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily 
beaten with hatchets and sticks." 

"16. Again they sold a young hogg belonging to the Companie, which piggs b^(} 
pastured on the Companie's land."— JEfa«. Col. State Papers, 



166 • ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK, 

Oh, ye powers ! into what indignation did every one of these 
outrages throw the philosophic WiUiam! letter after letter, 
protest after protest, proclamation after proclamation, bad 
Latin, worse English, and hideous Low Dutch were exhausted 
in vain upon the inexorable Yankees ; and the four-and- twenty 
letters of the alphabet, which, excepting his champion, the 
sturdy trumpeter Van Corlear, composed the only standing 
army he had at his command, were never off duty throughout 
the whole of his administration. Nor was Antony the trum- 
peter a whit behind his patron in fiery zeal ; but like a faithful 
champion of the public safety, on the arrival of every fresh 
article of news, he v/as sure to sound his trumpet from the 
ramparts, with most disastrous notes, throwing the people 
into violent alarms, and disturbing their rest at all tunes and 
seasons — which caused him to be held in very great regard, 
the public pampering and rewarding him, as we do brawling 
editors for similar services. 

I am well aware of the perils that environ me in this part of 
my history. While raking with curious hands, but pious 
heart, among the mouldering remains of former days, anxious 
to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat 
like that valiant worthy, Samson, who, in meddhng with the 
carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of bees about liis ears. 
Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds of the Yanokie or 
Yankee tribe, it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid 
sensibilities of certain of their unreasonable descendants, who 
may fly out and raise such a buzzing about this unlucky head 
of mine, that I shall need the tough hide of an Achilles or an 
Orlando Furioso to protect me from their stings. 

Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely 
lament — not my misfortune in giving offence — but the wrong- 
headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation, in taking 
offence at anything I say. That their ancestors did use my 
ancestors ill, is true, and I am very sorry for it. I would, 
with all my heart, the fact were otherwise; but as I am 
recording the sacred events of history, I'd not bate one nail's 
breadth of the honest truth, though I were sure the whole 
edition of my work should be bought up and burnt by the 
common hangman of Connecticut. And in sooth, now that 
these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will make bold 
to go farther and observe, that this is one of the grand pur- 
poses for which we impartial historians are sent into the world 
—to redress wrongs and render justice on the heads of the 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 167 

guilty. So that, though a powerful nation may wrong its 
neighbours with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later a 
historian springs up who wreaks ample chastisement on it in 
return. 

Thus these mosstroopers of the east little thought, I'll war- 
rant it, while they were harassing the inoffensive province of 
Nieuw-Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy governor to his 
wit's end, that a historian should ever arise and give them 
their own with interest. Since, then, I am but performing my 
bounden duty as a historian, in avenging the wrongs of our 
revered ancestors, I shall make no further apology; and in- 
deed, when it is considered that I have all these ancient bor- 
derers of the east in my power, and at the mercy of my pen, I 
trust that it will be admitted I conduct myself with great 
humanity and moderation. 

To resume, th^n, the course of my history. Appearances to 
the eastward began now to assume a more formidable aspect 
than ever— for I would have you note that hitherto the province 
had been chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the 
people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford ; which, if we 
may judge from ancient chronicles, was the stronghold of 
these sturdy mosstroopers, from whence they sallied forth, on 
their daring incursions, carrying terror and devastation into 
the barns, the hen-roosts, and pig-styes of our revered an- 
cestors. 

Albeit, about the year 1643, the people of the east country, 
inhabiting the colonies of Massachusetts, Connecticut, New- 
Plymouth, and New-Haven, gathered together into a mighty 
conclave, and after buzzing and debating for many days, like 
a political hive of bees in swarming time, at length settled 
themselves into a formidable confederation, under the title of 
the United Colonies of New -England. By this union, they 
pledged themselves to stand by one another in all perils and 
assaults, and to co-operate in all measures, offensive and de- 
fensive, against the surrounding savages, among which were 
doubtlessly included om* honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes ; 
and to give more strength and system to this confederation, a 
general assembly or grand council was to be annually held, 
composed of representatives from each of the provinces. 

On receiving accounts of this combination, Wilhelmus Kieft 
was struck with consternation, and, for the first time in his 
whole life, forgot to bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of 
intelligence— which a venerable historian of the time observes, 



168 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

was especially noticed among the politicians of New- Amster- 
dam. The truth was, on turning over in his mind all that he 
had read at the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he 
found that this was an exact imitation of the Amphyctionic 
council, by which the states of Greece were enabled to attain 
to such power and supremacy, and the very idea made his 
heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. 

He strenuously insisted that the whole object of this confed- 
eration was to drive the Nederlanders out of their fair domains ; 
and always flew into a great rage if any one presumed to 
doubt the probability of his conjecture. Nor was he wholly 
unwarranted in such a suspicion ; for at the very first annual 
meeting of the grand council, held at Boston, (which governor 
Kieft denominated the Delphos of this truly classic league,) 
strong representations were made against the Nederlanders, 
forasmuch as that in their dealings with the Indians, they car- 
ried on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott— a trade damna- 
ble and injurious to tlie colonists."* Not but what certain of 
the Connecticut traders did likewise dabble a little in this 
"damnable traffic"— but then they always sold the Indians 
such scurvy guns, that they burst at the first discharge — and 
consequently hurt no one but these pagan savages. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a dea,thblow to the 
glory of William the Testy, for from that day forward, it was 
remarked b,y many, he never held up his head, but appeared 
quite crestfallen. His subsequent reign, therefore, affords but 
scanty food for the historic pen — we find the grand council con- 
tinually augmenting in power, and threatening to overwhelm 
the province of Nieuw - Nederlandts ; while Wilhelmus Kieft 
kept constantly fulminating proclamations and protests, like 
a shrewd sea-captain firing off carronades and swivels, in order 
to break and disperse a waterspout — but alas ! they had no more 
effect than if they had been so many blank cartridges. 

The last document on record of this learned, philosophic, but 
unfortunate little man, is a long letter to the council of the 
Amphyctions, wherein, in the bitterness of his heart, he rails 
at the people of New-Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncourte- 
ous contempt of his protest, levelled at them for squatting 
within the province of their High Mightinesses. From this 
letter, which is a model of epistolary writing, abounding with 
pithy apophthegms and classic figures, my limits will barely 

\ * Haz. Col. State Papers- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, . 169 

allow me to extract the following recondite passage :—" Cer- 
tainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New-Hartford com- 
playninge of us, we seem to heare Esop's wolfe complayninge 
of the lamb, or the admonition of the yoimge man, who cryed 
out to his mother, chideing with her neighboures, 'Oh Mother 
revile her, lest she first take up that practice against you.' 
But being taught by precedent passages, we received such an 
answer to our protest from the inhabitants of New-Haven as 
we expected; the Eagle always despiseth the Beetle Fly; yet 
notwithstanding we do undauntedly continue on our purpose 
of pursuing our own right, by just arms and righteous means, 
and doe hope without scruple to execute the express commands 
of our superiors." * To show that this last sentence was not a 
mere empty menace, he concluded his letter by intrepidly pro- 
testing against the whole councU, as a horde of sqtoatters and 
interlopers, inasmuch as they held their meeting at New- 
Haven, or the Red-Hills, which he claimed as being within 
the province of the New-Netherlands. 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of Wil- 
liam the Testy— for henceforth, in the troubles, the perplexi- 
ties, and the confusion of the times, he seems to have' been 
totally overlooked, and to have slipped for ever through the 
fingers of scrupulous history. Indeed, for some cause or other 
which I cannot divine, there appears to have been a combina- 
tion among historians to sink his very name into oblivion, in 
consequence of which they have one and all forborne even to 
speak of his exploits. This shows how important it is for great 
men to cultivate the favour of the learned, if they are am- 
bitious of honour and renown. "Insult not the dervise," said 
a wise cahph to his son, " lest thou offend thine historian;" and 
many a mighty man of the olden time, had he observed so ob- 
vious a maxim, might have escaped divers cruel wipes of the 
pen, which have been drawn across his character. 

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that such dark- 
ness and obscurity should hang over the latter days of the 
illustrious Kieft — for he was a mighty and gi^eat little man, 
worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first 
potentate that introduced into this land the art of fighting by 
proclamation, and defending a country by trumpeters and 
windmills— an economic and humane mode of warfare, since 
revived with great applause, and which promises, if it can ever 

* Vide Haz. Col. State Papers. 



170 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TORK, 

be carried into full effect, to save great trouble and treasure, 
and spare infinitely more bloodshed than either the discovery 
of gunpowder, or the invention of torpedoes. 

It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom 
there were great numbers in the Nieuw-Nederlandts, taking ad- 
vantage of the mysterious exit of William the Testy, have 
fabled, that like Eomulus, he was translated to the skies, and 
forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on the left claw of 
the crab ; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had 
experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur; 
who, we are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to 
the delicious abodes of fairy land, where he still exists in pris- 
tine worth and vigour, and will one day or another return to 
restore the gallantry, the honour, and the immaculate probity 
which prevailed in the glorious days of the Eound Table.* 

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb 
visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would 
not have my judicious reader attach any credibility. Neither 
am I disposed to yield any credit to the assertion of an ancient 
and father apocryphal historian, who alleges that the ingen- 
ious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the blowing down of one of 
his windmills — nor to that of a writer of later times, who 
afiirms that he fell a victim to a philosophical experiment, 
which he had for many years been vainly striving to 
accomplish ; haviug the misfortune to break his neck from the 
garret- window of the stadt-house, in an ineffectual attempt to 
catch swallows, by sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails. 

The most probable account, and to which I am inclined to 
give my imphcit faith, is contained in a very obscure tradition, 
which declares, that what with the constant troubles on his 
frontiers — the incessant schemings and projects going on in his 
own pericranium — the memorials, petitions, remonstrances, 
and sage pieces of advice from divers respectable meetings of 
the sovereign people— together with the refractory disposition 
of his council, who were sure to differ from him on every point, 
and uniformly to be in the wrong — all these, I say, did eter- 



* The old Welch bards believed that king Arthui' was not dead, but carried awaie 
by the fairies into some pleasant place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then 
returne againe and reigne in as great authority as eYer.—Hollingshed. 

The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes, 
this is the prophicye of Merlyn— He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous; and 
said soth, for men thereof yet have doubte and shullen for ever more— for men wyt 
not whether that he ly veth or is dede.— De Leeiv Chron. 



A BISTORT OF NEW-Y^BK. 171 

nally operate to keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until 
he at length became as completely burnt out as a Dutch family 
pipe which has passed through three generations of hard 
smokers. In this manner did the choleric but magnanimous 
William the Testy undergo a kind of animal combustion, 
consuming away like a farthing rush-hght — so that, when grim 
Death finally snuffed him out, there was scarce left enough of 
him to bury 1 



172 ^ EI8T011T OF NEW-TORK. 



BOOK V. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST FART OF THE REIGN OF 
FETER STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH 
THE AMFHYCTIONIC COUNCIL. 



CHAPTEE L 

IN WHICH THE DEATH ,0F A GREAT MAN IS SHOWN TO BE NO 
VERY INCONSOLABLE MATTER OP SORROW — AND HOW PETER 
STUYVESANT ACQUIRED A GREAT NAME FROM THE UNCOMMON 
STRENGTH OF HIS HEAD. 

To a profound philosopher, like myself, who am apt to see 
clear through a subject, where the penetration of ordinary 
people extends but half-way, there is no fact more simple and 
manifest, than that the death of a great man is a matter of 
very little importance. Much as we may think of ourselves, 
and much as we may excite the empty plaudits of the million, 
it is certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but an 
exceeding small space in the world ; and it is equally certain, 
that even that small space is quickly supplied when we leave it 
vacant. " Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, "that indi- 
viduals appear or make their exit? the world is a theatre 
whose scenes and actors are continually changing." Never 
did philosopher speak more correctly ; and I only wonder that 
so wise a remark could have existed so many ages, and 
mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage follows on in 
the footsteps of sage ; one hero just steps out of his triumphal 
car to make way for the hero who comes after him ; and of 
the proudest monarch it is merely said, that— "he slept with 
his fathers, and his successor reigned in his stead." 

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their 
loss, and if left to itself would soon forget to grieve; and 
though a nation has often been figuratively drowned in tears 
on the death of a great man, yet it is ten chances to one if an 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK I73 

individual tear has been shed on the occasion, excepting from 
the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It is the historian, the 
biographer, and the poet, who have the whole burden of grief 
to sustain; who— kind souls!— Hke undertakers in England, 
act the part of chief mourners — who inflate a nation with sighs 
it never heaved, and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of 
shedding. Thus, while the patoiotic author is weeping and 
howling, in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and collecting 
the drops of public sorrow into liis volume, as into a lachrymal 
vase, it is more than probable his fellow-citizens are eating and 
drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly ignorant of the 
bitter lamentations made in their name, as are those men of 
straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for whom 
they are generously pleased on divers occasions to become 
sureties. 

The most glorious and praiseworthy hero that ever desolated 
nations, might have mouldered into oblivion among the rub- 
bish of his own momunent, did not some historian take him 
into favour, and benevolently transmit his name to posterity 
— and much as the valiant William Kieft worried, and bus- 
tled, and turmoiled, while he had the destinies of a whole 
colony in his hand, I question seriously whether he will not be 
obliged to this authentic history for all his future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New- Amster- 
dam or its vicinity: the earth trembled not, neither did any 
stars shoot from their spheres— the heavens were not shrouded 
in black, as poets would fain persuade us they have been on 
the unfortunate death of a hero — the rocks diard-hearted var- 
lets !) melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang their heads 
in silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he laid abed the next night, 
just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he arose, as he 
ever did on the same day of the month in any year, either be- 
fore or since. The good people of New-Amsterdam, one and 
all, declared tliat he had been a very busy, active, bustling 
little governor; that he was " the father of his country"— that 
he was "the noblest work of God" — that "he was a man, take 
him for all in all^ they ne'er should look upon his like again" — 
together with sundry other civil and affectionate speeches, 
that are regularly said on the death of all great men ; after 
which they smoked their pipes, thought no more about him, 
and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and, hke the renowned Wou- 
ter Van Twiller, he was also the best of our ancient Putch 



174 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

governors: Woiiter having surpassed all who preceded him, 
and Peter, or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old Dutch 
burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, having 
never been equalled by any successor. He was, in fact, the 
very man fitted by Nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes 
of her beloved province, had not the fates, those most potent 
and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters, destined them to inex- 
tricable confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great 
injustice— he was in truth a combination of heroes— for he was 
of a sturdy, rawbone make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of 
round shoulders that Hercules would have given his hide for, 
(meaning his lion's hide,) when he undertook to ease old Atlas 
of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch describes Corio- 
lanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but Mkewise 
of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; 
and like the self -same warrior, he possessed a sovereign con- 
tempt for the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was 
enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries 
quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency of 
appearance was inexpressibly heightened by an accidental ad- 
vantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer nor 
Virgil have graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less 
than a wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained, in 
bravely fighting the battles of his country, but of which he 
was so proud, that he was often heard to declare he valued it 
more than all his other limbs put together; indeed, so highly 
did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and relieved 
with silver devices, which caused it to be related in divers his- 
tories and legends that he wore a silver leg.* 

Like tliat choleric warrior, Achilles, he was somewhat sub- 
ject to extempore bursts of passion, which were ofttimes ra^ther 
unpleasant to his favourites and attendants, whose perceptions 
he was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illustrious imi- 
tator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders with his 
walking-staff. 

Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, 
or Hobbes, or Bacon, or 'Algernon Sidney, or Tom Paine, yet 
did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his 
measures, that one would hardly expect from a man who did 
not know Greek, and had never studied the ancients. True it 

* See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Blome. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 175 

is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreasonable 
aversion to experiments, and was fond of governing his pro- 
vince after the simplest manner— but then he contrived to 
keep it in better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he 
had all the philosophers ancient and modern to assist and per- 
plex him. I must likewise own that he made but very few 
laws, but then again he took care that those few were rigidly 
and impartially enforced— and I do not know but justice on 
the whole was as well administered as if there had been vol- 
umes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily neg- 
lected and forgotten. 

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predecessors, being 
neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, nor rest- 
less and fidgeting, like William the Testy; but a man, or 
rather a governor, of such uncommon activity and decision of 
mind that he never sought or accepted the advice of others ; 
depending confidently upon his single head, as did the heroes 
of yore upon their single arms, to work his way through all 
difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he wanted 
no other requisite for a perfect statesman, than to think always 
right, for no one can deny that he always acted as he thought ; 
and if he wanted in correctness, he made up for it in persever- 
ance — an excellent quality! since it is surely more dignified 
for a ruler to be persevering and consistent in error, than 
wavering and contradictory, in endeavouring to do what is 
right. This much is certain — and it is a maxim worthy the at- 
tion of all legislators, both great and small, who stand shaking 
in the wind, without knowing which way to steer — a ruler who 
acts according to his own will is sure of pleasing himself, while 
he who seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others, runs 
a great risk of pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, .. 
and points steadfastly^ in one direction, is certain of being right 
twice in the four-and-twenty hours— while others may keep^ 
going contimmlly, and continually be going wrong. 

Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the discernment of 
the good people of Nieuw-Nederlandts ; on the contrary, so high 
an opinion had they of the independent mind and vigorous in- 
tellect of their new governor, that they universally called him 
Hardkoppig Piet, or Peter the Headstrong— a great compli- 
ment to his understanding ! 

If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, worthy 
reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, valiant, 
weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern-sided, lion- 



176 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either I have written 
to but Uttle purpose, or thou art very dull at drawing con- 
clusions. 

This most excellent governor, whose character I have thus 
attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his administration 
on the 29th of May, 1647; a remarkably stormy day, distin- 
guished in all the almanacs of the time which have come down 
to us, by the name of Windy Friday. As he was very jealous 
of his personal and official dignity, he was inaugurated into 
office with great ceremony; the goodly oaken chair of the 
renowned Wouter Van Twiller being carefully preserved for 
such occasions, in like manner as the chair and stone were 
reverentially preserved at Schone, in Scotland, for the corona- 
tion of the Caledonian monarchs. 

I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous state of 
the elements, together with its being that unlucky day of the 
week, termed "hanging day," did not fail to excite much 
grave speculation and divers very reasonable apprehensions 
among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants; and 
several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be not a little 
skilled in the mysteries of astrology and fortune-telling, did 
declare outright that they were omens of a disastrous admin- 
istration — an event that came to be lamentably verified, and 
which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom of attending to 
those preternatural intimations furnished by dreams and vis- 
ions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of geese, 
on which the sages and rulers of ancient times placed such 
reliance — or to those shootings of stars, echpses of the moon, 
bowlings of dogs, and flarings of candles, carefully noted and 
interpreted by the oracular sybils of our day; who, in my 
humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and preservers 
of the ancient science of divination. This much is certain, 
that governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state at a 
turbulent period; when foes thronged and threatened from 
without; when anarchy and stiff-necked opposition reigned 
rampant within; when the authority of their High Mighti- 
nesses the Lords States General, though founded on the broad 
Dutch bottom of unoffending imbecility ; though supported by 
economy, and defended by speeches, protests and proclama- 
mations, yet tottered to its very centre ; and when the great city 
of New- Amsterdam, though fortified by flag-staffs, trumpeters, 
and windmflls, seemed like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lie 
open to attack, and ready to yield to the first invader. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORE. Yi^ 



CHAPTER II. 

SHOWING HOW PETER THE HEADSTRONG BESTIRRED HIMSELF 
AMONG THE RATS AND COBWEBS, ON ENTERING INTO OFFICE — 
AND THE PERILOUS MISTAKE HE WAS GUILTY OF, IN HIS DEAL- 

) INGS WITH THE AMPHYCTIONS. 

The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the 
reigns of government, displayed the magnanimity of his mind, 
though they occasioned not a Httle marvel and uneasiness 
among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding himself con- 
stantly interrupted by the opposition, and annoyed by the ad- 
vice, of his privy council, the members of which had acquired 
the unreasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves 
during the preceding reign, he determined at once to put a 
stop to such grievous abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had 
he entered upon his authority, than he turned out of office all 
those meddlesome spirits that composed the factious cabinet of 
Wilham the Testy ; in place of whom he chose unto himself 
counsellors from those fat, somniferous, respectable families, 
that had flourished and slumbered under the easy reign of 
Walter the Doubter. All these he caused to be furnished with 
abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent 
corporation dinners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and 
sleep for the good of the nation, while he took all the burden 
of government upon his own shoulders — an arrangement to 
which they gave hearty acquiescence. 

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the 
inventions and expedients of his learned predecessor — demol- 
ishing his flagstaffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, 
guarded the ramj^a^-ts of New- Amsterdam — pitching to the 
duyvel whole batteries of quaker guns — rooting up his patent 
gaUows, where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waist- 
band—and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philo- 
sophic, economic, and windmill system of the immortal sage 
of Saardem. 

The honest folks of New- Amsterdam began to quake now for 
the fate of their matchless champion, Antony the trumpeter, 
who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes of the women, 
by means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did Peter the 
Headstrong cause to be brought into his presence, and eyeing 



178 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. 

him for a moment from head to foot, with a comitenance that 
would have appalled any thing else than a sounder of brass — 
" Pry thee, who a,nd what art thou?" said he. — " Sire," rephed 
the other, in no wise dismayed, — " for my name, it is Antony 
Van Corlear — for my parentage, I am the son of my mother — 
for my profession, I am champion and garrison of this great 
city of New- Amsterdam." — "I doubt me much," said Peter 
Stuyvesant, " that thou art some scurvy costardmonger knave 
— how didst thou acquire this paramount honour and dignity?" 
— "Marry, sir," replied the other, "like many a great man 
before me, simply hy sounding my ovjn trumpet. ^^ — " Ay, is it 
so?" quoth the governor, "why, then, let us .have a relish of 
thy art." Whereupon he put his instrument to his lips, and 
sounded a charge with such a tremendous outset, such a de- 
lectable quaver, and such a triumphant cadence, that it was 
enough to make your heart leap out of your mouth only to be 
within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, while sport- 
ing in peaceful plains,' if by chance he hear the strains of niar- 
tial music, pricks up liis ears, and snorts and paws and kindles 
at the noise, so did the heroic soul of the mighty Peter joy to 
hear the clangour of the trumpet ; for of him might truly be 
said what was recorded of the renowned St. George of England, 
"there was nothing in all the world that more rejoiced his 
heart, than to hear the pleasant sound of war, and see the sol- 
diers brandish forth their steeled weapons." Casting his eyes 
more kindly, therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and find- 
ing him to be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, 
yet of great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway 
conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him from 
the troublesome duty of garrisoning, defending, and alarming 
the city, ever after retained him about his person, as his chief 
favourite, confidential envoy, and trusty 'squire. Instead of 
disturbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instructed to 
play so as to delight the governor while at his repasts, as did 
the minstrels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry — and on 
all pubhc occasions to rejoice the ears of the people Avith war- 
like melody — thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit. 
Many other alterations and reformations, both for the better 
and for the worse, did the governor make, of which ray time 
will not serve me to record the particulars ; suffice it to say, 
he soon contrived to make the province feel that he was its 
master, and treated the sovereign people with such tyrannical 
rigour, that they were all fain to hold their tongues, stay at 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. 179 

home, and attend to their business ; insomuch that party feuds 
and distinctions were ahnost forgotten, and many thriving 
keepers of taverns and dramshops were utterly ruined for 
want of business. 

Indeed, the critical state of pubHc affairs at this time de- 
manded the utmost vigilance and promptitude. The formida- 
ble council of the Amphyctions, which had caused so much 
tribulation to the unfortunate Kieft, still continued augment- 
ing its forces, and threatened to link within its union all the 
mighty principalities and powers of the east. In the very 
year following the inauguration of Governor Stuyvesant, a 
grand deputation departed from the city of Providence (fa- 
mous for its dusty streets and beauteous women,) in behalf 
of the puissant plantation of Ehode Island, praying to be ad- 
mitted into the league. 

The following mention is made of this application, in certain 
records of that assemblage of worthies, which are still extant.* 

"Mr. Will Cottington and captain Partridg of Rhoode-Iland 
presented this insewing request to the commissioners in 
wrighting — 

" Our request,and motion is in behalf e of Ehoode-Iland, that 
wee the Ilanders of Ehoode-Iland ma.y be rescauied into com- 
bination with all the united colonyes of New-England in a 
firme and perpetuaU league of friendship and amity of ofence 
and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all just occasions 
for our mutuaU safety and weUfaire, &c. 

Will Cottington, 
Alicxsander Partridg.^" 

There is certainly something in the very physiognomy of 
this document that might well inspire apprehension. The 
name of Alexander, however misspelt, has been warlike in 
every age ; and though its fierceness is iA some measure soft- 
ened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen of Partridge, 
still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an exceeding great re- 
semblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the 
letter, moreover, and the soldier-like ignorance of orthography 
displayed by the noble captain Alicxsander Partridg in spell- 
ing his own name, we may picture to ourselves this mighty 
man of Ehodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, and as 
great a scholar as though he had been educated among that 

* Haz. Col. State Papers. 



180 A HISTORY OF NEW-YpRK. 

learned people of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures us, could not 
count beyond the number four. 

But, whatever might be the threatening aspect of this 
famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to be 
kept in a state of incertitude and vague apprehension; he 
liked nothing so much as to meet danger face to face, and 
take it by the beard. Determined, therefore, to put an end 
to all these petty maraudings on the borders, he wrote two or. 
three categorical letters to the grand council ; which, though 
neither couched in bad Latin, nor yet graced by rhetorical 
tropes about wolves and lambs, and beetle-flies, yet had more 
effect than all the elaborate epistles, protests, and proclama- 
tions of his learned predecessor put together. In consequence 
of his urgent propositions, the great confederacy of the east 
agreed to enter into a final adjustment of grievances and set- 
tlement of boundaries, to the end that a perpetual and happy 
peace might take place between the two powers. For this 
purpose. Governor Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors to 
negotiate with commissioners from the grand council of the 
league; and a treaty was solemnly concluded at Hartford. 
On receiving intelligence of this event, the whole community 
was in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of the sturdy 
Van Corlear sounded all day with joyful clangour from the 
ramparts of Fort Amsterdam, and at night the city was mag- 
nificently illuminated with two hundred and fifty tallow can- 
dles ; besides a barrel of tar, which was burnt before the gov- 
ernor's house, on the cheering aspect of public affairs. 

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great and 
good Peter, congratulating himself with the idea, that his feel- 
ings will no longer be molested by afflicting details of stolen 
horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all the other cata- 
logue of heartrending cruelties that disgraced these border 
wars. But if he should indulge in such expectations, it is a 
proof that he is but little versed in the paradoxical ways of 
cabinets ; to convince him of which, I solicit his serious atten- 
tion to my next chapter, wherein I will show that Peter Stuy- 
vesant has already committed a great error in politics ; and by 
effecting a peace, has materially hazarded the tranquiUity of 
the province. 



A mSTOBT OF NBW-TORK. 131 



CHAPTER III. 

CONTAINING DIVERS SPECULATIONS ON WAR AND NEGOTIATIONS- 
SHOWING THAT A TREATY OF PEACE IS A GREAT NATIONAL 
EVIL. 

It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucretius, 
that war was the original state of man, whom he described as 
being primitively a savage beast of prey, engaged in a con- 
stant state of hostility with his own species ; and that this fe- 
rocious spirit was tamed and meliorated by society. The same 
opinion has been advocated by Hobbes ; * nor have there been 
wanting many other philosophers, to admit and defend it. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable 
speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet, in this 
instance, I am inclined to take the proposition by halves, be- 
lieving, with Horace,! that though war may have been origin- 
ally the favourite amusement and industrious employment of 
our progenitors, yet, hke many other excellent habits, so far 
from being mehorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed 
by refinement and civihzation, and increases in exact propor- 
tion as we approach towards that state of perfection which is 
the ne plus ultra of modern philosophy. 

The first conflict between man and man was the mere exer- 
tion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons— his arm 
was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head 
the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of unassisted 
strength was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and 
clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As man ad- 
vanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and his sen- 
sibilities became more exquisite, he grew rapidly more ingeni- 
ous and experienced in the art of murdering his feUow-beings. 
He invented a thousand devices to defend and to assault — the 
helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and 
the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound, as well as to 
lanch the blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant and philan- 



* Hobbes' Leviathan. Part i. chap. 13. 

t Quum prorepserunt primis animalia terns, 
Mutuum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, 
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
Pugnabant armis, quae post fabricaverat usus.— fibr. Sat. 1. i. s. 3. 



189 A HISTORY OF NBW-TORK. 

thropic career of invention, he enlarges and heightens his 
powers of defence and injury — the Aries, the Scorpio, the 
Bahsta, and the Catapulta, give a horror and subhmity to 
war, and magnify its glory by increasing its desolation. Still 
insatiable, though armed with machinery that seemed to reach 
the hmits of destructive invention, and to yield a power of 
injury commensurate even with the desires of revenge — still 
deeper researches must be made in the diabohcal arcana. 
With furious zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth ; he 
toils midst poisonous minerals and deadly salts — the sublime 
discovery of gunpowder blazes upon the world — and finally, 
the dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to endow 
the demon of war with ubiquity and omnipotence ! 

This, indeed, is grand!— this, indeed, marks the powers of 
mind, and bespeaks that divine endowm_ent of reason which 
distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. The un- 
enlightened brutes content themselves with the native force 
which Providence has assigned them. The angry bull butts 
with his horns, as did his progenitors before him — the lion, the 
leopard, and the tiger seek only with their talons and their 
fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury; and even the subtle 
serpent darts the same venom and uses the same wiles as 
did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed with the 
inventive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery — en- 
larges and multiplies his powers of destruction ; arrogates the 
tremendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to 
assist him in murdering his brother worm ! 

In proportion as the art of war has increased in improve- 
ment, has the art of preserving peace advanced in equal ratio ; 
and, as we have discovered, in this age of wonders and inven- 
tions, that a i^roclamation is the most formidable engine in 
war, so have we discovered the no less ingenious mode of 
maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations. 

A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a negotiation, there- 
fore, according to the acceptation of experienced statesmen, 
learned in these matters, is no longer an attempt to accommo- 
date differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish an equi- 
table exchange of kind offices ; but a contest of skill between 
two powers, which shall overreach and take in the other. It 
is a cunning endeavour to obtain, by peaceable manoeuvre and 
the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages which a nation 
would otherwise have wrested by force of arms; in the same 
manner that a conscientious highwayman reforms and becomes 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 133 

an excellent and praiseworthy citizen, contenting himself with 
cheating his neighbour out of that property he would formerly 
have seized with open violence. 

In fact, the only time when two nations can be said to be in 
a state of perfect amity, is when a negotiation is open and a 
treaty pending. Then, as there are no stipulations entered 
into, no bonds to restrain the will, no specific limits to awaken 
the captious jealousy of right implanted in our nature, as each 
party has some advantage to hope and expect from the other, 
then it is that the two nations are so gracious and friendly to 
each other ; their ministers professing the highest mutual re- 
gard, exchanging billetsdoux, making fine speeches, and in- 
dulging in all those diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fond- 
lings, that do so marvellously tickle the good-humour of the 
respective nations. Thus it may paradoxically be said, that 
there is never so good an understanding between two nations as 
when there is a httle misunderstanding — and that so long as 
there are no terms, they are on the best terms in the world. 

I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of having 
made the above pohtical discovery. It has, in fact, long been 
secretly acted upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, 
together with divers other notable theories, privately copied 
out of the common-place book of an illustrious gentleman, who 
has been member of Congress and enjoyed the unlimited con- 
fidence of heads of departments. To this principle may be 
ascribed the wonderful ingenuity that has been shown of late 
years in protracting and interrupting negotiations. Hence the 
cunning measure of appointing as ambassador some pohtical 
pettifogger skilled in delays, sophisms and misapprehensions, 
and dexterous in the art of baMng argument— or some blunder- 
ing statesman, whose errors and misconstructions may be a 
plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, 
that most notable expedient, so popular with our government, 
of sending out a brace of ambassadors ; who, having each an in- 
dividual will to consult, character to estabhsh, and interest to 
promote, you may as well look for unanimity and concord be- 
tween two lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, 
or two naked rogues with one pair of breeches. This disagree- 
ment, therefore, is continually breeding delays and impedi- 
ments, in consequence of which the negotiation goes on swim- 
mingly — ^insomuch as there is no prospect of its ever coming to 
a close. Nothing is lost by these delays and obstacles but 
time, and in a negotiation, according to the theory I have 



184 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-YORK. 

exposed, all time lost is in reality so much time gained — with 
what delightful paradoxes does modern political economy- 
abound ! 

Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true, that 
I almost blush to take up the time of my readers with treating 
of matters which must many a time have stared them in the 
face. But the proposition to which I would most earnestly call 
their attention, is this — that though a negotiation be the most 
harmonizing of all national transactions, yet a treaty of peace 
is a great political evil, and one of the most fruitful sources of 
war. 

I have rarely seen an instance of any special contract be- 
tween individuals, that did not produce jealousies, bickerings, 
and often downright ruptures between them ; nor did I ever 
know of a treaty between two nations, that did not occasion 
continual misunderstandings. How many worthy country 
neighbours have I known, who, after living in peace and good- 
fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust, 
cavilhng, and animosity, by some ill-starred agreement about 
fences, runs of water, and stray cattle. And how many well- 
meaning nations, who would otherwise have remained in the 
most amicable disposition towards each other, have been 
brought to sword's points about the infringement or miscon- 
struction of some treaty, which in an evil hour they had con- 
cluded by way of making their amity more sure ! 

Treaties, at best, are but comphed with so long as interest 
requires their fulfilment ; consequently, they are virtually bind- 
ing on the weaker party only, or, in plain truth, they are not 
binding at all. No nation Avill wantonly go to war with another, 
if it has nothing to gain thereby, and, therefore, needs no treaty 
to restrain it from violence ; and if it have any thing to gain, I 
much question, from what I have witnessed of the righteous 
conduct of nations, whether any treaty could be made so 
strong that it could not thrust the sword through— nay, I 
would hold, ten to one, the treaty itself would be the very 
source to which resort would be had, to find a pretext for hos- 
tilities. 

Thus, therefore, I conclude — that though it is the best of all 
policies for a nation to keep up a constant negotiation with its - 
neighbours, yet it is the summit of folly for it ever to be be- 
guiled into a treaty ; for then comes on the non-fulfilment and 
infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation, then retaha- 
tion, then recrimination, and finally open war. In a word, 



A HTSTOBT OF NEW-YORK. 185 

negotiation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant 
speeches, soft looks, and endearing caresses ; but the marriage 
ceremony is the signal for hostilities. 



CHAPTER IV. 



HOW PETER STUYVESANT WAS GREATLY BELIED BY HIS ADVER- 
SARIES, THE MOSSTROOPERS— AND HIS CONDUCT THEREUPON. 

If my pains-taking reader be not somewhat perplexed, in 
the course of the ratiocination of my last chapter, he will 
doubtless at one glance perceive that the great Peter, in con- 
cluding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guilty of a 
lamentable error and heterodoxy in politics. To this unlucky 
agreement may justly be ascribed a world of httle infringe- 
ments, altercations, negotiations, and bickerings, which after- 
wards took place between the irreproachable Stuyvesant, and 
the evil-disposed council of Amphyctions. All these did not a 
little disturb the constitutional serenity of the good burghers 
of Manna-hata ; but in sooth they were so very pitiful in their 
nature and effects, that a grave historian, who grudges the 
time spent in any thing less than recording the fall of empires, 
and the revolution of worlds, would th^nk them unworthy to 
be inscribed on his sacred page. 

The reader is, therefore, to take it for granted, though I 
scorn to waste in the detail that time which my furrowed 
brow and trembhng hand inform me is invaluable, that aU 
the while the great Peter was occupied in those tremendous 
and bloody contests that I shall shortly rehearse, there was a 
continued series of little, dirty, snivelling skirmishes, scour- 
ings, broils, and maraudings, made on the eastern frontiers^ 
by the mosstroopers of Connecticut. But, like that mirror of 
chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, I leave these 
petty contests for some future Sancho Panza of a historian, 
while I reserve my prowess and my pen for achievements of 
higher dignity. 

Now did the great Peter conclude, that his labours had come 
to a close in the east, and that he had nothing to do but apply 
himself to the internal prosperity of his beloved Manhattoes. 
Though a man of great modesty, he could not help boasting 
that he had at length shut the temple of Janus, and that, were 



186 ' ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

all rulers like a certain person who should be nameless, it 
would never be opened again. But the exultation of the 
worthy governor was put to a speedy check ; for scarce was 
the treaty concluded, and hardly was the ink dried on the 
paper, before the crafty and discourteous council of the league 
sought a new pretence for re-iUuniing the flames of discord. 

It seems to be the nature of confederacies, republics, and 
such hke powers, that want the" true masculine character, to 
indulge exceedingly in certain feminine panics and suspicions. 
Like some good lady of delicate and sickly virtue, who is in 
constant dread of having her vestal purity contaminated or 
seduced, and who, if a man do but take her by the hand, or 
look her in the face, is ready to cry out, rape ! and ruin ! — so 
these squeamish governments are perpetually on the alarm for 
the virtue of the country ; every manly measure is a violation 
of the constitution — every monarchy or other masculine gov- 
ernment around them is laying snares for their seduction ; and 
they are for ever detecting infernal plots, by which they were 
to be betrayed, dishonoured, and "brought upon the town." 

If any proof were wanting of the truth of these opinions, I 
would instance the conduct of a certain republic of our day ; 
who, good dame, has already withstood so many plots and 
conspiracies against her virtue, and has so often come near 
being made "no better than she should be." I would notice 
her constant jealousies pi poor old England, who, by her own 
account, has been incessantly trying to sap her honour; 
though, from my soul, I never could believe the honest old 
gentleman meant her any rudeness. Whereas, on the con- 
trary, I think I have several thnes caught her squeezing hands 
and indulging in certain amorous oglings with that sad fellow 
Buonaparte— who all the world knows to be a great despoiler 
of national virtue, to have ruined all the empires in his neigh- 
bourhood, and to have debauched every republic that came in ' 
his way— but so it is, these rakes seem always to gain singular 
favour with the ladies. 

But I crave pardon of my reader for thus wandering, and 
will endeavour in some measure to apply the foregoing re- 
marks ; for in the year 1651, we are told, the great confederacy 
of the east accused the immaculate Peter — the soul of honour 
and heart of steel— that by divers gifts and promises he had 
been secretly endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett, 
(or Narraganset) Mohaque, and Pequot Indians, to surprise 
and massacre the Yankee settlements. " For," as the coimcil 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 187 

slanderously observed, "the Indians round about for divers 
hundred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of an in- 
toxicating cupp, att or from the Manhatoes against the Eng- 
lish, whoe have sought their good, both in bodily and spiritual! 
respects. " 

History does not make mention how the great council of the 
Amphyctions came by this precious plot; whether it was 
honestly bought at a fair market price, or discovered by sheer 
good fortune — it is certain, however, that they examined 
divers Indians, who all swore to the fact as sturdily as though 
they had been so many Christian troopers; and to be more 
sure of their veracity, the sage council previously made every 
mother's son of them devoutly drunk, remembering an old 
and trite proverb, which it is not necessary for me to repeat. 

Though descended from a family which suffered much in- 
jury from the losel Yankees of those times— my great-grand- 
father having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer stolen, 
and having received a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose in 
one of these border wars ; and my grandfather, when a very 
little boy tending pigs, having been kidnapped and severely 
flogged by a long-sided Connecticut schoolmaster— yet I should 
have passed over all these wrongs with forgiveness and obli- 
vion — I could even have suffered them to have broken Evert 
Ducking's head, to have kicked the doughty Jacobus Van 
Curlet and his ragged regiment out of doors, carried every hog 
into captivity, and depopulated every hen-roost on the face of 
the earth, with perfect impunity.— But this wanton attack 
upon one of the most gallant and irreproachable heroes of 
modern times is too much even for me to digest, and has over- 
set, with a single puff, the patience of the historian, and the 
forbearance of the Dutchman. 

Oh, reader, it was false !— I swear to thee, it was false ! if 
thou hast any respect to my word— if the undeviating charac- 
ter for veracity, which I have endeavoured to maintain 
throughout this work, has its due weight with thee, thou wilt 
not give thy faith to this tale of slander; for I pledge my 
honour and my immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter 
Stuyvesant was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but 
would have suffered his right arm, or even his wooden leg, to 
consume with slow and everlasting flames, rather than at- 
tempt to destroy his enemies in any other way than open, 
generous warfare— beshrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired 
to sully his honest name by such an imputation. 



188 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

Peter Stiiyvesant, though he perhaps had never heard of a 
knight-errant, yet had he as true a heart of chivalry as ever 
beat at the round table of King Arthur. There was a spirit of 
native gallantry, a noble and generous hardihood diffused 
through his rugged manners, which altogether gave unques- 
tionable tokens of a heroic mind. He was, in truth, a hero of 
chivalry, struck off by the hand of Nature at a single heat, 
and though she had taken no further care to polish and refine 
her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle of her skill. 

But, not to be figurative, (a fault in historic writing which I 
particularly eschew,) the great Peter possessed, in an eminent 
degree, the seven renowned and noble virtues of knighthood, 
which, as he had never consulted authors in the disciplining 
and cultivating of his mind, I verily believe must have been 
implanted in the corner of his heart by dame Nature herself— 
where they flourished among his hardy quahties like so many 
sweet wild flowers, shooting forth and thriving with redundant 
luxuriance among stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of 
Peter the Headstrong, and if m.y admiration for it has, on this 
occasion, transported my style beyond the sober gravity 
which becomes the laborious scribe oi historic events, I can 
plead as an apology, that though a httle gray-headed Dutch- 
man arrived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of life, I 
still retain some portion of that celestial fire Avhich sparkles in 
the eye of youth, when contemplating the virtues and achieve- 
ments of ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times 
blessed be the good St. Nicholas— that I have escaped the influ- 
ence of that chilling apathy, which too often freezes the sym- 
pathies of age ; which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals 
of the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, and paralyzing 
every spontaneous glow of enthusiasm. 

No sooner, then, did this scoundrel imputation on his honour 
reach the ear of Peter Stuy vesant, than he proceeded in a man- 
ner which would have redounded to his credit, even though he 
had studied for years in the library of Don Quixote himself. 
He immediately despatched his valiant trumpeter and squire, 
Antony Van Corlear, with orders to ride night and day, as 
herald, to the Amphyctionic council, reproaching them, in 
terms of noble indignation, for giving ear to the slanders of 
heathen infidels, against the character of a Christian, a gentle- 
man, and a soldier — and declaring, that as to the treacherous 
and bloody plot alleged against him, whoever affirmed it to be 
true, lied in his teeth I— to prove which, he defied the president 



A msTonr of new-tork. 189 

of the council and all his compeers, or, if they pleased, their 
puissant champion, captain Alicxsander Partridg, that mighty 
man of Rhodes, to meet him in single combat, where he 
would trust the vindication of his mnocence to the prowess 
of his arm. 

This challenge being delivered with due ceremony, Antony 
Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance before the whole 
council, ending with a most horrific and nasal twang, full in 
the face of Captain Partridg, who almost jumj^ed out of his 
skin in an ecstasy of astonishment at the noise. This done, he . 
mounted a tall Flanders mare, wliich he always rode, and 
trotted merrily towards the Manhattoes — passing through 
Hartford, and Piquag, and Middletown, and all the other bor- 
der towns — ^twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so that the 
sweet valleys and banks of the Connecticut resounded with the 
warlike melody— and stopping occasionally to eat pumpkin 
pies, dance at country frolics, and bundle with the beauteous 
lasses of those parts — whom he rejoiced exceedingly with his 
soul-stirring instrument. 

But the grand council, being composed of considerate men, 
had no idea of running a tilting with such a fiery hero as the 
hardy Peter — on the contrary, they sent him an answer 
couched in the meekest, the most mild and provoking terms, 
in which they assured him that his guilt was proved to their 
perfect satisfaction, by the testimony of divers sober and 
respectable Indians, and concluding with this truly amia- 
ble paragraph — "For youre confidant denialls of the Barbarous 
plott charged will waigh little in balance against such evi- 
dence, soe that we must still require and seeke due satisfaction 
and cecurite, so we rest, Sir, 

Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c." 

I am aware that the above transaction has been differently 
recorded by certain historians of the east, and elsewhere ; who 
seem to have inherited the bitter enmity of their ancestors to 
the brave Peter— and much good may their inheritance do 
them. These declare, that Peter Stuyvesant requested to nave 
the charges against him inquired into, by commissioners to be 
appointed for the purpose ; and yet, that when such commis- 
sioners were appointed, he refused to submit to their examina- 
tion. In this artful account, there is but the semblance of 
truth — he did, indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he found 
a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, to submit his conduct to 
the rigorous inspection of a court of honour— but then he 



190 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

expected to find it an august tribunal, composed of courteous 
gentlemen, the governors and nobility of the confederate plan- 
tations, and of the province of New-Netherlands; where he 
might be tried by his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank 
and dignity — whereas, let me perish, if they did not send to 
the Manhattoes two lean-sided hungry pettifoggers, mounted 
on Narraganset pacers, with saddle-bags under their bottoms, 
and green satchels under their arms, as though they were 
about to beat the hoof from one county court to another in 
search of a law-suit. 

The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, took no notice of 
these cunning varlets ; who, with professional industry, fell to 
prying and sifting about, in quest of ex parte evidence ; per- 
plexing divers simple Indians and old women, with their cross- 
questioning, until they contradicted and forswore themselves 
most horribly. Thus having fulfilled their errand to their own 
satisfaction, they returned to the grand council with their 
satchels and saddle-bags stuffed full of villainous rumours, 
apocryphal stories, and outrageous calumnies,— for all which 
the great Peter did not care a tobacco-stopper ; but, I warrant 
me, had they attempted to play off the same trick upon Wil- 
liam the Testy, he would have treated them both to an aerial 
gambol on his patent gallows. 

The grand council of the east held a very solemn meeting, 
on the return of their envoys ; and after they had pondered a 
long time on the situation of affairs, were upon the point of 
adjourning without being able to agree upon any thing. At 
this critical moment, one of those meddlesome, indefatigable 
spirits, who endeavour to establish a character for patriotism 
by blowing the bellows of party, until the whole furnace of 
politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders— and who have just 
cunning enough to know that there is no time so favourable for 
getting on the people's backs as when they are in a state of 
turmoil, and attendmg to every body's business but their own 
—this aspiring imp of faction, who was called a great politi- 
cian, because he had secured a seat in council by calumniating 
all his opponents— he, I say, conceived this a fit opportunity to 
strike a blow that should secure his popularity among his con- 
stituents who lived on the borders of Nieuw-Nederlandt, and 
were the greatest poachers in Christendom, excepting the 
Scotch border nobles. Like a second Peter the Hermit, there- 
fore, he stood forth and preached up a crusade against Peter 
Stuyvesant and his devoted city. 



A BISTOBY OF NEW-TOBK. 191 

He made a speech which lasted six hours, according to the 
ancient custom in these parts, in which he represented the 
Dutch as a race of impious heretics, who neither beheved in 
witchcraft, nor the sovereign virtues of horse-shoes — who left 
their country for the lucre of gain, not like themselves, for the 
enjoyment of liberty of conscience — who, in short, were a race 
of mere cannibals and anthropophagi, inasmuch as they never 
eat cod-fish on Saturday, devoured swine's flesh without mo- 
lasses, and held pumpkins in utter contempt. 

This speech had the desired effect, for the council, being 
awakened by the sergeant-at-arms, rubbed their eyes, and de- 
clared that it was just and politic to declare instant war 
agaiQSt these unchristian anti-pumpkinites. But it was neces- 
sary that the people at large should first be prepared for this 
measure; and for this purpose the arguments of the orator 
were preached from the pulpit for several Sundays subse- 
quent, and earnestly recommended to the consideration of 
every good Christian, who professed as well as practiced the 
doctrines of meekness, charity, and the forgiveness of injuries. 
This is the first time we hear of the ' ' drum ecclesiastic" beat- 
ing up for political recruits in our country ; and it proved of 
such signal efficacy, that it has since been called into frequent 
service throughout our Union. A cunning politician is often 
found skulking under the clerical robe, with an outside all 
religion, and an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual 
and tilings temporal are strangely jumbled together, like poi- 
sons and antidotes on an apothecary's shelf ; and instead of a 
devout sermon, the simple church-going folk have often a po- 
litical pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled with a 
pious text from Scripture. 



CHAPTER V. 



HOW THE NEW-AMSTERDAMERS BECAME GREAT IN ARMS, AND 
OF THE DIREFUL CATASTROPHE OF A MIGHTY ARMY — TO- 
GETHER WITH PETER STUYVESANT'S MEASURES TO FORTIFY 
THE CITY— AND HOW HE WAS THE ORIGINAL FOUNDER OF THE 
BATTERY. 

But, notwithstanding that the gi-and council, as I have 
already shown, were amazingly discreet in their proceedings 
respecting the New-Netherlands, and conducted the whole 



192 A HI8T0RT OF NEW-YORK. 

with almost as much silence and mystery as does the sage 
British cabinet one of its ill-starred secret expeditions— jet did 
the ever-watchfiil Peter receive as full and accurate informa- 
tion of every movement as does the court of France of all the 
notable enterprises I have mentioned. He accordingly set 
himself to work, to render the machinations of his bitter ad- 
versaries abortive. 

I know that many will censure the precipitation of this 
stout-hea'i^ted old governor, in that he hurried into the ex- 
penses of fortification, T>dthout ascertaining whether they were 
necessary, by prudently waiting until the enemy was at the 
door. But they should recoUect that Peter Stuyvesant had not 
the benefit of an insight into the modern arcana of politics, 
and was strangely bigoted to certain obsolete maxims of the 
old school ; among which he firmly believed, that to render a 
country respected abroad, it was necessary to make it formid- 
able at home — and that a nation should place its reliance for 
peace and security more upon its own strength, than on the 
justice or good-will of its neighbours. He proceeded, therefore, 
with aU diligence, to put the province and metropolis in a 
strong posture of defence. 

Among the few remnants of ingenious inventions which 
remained from the days of William the Testy, were those 
impregnable bulwarks of public safety, militia laws ; by which 
the inhabitants were obliged to turn out twice a year, with 
such military equipments— as it pleased God; and were put 
under the command of very valiant tailors, and man- milliners, 
who though on ordinary occasions the meekest, pippin-hearted 
little men in the world, were very devils at parades and courts- 
martial, when they had cocked hats on their heads, and 
swords by their sides. Under the instructions of these peri- 
odical warriors, the gallant tram-bands made marvellous pro- 
ficiency in the mystery of gunpowder. They were taught to 
face to the right, to wheel to the left, to snap off empty fire- 
locks without winking, to turn a corner without any great 
uproar or irregularity, and to march through sun and rain 
from one end of the town to the other without flinching — until 
in the end they became so valorous, that they fired off blank 
cartridges, without so much as turning away their heads — 
could hear the largest field-piece discharged, without stopping 
their ears, or falhng into much confusion — and would even go 
through all the fatigues and perils of a summer day's parade, 
without having their ranks much thinned by desertion ! 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TOBK. 193 

True it is, the genius of this truly pacific people was so httle 
given to war, that during the intervals which occurred be- 
tween field days, they generally contrived to forget all the 
military tuition they had received; so that when they reap 
peared on parade, they scarcely knew the butt-end of the mus- 
ket from the muzzle, and invariably mistook the right shoul- 
der for the left— a mistake which, however, was soon obviated 
by chalking their left arms. But whatever might be their 
blunders and awkwardness, the sagacious Kieft declared them 
to be of but httle importance — since, as he judiciously observed, 
one campaign would be of more instruction to them than a 
hundred parades ; for though two-thirds of them might be food 
for powder, yet such of the other third as did not run away 
would become most experienced veterans. 

The great Stuyvesant had no particular veneration for the 
ingenious experiments and institutions of his shrewd predeces- 
sor, and among other things held the militia system in very 
considerable contempt, which he was often heard to call in 
joke — for he was sometimes fond of a joke — governor Kieft 's 
broken reed. As, however, the present emergency was press- 
ing, he was obliged to avail himself of such means of defence 
as were next at hand, and accordingly appointed a general in- 
spection and parade of the train-bands. But oh! Mars and 
Bellona, and all ye oftier powers of war, both great and small, 
what a turning out was here !— Here came men without offi- 
cers, and officers without men— long fowling-pieces, and short 
blunderbusses— muskets of all sorts and sizes, some without 
bayonets, others without locks, others without stocks, and 
many without either lock, stock, or barrel — cartridge-boxes, 
shot-belts, powder-horns, swords, hatchets, snicker-snees, 
crow-bars, and broomsticks, all mingled higgledy piggledy — 
like one of our continental armies at the breaking out of the 
revolution. 

This sudden transformation of a pacific community into a 
band of warriors, is doubtless what is meant, in modern days, 
by "putting a nation in armour," and "fixing it in an atti- 
tude"— in which armour and attitude it makes as martial a 
figure, and as likely to acquit itself with as much prowess as 
the renowned Sancho Panza, when suddenly equipped to de- 
fend his island of Barataria. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment with some such 
rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil ; but knowing, like 
a wise man, that all he had to do was to make the best out of a 



194 ^ HISTORY OF NBW-YORK. 

bad bargain, he determined to give his heroes a seasoning. 
Having, therefore, drilled them through the manual exercise 
over and over again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a quick 
march, and trudged his sturdy troops backwards and forwards 
about the streets of New- Amsterdam, and the fields adjacent, 
until their short legs ached, and their fat sides sw^eated again. 
But this was not all; the martial spirit of the old governor 
caught fire from the sprightly music of the fife, and he resolved 
to try the mettle of his troops, and give them a taste of the 
hardships of iron war. To this end he encamped them, as the 
shades of evening fell, upon a hill formerly called Bunker's 
Hill, at some distance from the town, with a full intention of 
initiating them into the discipline of camps, and of renewing, 
the next day, the toils and perils of the field. But so it came 
to pass, that in the night there fell a great and heavy rain, 
which descended in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty 
army strangely melted away before it; so that when Gaffer 
Phoebus came to shed his morning beams upon the place, saving- 
Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter. Van Corlear, scarce one 
was to be found of all the multitude that had encamped there 
the night before. 

This awful dissolution of his army would have appalled a 
commander of less nerve than Peter Stuyvesant ; but he con- 
sidered it as a matter of but small importance, though he 
thenceforward regarded the militia system with ten times 
greater contempt than ever, and took care to provide himself 
with a good garrison of chosen men, whom he kept in pay, of 
whom he boasted that they at least possessed the quality, in- 
dispensable in soldiers, of being water-proof. 

The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant was to strengthen 
and fortify New- Amsterdam. For this purpose, he caused to 
be built a strong picket fence, that reached across the island, 
from river to river, being intended to protect the city not 
merely from the sudden invasions of foreign enemies, but hke- 
wise from the incursions of the neighbouring savages.* 

Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the building of this 



* In an antique view of New- Amsterdam, taken some years after the above period, 
is a representation of this wall, which stretched along the course of Wall-street, so 
called in commemoration of this great bulwark. One gate, called the Land-Poort, 
opened upon Broadway, hard by where at present stands the Trinity Church; and 
another, called the Water-Poort, stood about where the Tontine Coflfee-House is at 
presenl^opening upon Smits Vleye, or as it is commonly called, Smith Fly, then a 
marshy valley, with a creek or inlet extending up what we call Maiden-lane. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 195 

wall to a later period, but they are wholly incorrect; for a 
memoranduni in the Stuyvesant manuscript, dated towards 
the middle of the governor's reign, mentions this wall particu- 
larly, as a very strong and curious piece of workmanship, and 
the admiration of all the savages in the neighbourhood. And 
it mentions, moreover, the alarming circumstance of a drove 
of stray cows breaking through the grand wall of a dark night; 
by which the whole community of New Amsterdam was 
thrown into a terrible panic. 

In addition to this great wall, he cast up several outworks to 
Fort Amsterdam, to protect the sea-board, at the point of the 
island. These consisted of formidable mud batteries, solidly 
faced, after the manner of the Dutch ovens, common in those 
days, with clam-shells. 

These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, came to be 
pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass and clover, 
and their high embankments overshadowed by wide-spreading 
sycamores, among whose foliage the little birds sported about, 
rejoicing the ear with their melodious notes. The old burghers 
would repair of an afternoon to smoke their pipes under the 
shade of their branches, contemplating the golden sun as he 
gradually sunk into the west, an emblem of that tranquil end 
towards which themselves were hastening— while the young 
men and the damsels of the town would take many a moon- 
light stroll among these favourite haunts, watching the silver 
beams of chaste Cynthia tremble along the calm bosom of the 
bay, or light up the white sail of some gliding bark, and inter- 
changing the honest vows of constant affection. Such was the 
origin of that renowned walk. The Battery, which, though 
ostensibly devoted to the purpose of war, has ever been conse- 
crated to the sweet dehghts of peace. The favourite walk of 
declining age — the healthful resort of the feeble invahd — the 
Sunday refreshment of the dusty tradesman — the scene of 
many a boyish gambol — the rendezvous of many a tender as- 
signation — the comfort of the citizen — the ornament of New- 
York, and the pride of the lovely island of Manna-hata. 



196 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOEK. 



CHAPTER VI. 

HOW THE PEOPLE OP THE EAST COUNTRY WERE SUDDENLY 
AFFLICTED WITH A DIABOLICAL EVIL— AND THEIR JUDICIOUS 
MEASURES FOR THE EXTIRPATION THEREOF. 

Having thus provided for the temporary security of New- 
Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden surprise, the 
gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, and, snapping his 
fingers, set the great council of Amphyctions, and their cham- 
pion, the doughty AUcxsander Partridg, at defiance. It is im- 
possible to say, notwithstanding, what might have been the is- 
sue of this affair, had not the council been all at once involved 
in sad perplexity, and as much dissension sown among its 
members, as of yore was stirred up in the camp of the brawling 
warriors of Greece. 

The councU of the league, as I have shown in my last chap- 
ter, had already announced its hostile determinations, and al- 
ready was the mighty colony of New-Haven, and the puissant 
town of Piquag, otherwise called Weathersfield — famous for its 
onions and its witches— and the great trading house of Hartford, 
and all the other redoubtable border towns, in a prodigious tur- 
moil, furbishing up their rusty fowling-pieces, and shouting 
aloud for war ; by which they anticipated easy conquests, and 
gorgeous spoils, from the little fat Dutch viQages. But this 
joyous brawMng was soon silenced by the conduct of the colony 
of Massachusetts. Struck with the gaUant spirit of the brave 
old Peter, and convinced by the chivalric frankness and heroic 
warmth of his vindication, they refused to beheve him guilty 
of the infamous plot most wrongfully laid at his door. With 
a generosity for which I would yield them immortal honour, 
they declared that no determination of the grand council of the 
league should bind the general court of Massachusetts to join 
in an offensive war which should appear to such general court 
to be unjust.* 

This refusal immediately involved the colony of Massachu- 
setts and the other combined colonies in very serious difficul- 
ties and disputes, and would no doubt have produced a dissolu- 
tion of the confederacy, but that the council of Amphyctions, 

* Haz. Col. state Papers. 



A BISTORT OF NEW-YORK I97 

finding that they could not stand alone, if mutilaifced hy the 
loss of so important a member as Massachusetts, were fain to 
abandon for the present their hostUe machinations against the 
Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy and the puissance 
of those confederacies, composed of a number of sturdy, self- 
willed, discordant parts, loosely banded together by a puny 
general government. As it was, however, the warlike towns 
of Connecticut had no cause to deplore this disappointment of 
their martial ardour ; for by my faith — though the combined 
powers of the league might have been too potent, in the end, 
for the robustious warriors of the Manhattoes— yet in thiC in- 
terim would the Hon-hearted Peter and his myrmidons have 
choked the stomachful heroes of Piquag with their own onions, 
and have given the other little border towns such a scouring, 
that I warrant they would have had no stomach to squat on 
the land, or invade the hen-roost of a New-Nederlander, for a 
century to come. 

Indeed, there was more than one cause to divert the atten- 
tion of the good people of the east from their hostile purposes ; 
for just about this time were they horribly beleaguered and 
harassed by the inroads of the prince of darkness, divers of 
whose liege subjects they detected lurking within their camp, 
all of whom they incontinently roasted as so many spies and 
dangerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, we are in- 
formed, that at this juncture the New-England provinces 
were exceedingly troubled by multitudes of losel witches, 
who wrought strange devices to beguile and distress the mul- 
titude; and notwithstanding numerous judicious and bloody 
laws had been enacted against all "solemn conversing or com- 
pacting with the divil, by way of conjuracon or the like,"* 
yet did the dark crime of witchcraft continue to increase to 
an alarming degree, that would almost transcend behef , were 
not the fact too well authenticated to be even doubted for an 
instant. 

What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this ter- 
rible art, which so long has baffled the painful researches and 
abstruse studies of philosophers, astrologers, alchymists, the- 
urgists, and other sages, was chiefly confined to the most igno- 
rant, decrepit, and ugly old women in the community, who 
had scarcely more brains than the broomsticks they rode 
upon. 

* New-Plymouth Record, 



198 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who love dearly 
to be in a panic, are not long in want of proofs fco support it- 
raise but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every head- 
ache, and indigestion, and overflowing of the bile, is pro- 
nounced the terrible epidemic. In like manner, in the pres- 
ent instance, whoever was troubled with colic or lumbago, was 
sure to be bewitched; and woe to any unlucky old woman 
that hved in his neighbourhood. Such a howling abomination 
could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed, and it accord- 
ingly soon attracted the fiery indignation of the sober and re- 
flective part of the community—more especially of those, who, 
whilome, had evinced so much active benevolence in the con- 
version of Quakers and Anabaptists. The grand council of 
the Amphyctions pubhcly set their faces against so deadly and 
dangerous a sin ; and a severe scrutiny took place after those 
nefarious witches, who were easily detected by devil's pinches, 
black cats, broomsticks, and the circumstance of their only 
being able to weep three tears, and those out of the left eye. 

It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, 
"for every one of which," says the profound and reverend 
Cotton Mather, in that excellent work, the History of New- 
England— "we have such a sufficient evidence, that no rea- 
sonable man in this whole country ever did question them ; 
and it will he unreasonable to do it in any other y^' 

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John Jos- 
selyn, Gent., furnishes us with unquestionable facts on this 
subject. "There are none," observes he, "that beg in this 
country, but there be witches too many— bottle-bellied witches 
and others, that produce many strange apparitions, if you will 
believe report, of a shallop at sea manned with women — and 
of a ship, and great red horse standing by the mainmast; the 
ship being in small cove to the eastward, vanished of a sud- 
den," etc. 

The number of delinquents, however, and their magical de- 
vices, were not more remarkable than their diabolical obsti- 
nacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, persuasive, and 
affectionate manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be 
burnt for the good of religion, and the entertainment of the 
pubHc ; yet did they most pertinaciously persist in asserting 
their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself de- 
serving of immediate punishment, and was sufficient proof, if 

* Mather's Hist. New-Eng.,b. 6, ch. 7, 



A HISTOilT OF NEW-TOBK. 199 

proof were necessary, that they were in league with the devil, 
who is perverseness itself. But their judges were just and 
merciful, and were deteriiained to punish none that were not 
convicted on the best of testimony ; not that they needed any 
evidence to satisfy their own minds, for, like true and experi- 
enced judges, their minds were perfectly made up, and they 
were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners, before 
they proceeded to try them ; but still something was necessary 
to convince the community at large — to quiet those prying 
quidnuncs who should come after them— in short, the world 
must be satisfied. Oh, the world— the world !— all the world 
knows the world of trouble the world is eternally occasioning ! 
— The worthy judges, therefore, were driven to the necessity 
of sifting, detecting, and making evident as noon-day, matters 
which were at the commencement ail clearly understood and 
firmly decided upon in their own pericraniums —so that it may 
truly be said that the witches were burnt to gratif}^ the popu- 
lace of the day— but were tried for the satisfaction of the whole 
world that should come after them. 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound reason, 
nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these hardened offend- 
ers, they resorted to the more urgent arguments of the tor- 
ture, and having thus absolutely wrung the truth from their 
stubborn lips; they condemned them to undergo the roasting 
due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even 
carried their perverseness so far as to expire under the torture, 
protesting their mnocence to the last ; but these were looked 
upon as thoroughly and absolutely possessed by the devil, and 
the pious by-standers only lamented that they had not lived a 
little longer, to have perished in the flames. 

In the city of Ephesus, v/e are told that the plague was ex- 
pelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom Appo- 
lonius pointed out as being the evil spirit that caused it, and 
who actually showed himself to be a demon, by changing into 
a shagged dog. In lik«e manner, and by measures equally sa- 
gacious, a salutary check was given to this growing evil. The 
witches were all burnt, banished, or panic-struck, and in a 
little while there was not an ugly old woman to be found 
throughout New-England— which is doubtless one reason why 
all the young women there are so handsome. Those honest 
folk who had suffered from their incantations gradually recov- 
ered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and 
arches, which, however, assumed the less alarming aspect of 



200 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOEK. 

rheumatism, sciatics, and lumbagos— and the good people of 
New-England, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, 
turned their attention to the more profitable hocus-pocus of 
trade, and soon became expert in the legerdemain art of turn- 
ing a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven is dis- 
cernible, even unto this day, in their characters — witches oc- 
casionally start up among them in different disguises, as 
physicians, civiHaris, and divines. The people at large show 
a keenness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom that 
savours strongly of witchcraft— and it has been remarked, 
that whenever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part 
of them are sure to tumble into New-England ! 



CHAPTER VII. 



WHICH RECORDS THE RISE AND RENOWN OF A VALIANT COM- 
MANDER, SHOWING THAT A MAN, LIKE A BLADDER, MAY BE 
PUFFED UP TO GREATNESS AND IMPORTANCE BY MERE WIND. 

When treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a vehe- 
ment apostrophe, in praise of the good St. Nicholas ; to whose 
protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange dissensions 
that broke out in the council of the Amphyctions, and the 
direful witchcraft that prevailed in the east country— whereby 
the hostile machinations against the Nederlanders were for a 
time frustrated, and his favourite city of New-Amsterdam 
preserved from imminent peril and deadly warfare. Darkness 
and lowering superstition hung over the fair valleys of the 
east ; the pleasant bank»s of the Connecticut no longer echoed 
with the sounds of rustic gayety; direful phantoms and por 
teutons apparitions were seen in the air— gliding spectrums 
haunted every wild brook and dreary glen— strange voices, 
made by viewless forms, were heard in desert sohtudes— and 
the border towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing 
the knowing old women who had produced these alarming ap- 
pearances, that for a while the province of Nieuw-Nederlandt 
and its inhabitants were totally forgotten. 

The great Peter, therefore, finding that nothing was to be 
mimediately apprehended from his eastern neighbours, turned 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 201 

himself about, with a praiseworthy vigilance that ever dis- 
tinguished him, to put a stop to the insults of the Swedes. 
These freebooters, my attentive reader will recollect, had be- 
gun to be very troublesome towards the latter part of the reign 
of William the .Testy, having set the proclamations of that 
doughty httle governor at nought,- and put the intrepid Jan 
Jansen Alpendam to a perfect nonplus ! 

Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been shown, was 
a governor of different habits and turn of mind — without more 
ado, he immediately issued orders for raising a corps of troops 
to be stationed on the southern frontier, under the command 
of brigadier-general Jacobus Van Poffenburgh. This illustri- 
ous warrior had risen to great importance during the reign of 
Wilhelmus Kieft, and if histories speak true, was second in 
command to the hapless Van Curlet, when he and his ragged 
regiment were inhumanly kicked out of Fort Good Hope by 
the Yankees, In consequenqe of having been in such a "mem- 
orable affair," and of having received more wounds on a cer- 
tain honourable part that shall be nameless than any of his 
comrades, he was ever after considered as a hero, who had 
"seen some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the unhmited 
confidence and friendship of "William the Testy; who would 
sit for hours, and listen with wonder to his gunpowder narra- 
tives of surprising victories— he had never gained ; and dread- 
ful battles— from which he had run away. 

It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that 
heaven had infused into some men at their birth a portion of 
intellectual gold; into others of intellectual silver; while others 
were bounteously furnished out with abundance of brass and 
iron— now of this last class was undoubtedly the great Gen- 
eral Van Poffenburgh; and from the display he continually 
made thereof, I am inclined to think that dame Nature, who 
will sometimes be partial, had blessed him with enough of 
those valuable materials to have fitted up a dozen ordinary 
braziers. But what is most to be admired is, that he contrived 
to pass off aU his brass and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who 
was no great judge of base coin, as pure and genuine gold. 
The consequence was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus 
Van Curlet, who, after the loss of Fort Good Hope, retired, 
like a veteran general, to live imder the shade of his laurels, 
the mighty "copper captain" was promoted to his station. 
This he filled with great importance, always styling himself 
conamander-in-chief of the armies of New NetHferlands ;" though. 



202 -4 SISTOnt OF NEW'TOM. 

to tell the truth, the armies, or rather army, consisted of ^ 
handful of hen-stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins. 

Such was the character of the warrior appointed by Peter 
Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier; nor may it be un- 
interesting to my reader to have a glimpse of his person. He 
was not very tall, but notwithstanding, a huge, full-bodied 
man, whose bulk did not so much arise from his being fat, as 
windy, being so completely inflated with his own importance^ 
that he resembled one of those bags of wind which ^olus, in 
an incredible fit of generosity, gave to that wandering warrior 



His dress comported with his character, for he had almost 
as much brass and copper without as nature had stored away 
within — his coat was crossed and slashed, and carbonadoed 
with stripes of copper lace, and swathed round the body with 
a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fishing-net, doubt- 
less to keep his vaUant heart from bursting through his ribs. 
His head and whiskers were profusely powdered, from the 
midst of which his full-blooded face glowed Hke a fiery fur- 
nace ; and his magnanimous soul seemed ready to bounce out 
at a pair of large, glassy, bhnking eyes, which projected like 
those of a lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not this war- 
rior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen 
him accoutred cap-a-pie, in martial array — booted to the mid- 
dle — sashed to the chin— collared to the ears— whiskered to the 
teeth— crowned with an overshadov/ing cocked hat, and girded 
with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from "which trailed a 
falchion, of a leng*th that I dare not mention. Thus equipped, 
he stinitted about, as bitter-looking a man of war as the far- 
famed More of More Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all 
points, to slay the Dragon of Wantley.* 

Notwithstanding all these great endowments and transcend- 
ent qualities of this renowned general, I must confess he was 
not exactly the kind of man that the gallant Peter would have 

* " Had you but seen him in his dress, 
How fierce he look'd and how big; 
You would have thought him for to be 
Some Egyptian Porcupig. 

" He frighted all, cats, dogs, and all, 
Each cow, each horse, and each hog; 
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be 
Some strange outlandish hedge-hog." 

—Ballad of Drag, of Want 



A BISTORT OP NEW-TOBK. 2()3 

chosen to command his troops— but the truth is, that in those 
days the province did not abound, as at present, in gi*eat mili- 
tary characters ; who, hke so many Cinctnnatuses, people every 
Httle village — marshalhng out cabbages instead of soldiers, and 
signahzing themselves in the corn-field, instead of the field of 
battle ; — who have surrendered the toils of war for the more 
useful but inglorious arts of peace ; and so blended the laurel 
with the olive, that you may have a general for a landlord, a 
colonel for a stage-driver, and your horse shod by a valiant 
" captain of volunteers. " The redoubtable General Van Poif en- 
burgh, therefore, was appointed to the command of the new- 
levied troops, cliiefiy because there were no competitors for the 
station, and partly because it would have been a breach of 
military etiquette to have appointed a younger officer over his 
head — an injustice which the great Peter would have rather 
died than have conunitted. 

No sooner did this thrice-valiant copper captain receive 
marching orders, than he conducted his army undaimtedly to 
the southern frontier ; through wild lands and savage deserts ; 
over insurmountable mountains, across impassable floods, and 
through impenetrable forests; subduing a vast tract of unin- 
habited country, and encountering more perils, according to his 
own account, than did ever the great Xenophon in his far- 
famed retreat with his ten thousand Grecians. All this ac- 
comphshed, he estabhshed on the South (or Delaware) river, a 
redoubtable redoubt, named Fort Casimir, in honour of a 
favourite pair of brimstone-coloured trunk breeches of the 
governor. As this fort will be found to give rise to very im- 
portant and interesting events, it may be worth while to notice 
that it was afterwards called Nieuw-Amstel, and was the ori- 
ginal germ of the present flourishing town of New-Castle, 
an appellation erroneously substituted for No Castle^ there 
neither being, nor ever having been, a castle, or any thing of 
the kind, upon the premises. 

The Swedes did not suffer tamely this menacing movement 
of the Nederlanders ; on the contrary, Jan Printz, at that time 
governor of New-Sweden, issued a protest against what he 
termed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. But Van Pof- 
fenburgh had become too well versed in the nature of procla- 
mations and protests, while he served under Wflliam the Testy, 
to be in any wise daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress 
being finished, it would have done any man's heart good to be- 
hold into what a magnitude he immediately swelled. He would 



204 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-YOBK 

stride in and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front and 
in rear ; on this side and on that. Then would he dress himself in 
full regimentals, and strut backwards and forwards, for hours 
together, on the top of his Httle rampart — like a vain-glorious 
cock-pigeon, vapouring on the top of his coop. In a word, un- 
less my readers have noticed, with curious eye, the petty com- 
mander of one of our little, snivelling miUtary posts, swelHng 
with aU the vanity of new regimentals, and the pomposity 
derived from commanding a handful of tatterdemalions, I de- 
spair of giving them any adequate idea of the prodigious dig- 
nity of General Von Poffenburgh. 

It is recorded, in the delectable romance of Pierce Forest, that 
a young knight being dubbed by king Alexander, did inconti- 
nently gallop into an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees 
with such might and main, that the whole court was convinced 
that he was the most potent and courageous gentleman on the 
face of the earth. In like manner the great Van Poffenburgh^ 
would ease off that valorous spleen, which like wind is so apt to 
grow so unruly in the stomachs of new-made soldiers, impel- 
ling them to box-lobby brawls and broken-headed quarrels. 
For at such times, when he found his martial spirit waxing hot 
within him, he would prudently sally forth into the fields, and 
lugging out his trusty sabre, would lay about him most lustily, 
decapitating cabbages by platoons ; hewing down whole pha- 
lanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes ; and if, 
peradventure, he espied a colony of honest, big-belhed pump- 
kins quietly basking themselves in the sun, "Ah, caitiff Yan- 
kees," would he roar, "have I caught ye at last?" — so saying, 
with one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhappy 
vegetables from their chins to their waistbands ; by which war- 
like havoc his choler being in some sort aUayed, he would 
return to his garrison with a fuU conviction that he was a very 
miracle of military prowess. 

The next ambition of General Van Poffenburgh was to be 
thought a strict disciplinarian. Well knowing that disci- 
pHne is the soul of aU military enterprise, he enforced it with 
the most rigorous precision; obliging every man to turn out 
his toes and hold up his head on parade, and prescribing the 
breadth of their rufiSes to all such as had any shirts to their 
backs. 

Having one day, in the course of his devout researches in 
the Bible, (for the pious Eneas himself could not exceed him in 
outward religion,) encountered the history of Absalom and his 



A HISTORY OF MEW- YORK. 205 

melancholy end, the general, in an evil hour, issued orders for 
cropping the hair of both officers and men throughout the gar- 
rison. Now it came to pass, that among his officers was one 
Eildermeester, a sturdy veteran, who had cherished, through 
the course of a long life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little re- 
sembHng the shag of a Newfoundland dog, terminating with 
an immoderate queue like the handle of a frying-pan; and 
queued so tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth gener- 
ally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top of 
his forehead. It may naturally be supposed that the possessor 
of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence an 
order condemning it to the shears. On^ hearing the general 
orders, he discharged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths, 
and dunder and blixums — swore he would break any man's 
head who attempted to meddle with his tail— queued it stiff er 
than ever, and whisked it about the garrison as fiercely as the 
tail of a crocodile. 

The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester became instantly an 
affair of the utmost importance. The commander-in-chief was 
too enlightened an officer not to perceive that the disciphne of 
the garrison, the subordination and good order of the armies 
of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, the consequent safety of the whole 
province, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of then* 
High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, but above all, the 
dignity of the great General Van Poffenburgh, all imperiously 
demanded the docking of that stubborn queue. He therefore 
determined that old Kildermeester should be publicly shorn of 
his glories in the presence of the whole garrison — the old man 
as resolutely stood on the defensive — whereupon the general, 
as became a gTeat man, was highly exasperated, and the offen- 
der was arrested and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, de- 
sertion, and all the other list of offences noticed in the articles 
of war, ending with a " videhcet, in wearing an eel-skin queue, 
three feet long, contrary to orders." — Then came on arraign- 
ments, and trials, and pleadings ; and the whole country was in 
a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known 
that the commander of a distant frontier post has the power of 
acting pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt that 
the veteran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he 
not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere chagrin and mor- 
tification—and most flagitiously deserted from all earthly com- 
mand, with his beloved locks unviolated. His obstinacy re- 
jnained unshaken to the very last moment, when he directed^ 



206 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

that lie should he carried to his grave with his eel-skin queue 
sticking out of a hole in his coffin. 

This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit as 
an excellent disciplinarian, but it is* hinted that he was ever 
after subject to bad dreams and fearful visitations in the night 
—when the grizzly spectrum of old Kildermeester would stand 
sentinel by his bed-side, erect as a pump, his enormous queue 
strutting out Hke the handle. 



A mSTOET OF NEW-tOBK. ^ 207 



BOOK VI. 

CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF 
PETER THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT 
ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELA WARE. 



CHAPTER I. 



IN WHICH IS EXHIBITED A WARLIKE PORTRAIT OF THE GREAT 
PETER— AND HOW GENERAL VAN POFPENBURGH DISTINGUISHED 
HIMSELF AT FORT CASIMIR. 

Hitherto, most venerable and courteous reader, have I 
shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyvesant, 
under the mild moonshine of peace, or rather the grim tran- 
quillity of awful expectation ; but now the war-dinim rumbles 
from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the 
rude clash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming 
troubles. The gaUant warrior starts from soft repose, from 
golden visions, and voluptuous ease; where, in the dulcet, 
*' piping time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his 
toils. No more in beauty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair 
garlands for his lady's brows ; no more entwines with flowers 
his shining sword, nor through the live-long lazy summer's day 
chants forth his lovesick soul in madrigals. To manhood 
roused, he spurns the amorous flute; doffs from his brawny 
back the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered hmbs in 
panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle 
waved, where wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears 
the beaming casque and nodding plume; grasps the bright 
shield and shakes the ponderous lance ; or mounts with eager 
pride his fiery steed, and bums for deeds of glorious chivalry ! 

But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you imagine, 
that any preux chevalier, thus hideously begirt with iron, 
existed in the city of New- Amsterdam. This is but a lofty and 
gigantic mode in which heroic writers always talk of war, 
thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspect; equipping our 



^Og A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such like out- 
landish and obsolete weapons, the like of which perchance they 
had never seen or heard of; in the same manner that a cunning 
statuary arrays a modern general or an admiral in the ac- 
coutrements of a Csesar or an Alexander. The simple truth, 
then, of aU this oratorical flourish is this— that the valiant 
Peter Stuy vesant all of a sudden found it necessary to scour 
his trusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scabbard, 
and prepare himself to. undergo those hardy toils of war in 
which his mighty soul so much delighted. 

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination^- 
or rather, I behold his goodly portrait, which still hangs up in 
the family mansion of the Stuy vesants— arrayed in all the ter- 
rors of a true Dutch general. His regimental coat of German 
blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly show of large brass 
buttons reaching from his waistband to his chin. The volum- 
inous skirts turned up at the corners, and separating gallantly 
behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brim- 
stone-coloured trunk breeches— a graceful style still prevalent 
among the warriors of our day, and which is in conformity to 
the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves 
in the rear. His face rendered exceedingly terrible and war- 
like by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on 
each side in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in a 
rat-tail queue below his waist ; a shining stock of black leather 
supporting his chin, and a Httle but fierce cocked hat stuck 
with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. Such was the 
chivalric port of Peter the Headstrong; and when he made a 
sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with 
his wooden leg inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order 
to strengthen his position, his right hand grasping a gold- 
headed cane, his left resting upon the pummel of his sword ; 
his head dressing spiritedly to the right, with a most appalling 
and hard-favoured frown upon his brow — ^he presented al- 
together one of the most commanding, bitter-looking, and 
soldier-like figures that ever strutted upon canvas. Proceed 
we now to inquire the cause of this warhke preparation. 

The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on the South, or 
Delaware river, has been duly recorded in the chronicles of 
the reign of William the Testy. These encroachments having 
been endured with that heroic magnanimity which is the 
corner-stone of true courage, had been repeatecUy and wickedly 
aggravated. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 209 

The Swedes, who were of that class of cunning pretenders 
to Christianity, who read the Bible upside-down, whenever it 
interferes with their interests, inverted the golden maxim, and 
when their neighbour suffered them to smite him on the one 
cheek, they generally smote him on the other also, whether 
turned to them or not. Their repeated aggressions had been 
among the numerous sources of vexation that conspired to keep 
the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kief t in a constant fever, 
and it was only owing to the unfortunate circumstance, that he 
had always a hundred things to do at once, that he did not take 
such unrelenting vengeance as their offences merited. But 
they had now a chieftain of a different character to deal with ; 
and they were soon guilty of a piece of treachery, that threw 
his honest blood .into a ferment, and precluded all further 
sufferance. 

Printz, the governor of the province of New-Sweden, being 
either deceased or removed, for of this fact some uncertainty 
exists, was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and who, 
had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-footed, might 
have served for the model of a Samson or a Hercules. He was 
no less rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as he was 
rapacious; so that, in fact, there is very little doubt, had he 
hved some four or ive centuries before, he would have been 
one of those wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure in 
pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding about the world, 
and locking them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet, a 
change of linen, or any other convenience^ — in consequence of 
which enormities, they fell under the high displeasure of 
chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were instructed 
to attack and slay outright any miscreant fchey might happen 
to find, above six feet high ; which is doubtless one reason that 
the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the generations of 
latter ages so exceeding small. 

No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon his oflSce, than 
he immediately cast his eyes upon the important post of Fort 
Casimir, and formed the righteous resolution of taking it into 
his possession. The only thing that remained to consider, was 
the mode of carrying his resolution into effect ; and here I must 
do him the justice to say, that he exhibited a humanity rarely 
to be met with among leaders, and which I have never seen 
equalled in modern times, excepting among the English, in 
their glorious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to spare the 
effusion of blood, and the miseries of open warfare, he benevo- 



210 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

lently shunned everything like avowed hostiKty or regular 
siege, and resorted to the less glorious, but more merciful 
expedient of treachery. 

Under pretence, therefore, of paying a neighbourly visit to 
General Van Poff enburgh, at his new post of Fort Casimir, he 
made requisite preparation, sailed in great state up the Dela- 
ware, displayed his flag with the most ceremonious punctiho, 
and honoured the fortress with a royal salute, previous to 
dropping anchor. The unusual noise awakened a veteran 
Dutch sentinel, who was napping faithfully at his post, and 
who, having suffered his match to go out, contrived to return 
the compliment, by discharging his rusty musket with the 
spark of a pipe, which he borrowed from one of his comrades. 
The salute indeed would have been answered by the guns of the 
fort, had they not unfortunately been out of order, and the mag- 
azine deficient in ammunition — accidents to which forts have 
in all ages been liable, and which were the more excusable 
in the present instance, as Fort Casimir had only been erected 
about two years, and General Van Poffenburgh, its mighty 
commander, had been fully occupied with matters of much 
greater importance. 

Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply to his 
salute, treated the fort to a second, for he well knew its com- 
mander was marvellously delighted with these little ceremo- 
nials, which he considered as so many acts of homage paid 
unto his greatness. He then landed in great state, attended 
by a suite of thirty men — a prodigious and vain-glorious 
retinue, for a petty governor of a petty settlement, in those 
days of primitive simpHcity ; and to the full as great an army 
as generally swells the pomp and marches in the rear of our 
frontier commanders, at the present day. 

The number, in fact, might have awakened suspicion, had 
not the mind of the great Van Poffenburgh been so completely 
engrossed with an all-pervading idea of himself, that he had 
not room to admit a thought besides. In fact, he considered the 
concourse of Risingh's followers as a compliment to himself— 
so apt are great men to stand between themselves and the sun, 
and completely eclipse the truth by their own shadow. 

It may readily be imagined how much General Van Poffen- 
burgh was flattered by a visit from so august a personage ; his 
only embarrassment was, how he should receive him in such a 
manner as to appear to the greatest advantage, and make the 
most advantageous impression. The main guard was ordered 



A BISTORT OF NEW- YORK gH 

immediately to turn out, and the arms and regimentals (of 
which the garrison possessed full half-a-dozen suits) were 
equally distributed among the soldiers. One tall lank fellow 
appeared in a coat intended for a small man, the skirts of 
which reached a httle below his waist, the buttons were 
between his shoulders, and the sleeves half-way to his wrists, 
so that his hands looked hke a couple of huge spades— and the 
coat, not being large enough to meet in front, was linked 
together by loops, made of a pair of red worsted garters. An- 
other had an old cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and 
decorated with a bunch of cocks' tails — a third had a pair of 
rusty gaiters hanging about his heels— while a fourth, who was 
short and duck-legged, was equipped in a huge pair of the gen- 
eral's cast-off breeches, which he held up with one hand, while 
he grasped his firelock with the other. The rest were accoutred 
in similar style, excepting three graceless ragamuffins, who 
had no shirts, and but a pair and a half of breeches between 
them, wherefore they were sent to the black hole to keep them 
out of view. There is nothing in which the talents of a pru- 
dent commander are more completely testified, than in thus 
setting matters off to the greatest advantage ; and it is for this 
reason that our frontier posts of the present day (that of 
Niagara for example) display their best suit of regimentals on 
the back of the sentinel who stands in sight of travellers. 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed— those who lacked 
muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and every man 
being ordered to- tuck in his shirt-tail and pull up his brogues 
—General Van Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of 
foaming ale, which, hke the magnanimous "More of Morehall,* 
was his invariable practice on all great occasions — which done, 
he put himself at their head, ordered the pine planks, which 
served as a draw-bridge, to be laid down, and issued forth 
from his castle like a mighty gia^nt just refreshed with wine. 
But when the two heroes met, then began a scene of warhke 
parade and chivalric courtesy that beggars all description— 
Risingh, who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, cunning poli- 
tician, and had grown gray much before his time, in conse- 
quence of his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion 



as soon as he rose, 



To make him strong and mighty, 
He drank by the tale, six pots of ale 
And a quart of aqua-vitae," 



212 A HISTORY OF NEW-TORE. 

of the great Van Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all his 
valorous fantasies. 

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of 
each other ; they carried arms and they presented arms ; they 
gave the standing salute and the passing salute — they rolled 
their drums and flourished their fifes, and they waved their 
colours — they faced to the left, and they faced to the right, and 
they faced to the right about— they wheeled forward, and they 
wheeled backward, and they wheeled into echellon — ^they 
marched and they countermarched, by grand divisions, by 
single divisions, and by sub-divisions — by platoons, by sections, 
and by files— in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at 
all : for, having gone through all the evolutions of two great 
armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas, having 
exhausted all that they could recollect or imagine of military 
tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the 
like of which was never seen before nor since, excepting among 
certain of our newly-raised militia, the two great commanders 
and their respective troops came at length to a dead halt, com- 
pletely exhausted by the toils of war. Never did two valiant 
train-band captains, or two buskined theatric heroes, in the re- 
nowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other 
heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal their gaUows-looking, 
duck-legged, heavy -heeled myrmidons with more glory and 
self -admiration. 

These military compHments being finished, General Van 
Poflenburgh escorted his illustrious visitor, with great cere- 
mony, into the fort; attended him throughout the fortifica- 
tions •, showed him the horn- works, crown- works, half -moons, 
and various other outworks ; or rather the places where they 
ought to be erected, and where they might be erected if he 
pleased ; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of ' ' great 
capability," and though at present but a Mttle redoubt, yet 
that it evidently was a formidable fortress, in embryo. This 
survey over, he next had the whole garrison put under arms, 
exercised and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three 
BrideweU birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought 
up to the halberts and soundly flogged for the amusement of 
his visitor, and to convince him that he was a great discipli- 
narian. 

The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be struck dumb 
outright, with the puissance of the great Van Poffenburgh, 
took silent note of the incompetency of his garrison, of which 



A BISTOIiY OF JSEW^YORK. ^1^ 

he gave a hint to his trusty followers, who tipped each other 
the wink, and laughed most obstreperously — in their sleeves. 

The inspection, review, and flogging being concluded, the 
jjarty adjourned to the table ; for among his other great quali- 
tiesj the general was remarkably addicted to huge entertain- 
ments, or rather carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign 
would leave more dead men on the field than he ever did in 
the whole course of his mihtary career. Many bulletins of 
these bloodless victories do still remain on record; and the 
whole province was once thrown in a maze by the return of 
one of his campaigns ; wherein it was stated that though, like 
Captain Bobadil, he had only twenty men to back him, yet in 
the short space of six months he had conquered and utterly 
annihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten 
thousand cabbages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one 
hundred and fifty kilderkins of small-beer, two thousand 
seven hundred and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight pounds of 
sugar-plums, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small 
meats, game, poultry, and garden stuff : — An achievement un- 
paralleled since the days of Pantagruel and his all-devouring 
army, and which showed that it was only necessary to let 
beUipotent Van Poffenburgh and his garrison loose in an 
enemy's country, and in a little while they would breed a 
famine and starve all the inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received the first ini 
timation of the visit of Governor Risingh, than he ordered a 
great dinner to be prepared ; and privately sent out a detach- 
ment of his most experienced veterans to rob all the hen- 
roosts in the neighbourhood and lay the pig-sties imder con- 
tribution ; a service to which they had been long inured, and 
which they discharged with such incredible zeal and prompti- 
tude that the garrison table groaned under the weight of their 
spoils. 

I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the valiant 
Van Poffenburgh, as he presided at the head of the banquet ; 
it was a sight worth beholding : — ^there he sat, in his greatest 
glory, surrounded by his soldiers, like that famous wme-bib- 
ber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did most ably imitate 
— telling astounding stories of his hair-breadth adventures and 
heroic exploits, at which, though all his auditors knew them 
to be most incontinent and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did 
they cast up their eyes in admiration and utter many inter- 
jections of astonishment. Nor could the general pronounce 



214 A BISTORT OF NEW-YORK. 

any thing that bore the remotest semblance to a joke, but the 
stout Risingh would strike his brawny fist upon the table till 
every glass rattled again, throwing himself back in the chair 
and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing most horribly 
it was the best joke he ever heard in his life. — Thus all was rout 
and revelry and hideous carousal within Fort Casimir, and 
so lustily did Van Poffenburgh ply the bottle, that in less than 
four short hours he made himself and his whole garrison, who 
all sedulously emulated the deeds of their chieftain, dead 
drunk, and singing songs, quaflang bumpers, and drinking 
patriotic toasts, none of which but was as long as a Welsh 
pedigree or a plea in chancery. 

No sooner did things come to this pass, than the crafty 
Eisingh and his Swedes, who had cunniagly kept themselves 
sober, rose on their entertainers, tied them neck and heels, and 
took formal possession of the fort, and all its dependencies, in 
the name of Queen Christina of Sweden : administering at the 
same time an oath of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who 
could be made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh then put 
the fortification in order, appointed his discreet and vigilant 
friend, Suen Scutz, a tall, wind-dried, water-drinking Swede, 
to the command, and departed, bearing with him this truly 
amiable garrison, and their puissant commander ; who, when 
brought to himself by a sound drubbing, bore no little resem- 
blance to a "deboshed fish," or bloated sea-monster, caught 
upon dry land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent the 
transmission of intelligence to New-Amsterdam ; for, much as 
the cunning Risingh exulted in his stratagem, he dreaded the 
vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuyvesant; whose name 
spread as much terror in the neighbourhood as did whilom 
that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg among his scurvy ene- 
mies, the Turks. 



CHAPTER II. 



SHOWING HOW PROFOUND SECRETS ARE OFTEN BROUGtHT TO 
LIGHT; WITH THE PROCEEDINGS OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG, 
WHEN HE HEARD OF THE MISFORTUNES OF GENERAL VAN POF- 
FENBURGH. 

Whoever first described common fame, or rumour, as be- 
longing to the sager sex, was a very owl for shrewdness. She 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOnK. ^\^ 

has, in truth, certain feminine qualities to an astonishing de- 
gree ; particularly that benevolent anxiety to take care of the 
affairs of others, wliich keeps her continually hunting after 
secrets, and gadding about proclaiming them. Whatever is 
done openly and in the face of the world, she takes but tran- 
sient notice of ; but whenever a transaction is done in a corner, 
and attempted to be shrouded in mystery, then her goddess^ 
ship is at her wit's end to find it out, and takes a most mis- 
chievous and lady-like pleasure in publishing it to the world. 

It is this truly feminine propensity that induces her con- 
tinually to be prying into cabinets of princes, listening at the 
key-holes of senate chambers, and peering through chinks and 
crannies, when our worthy Congress are sitting with closed 
doors, dehberating between a dozen excellent modes of ruining 
the nation. It is this which makes her so obnoxious to all 
wary statesmen and intriguing commanders— such a stum- 
bhng-block to private negotiations and secret expeditions; 
which she often betrays, by means and instruments which 
never would have been thought of by any but a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casimir. No 
doubt the cunning Eisingh imagined, that by securing the 
garrison he should for a long time prevent the history of its 
fate from reaching the ears of the gallant Stuy vesant ; but his 
exploit was blown to the world when he least expected it, and 
by one of the last beings he would ever have suspected of en- 
listing as trumpeter to the wide-mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler, (or Skulker,) a kind of hanger- 
on to the garrison ; who seemed to belong to nobody, and in a 
manner to be self -outlawed. He was one of those vagabond 
cosmopolites, who shark about the world as if they had no 
right or business in it, and who infest the skirts of society like 
poachers and interlopers. Every garrison and country viUage 
has one or more scape-goats of this kind, whose life is a kind 
of enigma, whose existence is without motive, who comes from 
the Lord knows where, who lives the Lord knows how, and 
seems to be made for no other earthly purpose but to keep up 
the ancient and honourable order of idleness. This vagrant 
philosopher was supposed to have some Indian blood in his 
veins, which was manifested by a certain Indian complexion 
and cast of countenance ; but more especially by his propensi- 
ties and habits. He was a taU, lank fellow, swift of foot and 
long-winded. He was generally equipped in a half Indian 
dress, with belt, leggings, and moccasons. His hair hung in 



<2U ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOitK. 

straight gallows locks about his ears, and added not a Httle to 
his sharking demeanour. It is an old remark, that persons of 
Indian mixture are half civiHzed, half savage, and half devil, 
a third half being expressly provided for their particular con- 
venience. It is for similar reasons, and probably with equal 
truth, that the back-wood-men of Kentucky are styled half 
man, half horse, and half aUigator, by the settlers on the Mis- 
sissippi, and held accordingly in great respect and abhorrence. 

The above character may have presented itself to the garri- 
son as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they familiarly 
dubbed GaUows Dirk. Certain it is, he acknowledged allegi- 
ance to no one — was an utter enemy to work, holding it in no 
manner of estimation— but lounged about the fort, depending 
upon chance for a subsistence, getting drunk whenever he 
could get hquor, and stealing whatever he could lay his hands 
on. Every day or two he was sure to get a sound rib-roasting 
for some of his misdemeanours, which, however, as it broke 
no bones, he made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat the 
offence, whenever another opportunity presented. Sometimes, 
in consequence of some flagrant villainy, he would abscond 
from the garrison, and be absent for a month at a time ; skulk- 
ing about the woods and swamps, with a long fowling-piece on 
his shoulder, laying in ambush for game— or squatting himself 
down on the edge of a pond catching fish for hours together, 
and bearing no little resemblance to that notable bird ycleped 
the mudpoke. When he thought his crimes had been forgot- 
ten or forgiven, he would sneak back to the fort with a bundle 
of skins, or a bunch of poultry, which perchance he had stolen, 
and would exchange them for liquor, with which, having well 
soaked his carcass, he would lay in the sun and enjoy all the 
luxurious indolence of that swinish philosopher, Diogenes. He 
was the terror of all the farm-yards in the country, into which 
he made fearful inroads ; and sometimes he would make his 
sudden appearance at the garrison at day-break, with the 
whole neighbourhood at his heels, like a scoundrel thief of a 
fox, detected in his maraudings and hunted to his hole. Such 
was this Dirk Schuiler; and from the total indifference he 
showed to the world or its concerns, and from his truly Indian 
stoicism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt that 
he would have been the publisher of the treachery of Eisingh. 

When the carousal was going on, which proved so fatal to the 
brave Van Poffenburgh and his watchful garrison. Dirk skulked 
about from room to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YOBK. <2Vil 

or useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But though a fellow 
of few words, yet, like your taciturn people, his eyes and ears 
were always open, and in the course of his prowlings he over- 
heard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled 
in his own mind how he should turn the matter to his own ad- 
vantage. He played the perfect jack-of-both-sides — that is to 
say, he made a prize of everything that came in his reach, 
robbed both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked-hat of the 
puissant Van Poffenburgh on his head, whipped a huge pair of 
Risingh's jack-boots under his arms, and took to his heels, just 
before the catastrophe and confusion at the garrison. 

Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in this 
quarter, he directed his flight towards his native place, New 
Amsterdam, from whence he had formerly been obliged to ab- 
scond precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in business — 
that is to say, having been detected in the act of sheep-steahng. 
After wandering many days in the woods, toiling through 
swamps, fording brooks, swimming various rivers, and en- 
countering a world of hardships, that would have killed any 
other being but an Indian, a back- wood-man, or the devil, he 
at length arrived, half famished, and lank as a starved weasel, 
at Communipaw, where he stole a canoe, and paddled over to 
New-Amsterdam. Immediately on landing, he repaired to 
Governor Stuyvesant, and in more words than he had ever 
spoken before in the whole course of his Hfe, gave an account 
of the disastrous affair. 

On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter started 
from his seat— dashed the pipe he was smoking against the 
back of the chimney— thrust a prodigious quid of tobacco into 
his left cheek— pulled up his galHgaskins, and strcde up and 
down the room, humming, as was customary with him when 
in a passion, a hideous north-west ditty. But as I have before 
shown, he was not a man to vent his spleen in idle vapouring. 
His first measure after the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, 
was to stump up-stairs to a huge wooden chest, which served 
as his armory, from whence he drew forth that identical suit 
of regimentals described in the preceding chapter. In these 
portentous habiliments he arrayed himself, like AchiUes in 
the armour of Vulcan, maintaining aU the while a most ap- 
palling silence, knitting his brows, and drawing his breath 
through his clenched teeth. Being hastily equipped, he strode 
down into the parlour, jerked down his trusty sword from 
over the fire-place, where it was usually suspended ; but before 



218 ^ EIST0B7 OF NEW-TOBK, 

he girded it on his thigh, he drew it from its scabbard, and as 
his eye coursed along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over 
his iron visage— it was the first snule that had visited his coun- 
tenance for five long weeks; but every one who beheld it, 
prophesied that there would soon be warm work in the pro- 
vince ! 

Thus armed at all points, with grizzly war depictured in each 
feature, his very cocked-hat assuming an air of uncommon de- 
fiance, he instantly put himself upon the alert, and despatched 
Antony Van Corlear hither and thither, this way and that 
way, through all the muddy streets and crooked lanes of the 
city, summoning by sound of trumpet his trusty peers to as- 
semble in instant council. This done, by way of expediting 
matters, according to the custom of people in a hurry, he kept 
in continual bustle, shifting from chair to chair, popping his 
head out of every window, and stumping up and down stairs 
with his wooden leg in such brisk and incessant motion, that, 
as we are informed by an authentic historian of the times, the 
continual clatter bore no small resemblance to the music of a 
cooper hooping a flour-barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the gover 
nor's mettle, was not to be trifled with; the sages forthwith 
repaired to the council chamber, seated themselves with the 
utmost tranquillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed with 
unruflSed composure on his excellency and his regimentals; 
being, as all counsellors should be, not easily flustered, or 
taken by surprise. The governor, looking around for a mo- 
ment with a lofty and soldier-lil^e air, and resting one hand on 
the pummel of his sv/ord, and flinging the other forth in a free 
and spirited manner, addressed them in a short, but soul- 
stirring harangue. 

I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages of Livy, 
Thucydides, Plutarch, and others of my predecessors, who are 
furnished, as I am told, with the speeches of all their great 
emperors, generals, and orators, taken down in short-hand, by 
the most accurate stenographers of the time ; whereby they 
were enabled wonderfully to enrich their histories, and dehght 
their readers with subhme strains of eloquence. Not having 
such important auxiliaries, I cannot possibly pronounce what 
was the tenor of Governor Stuyvesant's speech. I am bold, 
however, to say, from the tenor of his character, that he did 
not wrap his rugged subject in silks and ermines, and other 
sickly trickeries of phrase ; but spoke f orth^ like a man of nerve 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 219 

and vigour, who scorned to shrink, in words, from those dan- 
gers which he stood ready to encounter in very deed. This 
much is certain, that he conckided by announcing his deter- 
mination of leading on his troops in person, and routing these 
costardmonger Swedes from their usurped quarters at Fort 
Casimir. To this hardy resokition such of his council as were 
awake gave their usual signal of concurrence, and as to the 
rest who had fallen asleep about the middle of the harangue 
(their "usual custom in the afternoon") — they made not the 
least objection. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New- Amsterdam a 
prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. Recruiting 
parties marched hither and thither, calling lustily upon all the 
scrubs, the runagates, and tatterdemalions of the Manhattoes 
and its vicinity, who had any ambition of sixpence a day, and 
immortal fame into the bargain, to enlist in the cause of glory. 
For I would have you note that your warlike heroes who 
trudge in the rear of conquerors, are generally of that illus- 
trious class of gentlemen, who are equal candidates for the 
army or the Bridewell— the halberts or the whipping-post— for 
whom dame Fortune has cast an even die, whether they shall 
make their exit by the sword or the halter— and whose deaths 
shall, at all events, be a lofty example to their countrymen. 

But notwithstanding all this martial rout and invitation, the 
ranks of honour were but scantily supplied ; so averse were 
the peaceful burghers of New- Amsterdam from enlisting in 
foreign broils, or stirring beyond that home which rounded all 
their earthly ideas. Upon beholding this, the great Peter, 
whose noble heart was all on fire with war and sweet re- 
venge, determined to wait no longer for the tardy assistance 
of these oily citizens, but to muster up his merry men of the 
Hudson ; who, brought up among woods and wilds and savage 
beasts, like our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing 
so much as desperate adventures and perilous expeditions 
through the wUderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his trusty 
squire, Antony Van Corlear, to have his state galley prepared 
and duly victualled ; which being performed, he attended pub- 
lic service at the great church of St. Nicholas, like a true and 
pious governor, and then leaving peremptory orders with his 
council to have the chivalry of the Manhattoes marshalled out 
and appointed against his return, departed upon his recruiting 
voyage, up the waters of the Hudson. 



220 A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 



CHAPTER III. 

CONTAINING PETER STUYVESANT'S VOYAGE UP THE HUDSON, AND 
THE WONDERS AND DELIGHTS OP THAT RENOWNED RIVER. 

Now did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly over the 
beauteous face of nature, tempering the panting heats of sum- 
mer into genial and prolific warmth— when that miracle of 
hardihood and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter Stuyve- 
sant, spread his canvas J;o the wind, and departed from the fair 
island of Manna-hata. The galley in which he embarked was 
sumptuously adorned with -pendants and streamers of gorge- 
ous dyes, which fluttered gayly in the wind, or drooped their 
ends in the bosom of the stream. The bow and poop of this 
majestic vessd were gallantly bedight, after the rarest Dutch 
fashion, with figures of little pursy Cupids with periwigs on 
their heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of flowers, the 
like of which are not to be found in any book of botany ; being 
the matchless flowers which flourished in the golden age, and 
exist no longer, unless it be in the imaginations of ingenious 
carvers of wood and discolourers of canvas. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state of the 
puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did the galley of Peter 
Stuyvesant launch forth upon the bosom of the lordly Hudson; 
which, as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, seemed to 
pause for a while, and swell with pride, as if conscious of the 
illustrious burthen it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene presented 
to the contemplation of the crew, from that which may be wit- 
nessed at this degenerate day. Wildness and savage majesty 
reigned on the borders of this mighty river — the hand of culti- 
vation had not as yet laid down the dark forests, and tamed 
the features of the landscape— nor had the frequent sail of 
commerce yet broken in upon the profound and awful soli- 
tude of ages. Here and there might be seen a rude wigwam 
perched among the chffs of the mountains, with its curling 
column of smoke mounting in the transparent atmosphere — 
but so loftily situated, that the whooping of the savage children, 
gambolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as 
faintly on the ear as do the notes of the lark when lost in the 
azure vault of heaven. Now and then, from the beethng brow 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. ^22l 

of some rocky precipice, the wild deer would look timidly 
down upon the splendid pageant as it passed below; and then, 
tOGsing his branching antlers in the air, would bound away into 
the thickets of the forest. 

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter Stuy ve- 
feant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of the rocky heights of 
Jersey, which spring up Hke everlasting walls, reaching from 
the waves imto the heavens ; and were fashioned, if traditions 
may be believed, in times long past, by the mighty spirit 
Manetho, to protect his favourite abodes from the imhallowed 
eyes of mortals. Now did they career it gayly across the vast 
expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide extended shores present a 
vast variety of delectable scenery — here the bold promontory, 
crowned with embowering trees, advancing into the bay- 
there the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the shore in 
rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland precipice — 
while at a distance a long waving line of rocky heights threw 
their gigantic shades across the water. Now would they pass 
where some modest httle interval, opening among these stupen- 
dous scenes, yet retreating as it were for protection into the 
embraces of the neighbouring mountains, displayed a rural 
paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral beauties ; the velvet- 
tufted lawn — the bushy copse— the tinkling rivulet, stealing 
through the fresh and vivid verdure — on whose banks was 
situated. some little Indian village, or, perad venture, the rude 
cabin of some soUtary hunter. 

The different periods of the revolving day seemed each, with 
cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm over the scene. 
Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blaz- 
ing from the summits of the hills, and sparkling the landscape 
with a thousand dewy gems ; while along the borders of the 
river were seen heavy masses of mist, which, Hke midnight 
caitiffs, disturbed at his approach, made a sluggish retreat, 
rolling in sullen reluctance up the mountains. At such times, 
all was brightness and life and gayety — the atmosphere seemed 
of an indescribable pureness and transparency — the birds 
broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshening breezes 
wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when the sun 
sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, mantling the heavens 
and the earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes — then all was 
calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late swelling sail hung 
lifelessly against the mast— the seamen with folded arms leaned 
{igainst the shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing which the 



gg^ A HISTORY OF N^W-YORK. 

sober grandeur of nature commands in the rudest of her chil- 
dren. The vast bosom of the Hudson was Hke an unruffled 
mirror, reflecting the golden splendour of the heavens, except- 
ing that now and then a bark canoe would steal across its sur- 
face, filled ^\4tli painted savages, whose gay feathers glared 
brightly, as perchance a lingering ray of the setting sun 
gleamed upon them from the western mountains. 

But when the hour of twilight spread its magic mists around, 
then did the face of nature assume a thousand fugitive charms, 
which, to the worthy heart that seeks enjoyment in the glori- 
ous works of its Maker, are inexpressibly captivating. The 
mellow dubious light that prevailed, just served to tinge with 
illusive colours the softened features of the scenery. The de- 
ceived but delighted eye sought vainly to discern, in the broad 
masses of shade, the separating hne- between the land and 
water; or to distinguish the fading objects that seemed sink- 
ing into chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feebleness 
of vision, producing with industrious craft a fairy creation of 
her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks frowned 
upon the watery waste, in the semblance of lofty towers and 
high embattled castles— trees assumed the direful forms of 
mighty giants, and the inaccessible summits of the mountains 
seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innumera- 
ble variety of insects, which filled the air with a strange but 
not inharmonious concert— while ever and anon was heard the 
melancholy plaint of the whip-poor-will, who, perched on some 
lonfe tree, wearied the ear of night with his incessant mean- 
ings. The mind, soothed into a hallowed melancholy, listened 
with pensive stillness to catch and distinguish each sound that 
vaguely echoed from the shore— now and then startled per- 
chance by the whoop of some straggling savage, or the dreary 
howl of a wolf, stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course, until they entered 
upon those awful defiles denominated The Highlands, where 
it would seem that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their 
impious war with heaven, piling up cHfrs on cliffs, and hurling 
vast masses of rock in wild confusion. But in sooth, very 
different is the history of these cloud-capped mountains.— These 
in ancient days, before the Hudson poured his waters from the 
lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the 
omnipotent Manetho confined the rebellious spirits who repined 
at his control. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammeii 



" A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 223 

in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they groaned 
for many an age. At length the conquering Hudson, in his 
irresistible career towards the ocean, burst open their prison- 
house, roUing his tide triumphantly through its stupendous 
ruins. 

Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old abodes ; 
and these it is, according to venerable legends, that cause the 
echoes which resound throughout these awful sohtudes ; which 
are nothing but their angry clamours, when any noise disturbs 
the profoundness of their repose. For when the elements are 
agitated by tempest, when the winds are up and the thunder 
rolls, then horrible is the yelhng and howling of these troubled 
spirits, making the mountains to rebellow with their hideous 
uproar; for at such times, it is said, they think the great 
Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in gloomy 
caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity. 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were losfupon the gal- 
lant Stuyvesant; nought occupied his mind but thoughts of 
iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. 
Neither did his honest crew trouble their vacant heads with 
any romantic speculations of the kind. The pilot at the helm 
quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing either past, pres- 
ent, or to come — those of his comrades who were not industri- 
ously snoring under the hatches were Hstening with open 
mouths to Antony Yan Corlear ; who, seated on the windlass, 
was relating to them the marvellous history of those myriads 
of fire-flies that sparkled hke gems and spangles upon the 
dusky robe of night. These, according to tradition, were 
originally a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, who peo- 
pled these parts long before the memory of man ; being of that 
abominated race emphatically called brimstones; and who, for 
their innumerable sins against the children of men, and to 
furnish an awful warning to the beauteous sex, were doomed 
to infest the earth in the shape of these threatening and terri- 
ble Httle bugs; enduring the internal torments of that fire, 
which they formerly carried in their hearts, and breathed forth 
in their words ; but now are sentenced to bear about for ever — 
in their tails. 

And now am I going to tell a fact, which I doubt much my 
readers will hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they are wel- 
come not to beheve a word in this whole history, for nothing 
which it contains is more true. It must be known then that 
the nose of Ai^tony the trumpeter was of a. very lusty size, 



224 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK, 

strutting boldly from his countenance like a mountain of Gol- 
conda; being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and other 
precious stones— the true regalia of a king of good fellows,, 
which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it heartily at the 
flagon. Now thus it happened, that bright and early in the; 
morning, the good Antony having washed his burly visage,, 
was leaning over the quarter-railing of the galley contemplat- 
ing it in the glassy wave below — just at this moment, the 
illustrious sun, breaking in all his splendour from behind one 
of the high bluffs of the Highlands, did dart one of his most, 
potent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of 
brass— the reflection of which shot straightway down, hissing 
hot, into the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon that was; 
sporting beside the vessel ! This huge monster being with in- 
finite labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious repast to^ 
all the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, excepting; 
about the wound, where it smacked a little of brimstone — and 
this, on my veracity, was the first time that ever sturgeon waa 
eaten in these parts by Christian people.* 

When this astonishing miracle came to be made known tO; 
Peter Stuy vesant, and that he tasted of the unknown fish, he,, 
as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly; and as a, 
monument thereof, he gave the name of Antony's Nose to a, 
stout promontory in the neighbourhood — and it has continued 
to be caUed Antony's Nose ever since that time. 

But hold— Whither am I wandering?— By the mass, if I at- 
tempt to accompany the good Peter Stuy vesant on this voyage, 
I shall never make an end, for never was there a voyage so 
fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a river so abounding 
with transcendent beauties, worthy of being severally recorded. 
Even now I have it on the point of my pen to relate, how his 
crew were most horribly frightened, on going on shore above 
the Highlands, by a gang of merry, roistering devils, frisking 
and curveting on a huge flat rock, which projected into the 
river— and which is called the DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this 
very day.— But no! Diedrich Knickerbocker— it becomes thee 
not to idle thus in thy historic wayfaring, 

Kecollect that while dwelling with the fond garrulity of age 
over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recollections of 

* The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the country about Albany, in a 
letter which was written some time after the settlement thereof, says: "There ia 
in the river great plenty of Sturgeon, which we Christians do not make us© of; but 
the Indians eat them greedilje," 



A msTonr of new-tork. 225 

thy youth, and the charms of a thousand legendary tales 
which beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood ; recollect that 
thou art trifling with those fleeting moments which should be 
devoted to loftier themes. — Is not Time — relentless Time! — 
shaking, with palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour-glass 
before thee?— hasten then to pursue thy weary task, lest the 
last sands be run, ere thou hast finished thy history of the 
Manhattoes. 

Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his brave galley, 
and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed St. Nicholas ; 
who, I have no doubt, will prosper him in his voyage, while 
we await his return at the great city of New- Amsterdam. 



CHAPTER IV. 

DESCRIBING THE POWERFUL ARMY THAT ASSEMBLED AT THE 
CITY OP NEW-AMSTERDAM — TOGETHER WITH THE INTERVIEW 
BETWEEN PETER THE HEADSTRONG AND GENERAL VAN POF- 
FENBURGH, AND PETER'S SENTIMENTS TOUCHING UNFORTUNATE 
GREAT MEN. 

While thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, with flow- 
ing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and arousing all 
the phlegmatic httle Dutch settlements upon its borders, a 
great and puissant concourse of warriors was assembling at the 
city of New- Amsterdam. And here that invaluable fragment 
of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than com- 
monly particular ; by which means I am enabled to record the 
illustrious host that encamped itself in the pubhc square in 
front of the fort, at present denominated the Bowling-Green. 

In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the men of battle 
of the Manhattoes, who being the inmates of the metropolis, 
composed the life-guards of the governor. These were com- 
manded by the valiant Stoifel Brinkerhoff, who whilom had 
acquired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay— they displayed 
as a standard, a beaver rampant on a field of orange ; being 
the arms of the province, and denoting the persevering indus- 
try and the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.* 

* This was likewise the great seal of the New-Netherlands, as may still be seen in 
ancient records. 



226 ^ BI8T0RY OP NEW-YORK 

On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that re- 
nowned Mynheer, Michael Paw,* who lorded it over the fair 
regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away south, even 
unto the Navesink mountains,! and was moreover patroon of 
Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his trusty squire, 
Cornelius Van Vorst; consisting of a huge oyster recumbent 
upon a sea-green field; being the armorial bearings of his 
favourite metropohs, Communipaw. He brought to the camp 
a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being each clad in ten 
pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by broad- 
brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat-bands. 
These were the men who vegetated in the mud along the 
shores of Pavonia; being of the race of genuine copperheads, 
and were fabled to have sprung from oysters. 

At a little distance were encamped the tribe of warriors who 
came from the neighbourhood of Hell-Gate. These were com- 
manded by the Suy Dams, and the Van Dams, incontinent 
hard swearers, as their names betoken— they were terrible- 
looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaberdines, of that curi- 
ous coloured cloth called thunder and lightning — and bore as 
a standard three Devil's-darning-needles, volant, in a flame- 
coloured field. 

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy 
borders of the Waale-BoghtJ and the country thereabouts— 
these were of a sour aspect by reason that they Kved on crabs, 
which abound in these parts. They were the fir^t institutors 
of that honourable order of knighthood, called Fly market 
shirks, and, if tradition speak true, did likewise introduce the 
far-famed step in dancing, called "double trouble." They 
were commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra. Vanger, and 
had moreover a jolly band of Breuckelen§ ferry-men, who per- 
formed a brave concerto on conch-shells. 

But I refrain from pursuing this minute description, which 



* Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS., I have found mention made of this 
illusti'ious Patroon in another manuscript, which says: "De Heer (or the squire) 
Michael Paw, a Dutch subject, about 10th Aug., 1630, by deed purchased Staten 
Island. N. B. The same Michael Paw had what the Dutch call a colonic at Pavonia, 
on the Jersey shore, opposite New-York, and his overseer, in 1636, was named 
Corns. Van Vorst— a person of the same name in 1769 owned Powles Hook, and a 
large farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst." 

tSo called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these parts— at 
present they are erroneously denominated the Neversink, or Neversunk mountains. 

t Since corrupted into the Wallabout; the bay where the Navy Yard is situated. 

I Now spelt Brooklyn. 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK, ^27 

goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemendael, and Wee- 
hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, well known in 
history and song — for now does the sound of martial music 
alarm the people of New- Amsterdam, sounding afar from be- 
yond the walls of the city. But this alarm was in a Httle 
while relieved*; for lo, from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, 
they recognised the brimstone-coloured breeches, and splendid 
silver leg, of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in the sunbeams; and 
beheld him approaching at the head of a formidable army, 
which he had mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And 
here the excellent, but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, breaks out into a brave and glorious description of 
the forces, as they defiled through the principal gate of the 
city, that stood by the head of Wall-street. 

First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit the pleasant 
borders of the Bronx — these were short fat men, wearing ex- 
ceeding large trunk breeches, and are renowned for feats of 
the trencher — they were the first inventors of suppawn or mush- 
and-milk. — Close in their rear marched the Van Vlotens, of 
Kaatskill, most horrible quaffers of new cider, and arrant brag- 
garts in their Uquor. — After them came the Van Pelts, of Groodt 
Esopus, dexterous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch- 
tailed steeds of the Esopus breed— these were mighty himters 
of minks and musk-rats, whence came the word Peltry. — Then 
the Van Nests, of Kinderhook, valiant robbers of birds' nests, 
as their name denotes ; to these, if report may be believed, are 
we indebted for the invention of slap-jacks, or buckwheat 
cakes.— Then the Van Higginbottoms, of Wapping's creek; 
these came armed with ferules and birchen rods, being a race 
of schoolmasters, who first discovered the marvellous sympa- 
thy between the seat of honour and the seat of intellect, and 
that the shortest way to get knowledge into the head, was to 
hammer it into the bottom. — Then the Van Grolls, of Antony's 
Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round little pottles, by 
reason they could not bouse it out of their canteens, having 
such rare long noses. — Then the Gardeniers, of Hudson and 
thereabouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, such as 
robbing watermelon patches, smoking rabbits out of their holes, 
and the like ; and by being great lovers of roasted pig's tails ; 
these were the ancestors of the renowned congressman of that 
name. — Then the Van Hoesens, of Sing-Sing, great choristers 
and players upon the jews-harp ; these marched two and two, 
singing the great song of St. Nicholas.— Then the Couenhovens, 



228 ^ EI8T0RT OF MEW- YORK 

of Sleepy Hollow; these gave birth to a jolly race of publi- 
cans, who first discovered the magic artifice of conjiiring a 
quart of wine into a pint bottle.— Then the Van Kortlandts, 
who lived on the wild banks of the Croton, and were great 
killers of wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in 
shooting with the long bow,— Then the Van Bunschotens, of 
Nyack and Kakiat, who were the first that did ever kick with 
the left foot ; they were gallant bush-whackers and himters of 
raccoons by moonlight.— Then the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, 
potent suckers of eggs, and noted for running of horses, and 
running up of scores at taverns; they were the first that ever 
winked with both eyes at once.— Lastly came the Knicker- 
bockers, of the great town of Schaghticoke, where the folk 
lay stones upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should 
be blown away. These derive their name, as some say, from 
Knicker, to shake, and Beker, a goblet, indicating thereby that 
they were sturdy toss-pots of yore ; but, in truth, it was de- 
rived from Knicker, td'nod, and Boeken, books; plainly mean- 
ing that they were great nodders or dozers over books— from 
them did descend the writer of this history. 

Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that poured in at 
the grand gate of New- Amsterdam ; the Stuyvesant manuscript 
indeed speaks of many more, whose names I omit to mention, 
seeing that it behoves me to hasten to matters of greater mo- 
ment. Nothing could surpass the joy and martial pride of the 
lion-hearted Peter, as he reviewed this mighty host of warriors, 
and he determined no longer to defer the gratification of his 
much-wished-for revenge upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort 
Casimir. 

But before I hasten to record those unmatchable events, 
which will be found in the sequel of this faithful history, 
let me pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Van Poffen- 
burgh, the discomfited commander-in-chief of the armies of 
the New-Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitableness 
of human nature, that scarcely did the news become pubhc 
of his deplorable discomfiture at Fort Casimir, than a thou- 
sand scurvy rumours were set afloat in New-Amsterdam, 
wherein it was insinuated, that he had in reality a treacher- 
ous understanding with the Swedish commander; that he had 
long been in the practice of privately communicating with 
the. Swedes; together with divers hints about "secret service 
money :"— to all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more 
credit than I think they deserve. 



A HISTORY OF NEW- TOME. 229 

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his character by the 
most vehement oaths and protestations, and put every man 
out of the ranks of honour who dared to doubt his integrity. 
Moreover, on returning to New- Amsterdam, he paraded up and 
down the streets with a crew of hard swearers at his heels- 
sturdy bottle companions, whom he gorged and fattened, and 
who were ready to bolster him through all the courts of justice 
— heroes of his own kidney, fierce-whiskered, broad-shouldered, 
colbrand-looking swaggerers — not one of whom but looked as 
though he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with the horns. 
These life-guard men quarrelled all his quarrels, were ready 
to fight all his battles, and scowled at every man that turned 
up his nose at the general, as though they would devour him 
alive. Their conversation was interspersed with oaths like 
minute-guns, and every bombastic rodomontado was rounded 
off by a thundering execration, like a patriotic toast honoured 
with a discharge of artillery. 

AU these valorous vapourings had a considerable effect in 
convincing certain profound sages, many of whom began to 
think the general a hero of unutterable loftiness and magna- 
nimity of soul, particularly asJie was continually protesting on 
the honour of a soldier — a marvellously high-sounding assevera- 
tion. Nay, one of the members of the council went so far as 
to propose they should inunortalize him by an imperishable 
statute of plaster of Paris. 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to be de- 
ceived. — Sending privately for the com m ander-in-chief of aU 
the armies, and having heard all his story, garnished with the 
customary pious oaths, protestations, and ejaculations — "Har- 
kee, comrade," cried he, "though by your own account you 
are the most brave, upright, and honourable man in the whole 
province, yet do you lie under the misfortune of being damna- 
bly traduced, and immeasurably despised. Now, though it is 
certainly hard to punish a man for his misfortunes, and though 
it is very possible you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to 
your charge, yet as Heaven, at present, doubtless for some 
wise purpose, sees fit to withhold all proofs of your innocence, 
far be it from me to counteract its sovereign will. Besides, I 
cannot consent to venture my armies with a commander whom 
they despise, or to trust the welfare of my people to a champion 
whom they distrust. Eetire, therefore, my friend, from the 
irksome toils and cares of pubhc life, with this comforting re- 
flection—that if guilty, you are but enjoying your just reward 



230 ^ HI8T0RT OF NEW-YORK. 

— and if innocent, you are not the first great and good man 
who has most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in 
this wicked world — doubtless to be better treated in a better 
world, where there shall be neither error, calumny, nor perse- 
cution. In the meantime let me never see your face again, for 
I have a horrible antipathy to the countenances of unfortunate 
great men like yourself," 



CHAPTER V. 



IN WHICH THE AUTHOR DISCOURSES VERY INGENUOUSLY OF HIM- 
SELF—AFTER WHICH IS TO BE FOUND MUCH INTERESTING HIS- 
TORY ABOUT PETER THE HEADSTRONG AND HIS FOLLOWERS. 

As my readers and myself are about entering on as many 
perils as ever a confederacy of meddlesome knights-errant 
wilfully ran their heads into, it is meet that, like those hardy 
adventurers, we should join hands, bury all differences, and 
swear to stand by one another, in weal or woe, to the end 
of the enterprise. My readers must doubtless perceive how 
completely I have altered my tone and deportment, since we 
first set out together. I warrant they then thought me a 
crabbed, cynical, impertinent little son of a Dutchman, for I 
scarcely ever gave them a civil word, nor so much as touched 
my beaver, when I had occasion to address them. But as we 
jogged along together, in the high-road of my history, I 
gradually began to relax, to grow more courteous, and oc- 
casionally to enter into familiar discourse, until at length I 
came to conceive a most social, companionable, kind regard 
for them. This is just my way — I am always a little cold 
and reserved at first, particularly to people whom I neither 
know nor care for, and am only to be completely won by 
long intimacy. 

Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd of 
how-d'ye-do acquaintaiices that flocked around me at my first 
appearance? Many were merely attracted by a new face; and 
having stared me full in the title-page, walked off without say- 
ing a word; while others lingered yawningly through the 
preface, and having gratified their short-hved curiosity, soon 
propped off one by one. But more especially to try their met- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOliK. 231 

tie, I had recourse to an expedient, similar to one which we aj'e 
told was used by the peerless flower of chivalry, King Arthur; 
who, before he admitted any knight to his intimacy, first re- 
quired that he should show himself superior to danger or 
hardships, by encountering unheard-of mishaps, slaying some 
dozen giants, vanquishing wricked enchanters, not to say a 
word of dwarfs, hippogriffs, and fiery dragons. On a similar 
principle, I cunningly led my readers, at the first sally, into 
two or three knotty chapters, where they were most wofuUy 
belaboured and buffeted by a host of pagan philosophers and 
infidel writers. Though naturally a very grave man, yet could 
I scarce refrain from smiling outright at seeing the utter con- 
fusion and dismay of my valiant cavaHers — some dropped down 
dead (asleep) on the field ; others threw down my book in the 
middle of the first chapter, took to their heels, and never ceased 
scampering until they had fairly run it out of sight ; when they 
stopped to take breath, to tell their friends what troubles they 
had undergone, and to warn all others from venturing on so 
thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my ranks more 
and more ; and of the vast multitude that first set out, but a 
comparatively few made shift to survive, in exceedingly bat- 
tered condition, through the five introductory chapters. 

What, then! would you have had me take such sunshine, 
faint-hearted recreants to my bosom at our first acquaintance^ 
No — no ; I reserved my friendship for those who deserved it, 
for those who undauntedly bore me company, in spite of diffi- 
culties, dangers, and fatigues. And now, as to those who ad- 
here to me at present, I take them affectionately by the hand. 
— Worthy and thrice-beloved readers! brave and well-tried 
comrades ! who have faithfully followed my footsteps through 
all my wanderings — I salute you from my heart— I pledge my- 
seK to stand by you to the last; and to conduct you (so Heaven 
speed this trusty weapon which I now hold between my fin- 
gers) triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous under- 
taking. 

But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city of New- Am- 
sterdam is in a bustle. The host of warriors encamped in the 
Bowhng-Green are striking their tents ; the brazen trumpet of 
Antony Van Corlear makes the welkin to resound with porten- 
tous clangour — the drums beat— the standards of the Manhat- 
toes, of Hell-Gate, and of Michael Paw, wave proudly in the 
air. And now behold where the mariners are busily employed 
hoisting the sails of yon topsail schooner, and those clump-built 



232 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 

sloops, which are to waft the army of the Nederlanders to 
gather immortal honours on the Delaware ! 

The entire population of the city, man, woman, and child^ 
turned out to behold the chivalry of New-Amsterdam, as it 
paraded the streets previous to embarkation. Many a handker- 
chief was waved out at the windows ; many a fair nose was: 
blown in melodious sorrow, on the mournful occasion. The^ 
grief of the fair dames and beauteous damsels of Granada could 
not have been more vociferous on the banishment of the gal- 
lant tribe of Abencerrages, than was that of the kind-hearted 
fair ones of New- Amsterdam on the departure of their intrepid 
warriors. Every love-sick maiden fondly crammed the pock- 
ets of her hero with gingerbread and doughnuts — many a cop- 
per ring was exchanged and crooked sixpence broken, in pledge 
of eteirnal constancy— and there remain extant to this day some 
love-verses written on that occasion, sufficiently crabbed and 
incomprehensible to confound the whole universe. 

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how they 
hung about the doughty Antony Van Corlear— for he was a. 
jolly, rosy-faced, lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a^ 
desperate rogue among the women. Fain would they have; 
kept him to comfort them while the army was away ; for be- 
sides what I have said of him, it is no more than justice to add^ 
that he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his benevolent at- 
tentions in comforting disconsolate wives during the absences 
of their husbands — and this made him to be very much re- 
garded by the honest burghers of the city. But nothing could' 
keep the valiant Antony from following the heels of the old 
governor, whom he loved as he did his very soul— so, embrac- 
ing all the young vrouws, and giving every one of them that 
had good teeth and rosy Hps, a dozen hearty smacks, he de- 
parted loaded with their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the least* 
causes of public distress. Though the old governor was by no 
means indulgent to the follies and waywardness of his subjects, 
yet some how or other he had become strangely popular among 
the people. There is sometliing so captivating in personal 
bravery, that, with the common mass of mankind, it takes the 
lead of most other merits. The simple folk of New- Amsterdam 
looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a prodigy of valour. His 
wooden leg, that trophy of his martial encounter, was regarded 
with reverence and admiration. Every old burgher had a 
budget of miraculous stories to tell about the exploits of Hard- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 333 

kopping Piet, wherewith he regaled his children of a long win- 
ter night ; and on which he dwelt with as much delight and 
exaggeration, as do our honest country yeomen on the hardy 
adventures of old General Putnam (or as he is famiharly 
termed, Old Put.) during our glorious revolution. Not an in- 
dividual but verily believed the old governor was a match for 
Belzebub himself ; and there was even a story told, with gTeat 
mystery, and under the rose, of his having shot the devil with 
a silver bullet, one dark, stormy night, as he was sailing in a 
canoe through Hell-Gate. — But this I do not record as being an 
absolute fact — perish the man who would let fall a drop to dis- 
colour the pure stream of history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New- Amsterdam but con- 
sidered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and rested 
satisfied that the public weKare was secure so long as he was 
in the city. It is not surprising, then, that they looked upon 
his departure as a sore affliction. With heavy hearts they 
dragged at the heels of his troop, as they marched down to the 
river side to embark. The governor, from the stern of his 
schooner, gave a short, but truly patriarchal address to his 
citizens ; wherein he recommended them to comport like loyal 
and peaceable subjects — to go to church regularly on Sundays, 
and to mind their business all the week besides. — That the 
women should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands — 
looking after nobody's concerns but their own : eschewing all 
gossipings and morning gaddings— and carrying short tongues 
and long petticoats.— That the men should abstain from inter- 
jneddhng in public concerns, intrusting the cares of govern- 
ment to the officers appointed to support them— staying at 
home like good citizens, making money for themselves, and 
getting children for the benefit of their country. That the 
burgomasters should look well to the public interest— not op- 
pressing the poor, nor indulging the rich — not tasking their 
sagacity to devise new laws; but faithfully enforcing those 
which were already made — rather bending their attention to 
prevent evil than to punish it; ever recollecting that civil 
magistrates should consider themselves more as guardians of 
pubHc morals, than rat-catchers employed to entrap pubhc 
deHnquents. Finally, he exhorted them, one and all, high and 
low, rich and poor, to conduct themselves as well as they 
could; assuring them that if they faithfully and conscien- 
tiously complied with this golden rule, there was no danger 
but that they would all conduct themselves well enough. — This 



234 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-YORE. 

done, he gave them a paternal henediction ; the sturdy Antony 
sounded a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly 
crews put up a shout of triumph, and the invincible armada 
swept off proudly down the bay. 

The good people of New- Amsterdam crowded down to the 
Battery — that blest resort, from whence so many a tender 
prayer has been wafted, so many a fair hand waved, so many 
a tearful look been cast by love-sick damsels, after the lessen- 
ing bark, bearing her adventurous swain to distant chmes. 
Here the populace watched with straining eyes the gallant 
squadron, as it slowly floated down the bay, and when the in- 
tervening land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, 
gradually dispersed with silent tongues and downcast coun- 
tenances. 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city. — The honest 
burghers smoked their pipes in profound thoughtfulness, cast- 
ing many a wistful look to the weathercock, on the church of 
Saint Nicholas ; and all the old women, having no longer the 
presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them, gathered their 
children home, and barricadoed the doors and windows every 
evening at sun-down. 

In the meanwhile, the armada of the sturdy Peter proceeded 
prosperously on its voyage, and after encountering about as 
many storms, and waterspouts, and whales, and other horrors 
and phenomena, as generally befall adventurous landsmen, in 
perilous voyages of the kind; and after undergoing a severe 
scouring from that deplorable and unpitied malady called sea- 
sickness, the whole squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. 

Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his wearied 
ships time to breathe after labouring so long in the ocean, tlie 
intrepid Peter pursued his course up the Delaware, and made 
a sudden appearance before Fort Casimir.— Having summoned 
the astonished garrison by a terrific blast from the trumpet of 
the long-winded Van Corlear, he demanded in a tone of thun- 
der an instant surrender of the fort. To this demand, Suen 
Scutz, the wind-dried commandant, replied in a shrill, whiffling 
voice, which, by reason of his extreme spareness, sounded like 
the wind whistling through a broken bellows — "that he had 
no very strong reasons for refusing, except that the demand 
was particularly disagreeable, as he had been ordered to main- 
tain his post to the last extremity. " He requested time, there- 
fore, to consult with Governor Risingh, and proposed a truce 
for that purpose. 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. . 2^^ 

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort so 
treacherously taken from him, and thus pertinaciously with- 
held, refused the proposed armistice, and swore by the pipe 
of St. Nicholas, which hke the sacred fire was never extin- 
guished, that unless the fort were surrendered in ten minutes, 
he would incontinently storm the works, make all the garrison 
run the gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a commander 
like a pickled shad. To give this menace the greater effect, he 
drcAv forth his trusty sword, and shook it at them with such a 
fierce and vigorous motion, that doubtless if it had not been 
exceeding rusty, it would have lightened terror into the eyes 
and hearts of the enemy. He then ordered his men to bring 
a broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swivels, 
three muskets, a long duck fowhng-piece, and two brace of 
horse-pistols. 

In the meantime the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled all 
his forces, and commenced his warlike operations. Distending 
his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a most horrific 
twanging of his trumpet — the lusty choristers of Sing-sing 
broke forth into a hideout song of battle— the warriors of 
Brcuckelen and the Wallabout blew a potent and astounding 
blast on their conch-shells, altogether forming as outrageous a 
concerto as though five thousand French orchestras were dis- 
playing their skill in a modern overture. 

Whether the formidable front of war thus suddenly pre- 
sented, smote the garrison with sore dismay — or whether the 
concluding terms of the summons, which mentioned that he 
should surrender "at discretion" were mistaken by Suen 
Scutz, who, though a Swede, was a very considerate, easy- 
tempered man— as a comi^liment to his discretion, I will not 
take upon me to say ; certain it is, he found it impossible to 
resist so courteous a demand. Accordingly, in the very nick 
of time, just as the cabin-boy had gone after a coal of fire, to 
discharge the swivel, a chamade was beat on the rampart, by 
the only drum in the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of 
both parties; who, notwithstanding their great stomach for 
fighting, had full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner, 
as to exchange black eyes and bloody noses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to the 
domination of their High Mightinesses ; Scutz and his garrison 
of twenty men were allowed to march out with the honours of 
war, and the victorious Peter, who was as generous as brave, 
permitted them to keep possession of all their arms and am- 



936 • ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOUK 

munition— the same on inspection being found totally unfit for 
service, having long rusted in the magazine of the fortress, 
even before it was wrested by the Swedes from the magnani- 
mous, but windy Van Polfenburgh. But I must not omit to 
mention, that the governor was so well pleased with the ser- 
vices of his faithful Squire Van Corlear, in the reduction of 
this great fortress, that he made him on the spot lord of a 
goodly domain in the vicinity of New- Amsterdam — which 
goes by the name of Corlear's Hook unto this very day. 

The unexampled liberahty of the valiant Stuyvesant to- 
wards the Swedes occasioned great surprise in the city of 
New-Amsterda.m — nay, certain of these factious individuals, 
who had been enlightened by the political meetings that pre- 
vailed during the days of William the Testy, but who had 
not dared to indulge their meddlesome habits under the eye of 
their present ruler, now emboldened by his absence, dared 
even to give vent to their censures in the street. Murmurs 
were heard in the very council chamber of New- Amsterdam ; 
and there is no knowing whether they would not have broken 
out into downright speeches and invectives, had not Peter 
Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking-staff, to be laid as 
a mace on the table of the council chamber, in the midst of his 
counsellors ; who, like wise men, took the hint, and for ever 
after held their peace. 



CHAPTER VI. 



SHOWING THE GREAT ADVANTAGE THAT THE AUTHOR HAS OVER 
HIS READER IN TIME OF BATTLE — TOGETHER WITH DIVERS POR- 
TENTOUS MOVEMENTS, WHICH BETOKEN THAT SOMETHING TER- 
RIBLE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. 

Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast the 
first spoonful of turtle soup salutes his palate, feels his impa- 
tient appetite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles his vigor- 
ous attacks upon the tureen, while his voracious eyes, project- 
ing from his head, roll greedily round, devouring every thing 
at table — so did the mettlesome Peter Stuyvesant feel that in- 
tolerable hunger for martial glory, which raged within his 
very bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir, and 
nothing could allay it but the conquest of all New-Sweden, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 237 

No sooner, therefore, had he secured his conquest, than he 
stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, to gather fresh 
laurels at Fort Christina.* 

This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small 
river (or as it is improperly termed, creek) of the same name ; 
and here that crafty Governor Jan Risingh lay grimly dravfn 
up, like a gray-bearded spider in the citadel of his web. 
I But before we hurry into the direful scenes that must attend 
the meeting of two such potent chieftains, it is advisable that 
we pause for a moment, and hold a kind of warlike council. 
Battles should not be rushed into precipitately by the historian 
and his readers, any more than by the general and his soldiers. 
The great commanders of antiquity never engaged the enemy, 
without previously preparing the minds of their followers by 
animating harangues ; spiriting them up to heroic feelings, as- 
suring them of the protection of the gods, and inspiring them 
with a confidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the his- 
torian should awaken the attention and enhst the passions of 
his readers, and having set theixi all on fire with the impor- 
tance of his subject, he should put himself at their head, flour- 
ish his pen, and lead them on to the thickest of the fight. 

An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that mir- 
ror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. Having arrived 
at the breaking out of the Peloponnesian war, one of his com- 
mentators observes, that ''he sounds the charge in all the dis- 
position and spirit of Homer: He catalogues the allies on both 
sides. He awakens our expectations, and fast engages our at- 
tention. All mankind are concerned in the impoisfcant point 
now going to be decided. Endeavours are made to disclose fu- 
turity. Heaven itself is interested in the dispute. The earth 
totters, and nature seems to labour with the great event. This 
is his solemn subhme manner of setting out. Thus he magni- 
fies a war between two, as Rapin styles them, petty states ; 
and thus artfully he supports a little subject, by treating it in 
a great and. noble method." 

In like manner, having conducted my readers into the very 
teeth of peril — having followed the adventurous Peter and his 
band into foreign regions— surrounded by foes, and stunned by 
the horrid din of arms— at this important moment, while dark- 
ness and doubt hang o'er each coming chapter, I hold it meet 

* This is at present a flourishing town, called Christiana, or Christeen, about 
thirty -seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post-road to Baltimore, 



238 ^ niSTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

to harangue them, and jirepare them for the events that are to 
follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage which, as the 
historian, I possess over my reader ; and this it is, that though 
I cannot save the life of my favourite hero, nor absolutely 
contradict the event of a battle, (both which liberties, though 
often taken by the French writers of the present reign, I hold 
to be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous historian,) yet I can 
now and then make him to bestow on his enemy a sturdy 
back-stroke sufficient to fell a giant ; though, in honest truth, 
he may never have done any thing of the kind — or I can drive 
his antagonist clear round and round the field, as did Homer 
make that fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round 
the walls of Troy ; for which, if ever they have encountered 
one another in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince of 
poets has had to make the most humble apology. 

I am aware that many conscientious readers will be ready to 
cry out "foul play!" whenever I render a little assistance to 
my hero— but I consider it one of those privileges exercised by 
historians of all ages, and one which has never been disputed. 
In fact, a historian is, as it were, bound in honour to stand by 
his hero — ^the fame of the latter is intrusted to his hands, and 
it is his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a 
general, an admiral, or any other commander, who, in giving 
an account of any battle he had fought, did not sorely bela- 
bour the enemy ; and I have no. doubt that, had my heroes 
written the history of their own achievements, they would 
have dealt much harder blows than any that I shall recount. 
Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian of their fame, it be- 
hoves me to do them the same justice they would have done 
themselves; and if I happen to be a little hard upon the 
Swedes, I give free leave to any of their descendants, who 
may write a history of the State of Delaware, to take fair 
retaliation, and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they 
please. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses ! — my 
pen hath long itched for a battle — siege after siege have I car- 
ried on without blows or bloodshed ; but now I have at length 
got a chance, and I vow to Heaven and St. Nicholas, that, let 
the chronicles of the time say what they please, neither Sal- 
lust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor any other historian, did ever 
record a fiercer fight than that in which my valiant chieftains 
^re now about to engage. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK 239 

And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for your faith- 
ful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest corner of my 
heart— be not uneasy — ^trust the fate of our favourite Stuyve- 
sant to me — for by the rood, come what may, I'll stick by Hard- 
kopping Piet to the last; I'll make him drive about these losels 
vile, as did the renowned Launcelot of the lake, a herd of re- 
creant Cornish knights — and if he does fall, let me never draw 
my pen to fight another battle, in behalf of a brave man, if I 
don't make these lubberly Swedes pay for it. 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before Fort Chris- 
tina than he proceeded without delay to intrench himself, and 
immediately on running his first parallel, despatched Antony 
Van Corlear to summon the fortress to surrender. Van Cor- 
lear was received with all due formality, hoodwinked at the 
portal, and conducted through a pestiferous smell of salt fish 
and onions, to the citadel, a substantial hut, built of pine logs. 
His eyes were here uncovered, and he found himself in the 
august presence of Governor Eisingh. This chieftain, as I 
have before noted, was a very giantly man ; and was clad in a 
coarse blue coat, strapped round the waist with a leathern 
belt, which caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set olf 
with a very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were cased 
in a pair of foxy -coloured jack-boots, and he was straddling in 
the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a bit of broken 
looking-glass, shaving himself with a villainously dull razor. 
This afflicting operation caused him to make a series of hor- 
rible grimaces, that heightened exceedingly the grizzly terrors 
of his visage. On Antony Van Corlear's being announced, the 
grim commander paused for a moment, in the midst of one of 
his most hard-favoured contortions, and after eyeing him as- 
kance over his shoulder, with a kind of snarling grin on his. 
countenance, resumed his labours at the glass. 

This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to the, 
trumpeter, and demanded the purport of his errand. Antony 
Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a kind of short- 
hand speaker, a long message from his excellency, recounting 
the whole history of the province, with a recapitulation of 
grievances, and enumeration of claims, and concluding with a 
peremptory demand of instant surrender; which done, he 
turned aside, took his nose between his thumb and finger, and 
blew a tremendous blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet 
of defiance— which it had* doubtless learned from a long and 
intimate neighbourhood with that melodious instrmnent. 



940 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TOBK, 

Governor Risingh heard him through, trumpet and all, but 
with infinite impatience; leaning at times, as was his usual 
custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at times twirling a 
huge steel watch-chain, or snapping his fingers. Van Corlear 
having finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter Stuyvesant and 

his siunmons might go to the d 1, whither he hoped to send 

him and his crew of ragamuffins before supper-time. Then 
unsheathing his brass-hilted sword, and throwing away the 
scabbard — " Fore gad," quod he, " but I will not sheathe thee 
again, until I make a scabbard of the smoke-dried, leathern 
hide of this runagate Dutchman. " Then having flung a fierce 
defiance in the teeth of his adversary, by the hps of his mes- 
senger, the latter was reconducted to the portal, with all the 
ceremonious civility due to the trumpeter, 'squire, and am- 
bassador of so great a commander, and being again unblinded, 
was courteously dismissed with a tweak of the nose, to assist 
him in recollecting his message. 

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent reply, 
than he let fly a tremendous volley of red-hot execrations, that 
would infallibly have battered down the fortifications, and 
blown up the powder-magazine about the ears of the fiery 
Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably strong, and the 
magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving that the works withstood 
this terrific blast, and that it was utterly impossible (as it 
really was in those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war with 
words, he ordered his merry men all to prepare for an im- 
mediate assault. But here a strange murmur broke out 
among his troops, beginning with the tribe of the Van Bum- 
mels, those valiant trencher-men of the Bronx, and spreading 
from man to man, accompanied with certain mutinous looks 
and discontented murmurs. For once in his hfe, and only for 
once, did the great Peter turn pale, for he verily thought his 
wariiors were going to falter in this hour of perilous trial, and 
thus tarnish for ever the fame of the province of New-Neder- 
lands. 

Bub soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in this suspi- 
cion he deeply wronged this most undaunted army ; for the 
cans of this agitation and uneasiness simply was, that the 
hour of dinner was at hand, and it would have almost broken 
the hearts of these regular Du.tch warriors, to have broken in 
upon the invariable routine of their habits. Besides, it was 
an established rule among our valiant ancestors, always to 
fight upon a full stomach, and to this may be doubtless atr 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 241 

tributed the circumstance that they came to be so renowned 
in arms. 

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and their 
no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under the trees, 
buffeting stoutly with the contents of their wallets, and taking 
such affectionate embraces of their canteens and pottles, as 
though they verily believed they were to be the last. And as 
I foresee we shall have hot work in a page or two, I advise my 
readers to do the same, for which purpose I will bring this 
chapter to a close ; giving them my word of honour that no 
advantage shall be taken of this armistice to surprise, or in 
any wise molest, the honest Nederlanders while at their vigor- 
ous repast. 



CHAPTER VII. 

CONTAINING THE MOST HORRIBLE BATTLE EVER RECORDED IN 
POETRY OR PROSE— WITH THE ADMIRABLE EXPLOITS OF PETER 
THE HEADSTRONG. 

" Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge repast," and End- 
ing themselves wonderfully encouraged and animated thereby, 
prepared to take the field. Expectation, says the writer of 
the Stuyvesant manuscript— Expectation now stood on stilts. 
The world forgot to turn round, or rather stood still, that it 
might witness the affray; Hke a fat, round-bellied alderman, 
watching the combat of two chivalric flies upon his jerkin. 
The eyes of all mankind, as usual in such cases, were turned 
upon Fort Christina. The sun, like a little man in a crowd 
at a puppet-show, scampered about the heavens, popping his 
head here and there, and endeavouring to get a peep between 
the unmannerly clouds that obtruded themselves in his way. 
The historians filled their ink-horns— the poets went without 
their dinners, either that they might buy paper and gooso- 
quills, or because they could not get any thing to eat— anti- 
quity scowled sulkily out of its grave, to see itself outdone— 
while even posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy of 
retrospection on the eventful field. 

The immortal deities, who whilom had seen service at the 
"affair" of Troy— now mounted their feather-bed clouds, and 
sailed over the plain or mingled among the combatants in dif- 



242 -4 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

ferent disguises, all itching to have a finger in the pie. Jupi- 
ter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted coppersmith, to have it 
furbished up for the direful occasion. Venus swore by her 
chastity she'd patronize the Swedes, and in semblance of a 
blear-eyed trull, paraded the battlements of Fort Christina, 
accompanied by Diana as a sergeant's widow, of cracked repu- 
tation.— The noted bully. Mars, stuck two horse-pistols into 
his belt, shouldered a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggered 
at their elbow as a drunken corporal — while Apollo trudged in 
their rear as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villainously 
out of tune. 

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a pair 
of black eyes overnight, in one of her curtain lectures with old 
Jupiter, displayed her haughty beauties on a baggage-wagon— 
Minerva, as a brawny gin sutler, tucked up her skirts, bran- 
dished her fists, and swore most heroically in exceeding bad 
Dutch, (having but lately studied the language,) by way of 
keeping up the spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted as 
a club-footed blacksmith, lately promoted to be a captain of 
mihtia. All was silent horror, or bustling preparation ; war 
reared his horrid front, gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook 
his direful crest of bristling bayonets. 

And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their hosts. 
Here stood stout Eisingh, firm as a thousand rocks — incrusted 
with stockades and entrenched to the chin in mud batteries. 
His valiant soldiery lined the breastwork in grim array, each 
having his mustachios fiercely greased, and his hair poma- 
tumed back and queued so stiffly that he grinned above the 
ramparts like a grizzly death's head. 

There came on the intrepid Peter — his brows knit, his teeth 
set, his fists clenched, almost breatliiiip^ forth volumes of 
smoke, so fierce was the fire that raged within his bosom. 
His faithful 'squire, Van Corlear, ti'udged valiantly at his 
heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red and 
yellow ribands, the remembrances of his fair mistresses at the 
Manhattoes. Then came waddling on the sturdy chivalry of 
the Hudson. There were the Van Wycks, and the Van 
Dycks, and the Ten Eycks— the Van Nesses, the Van Tassels, 
the Van Grolls, the Van Hoesens, the Van Giesons, and the 
Van Blarcoms— the Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van 
Dams, the Van Pelts, the Van Eippers, and the Van Brunts. 
—There were the Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bim- 
schotens; the Van Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van 



A EISTOBT OF NEW-TORK 243 

Bummels — the Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander 
Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander 
Spiegels.— There came the Hoffmans, the Hooghlands, the Hop- 
pers, the Cloppers, the Ryekmans, the Dyckmans, the Hoge- 
booms, the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the Quackenbosses, the 
Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzs, the Bensons, the Brouwers, the 
Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, the Scher- 
merhornes, the Stoutenburghs, the Brinkerhoffs, the Bon- 
tecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hockstrassers, the Ten 
Breecheses, and the Tough Breecheses, with a host more of 
worthies, whose names are too crabbed to be written, or if 
they could be written, it would be impossible for man to utter 
—all fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use the words of 
a great Dutch poet, 

" Brimful of wrath and cabbage I" 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst of his 
career, and mounting on a stump, addressed his troops in 
eloquent Low Dutch, exhorting them to fight like duyvels, and 
assuring them that if they conquered, they should get plenty 
of booty — if they fell, they should be allowed the unparalleled 
satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that it was in the ser- 
vice of their country — and after they were dead, of seeing 
their names inscribed in the temple of renown, and handed 
down, in company with all the other great men of the year, 
for the admiration of posterity. — Finally, he swore to them, 
on the word of a governor, (and they knew him too well to 
doubt it for a moment) that if he caught any mother's son of 
them looking pale, or playing craven, he'd curry his hide till 
he made him run out of it like a snake in spring-time.— Then 
lugging out his trusty sabre, he brandished it three times over 
his head, ordered Van Corlear to sound a tremendous charge, 
and shouting the words, "St. Nicholas and the Manhattoes!" 
courageously dashed forwards. His warlike followers, who 
had employed the interval in hghting their pipes, instantly 
stuck them in their mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged 
gallantly, under cover of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Risingh not 
to fire until they could distinguish the whites of their assail- 
ants' eyes, stood in horrid silence on the covert-way, until the 
eager Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then did they pour 
into them such a tremendous volley, that the very hills quaked 
around, and were terrified even unto an incontmence of water, 



244 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

insomuch that certain springs burst forth from their sides, 
which continue to run unto the present day. Not a Dutchman 
but would have bitten the dust, beneath that dreadful fire, 
had not the protecting Minerva kindly taken care that the 
Swedes should, one and all, observe their usual custom, of 
shutting their eyes and turning away their heads, at the 
moment of discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping the counter- 
scarp, and falling tooth and nail upon the foe, with furious 
outcries. And now might be seen prodigies, of valour, of 
which neither history nor song has ever recorded a parallel. 
Here was beheld the sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff, brandishing 
his lusty quarter- staff, like the terrible giant Blander on his 
oak tree, (for he scorned to carry any other weapon,) and 
drumming a horrific tune upon the heads of whole squadrons 
of Swedes. There were the crafty Van Kortlandts, posted at 
a distance, like the Locrian archers of yore, and plying it most 
potently with the long bow, for which they 'were so justly 
renowned. At another place were collected on a rising knoll 
the valiant men of Sing-Sing, who assisted marvellously in the 
fight, by chanting forth the great song of St. Nicholas ; but as 
to the Gardeniers of Hudson, they were absent from the 
battle, having been sent out on a marauding party, to lay 
waste the neighbouring water-melon patches. In a different 
part of the field might be seen the Van Grolls of Antony's 
Nose; but they were horribly perplexed in a defile between 
two httle hills, by reason of the length of their noses. There 
were the Van Bimschotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned 
for kicking with the left foot, but their skill availed them httle 
at present, being short of wind in consequence of the hearty 
dinner they had eaten, and they would irretrievably have been 
, put to rout, had they not been reinforced by a gallant corps of 
; Voltigeiires, composed of the Hoppers, who advanced to their 
assistance nimbly on one foot. Nor must I omit to mention 
the incomparable achievements of Antony Van Corlear, who, 
for a good quarter of an hour, waged stubborn fight with a 
little, pursy Swedish drummer, whose hide he drummed most 
magnificently ; and had he not come into the battle with no 
other weapon but his trumpet, would infallibly have put him 
to an untimely end. 

But now the combat thickened — on came the mighty Jacobus 
Varra Vanger, and the fighting men of the Wallabout ; after 
them thimdered the Van Pelts of Esopus, together with tho 



A IliSTORY OF NEW-tORK. 945 

"Van Mppers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all before them 
— then the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, pressing forward 
with many a blustering oath^ at the head of the warriors of 
Hell-Gate, clad in their thunder and lightning gaberdines; 
and lastly, the standard-bearers and body-guards of Peter 
Stuy vesant, bearing the great beaver of the Manhattoes. 

And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate struggle, 
the maddening ferocity, the frantic desperation, the confusion 
and self-abandonment of war. Dutchman and Swede com- 
mingled, tugged, panted, and bio wed. The heavens were dark- 
-ened with a tempest of missives. Bang! went the guns — 
whack! struck the broad-swords - thump ! went the cudgels— 
crash ! went the musket stocks— bio v/s— kicks — cuffs — scratches 
— ^^black eyes and bloody noses, swelling the horrors of the 
^sceue! Thick-thwack, cut and hack, helter-skelter, higgledy- 

ipiggledy, hurly-burly, head over heels, rough and timable ! 

;Du3ader and blixum ! swore the Dutchmen— spUtter and splut- 
iter! e^^ied the Swedes.— Storm the works! shouted Hardkop- 
pig Peter— fire the mine! roared stout Eisingh— Tanta-ra-ra- 
ra! twanged the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear— until all 
voice ajid sound became unintelhgible— grunts of pain, yells 
of fury, and ^shouts of triumph comminghng in one hideous 
clamour. The earth shook as if struck with a paralytic stroke 
— trees shrunk aghast, and withered at the sight— rocks bur- 
rowed in the ground like rabbits, and even Christina creek 
•turned from its course, and ran up a mountain in breathless 
tterror ! 

Long hung the contest doubtful ; for, though a heavy shower 
of rain, sent by the " cloud-compelling Jove," in some measure 
cooled their ardour, as doth a bucket of water thrown on a 
group of fighting mastiffs, yet did they but pause for a mo- 
ment, to return with tenfold fury to the charge, belabouring 
eax3h other with black and bloody bruises. Just at this junc- 
ture was seen a \^ast and dense column of smoke, slowly roll- 
ing towards the scene of battle, which for a while made even 
the furious combatants to stay their arms in mute astonish- 
ment—but the wind for a moment dispersing the murky cloud, 
from the midst thereof emerged the flaunting banner of the 
immortal Michael Paw. This noble chieftain came fearlessly 
on, leading a sohd phalanx of oyster-fed Pavonians, who had 
remained behind, partly as a corps de reserve, and partly to 
digest the enormous dinner they had eaten. These sturdy 
yeomen, nothing daunted, did trudge manfully forward, smok' 



246 A HI8T0RT OF NEW-TOBK, 

ing their pipes with outrageous vigour, so as to raise the awful 
cloud that has been mentioned; but marching exceedingly 
slow, being short of leg, and of great rotundity in the belt. 

And now the protecting deities of the army of New- Amster- 
dam, having unthinkingly left the field and stept into a neigh- 
bouring tavern to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, a 
direful catastrophe had weU-nigh chanced to befall the Neder- 
landers. Scarcely had the myrmidons of the puissant Paw 
attained the front of battle, before the Swedes, instructed by 
the cunning Eisingh, levelled a shower of blows full at their 
tobacco-pipes. Astounded at this unexpected assault, and 
totally discomfited at seeing their pipes broken, the valiant 
Dutchmen fell in vast confusion— already they begin to fly — 
like a frightened drove of unwieldy elephants they throw 
their ow,n army in an uproar, bearing down a whole legion of 
little Hoppers— the sacred banner, on which is blazoned the 
gigantic oyster of Communipaw, is trampled in the dirt— the 
Swedes pluck up new spirits, and pressing on their rear, apply 
their feet a parte poste, with a vigour that prodigiously accel- 
erates their motions— nor doth the renowned Paw himself fail 
to receive divers grievous and dishonourable visitations of 
shoe-leather ! 

But what, oh muse? was the rage of the gallant Peter, when 
from afar he saw his army yield? With a voice of thunder 
did he roar after his recreant warriors. The men of the Man- 
hattoes plucked up new courage when they heard their leader 
— or rather they dreaded his fierce displeasure, of which they 
stood in more awe than of all the Swedes in Christendom— but 
the daring Peter, not waiting for their aid, plunged, sword in 
hand, into the thickest of the foe. Then did he display some 
such incredible achievements as have never been known since 
the miraculous days of the giants. Wherever he went, the 
enemy shrunk before him— with fierce impetuosity he pushed 
forward, driving the Swedes, like dogs, into their own ditch- 
but as he fearlessly advanced, the foe thronged in his rear, 
and hung upon his fiank with fearful peril. One crafty Swede, 
advancing warily on one side, drove his dastard sword full at 
the hero's heart ; but the protecting power that watches over 
the safety of all great and good men, turned aside the hostile 
blade, and directed it to a side pocket, where reposed an enor- 
mous iron tobacco-box, endowed, like the shield of Achilles, 
with supernatural powers— no doubt in consequence of its 
being piously decorated with a portrait of the blessed St. Nich- 



A histout of new-tobk 247 

olas. Thus was the dreadful blow repelled, but not without 
occasioning to the great Peter a fearful loss of wind. 

Like as a furious bear, when gored by curs, turns fiercely 
round, gnashes his teeth, and springs upon the foe, so did our 
hero turn upon the treacherous Swede. The miserable varlet 
sought in flight for safety — but the active Peter, seizing him 
by an immeasurable queue, that dangled from his head — " Ah, 
whoreson caterpillar!" roared he, "here is what shall make 
dog's meat of thee I" So saying, he whirled his trusty sword, 
and made a blow that would have decapitated him, but that 
the pitying steel struck short,, and shaved the queue for ever 
from his crown. At this very moment a cunning arquebusier, 
perched on the summit of a neighbouring mound, levelled his 
deadly instrument, and would have sent the gallant Stuyve- 
sant a wailing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore, had not the 
watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up her garter, 
seen the great peril of her favourite chief, and despatched old 
Boreas with his bellows ; who, in the very nick of time, just as 
the match descended to the pan, gave such a lucky blast, as 
blew aU the priming from the touch-hole ! 

Thus waged the horrid fight — when the stout Risingh, sur- 
veying the battle from the top of a little ravehn, perceived his 
faithful troops banged, beaten, and kicked by the invincible 
Peter. Language cannot describe the choler with which he 
was seized at the sight — he only stopped for a moment to dis- 
burthen himself of five thousand anathemas ; and then, draw- 
ing his immeasurable falchion, straddled down to the field of 
combat, with some such thundering strides as Jupiter is said 
by Hesiod to have taken when he strode down the spheres, to 
hurl his thunderbolts at the Titans. 

No sooner did these two rival heroes come face to face, than 
they each made a prodigious start, such as is made by your 
most experienced stage champions. Then did they regard 
each other for a moment, with bitter aspect, like two furious 
ram-cats, on the very point of a clapper-clawing. Then did 
they throw themselves in one attitude, then in another, strik- 
ing their swords on the ground, first on the right side, then on 
the left — at last, at it they went with incredible ferocity. 
Words cannot teU the prodigies of strength and valour dis- 
played in this direful encounter — an encounter, compared to 
which the far-famed battles of Ajax with Hector, of Eneas 
with Tumus, Orlando with Rodomont, Guy of Warwick with 
Colbrand the Dane, or that renowned Welsh knight, Sir Oweu 



^48 ^ msTonr of new-tork. 

of the Mountains with the giant Guylon, were all gentle sports 
and holyday recreations. At length the valiant Peter, watch- 
ing his opportunity, aimed a fearful blow, with the full inten- 
tion of cleaving Ms adversary to the very chine; but Risingh, 
nimbly raising his sword, warded it off so narrowly, that glanc- 
ing on one side, it shaved away a huge canteen that he always 
carried swung on one side ; thence pursuing its trenchant course, 
it severed off a deep coat-pocket, stored with bread and cheese 
— all which dainties rolling among the armies, occasioned a 
fearful scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, and 
made the general battle to wax ten times more furious than 
ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores thus wofully laid waste, 
the stout Risingh, collecting all liis forces, aimed a mighty 
blow full at the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little 
cocked hat oppose its course; the biting steel clove through 
the stubborn ram-beaver, and would infallibly have cracked 
his crown, but that the skull was of such adamantine hard- 
ness, that the brittle weapon shivered into pieces, shedding a 
thousand sparks, like beams of glory, round his grizzly visage. 

Stunned with the blow, the valiant Peter reeled, turned up 
his eyes, and beheld fifty thousand suns, besides moons and 
stars, dancing about the firmament — at length, missing his 
footing, by reason of his wooden leg, down he came, on his 
seat of honour, with a crash that shook the surrounding hills, 
and would infallibly have wrecked his anatomical system, had 
he not been received into a cushion softer than velvet, which 
Providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some kindly cow, 
had benevolently prepared for his reception. 

The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble maxim, cher- 
ished by all true knights, that " fair play is a jewel," hastened 
to take advantage of the hero's fall; but just as he was stoop- 
ing to give the fatal blow, the ever-vigilant Peter bestowed 
him a sturdy thwack over the sconce with his wooden leg, 
that set some dozen chimes of bells ringing triple bob-majors 
in his cerebellum. The bewildered Swede staggered with the 
hlow, and in the meantime the wary Peter, espying a pocket- 
pistol lying hard by, (which had dropped from the wallet of 
his faithful 'squire and trumpeter. Van Corlear, during his 
furious encounter with the drummer,) discharged it full at the^ 
head of the reeling Risingh. — Let not my reader mistake— it' 
was not a murderous weapon loaded with powder and ball, 
l)ut a Uttle sturdy stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with a 



A BISTORT OF NEW-YOBK. 249 

double dram of true Dutch courage, which the knowing Van 
Corlear always carried about him by way of replenishing his 
valour. The hideous missive sung through the air, and true 
to its course, as was the mighty fragment of a rock discharged 
at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered the huge head of the gi- 
gantic Swede with matchless violence. 

This heaven-directed blow decided the eventful battle. The 
ponderous pericranium of General Jan Eisingh sunk upon his 
breast ; his knees tottered under him ; a deatlilike torpor seized 
upon his giant frame, and he tumbled to the earth with such 
tremendous violence, that old Pluto started with affright, lest 
he should have broken through the roof of his infernal palace. 

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory. — The Swedes 
gave way — the Dutch pressed forward ; the former took to 
their heels, the latter hotly pursued— some entered with them, 
pell-mell, through the sally-port— others stormed the bastion, 
and others scrambled over the curtain. Thus, in a little while, 
the impregnable fortress of Fort Christina, which like another 
Troy had stood a siege of full ten hours, w^as finally carried by 
assault, without the loss of a single man on either side. Vic- 
tory, in the likeness of a gigantic ox-fly, sat perched upon the 
cocked hat of the gallant Stuyvesant ; and" it was universally 
declared, by all the writers whom he hired to write the his- 
tory of his expedition, that on tliis memorable day he gained 
a sufficient quantity of glory to immortalize a dozen of the 
•greatest heroes in Christendom I 



CHAPTER Vni. 

IN WHICH THE AUTHOR AND THE READER, WHILE REPOSING 
AFTER THE BATTLE, FALL INTO A VERY GRAVE DISCOURSE- 
AFTER WHICH IS RECORDED THE CONDUCT OF PETER STUYVE- 
SANT AFTER HIS VICTORY. 

Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished this tremen- 
dous battle ; let us sit down, my worthy reader, and cool our- 
selves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and agitation. — Truly 
this fighting of battles is hot work ! and if your great com- 
manders did but know what trouble they give their historians, 
they would not have the conscience to achieve so many horn- 



250 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

ble victories. But methinks I hear my reader complain, that 
throughout this boasted battle, there is not the least slaughter, 
nor a single individual maimed, if we except the unhappy Swede, 
who was shorn of his queue by the trenchant blade of Peter 
Stuy vesant ; all which, he observes, is a great outrage on proba- 
bility, and highly injurious to the interest of the narration. 

This is certainly an objection of no httle moment ; but it 
arises entirely from the obscurity that envelopes the remote 
periods of time, about which I have undertaken to write. 
Thus, though, doubtless, from the importance of the object, 
and the prowess of the parties concerned, there must have 
been terrible carnage, and prodigies of valour displayed, before, 
the walls of Christina, yet, notwithstanding that I have con- 
sulted every history, manuscript, and tradition, touching this 
memorable, though long-forgotten battle, I cannot find mention 
made of a single man killed or wounded in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty of our 
forefathers, who, like their descendants, were never prone to 
vaunt of their achievements ; but it is a virtue that places their 
historian in a most embarrassing predicament; for, having 
promised my readers a hideous and unparalleled battle, and 
having worked them up into a warlike and bloodthirsty state 
of mind, to put them off without any havoc and slaughter, was 
as bitter a disappointment as to summon a multitude of good peo- 
ple to attend an execution, and then cruelly balk by a reprieve. 

Had the inexorable fates only allowed me some half a score 
of dead men, I had been content ; for I would have made them 
such heroes as abounded in the olden time, but whose race 
is now unfortunately extinct— any one of whom, if we may 
believe those authentic writers, the poets, could drive great 
armies like sheep before him, and conquer and desolate whole 
cities by his single arm. 

But seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal, all that 
was left me was to make the most I could of my battle, by 
means of kicks, and cuffs, and bruises, and such like ignoble 
wounds. And here I cannot but compare my dilemma, in 
some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, having arrayed 
with sublime preparation his immortal hosts against each 
other, is sadly put to it how to manage them, and how he shall 
make the end of his battle answer to the beginning ; inasmuch 
as, being mere spirits, he cannot deal a mortal blow, nor even 
give a flesh wound to any of his combatants. For my part, 
the greatest difficulty I found, was, when I had once put my 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOUE. 251 

warriors in a passion, and let them loose into the midst of the 
enemy, to keep them from doing mischief. Many a time had 
I to restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigantic Swede 
to the very waistband, or spitting half-a-dozen httle fellows on 
his sword, like so many sparrows ; and when I had set some 
hundreds of missives flying in the air, I did not dare to suffer 
one of them to reach the ground, lest it should have put an 
end to some unlucky Dutchman. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to a writer, 
thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and how many 
tempting opportunities I had to wink at, where I might have 
made as fine a death-blow as any recorded in history or song. 

From my own experience, I begin to doubt most potently of 
the authenticity of many of Homer's stories. I verily believe, 
that when he had once lanched one of his favourite heroes 
among a crowd of the enemy, he cut down many an honest 
fellow, without any authority for so doing, excepting that he 
presented a fair mark —and that often a poor devil was sent to 
grim Pluto's domains, merely because he had a name that 
would give a sounding turn to a period. But I disclaim all 
such unprincipled liberties — let me but have truth and the law 
on my side, and no man would fight harder than myself : but 
since the various records I consulted did not warrant it, I had 
too much conscience to kill a single soldier. By St. Nicholas, 
but it would have been a pretty piece of business ! My ene- 
mies, the critics, who I foresee will be ready enough to lay 
any crime they can discover at my door, might have charged 
me with murder outright— and I should have esteemed myself 
lucky to escape with no harsher verdict than manslaughter ! 

And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly sitting down 
here, smoking our pipes, permit me to indulge in a melancholy 
reflection, which at this moment passes across my mind. — 
How vain, how fleeting, how uncertain are all those gaudy 
bubbles after which we are panting and toiling in this world 
of fair delusion! The wealth which the miser has amassed 
with so many weary days, so many sleepless nights, a spend- 
thrift heir may squander away in joyless prodigahty. The 
noblest monumentL^ which pride has ever reared to perpetuate 
a name, the hand of time will shortly tumble into ruins — and 
even the brightest laurels, gained by feats of arms, may 
wither and be for ever blighted by the chilling neglect of man- 
kind.— " How many illustrious heroes," says the good Boetius, 
'*who were once the pride and glory of the age, hath the 



252 ^ BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

silence of historians buried in eternal oblivion !" And this it 
was that induced the Spartans, when they went to battle,, 
solemnly to sacrifice to the muses, supplicating that their 
achievements should be worthily recorded. Had not Homer- 
tuned his lofty lyre, observes the elegant Cicero, the valour of 
Achilles had remained unsung. And such, too, after all the) 
toils and perils he had braved, after all the gallant actions 
he had achieved, such too had nearly been the fate of the 
chivalric Peter Stuyvesant, but that I fortunately stepped in 
and engraved his name on the indelible tablet of history, just 
as the caitiff Time was silently brushing it away for ever. 

The more I reflect, the more am I astonished at the impor- 
tant character of the historian. He is the sovereign censor, to 
decide upon the renown or infamy of his fellow-men — he is the 
patron of kings and conquerors, on whom it depends whether 
they shall live in after ages, or be forgotten, as were their 
ancestors before them. The tyrant may oppress while the 
object of his tyranny exists, but the historian possesses supe- 
rior might, for his power extends even beyond the grave. The 
shades of departed and long-forgotten heroes anxiously bend 
down from above, while he writes, watching each movement 
of his pen, whether it shall pass by their names with neglect,, 
or inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown. Even the; 
drop of ink that hangs trembling on his pen, which he may 
either dash upon the floor or waste in idle scrawlings— that 
very drop, which to him is not worth the twentieth part of 
a farthing, may be of incalculable value to some departed 
worthy — may elevate half a score, in one moment, to immor- 
tality, who would have given worlds, had they possessed 
them, to insure the glorious meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am indulging 
in vain-glorious boastings, or am anxious to blazon forth the 
importance of my tribe. On the contrary, I shrink when I 
reflect on the awful responsibility we historians assume— I 
shudder to think what direful commotions and calamities we 
occasion in the world— I swear to thee, honest reader, as I am 
a man, I weep at the very idea! Why, let me ask, are so 
many illustrious men daily tearing themselves away from the 
embraces of their families— slighting the smiles of beauty— 
despising the allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves 
to the miseries of war?— Why are kings desolating empires, 
and depopulating whole countries? In short, what induces all 
great men, of all ages and coimtries, to comnait so many 



A BISTORT OF NEW- YORK 253 

victories and misdeeds, and taflict so many miseries upon 
mankind and on themselves, but the mere hope that some his- 
torian will kindly take them into notice, and admit them into 
a corner of Ms volume. For, in short, the mighty object of 
all their toils, their hardships, and privations, is nothing but 
immortal fame — and what is innnortalfame? — why, half a page 
of dirty paper ! — Alas ! alas ! how humiliating the idea — that the* 
renown of so great a man as Peter Stuyvesant should depend 
upon the pen of so little a man as Diedrich Knickerbocker ! 

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fatigues and^ 
perils of the field, it behoves us to return once more to the 
scene of conflict, and inquire what were the results of this 
renowned conquest. The fortress of Christina being the fair 
metropohs, and in a manner the key to New-Sweden, its cap- 
ture was speedily followed by the entire subjugation of the 
province. This was not a little promoted by the gallant and 
courteous deportment of the chivalric Peter. Though a man 
terrible in battle, yet in the hour of victory was he endued 
with a spirit generous, merciful, and humane — he vaunted not 
over his enemies, nor did he make defeat more galling by un- 
manly insults; for Hke that mirror of knightly virtue, the 
renowned Paladin Orlando, he was more anxious to do great 
actions than to talk of them after they were done. He put no 
man to death ; ordered no houses to be burnt down ; permitted 
no ravages to be perpetrated on the property of the van- 
quished, and even gave one of his bravest officers a severe 
admonishment with his walking-staff, for having been detected 
in the act of sacking a hen-roost. 

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the inhabitants 
to submit to the authority of their High Mightinesses; but- 
declaring, with unexampled clemency, that whoever refused' 
should be lodged, at the public expense, in a goodly castle pro- 
vided for the purpose, and have an armed retinue to wait, 
on them in the bargain. In consequence of these beneficent 
terms, about thirty Swedes stepped manfully forward and 
took the oath of allegiance ; in reward for which, they were 
graciously permitted to remain on the banks of the Delaware, 
where their descendants reside at this very day. But I am 
told by divers observant travellers, that they have never been 
able to get over the chapfallen looks of their ancestors, and 
do still unaccountably transmit from father to son manifest 
marks of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Am- 
sterdaromers. 



254 ^ IIISTOMY OF NEW-YORK. 

The whole country of New-Sweden, having thus yielded to 
the arms of the trimnphant Peter, was reduced to a colony, 
called South River, and placed under the superintendence of 
a lieutenant-governor ; subject to the control of the supreme 
government at New- Amsterdam. This great dignitary was 
called Mynheer WiUiam Beekman, or rather Bechmsm, who 
derived his surname, as did Ovidius Naso of yore, from the 
lordly dimensions of his nose, which projected from the centre 
of his countenance like the beak of a parrot. He was the great 
progenitor of the tribe of the Beekmans, one of the most 
ancient and honourable families of the province, the members 
of which do gratefully commemorate the origin of their 
dignity, not as your noble families in England would do, by 
having a glowing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, 
but by one and all wearing a right goodly nose stuck in the 
very middle of their faces. 

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously terminated with 
the loss of only two men— Wolfert Van Home, a tall, spare 
man, who was knocked overboard by the boom of a sloop, in a 
flaw of wind ; and fat Brom Van Bummel, who was suddenly 
carried off by an indigestion ; both, however, were immortalized 
as having bravely fallen in the service of their country. True 
it is, Peter Stuyvesant had one of his limbs terribly frac- 
tured, being shattered to pieces in the act of storming the 
fortress ; but as it was fortunately his wooden leg, the wound 
was promptly and effectually healed. 

And now nothing rema,ins to this branch of my history, but 
to mention that this immaculate hero, and his victorious army, 
returned joyously to the Manhattoes, where they made a sol- 
emn and triumphant entry, bearing with them the conquered 
Risingh, and the remnant of his battered crew, who had 
refused allegiance ; for it appears that the gigantic Swede had 
only fallen into a swoon at the end of the battle, from whence 
he was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of the nose. 

These captive heroes were lodged, according to the promise 
of the governor, at the public expense, in a fair and spacious 
castle ; being the prison of state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, 
the immortal conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appointed gover- 
nor ; and which has ever since remained in the possession of 
his descendants.* 

* This castle, though very much altered and modernized, is still in being, and 
standss at the corner of Pearl-street, facing Coenties' slip. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 255 

It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the joy of the 
people of New- Amsterdam, at beholding their warriors once 
more return from this war in the wilderness. The old women 
thronged round Antony Van Corlear, who gave the whole 
history of the campaign with matchless accuracy : saving that 
he took the credit of fighting the whole battle himself, and 
especially of vanquishing the stout Risingh, which he consid- 
ered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that it was effected 
by his own stone pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holyday to 
their little urchins, who followed in droves after the drums, 
with paper caps on their heads, and sticks in their breeches, 
thus taking the first lesson in the art of war. As to the sturdy 
rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuyvesant wher- 
ever he went, waving their greasy hats in the air, and shout- 
ing " Hard-koppig Piet for ever!" 

It was, indeed, a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A huge 
dinner was prepared at the Stadt-liouse in honour of the con- 
querors, where were assembled, in one glorious constellation, 
the great and the little luminaries of New- Amsterdam. There 
were the lordly Schout and his obsequious deputy — the burgo- 
masters with their officious schepens at their elbows— the sub- 
altern officers at the elbows of the schepens, and so on to the 
lowest hanger-on of police ; every Tag having his Rag at his 
^de, to finish his pipe, drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his 
flights of immortal dulness. In short — for a city feast is a 
city feast all the world over, and has been a city feast ever 
since the creation — the dinner went off much the same as do 
our great corporation junketings and fourth of July banquets. 
Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl were devoured, oceans of liquor 
drunk, thousands of pipes smoked, and many a dull joke hon- 
oured with much obstreperous fat-sided laughter. 

I must not omit to mention, that to this far-famed victory 
Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his many titles 
—for so hugely dehghted were the honest burghers with his 
achievements, that they unanimously honoured him with the 
name of Pietre de Groodt, that is to say, Peter the Great, or, as it 
was translated by the people of New- Amsterdam, Piet de Pig 
— an appellation which he maintained even unto the day of his 
death. 



256 ^ HIBTOBr OF NEW-YOUK 



BOOK VII. 

CONTAINING THE THIRD FART OF THE REIGN OF 
PETER THE HEADSTRONG— HIS TROUBLES WITH 
THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND 
FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY, 



CHAPTEE I. 



HOW PETER STUYVESANT RELIEVED THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE 
FROM THE BURTHEN OF TAKING CARE OF THE NATION — WITH 
SUNDRY PARTICULARS OF HIS CONDUCT IN TIME OF PEACE. 

The history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant furnishes a 
melancholy picture of the incessant cares and vexations insep- 
arable from government ; and may serve as a solemn warning 
to all who are ambitious of attaining the seat of power. 
Though crowned with victory, enriched by conquest, and re- 
turning in triumph to his metropolis, his exultation was 
checked by beholding the sad abuses that had taken place dur- 
ing the short interval of his absence. 

The populace, unfortunately for their own comfort, had 
taken a deep draught of the intoxicating cup of power, during 
the reign of William the Testy ; and though, upon the accession 
of Peter Stuyvesant, they felt, with a certain instinctive per- 
ception, which mobs as well as cattle possess, that the reins of 
government had passed into stronger hands, yet could they not 
help fretting and chafing and champing upon the bit in restive 
silence. 

It seems, by some strange and inscrutable fatality, to be the 
destiny of most countries, (and more especially of your enlight- 
ened republics) always to be governed by the most incompetent 
man in the nation — so that you will scarcely find an individual, 
throughout the whole community, who cannot point out in- 
numerable errors in administration, and convince yori. in the 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. gg't 

end, that had he been at the head of affairs, matters would 
have gone on a thousand times more prosperously. Strange ! 
that government, which seems to be so generally understood, 
should invariably be so erroneously administered — strange, 
that the talent of legislation, so prodigally bestowed, should be 
denied to the only man in the nation to whose station it is 
requisite! 

Thus it was in the present instance; not a man of all the 
jherd of pseudo politicians in New- Amsterdam, but was an 
oracle on topics of state, and could have directed pubUc affairs 
incomparably better than Peter Stuyvesant. But so severe 
was the old governor, in his disposition, that he would never 
suffer one of the multitude of able counsellors by whom he 
was surrounded, to intrude his advice, and save the country 
from destruction. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition against 
the Swedes, than the old factions of William Kieft's reign be- 
gan to thrust their heads above water, and to gather together 
in political meetings, to discuss " the state of the nation." At 
these assemblages, the busy burgomasters and their officious 
schepens made a very considerable figure. These worthy dig- 
nitaries were no longer the fat, well-fed, tranquil magistrate^ 
that presided in the peaceful days of Wouter Van Twiller — on 
ithe contrary, being elected by the people, they formed in a 
jmanner a sturdy bulwark between the mob and the adminis- 
tration. They were great candidates for popularity, and 
strenuous advocates for the rights of the rabble ; resembling in 
disinterested zeal the wide-mouthed tribunes of ancient Eome, 
or those virtuous patriots of modern days, emphatically de- 
nominated " the friends of the people." 

Under the tuition of these profound politicians, it is astonish- 
ing how suddenly enlightened the swinish multitude became, 
in matters above their comprehensions. Cobblers, tinkers, 
and tailors, all at once felt themselves inspired, like those 
religious idiots, in the glorious times of monkish illumination ; 
and, without any previous study or experience, became in- 
fstantly capable of directing all the movements of government, 
^or must I neglect to mention a number of superannuated, 
wrong-headed old burghers, who had come over, when boys, 
in the crew of the Goede Vrouw^ and were held up as infallible 
oracles by the enlightened mob. To suppose that a man who 
had helped to discover a country, did not know how it ought 
to be governed, was preposterous in the extreme. It would 



258 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

have been deemed as much a heresy, as at the present day to 
question the poHtical talents and universal infallibility of our 
old " heroes of '76 " — and to doubt that he who had fought for 
a government, however stupid he might naturally be, was not 
competent to fill any station under it. 

But as Peter Stuy vesant had a singular inclination to govern 
his province without the assistance of his subjects, he felt 
highly incensed on his return to find the factious appearance 
they had assumed during his absence. His first measure, 
therefore, was to restore perfect order, by prostrating the 
dignity of the sovereign people. 

He accordingly watcned his opportunity, and one evening, 
when the enlightened mob was gathered together, listening to 
a patriotic speech from an inspired cobbler, the intrepid Peter 
all at once appeared among them, with a countenance suffi- 
cient to petrify a mill-stone. The whole meeting was thrown 
into consternation— the orator seemed to have received a 
paralytic stroke in the very middle of a sublime sentence, and 
stood aghast with open mouth and trembling knees, while the 
words horror ! tyranny ! liberty ! rights ! taxes ! death ! destruc- 
tion! and a deluge of other patriotic phrases, came roaring 
from his throat, before he had power to close his lips. The 
shrewd Peter took no notice of the skulking throng around 
him, but advancing to the brawling bully-ruffian, and drawing 
out a huge silver watch which might have served in times of 
yore as a town clock, and which is still retained by his de- 
scendants as a family curiosity, requested the orator to mend 
it, and set it going. The orator humbly confessed it was 
utterly out of his power, as he Avas unacquainted with the 
nature of its construction. "Nay, but," said Peter, "try your 
ingenuity, man ; you see all the springs and wheels, and how 
easily the clumsiest hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces ; 
and why should it not be equally easy to regulate as to stop 
it? The orator declared that his trade was wholly different— 
that he was a poor cobbler, and had never meddled with a 
watch in his life— that there were men skilled in the art, whose 
business it was to attend to those matters, but for his part, he 
should only mar the workmanship, and put the whole in con- 
fusion. —" Wliy, harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, turn- 
ing suddenly upon him, with a countenance that almost petri- 
fied the patcher of shoes into a perfect lap-stone — "dost thou 
pretend to meddle with the movements of government — to regu- 
late, and correct, and patch, and cobble a complicated machine, 



A mSTOBT OF NEW-TORK. 259 

the principles of which are above thy comprehension, and its 
simplest operations too subtle for thy understanding; when 
thou canst not correct a trifling error in a common piece of 
mechanism, the whole mystery of which is open to thy in- 
spection?— Hence with thee to the leather and stone, which are 
emblems of thy head ; cobble thy shoes, and confine thyseK 
to the vocation for which Heaven has fitted thee. — But," 
elevating his voice until it made the welkin ring, "if ever I 
catch thee, or any of thy tribe, meddling again mth affairs of 
government, by St. Nicholas, but I'll have every mother's 
bastard of ye flay'd alive, and your hides stretched for drum- 
heads, that ye may thenceforth make a noise to some purpose !" 

This threat, and the tremendous voice in which it was ut- 
tered, caused the Avhole multitude to quake with fear. The 
hair of the orator arose on his head like his own swine's 
bristles, and not a knight of the thimble present but his heart 
died within him, and he felt as though he could have verily 
escaped through the eye of a needle. 

But though tliis measure produced the desired effect in re- 
ducing the community to order, yet it tended to injure the 
popularity of the great Peter among the enlightened vulgar. 
Many accused him of entertaining highly aristocratic senti- 
ments, and of leaning too much in favour of the patricians. 
Indeed, there appeared to be some ground for such an accusa- 
tion, as he always carried himself with a very lofty, soldier- 
like port, and was somewhat particular in his dress ; dressing 
himself, when not in uniform, in simple, but rich apparel, and 
was especially noted for having his sound leg (which was a 
very comely one) always arrayed in a red stocking, and high- 
heeled shoe. Though a man of great simplicity of manners, 
yet there was something about him that repelled rude famih- 
arity, while it encouraged frank, and even social intercourse. 

He likewise observed some appearance of court ceremony 
and etiquette. He received the common class of visitors on 
the stoop"^ before his door according to the custom of our 
Dutch ancestors. But when visitors were formally received 
in his parlour, it was expected they would appear in clean 
linen ; by no means to be bare-footed, and always to take their 
hats off. On public occasions, he appeared with great pomp of 
equipage, (for, in truth, his station required a little show and 



* Properly spelled s/oe6— the porch commonly built in front of Dutch houses, 
with benches on each side. 



geO ^ aiSfORt OF NEW-YOnK 

dignity) and always rode to chiu'ch in a yellow wagon with 
flaming red wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony occasioned consider- 
able discontent among the vulgar. They had been accustomed 
to find easy access to their former governors, and in particular 
had lived on terms of extreme familiarity with William the 
Testy. They therefore were very impatient of these dignified 
precautions, which discouraged intrusion. But Peter Stuyve- 
sant had his own way of thinking in these matters, and was a 
staunch upholder of the dignity of office. 

He always maintained that government to be the least popu- 
lar which is most open to popular access and control ; and that 
the very brawlers against court ceremony, and the reserve of 
men in power, would soon despise rulers among whom they 
found even themselves to be of consequence. Such, at least, 
had been the case with the administration of William the 
Testy ; who, bent on making himself popular, had listened to 
every man's advice, suffered everybody to have admittance to 
his person at all hours, and, in a word, treated every one as his 
thorough equal. By this means, every scrub politician, and 
public busy-body, was enabled to measure wits with him, and 
to find out the true dimensions, not only of his person, but his 
mind. — And what great man can stand such scrutiny? — It is 
the mystery that envelopes great men that gives them half 
their greatness. We are always inclined to think highly of 
those who hold themselves aloof from our examination. There 
is likewise a kind of superstitious reverence for office, which 
leads us to exaggerate the merits and abilities of men in power, 
and to suppose that they must be constituted different from 
other men. And, indeed, faith is as necessary in politics as in 
religion. It certainly is of the first importance, that a country 
should be governed by wise men ; but then it is almost equally 
important, that the people should believe them to be wise ; for 
this belief alone can produce willing subordination. 

To keep up, therefore, this desirable confidence in rulers, the 
people should be allowed to see as httle of them as possible. 
He who gains access to cabinets soon finds out by what foolish- 
ness the world is governed. He discovers that there is quack- 
ery in legislation, as well as in every thing else ; that many a 
measure, which is supposed by the million to be the result of 
great wisdom, and deep deliberation, is the effect of mere 
chance, or, perhaps, of harebrained experiment— that rulers 
have their whims and errors as well as other men, and after 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 261 

all are not so wonderfully superior to their fellow-creatures as 
he at first imagined ; since he finds that even his own opinions 
have had some weight with them. Thus awe subsides into 
confidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and familiarity 
produces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on the contrary, by 
conducting himself with dignity and loftiness, was looked up 
to with great reverence. As he never gave his reasons for any 
thing he did, the public always gave him credit for very pro- 
found ones — every movement, however intrinsically unimpor- 
tant, was a matter of speculation, and his very red stockings 
excited some respect, as being different from 'the stockings of 
other men. 

To these times may we refer the rise of family pride and 
aristocratic distinctions ;* and indeed, I cannot but look back 
with reverence to the early planting of those mighty Dutch 
families, which have taken such vigorous root, and branched 
out so luxuriantly in our state. The blood which has flowed 
down uncontaminated through a succession of steady, virtuous 
generations since the times of the patriarchs of Communipaw, 
must certainly be pure and worthy. And if so, then are the 
Van Rensselaers, the Van Zandts, the Van Homes, the Rut- 
gers, the Bensons, the Brinkerhoffs, the Schermerhornes, and' 
all the true descendants of the ancient Pavonians, the only 
legitimate nobility and real lords of the soil. 

I have been led to mention thus particularly the well- 
authenticated claims of our genuine Dutch families, because I 
have noticed, with great sorrow and vexation, that they have 
been somewhat elbowed aside in latter days by foreign intrud- 
ers. It is really astonishing to behold how many great fami- 
lies have sprung up of late years, who pride themselves exces- 
sively on the score of ancestry. Thus he who can look up to 
his father without humiliation assumes not a little importance 
— he "who can safely talk of his grandfather, is still more vain- 
glorious — but he who can look back to his great-grandfather 
without blushing, is absolutely intolerable in his pretensions to 
f amOy — bless us ! what a piece of work is here, between these 
mushrooms of an hour, and these mushrooms of a day ! 

But from what I have recounted in the former part of this 

* In a work published many years after the time here treated of (in 1701, by C. 
W/A. M.), it is mentioned that Frederick Philipse was counted the richest Mynheer 
in New- York, and was said to have vilwle hogsheads of Indian motiey or wampum; 
and had a son and daughter, who, according to the Dutch custom, should divide it. 
equall^ 



262 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

chapter, I would not have my reader imagine that the great 
Peter was a tyrannical governor, ruling his subjects with a rod of 
iron— on the contrary, where the dignity of authority was not 
implicated, he abounded with generosity and courteous con- 
descension. In fact, he really believed, though I fear my 
more enlightened republican readers will consider it a proof of 
his ignorance and illiberality, that in preventing the cup of 
social life from being dashed with the intoxicating ingredient 
of politics, he promoted the tranquillity and happiness of the 
people— and by detaching their minds from subjects which 
they could not understand, and which only tended to inflame 
their passions, he enabled them to attend more faithfully and 
industriously to their proper callings ; becoming more useful 
citizens, and more attentive to their families and fortunes. 

So far from having any unreasonable austerity, he delighted 
to see the poor and the labouring man rejoice, and for this pur- 
pose was a great promoter of holy days and public amusements. 
Under his reign was first introduced the custom of cracking 
eggs at Paas, or Easter. New-year's day was also observed 
with extravagant festivity, and ushered in by the ringing of 
bells and firing of guns. Every house was a temple to the jolly 
god— oceans of cherry brandy, true Hollands, and mulled 
cider, were set afloat on the occasion ; and not a poor man in 
town but made it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of 
pure economy — ^taking in liquor enough to serve him for half 
a year afterwards. 

It would have done one's heart good, also, to have seen the 
valiant Peter, seated among the old burghers and their wives 
of a Saturday afternoon, under the great trees that spread 
their shade over the Battery, watching the young men and 
women, as they danced on the green. Here he would smoke 
his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the rugged toils of war in 
the sweet obhvious festivities of peace. He would occasionally 
give a nod of approbation to those of the young men who 
shuffled and kicked most vigorously, and now and then give a 
hearty smack, in aU honesty of soul, to the buxom lass that 
held out longest, and tired down all her competitors, which he 
considered as infallible proofs of her being the best dancer. 
Once, it is true, the harmony of the meeting was rather inter- 
rupted. A young vrouw, of great figure in the gay world, and 
who, having lately come from Holland, of course led the fash- 
ions in the city, made her appearance in not more than half-a- 
dozen petticoats, and these too of most alarming shortness. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 263 

An universal whisper ran through the assembly, the old ladies 
all felt shocked in the extreme, the young ladies blushed, and 
felt excessively for the "poor thing," and even the governor 
himself was observed to be a Httle troubled in mind. To com- 
plete the astonishment of the good folks, she undertook, in the 
course of a jig, to describe some astonishing figures in algebra, 
which she had learned from a dancing-master at Rotterdam. 
Whether she was too animated in flourishing her feet, or 
whether some vagabond zeyphr took the liber^^y of obtruding 
his services, certain it is that in the course of a grand evolu- 
tion, which would not have disgraced a modern ball-room, she 
made a most unexpected display — whereat the whole assembly 
was thrown into great admiration, several grave country 
members were not a^ httle moved, and the good Peter himself, 
who was a man of unparalleled modesty, felt himself grievously 
scandalized. 

The shortness of the female*dresses, which had continued in 
fashion ever since the days of WilUam Kief t, had long offended 
his eye, and though extremely averse to meddhng with the 
petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately recommended that 
every one should be furnished with a flounce to the bottom. 
He likewise ordered that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, 
should use no other step in dancing, than shufile-and-turn, and 
double-trouble ; and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, 
any young lady thenceforth to attempt what was termed 
"exhibiting the graces." 

These were the only restrictions he ever imposed upon the 
sex, and these were considered by them as tyrannical oppres- 
sions, and resisted with that becoming spirit always mani- 
fested by the gentler sex, whenever* their privileges are 
invaded. — In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly perceived that if 
he attempted to push the matter any farther, there was danger 
of their leaving off petticoats altogether ; so Hke a wise man, 
experienced in the ways of women, he held his peace, and suf- 
fered them ever after to wear their petticoats and cut their 
capers as high as they pleased. 



264 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YOEK. 



CHAPTER II. 

HOW PETER STUYVESANT WAS MUCH MOLESTED BY THE MOSS- 
TROOPERS OF THE EAST, AND THE GIANTS OF MERRYLAND- 
AND HOW A DARK AND HORRID CONSPIRACY WAS CARRIED ON 
IN THE BRITISH CABINET AGAINST THE PROSPERITY OF THE 
MANHATTOES. 

We are now approaching towards the crisis of our work, 
and if I be not mistaken in my forebodings, we shall have a 
world of business to despatch in the ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities, as it is Vith certain meddle- 
some individuals, they have a wonderful facility at getting 
into scrapes ; and I have always remarked, that those are most 
liable to get in who have the least talent at getting out again. 
This is, doubtless, owing to the excessive valour of those 
states; for I have likewise noticed that this rampant and 
ungovernable quality is always most unruly where most con- 
fined ; which accounts for its vapouring so amazingly in little 
states, little men, and ugly little women especially. 

Thus, when one reflects, that the province of the Manhattoes, 
though of prodigious importance in the eyes of its inhabitants 
and its historian, was really of no very great consequence in 
the eyes of the rest of the world ; that it had but little wealth 
or other spoils to reward the trouble of assailing it, and that it 
had nothing to expect from running wantonly into war, save an 
exceeding good beating. —On pondering these things, I say, one 
would utterly despair of finding in its history either battles or 
bloodshed, or any other of those calamities which give impor- 
tance to a nation, and entertainment to the reader. But, on 
the contrary, we find, so valiant is this province, that it has 
already drawn upon itself a host of enemies ; has had as many 
buffetings as would gratify the ambition of the most warlike 
nation ; and is, in sober sadness, a very forlorn, distressed, and 
woe-begone little province ! — all which was, no doubt, kindly 
ordered by Providence, to give interest and sublimity to this 
pathetic history. 

But I forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful maraudings 
and harassments, that, for a long while after the victory on 
tho Delaware, continued to insult the dignity, and disturb the 
repose, of the Nederlanders. Buffice jt iii brevity to say, that 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 265 

the implacable hostility of the people of the east, which had 
so miraculously been prevented from breaking out, as my 
readers must remember, by the sudden prevalence of witch- 
craft, and the dissensions in the council of Amphyctions, now 
again displayed itself in a thousand grievous and bitter 
scourings upon the borders. 

Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch settlements on 
the frontiers were alarmed by the sudden appearance of an 
invading army from Connecticut. This would advance reso- 
lutely through the country, hke a puissant caravan of the 
deserts, the women and children mounted in carts loaded with 
pots and kettles, as though they meant to boil the honest 
Dutchmen alive, and devour them like so many lobsters. At 
the tails of these carts would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank- 
sided varlets, with axes on their shoulders and packs on their 
backs, resolutely bent ui)on improving the country in despite 
of its proprietors. These, settling themselves down, would in 
a short time completely dislodge the unfortunate Nederland- 
ers ; elbowing them out of those rich bottoms and fertile val- 
leys, in which our Dutch yeomanry are so famous for nestling 
themselves. For it is notorious, that wherever these shrewd 
men of the east get a footing, the honest Dutchmen do gradu- 
ally disappear, retiring slowly, like the Indians before the 
whites; being totally discomfited by the talking, chaffering, 
swapping, bargaining disposition of their new neighbours. 

All these audacious infringements on the territories of their 
High Mightinesses were accompanied, as has before been 
hinted, by a world of rascally brawls, ribroastings, and bund 
Hngs, which would doubtless have incensed the valiant Peter 
to wreak immediate chastisement, had he not at the very same 
time been perplexed by distressing accounts from Mynheer 
Beckman, who commanded the territories at South river. 

The restless Swedes, who had so graciously been suffered to 
remain about the Delaware, already began to show signs of 
mutiny and disaffectk)n. But what was worse, a peremptory 
claim was laid to the whole territory, as the rightful property 
of Lord Baltimore, by Feudal, a chieftain who ruled over the 
colony of Maryland, or Merry-land, as it was anciently called, 
because that the inhabitants, not having the fear of the Lord 
before their eyes, were notoriously prone to get fuddled and 
make merry with mint-julep and apple-toddy. Nay, so hostile 
was this bully Feudal, that he threatened, unless his claim was 
instantly' complied with, to march incontinently at the head of 



266 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-TOS^K. 

a potent force of the roaring boys of Merry-land, together with 
a great and mighty train of giants, who infested the banks of 
the Susquehanna*— and to lay waste and depopulate the whole 
country of South river. 

By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, like all great 
acquisitions of territory, soon became a greater evil to the con- 
queror than the loss of it was to the conquered ; and caused 
greater uneasiness and trouble than all the territory of the 
New-Netherlands besides. Thus Providence wisely orders that 
one evil shall balance another. The conqueror who wrests the 
property of his neighbour, who wrongs a nation and desolates 
a country, though he may acquire increase of empire and im- 
mortal fame, yet insures his own inevitable punishment. He 
takes to himself a cause of endless anxiety — he incorporates 
with his late sound domain a loose part— a rotten, disaffected 
member; which is an exhaustless source of internal treason 
and disunion, and external altercation and hostility. Happy 
is that nation, which compact, united, loyal in all its parts, and 
concentrated in its strength, seeks no idle acquisition of un- 
profitable and ungovernable territory— which, content to be 
prosperous and happy, has no ambition to be great. It is like 
a man well organized in his system, sound in health, and full 
of vigour ; unencumbered by useless trappings, and fixed in an 
unshaken attitude. But the nation, insatiable of territory, 
whose domains are scattered, feebly united and weakly organ- 
ized, is like a senseless miser sprawling among golden stores, 
open to every attack, and unable to defend the riches he vainly 
endeavours to overshadow. 

At the time of receiving the alarming despatches from South 
river, the great Peter was busily employed in queUing certain 
Indian troubles that had broken out about Esopus, and was 
moreover meditating how to relieve his eastern borders on the 
Connecticut. He, however, sent word to Mynheer Beckman 
to be of good heart, to maintain incessant vigilance, and to let 



* We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these strange people (who 
were doubtless the ancestors of the present Marylanders) made by Master Hariot, 
in his interesting history. "The Susquesahanocks," observer he," are a giantly 
people, strange in proportion, behaviour, and attire— their voice sounding from 
them as if out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quarters of a yard long, 
carved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out 
the braines of a horse, (and how many asses braines a re beaten out, or rather 
men's braines smoked out, and asses braines haled in, by our lesser pipes at home.) 
The calfe of one of their legges measured three quarters of a yard about, the rest 
of his limbs proportionable, "—ilfasfer HarioVs Journ. Purch. Pil. 



A mSTOBY OF NEW-YORK. ^67 

him know if matters wore a more threatening appearance ; in 
which case he would incontinently repair with his warriors of 
the Hudson, to spoil the merriment of these Merry-landers; 
for he coveted exceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with 
some half a score of these giants— having never encountered a 
giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the stout Risingh, 
and he was but a little one. 

Nothing farther, however, occurred to molest the tran- 
quillity of Mynheer Beckman and his colony. Feudal and 
his myrmidons remained at home, carousing it soundly upon 
hoe-cakes, bacon, and mint-julep, and running Horses, and 
fighting cocks, for which they were greatly renowned. — At 
hearing of this, Peter Stuyvesant was very well pleased, for 
notwithstanding his inclination to measure weapons with 
these monstrous men of the Susquehanna, yet he had already 
as much employment nearer home as he could turn his hands 
to. Little did he think, worthy soul, that this southern calm 
was but the deceitful prelude to a most terrible and fatal 
storm, then brewing, which was soon to burst forth and over- 
whelm the unsuspecting city of New- Amsterdam. 

Now so it was, that while this excellent governor was giving 
hishttle senate laws, and not only giving them, but enforcing 
them too— while he was incessantly travelling the rounds of 
his beloved province— posting from place to place to redress 
grievances, and while busy at one corner of his dominions, all 
the rest getting into an uproar— at this very time, I say, a 
dark and direful plot was hatching against him, in that 
nursery of monstrous projects, the British cabinet. The news 
of his achievements on the Delaware, according to a sage old 
historian of New- Amsterdam, had occasioned not a little talk 
and marvel in the com'ts of Europe. And the same profound 
writer assures us, that the cabinet of England began to enter- 
tain great jealousy and uneasiness at the increasing power of 
the Manhattoes, and the valour of its sturdy yeomanry. 

Agents, the same historian observes, were sent by the Am- 
phyctionic council of the east to entreat the assistance of the 
British cabinet in subjugating this mighty province. Lord 
Sterling also asserted his right to Long Island, and at the same 
time, Lord Baltimore, whose agent, as has before been men- 
tioned, had so alarmed Mynheer Beckman, laid his claim be- 
fore the cabinet to the lands of South river, which he com- 
plained were unjustly and forcibly detained from him by these 
daring usurpers of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. 



268 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK 

Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhattoes stand in 
imminent danger of experiencing the fate of Poland, and 
being torn limb from limb to be shared among its savage 
neighbours. But while these rapacious powers were whetting 
their fangs, and waiting for the signal to fall tooth and nail 
upon this dehcious httle fat Dutch empire, the lordly lion, who 
sat as umpire, all at once settled the claims of all parties, by 
laying this own paw upon the spoil. For we are told that his 
majesty, Charles the Second, not to be perplexed by adjusting 
these several pretensions, made a present of a large tract of 
North America, including the province of New-Netherlands, to 
his brother, the Duke of York— a donation truly loyal, since 
none but great monarchs have a right to give away what does 
not belong to them. 

That this munificent gift might not be merely nominal, his 
majesty, on the 12th of March, 1664, ordered that an armament 
should be forthwith prepared, to invade the city of New- Am- 
sterdam by land and water, and put his brother in complete 
possession of the premises. 

Thus critically are situated the affairs of the New-Nether- 
landers. The honest burghers, so far from" thinking of the 
jeopardy in which their interests are placed, are soberly 
smoking their pipes, and thinking of nothing at aU— the privy 
counsellors of the province are at this moment snoring in full 
quorum, while the acting Peter, who takes all the labour of 
thinking and active upon himself, is busily devising some 
method of bringing the grand council of Amphyctions to 
terms. In the meanwhile, an angry cloud is darkly scowling 
on the horizon — soon shall it rattle about the ears of these 
dozing Nederlanders, and put the mettle of their stout-hearted 
governor completely to the trial. 

But come what may, I here pledge my veracity that in all 
warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, he shall still acquit 
himself with the gallant bearing and spotless honour of a 
noble-minded, obstinate old cavaher. — Forward then to the 
charge!— shine out, propitious stars, on the renowned city of 
the Manhattoes ; and may the blessing of St. Nicholas go with 
thee — honest Peter Stuy vesant ! 



A HI8T0RT OF NEW- YORK. 269 



CHAPTER III. 



SHOWING THAT THOUGH AN OLD BIRD HE DID NOT UNDER- 
' STAND TRAP. 

Great nations resemble great men in this particular, that 
their greatness is seldom knov/n until they get in trouble; 
adversity, therefore, has been wisely denominated the ordeal 
of true greatness, which, like gold, can never receive its real 
estimation, until it has passed through the furnace. In pro- 
portion, therefore, as a nation, a community, or an individual 
(possessing the inherent quahty of greatness) is involved in 
perils and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in grandeur — 
and even when sinking under calamity, makes, like a house 
on fire, a more glorious display than ever it did in the fairest 
period of its prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming with population 
and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of nations, has 
vegetated through a succession of drowsy ages ; and were it 
not for its internal revolution, and the subversion of its ancient 
government by the Tartars, might have presented nothing but 
an uninteresting detail of dull, monotonous prosperity. Pom- 
peii and Herculaneum might have passed into oblivion, with a 
herd of their contemporaries, if they had not been fortunately 
overwhelmed by a volcano. The renowned city of Troy has 
acquired celebrity only from its ten years' distress, and final 
conflagration— Paris rises in importance by the plots and mas- 
sacres which have ended in the exaltation of the illustrious 
Napoleon — and even the mighty London itself has skulked 
through the records of time, celebrated for nothing of moment, 
excepting the plague, the groat fire, and Guy Faux's gun- 
poAvder plot !— Thus-cities and empires seem to creep along, 
enlarging in silent obscurity under the pen of tlie historian, 
until at length they burst forth in some tremendous calamity 
— and snatch, as it were, immortality from the explosion ! 

The above principle being admitted, my reader will plainly 
perceive that the city of New- Amsterdam, and its dependent 
province, are on the high road to greatness. Dangers and 
hostiUties threaten from every side, and it is really a matter 
gf astonishment to me^ how so small a state has been able, in 



270 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

SO short a time, to entangle itself in so many difficulties. 
Ever since the province was JBirst taken by the nose, at the 
Fort of Good Hope, in the tranquil days of Wouter Van 
Twiller, has it been gradually increasing in historic import- 
ance ; and never could it have had a more approi^riate chief- 
tain to conduct it to the pinnacle of grandeur, than Peter 
Stuyvesant. 

In the fiery heart of this iron-headed old warrior sat en- 
throned all those fiv.e kinds of courage described by Aristotle, 
and had the philosopher mentioned five hundred more to the 
back of them, I verily believe he would have been found mas- 
ter of them all. The only misfortune was, that he was defi- 
cient in the better part of valour, called discretion, a cold- 
blooded virtue which could not exist in the tropical climate of 
his mighty soul. Hence it was, he was continually hurrying 
into those unheard-of enterprises that gave an air of chivalric 
romance to all his history, and hence it was that he now con- 
ceived a project worthy of the hero of La Mancha himself. 

This was no other than to repair in person to the great 
council of the Amphyctions, bearing the sword in one hand 
and the olive-branch in the other — to require immediate repa- 
ration for the innumerable violations of that treaty which in 
an evil hour he had formed — to put a stop to those repeated 
maraudings on the eastern borders — or else to throw his 
gauntlet and appeal to arms for satisfaction. 

On declaring this resolution in his privy council, the vener- 
able members were seized with vast astonishment ; for once in 
their lives they ventured to remonstrate, setting forth the 
rashness of exposing his sacred person in the midst of a strange 
and barbarous people, with sundry other weighty remon- 
strances—all which had about as much influence upon the 
determination of the headstrong Peter as though you were to 
endeavour to turn a rusty weathercock with a broken- winded 
bellows. 

Summoning, therefore, to his presence ^his trusty follower, 
Antony Van Corlear, he commanded him to hold himself in 
readiness to accompany him the following morning on this his 
hazardous enterprise. Now Antony the trumpeter was a little 
stricken in years, yet by dint of keeping up a good heart, and 
having never known care or sorrow, (having never been mar- 
ried,) he was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, gamesome wag, 
and of great capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed to 
his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook, which 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. ^71 

iPeter Stuy vesant had granted to him for his gallantry at Fort 
Casimir. 

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted 
Antony than this command of the great Peter, for he could 
have followed the stout-hearted old governor to the world's 
end with love and loyalty — and he moreover still remembered 
the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, and other disports 
of the east country, and entertained dainty recollection of 
numerous kind and buxom lasses, whom he longed exceedingly 
again to encounter. 

Thus, then, did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with 
no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the most 
perilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of knight- 
errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly among a 
whole nation of foes; but above all, for a plain downright 
Dutchman to think of negotiating with the whole council of 
New-England — never was there known a more desperate un- 
dertaking!— Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of 
this peerless, but hitherto uncelebrated, cliief tain, has he kept 
me in a state of incessant action and anxiety with the toils and 
dangers he is constantly encountering.— Oh! for a chapter of 
the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I might repose 
on it as on a feather bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once already 
rescued thee from the machinations of these terrible Anaphyc- 
tions, by bringing the whole powers of witchcraft to thine 
aid? — Is it not enough that I have followed thee undaunted, 
like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid battle of 
Fort Christina?— That I have been put incessantly to my 
trumps to keep thee safe and sound— now warding off with my 
single pen the shower of dastard blows that feU upon thy rear 
— now narrowly shielding thee from a deadly thrust, by a 
mere tobacco-box — now casing thy dauntless skull with ada- 
mant, when even thy stubborn ram-beaver failed to resist the 
sword of the stout Risingh — and now, not merely bringing 
thee off alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigan- 
tic Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle? — 
Is not all this enough, but must thou still be plunging into 
new diflSculties, and jeopardizing in headlong enterprises, thy- 
self, thy trumpeter, and thy historian? 

And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom chamber- 
maid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night, and out 
bounces from his bed the jolly red-haired Phoebus, startled at 



272 A. BtSTOllY OF NEW-YOMK 

being caught so late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With 
many a sable oath, he harnesses his brazen-footed steeds, and 
whips and lashes, and splashes up the firmament, like a loiter- 
ing post-boy, half an hour behind his time. And now behold 
that imp of fame and prowess, the headstrong Peter, bestrid- 
ing a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, gallantly arrayed in 
full regimentals, and bracing on his thigh that trusty brass- 
hilted sword, which had wrought such fearful deeds on the 
banks of the Delawane. 

Behold, hard after him, his doughty trumpeter Van Corlear, 
mounted on a broken- winded, wall-eyed, cahco mare ; his stone 
pottle, which had laid low the mighty Risingh, slung under his 
arm, and his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his right hand, 
decorated with a gorgeous banner, on which is emblazoned the 
great beaver of the Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing 
out of the city gate like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his 
faithful 'squire at his heels, the populace following them with 
their eyes, and shouting many a parting wish and hearty 
cheering.— Farewell, Hardkoppig Pietl Farewell, honest An- 
tony !— Pleasant be your wayfaring— prosperous your return ! 
The stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the worthiest 
trumpeter that ever trod shoe-leather ! 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events that befell our 
adventurers in this their adventurous travel, excepting the 
Stuyvesant manuscript, which gives the substance of a pleas- 
ant little aeroic poem written on the occasion by Domini 
^gidius Luyck,* Avho appears to have been the poet laureat 
of New- Amsterdam. This inestimable manuscript assures us 
that it was a rare spectacle to behold the great Peter and his 
loyal follower hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the 
clear countenance of nature, as they pranced it through the 
pastoral scenes of Bloemen Dael ; t which in those days was a 
sweet and rural valley, beautified with many a bright wild 
flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and enlivened 
here and there by a delectable little Dutch cottage, sheltered 
under some sloping hill, and almost buried in embowering 
trees. 

Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut, where 
they encountered many grievoys difficulties and perils. At 

* This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latiu School in Nieuw-Nederlandt, 
1663. There are two pieces addressed to JEgidius Luyck, in D. Selyn's MSS. of 
poesies, upon his marriage with Judith Isendoorn. Old MS. 

t Now ca^Ued Blooming Dale, about four miles from New- York. 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 273 

one place they were assailed by a troop of country 'squires and 
militia colonels, who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung upon 
their rear for several miles, harassing them exceedingly with 
guesses and questions, more especially the worthy Peter, whose 
silver-chased leg excited not a little marvel. At another place, 
hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they were set upon 
by a great and mighty legion of church deacons, who imperi- 
ously demanded of them five shillings, for travelling on Sun- 
day, and threatened to carry them captive to a nei.i,hbouring 
church, v/hose steeple peered above the trees; but these the 
valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, insomuch thp.t 
they bestrode their canes and galloped off in horrible con- 
fusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the hurry of their 
flight. But not so easily did he escape from the hands of 
a crafty man of Piquag; who, with undaunted perseverance, 
and repeated onsets, fairly bargained him out of his goodly 
switched-tailed charger, leaving in place thereof a villainous 
foundered Narraganset pacer. 

But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their journey 
cheerily along the course of the soft flowing Connecticut, 
whose gentle waves, says the song, roll through many a fer- 
tile vale and sunny plain ; now reflecting the lofty spires of the 
bustling city, and now the rural beauties of the humble ham- 
let ; now echoing with the busy hum of commerce, and nov/ 
with the cheerful song of the peasant. 

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted for 
warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Antony to sound a cour- 
teous salutation; though the manuscri]3t observes, that the 
inhabitants were thrown into great dismay when they heard 
of his approach. For the fame of his incomparable achieve- 
ments on the Dela^Avare had spread throughout the east coun- 
try, and they dreaded lest he had come to take vengeance on 
their manifold transgressions. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns with a smiling 
aspect ; waving his hand with inexpressible majesty and con- 
descension ; for he verily believed that the old clothes which 
these ingenious people had thrust into their broken windows, 
and the festoons of dried apples and peacjjes which ornamented 
the fronts of their houses, were so many decorations in honour 
of his approach ; as it was the custom, in the days of chivalry, 
to compliment renowned heroes by smnptuous displays of 
tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The women crowded to the 
doors to gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prowess in 



274 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

arms delight the gentle sex. The little children, too, ran after 
him in troops, staring with wonder at his regimentals, his 
brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture of his wooden 
leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which many strap- 
ping wenches betraj^ed at beholding the jovial Van Corlear, 
who had whilom delighted them so much with his trumpet, 
when he bore the great Peter's challenge to the Amphyctions. 
The kind-hearted Antony alighted from his calico mare, and 
kissed them all with infinite loving kindness— and was right 
pleased to see a crew of httle trumpeters crowding around him 
for his blessing; each of whom he patted on the head, bade 
him be a good boy, and gave him a penny to buy molasses 
candy. 

The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little farther mention 
of the governor's adventures upon this expedition, excepting 
that he was received with extravagant courtesy and respect 
by the great council of the Amphyctions, who almost talked 
him to death with complimentary and congratulatory ha- 
rangues. I will not detain my readers by dwelling on his 
negotiations with the grand council. Sufiice it to mention, it 
was like all other negotiations —a great deal was said, and very 
little done: one conversation led to another — one conference 
begat misunderstandings which it took a dozen conferences to 
explain ; at the end of which, the parties found themselves just 
where they were at first ; excepting that they had entangled 
themselves in a host of questions of etiquette, and conceived a 
cordial distrust of each other, that rendered their future nego- 
tiations ten times more difficult than ever.* 

In the midst of all these perplexities, which bewildered the 
brain and incensed the ire of the sturdy Peter, who was per- 
haps of all men in the world least fitted for diplomatic wiles, 
he privately received the first intimation of the dark con- 
spiracy which had been matured in the Cabinet of England. 
To this was added the astounding intelligence that a hostile 
squadron had already sailed from England, destined to reduce 
the province of New-Netherlands, and that the grand council 
of Amphyctions had engaged to co-operate, by sending a great 
army to invade New- Amsterdam by land. 

Unfortunate Peter! did I not enter with sad foreboding 



* For certain of the particulars of this ancient negotiation see Haz. Col. State 
Papers. It is singular that Smith is entirely silent with respect to this memorable 
expedition of Peter Stuyresant. 



A HISTORY or NEW-YORK. 275 

upon this ill-starred expedition? did I not tremble when I saw 
thee, with no other counsellor but thine own head, with no 
other armour but an honest tongue, a spotless conscience, and 
a rusty sword ! with no other protector but St. Nicholas — and 
no other attendant but a trumpeter— did I not tremble when I 
beheld thee thus sally forth to contend with all the knowing 
powers of New-England? 

Oh, how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when he 
found himself thus entrapped, like a .Hon in the hunter's toil ! 
Now did he determine to draw his trusty sword, and manfully 
to fight his way through all the countries of the east. Now 
did he resolve to break in upon the council of the Amphyc- 
tions, and put every mother's son of them to death. At length, 
as his direful wrath subsided, he resorted to safer though less 
glorious expedients. 

Concealing from the council his knowledge of their machi- 
nations, he privately dispatched a trusty messenger, with mis- 
sives to his counsellors at New- Amsterdam, apprising them of 
the impending danger, commanding them immediately to put 
the city in a posture of defence, while in the meantime he 
would endeavour to elude his enemies and come to their assist- 
ance. This done, he felt himself marvellously relieved, rose 
slowly, shook himseK like a rhinoceros, and issued forth from 
his den, in much the same manner as Giant Despair is de- 
scribed to have issued from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric 
history of the Pilgrim's Progress. 

And now, much does it grieve me that I must leave the gal- 
lant Peter in this inmiinent jeopardy: but it behoves us to 
hurry back and see what is going on at New -Amsterdam, for 
greatly do I fear that city is already in a. turmoil. Such was 
ever the fate of Peter Stuy vesant ; while doing one thing with 
heart and soul, he was too apt to leave every thing else at 
sixes and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he was 
absent, attending to those things in person, which in modern 
days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, his little terri- 
tory at home was sure to get in an uproar. — All which was 
owing to that uncommon strength of intellect which induced 
him to trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired 
him the renowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong, 



276 ^ BISTORT OF NEW-YORK. 



CHAPTER IV. 

HOW THE PEOPLE OF NEW-AMSTERDAM WERE THROWN INTO A 
GREAT PANIC, BY THE NEWS OF A THREATENED INVASION, 
AND THE MANNER IN WHICH THEY FORTIFIED THEMSELVES. 

There is no sight more truly interesting to a philosopher, 
than to contemplate a community, where every individual has 
a voice in public affairs, where every individual thinks him- 
self the Atlas of the nation, and where every individual thinks 
it his duty to bestir himself for the good of his country. — 
I say, there is nothing more interesting to a philosopher, than 
to see such a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such a 
clamour of tongues — such a bawhng of patriotism — such run- 
ning hither and thither— every body in a hurry— every body 
up to the ears in trouble — every body in the way, and every 
body interrupting his industrious neighbour — who is busily 
employed in doing nothing ! It is like witnessing a great fire, 
where every man is at work hke a hero— some dragging about 
empty engines — others scampering with fuU buckets, and spill- 
ing the contents into the boots of their neighbours — and others 
ringing the church bells all night, by way of putting out the 
fire. Little firemen, hke sturdy little knights storming a 
breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders, and bawling 
through tin trumpets, by way of directing the attack. — Here 
one busy fellow, in his great zeal to save the property of the 
unfortunate, catches up an anonymous chamber utensil, and 
gallants it off with an air of as much self-importance, as if he 
had rescued a pot of money — another throws looking-glasses 
and china out of the window, to save them from the flames, 
whilst those who can do nothing else to assist the great calam- 
ity, run up and down the streets with open throats, keeping 
up an incessant cry of Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 

''When the news arrived at Sinope," says the grave and 
profound Lucian — though I own the story is rather trite, ' ' that 
Phihp was about to attack them, the inhabitants were thrown 
'nto violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms; others 
rolled stones to build up the walls — every body, in short, was 
employed, and every body was in the way of his neighbour. 
Diogenes alone was the only man who could find nothing to do 
— whereupon, determining not to be idle when the welfare of 



A BisTont OP new-tors:. 271 

his country was at stake, her tucked up his robe, and fell to 
rolling his tub with might and main up and down the Gymna- 
sium." In like manner did every mother's son, in the patriotic 
community of New- Amsterdam, on receiving the missives of 
Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most mightily in putting 
things in confusion, and assisting the general uproar. "Every 
man" — saith the Stuyvesant manuscript — " flew to arms!" — by 
which is meant, that not one of our honest Dutch citizens 
would venture to church or to market, without an old-fash- 
ioned spit of a sword dangling at his side, and a long Dutch 
fowling-piece on his shoulder — nor would he go out of a night 
avithout a lantern; nor turn a corner without first peeping 
cautiously round, lest he should come unawares upon a British 
army. — And we are informed that Stoffel Brinkerhoif, who 
was considered by the old women almost as brave a man as 
the governor himself — actually had two one-pound swivels 
mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the front door, and 
the other at the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this awful 
occasion, and one which has since been found of wonderful 
efficacy, was to assemble popular meetings. These brawling 
convocations, I have already shown, were extremely offensive 
to Peter Stuyvesant, but as this was a moment of unusual agi- 
tation, and as the old governor was not present to repress 
them, they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, there- 
fore, the orators and politicians repaired, and there seemed to 
be a competition among them who should bawl the loudest, 
and exceed the others in hyperbohcal bursts of patriotism, 
and in resolutions to uphold and defend the Government. In 
these sage and all-powerful meetings, it was determined, nem. 
con., that they were the most enlightened, the most dignified, 
the most formidable, and the most ancient community upon 
the face of the earth. Finding that this resolution was so uni- 
versally and readily carried, another was immediately pro- 
posed — whether it were not possible and politic to exterminate 
Great Britain? upon wliich sixty-nine members spoke most 
eloquently in the affirmative, and only one rose to suggest 
some doubts— who, as a punishment for his treasonable pre- 
sumption, was immediately seized by the mob, and tarred and 
feathered — which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian 
Rock, he was afterwards considered as an outcast from society, 
and his opinion went for nothing. The question, therefore, 
being unanimously carried in the affirmatives it was recom,-^ 



^78 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 

mended to the grand council to jJS^ss it into a law ; which wag 
accordingly done.— By this measure, the hearts of the people 
at large were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed exceed- 
ing choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first paroxysm of 
alarm having in some measure subsided ; the old women hav- 
ing buried all the money they could lay their hands on, and 
their husbands daily getting fuddled with what was left— the 
community began even to stand on the offensive. Songs were 
manufactured in Low Dutch, and sung about the streets, 
wherein the English were most woefully beaten, and shown no 
quarter; and popular addresses were made, wherein it was 
proved to a certainty that the fate of Old England depended 
upon the will of New-Amsterdammers. 

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of Great 
Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants assembled, and 
having purchased all the British manufactures they could find, 
they made thereof a huge bonfire ; and in the patriotic glow of 
the moment, every man present, who had a hat or breeches of 
English workmanship, pulled it off, and threw it most un- 
dauntedly into the flames— to the irreparable detriment, loss, 
and ruin of the English manufacturers. In commemoration of 
this great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with a de- 
vice on the top intended to represent the province of Nieuw- 
Nederlandts destroying Great Britain, under the similitude of 
an eagle picking the little island of Old England out of the 
globe ; but either through the unskilfulness of the sculptor, or 
his ill-timed waggery, it bore a striking resemblance to a 
goose vainly striving to get hold of a dumpling. 



CHAPTER V. 



SHOWING HOW THE GRAND COUNCIL OF THE NEW-NETHERLANDS 
CAME TO BE MIRACULOUSLY GIFTED WITH LONG TONGUES — 
TOGETHER WITH A GREAT TRIUMPH OF ECONOMY. 

It will need but very little penetration in any one ac- 
quainted Avith the character and habits of that most potent 
and blustering monarch, the sovereign people, to discover 
that, notwithstanding all the bustle and talk of war that 
stunned him in the last chapter, the renowned city of New- 



A BtBTOBt OF NJEW-YOBK. 279 

Amsterdam is, in sad reality, not a whit better prepared for 
defence than before. Now, though the people, having gotten 
over the first alarm, and finding no enemy immediately at 
hand, had, with that valour of tongue for which your illustri- 
ous rabble is so famous, run into the opposite extreme, and by 
dint of gallant vapouring and rodomontado, had actually 
talked themselves into the opinion that they were the bravest 
and most powerful people under the sun, yet were the privy 
counsellors of Peter Stuyvesant somewhat dubious on that 
point. They dreaded moreover lest that stern hero should re- 
turn, and find, that instead of obeying his peremptory orders, 
they had wasted their time in listening t« the hectorings of the 
mob, than which, they well knew, there was nothing he held 
in more exalted contempt. 

To make up, therefore, as speedily as possible, for lost time, 
a grand divan of the counsellors and burgomasters was con- 
vened, to talk over the critical state of the province, and de- 
vise measures for its safety. Two tilings were unanimously 
agreed upon in this venerable assembly :— first, that the city 
required to be put in a state of defence ; and, secondly, that as 
the danger was imminent, there should be no time lost — which 
points being settled, they immediately fell to making long 
speeches, and belabouring one another in endless and intem- 
perate disputes. For about this time was this unhappy city 
first visited by that talking endemic, so universally prevalent 
in this country, and which so invariably evinces itself wher- 
ever a number of wise men assemble together ; breaking out in 
long, windy speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, by the 
foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. Now it was, more- 
over, that they first introduced the ingenious method of meas- 
uring the merits of a harangue by the hour-glass; he being 
considered the ablest orator who spoke longest on a question. 
For which excellent invention, it is recorded, we are indebted 
to the same profound Dutch critic who judged of books by 
their size. 

This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little con- 
sonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of our sage 
forefathers, was supposed, by certain learned pliilosophers, to 
have been imbibed, together with divers other barbarous pro- 
pensities, from their savage neighbours; who -were peculiarly 
noted for their long talks and cownci7^res— who would never 
undertake any affair of the least importance, without previous 
debates and harangues among their chiefs and old men. But 



280 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

the seal cause was, that the people, in electing their represent- 
atives to the grand council, were particular in choosing them 
for their talents at talking, without inquiring whether they 
possessed the more rare, difficult, and ofttimes important talent 
of holding their tongues. The consequence was, that this de- 
liberative body was composed of the most loquacious men in 
the community. As they considered themselves placed there 
to talk, every man concluded that his duty to his constituents, 
and, what is more, his popularity with them, required that he 
should harangue on every subject, whether he understood it or 
not. There was an ancient mode of burying a chieftain, by 
every soldier throwing his shield full of earth on the corpse, 
until a mighty mound was formed ; so, whenever a question 
was brought forward in this assembly, every member pressing 
forward to throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was 
quickly buried under a huge mass of words. 

We are told, that when disciples were admitted into the 
school of Pythagoras, they were for two years enjoined silence, 
and were neither permitted to ask questions nor make re- 
marks. After they had thus acquired the inestimable art of 
holding their tongues, they were gradually permitted to make 
inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opinions. 

What a pity is it, that, wliile superstitiously hoarding up 
the rubbish and rags of antiquity, we should suffer these pre- 
cious gems to lie unnoticed! What a beneficial effect would 
this wise regulation of Pythagoras have, if introduced in leg- 
islative bodies — and how wonderfully would it have tended to 
expedite business in the grand council of the Manhattoes ! 

Thus, however, did dame Wisdom, (whom the wags of 
antiquity have humorously personified as a woman,) seem to 
take mischievous pleasure in jilting the venerable counsellors 
of New-Amsterdam. The old factions of Long Pipes and Short 
Pipes, which had been almost strangled by the herculean grasp 
of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprung up with tenfold violence. 
Not that the original cause of difference still existed,— but, it has 
ever been the fate of party names and party rancour to remain, 
long after the principles that gave rise to them have been for- 
gotten. To complete the public confusion and bewilderment, 
the fatal word Economy, which one would have thought was 
dead and buried with William the Testy, was once more set 
afloat, like the apple of discord, in the grand council of Nieuw- 
Nederlandts — according to which sound principle of pohcy, it 
was deemed more expedient to throw away twenty thousand 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK 281 

guilders upon an inefficacious plan of defence, than thirty 
thousand on a good and substantial one — the province thus 
making a clear saving of ten thousand guilders. 

But when they came to discuss the mode of defence, then be- 
gan a war of words that baffles all description. The members 
being, as I observed, enlisted in opposite parties, were enabled 
to proceed with amazing system and regularity in the discus- 
sion of the questions before them. Whatever was proposed 
by a Long Pipe, was opposed by the whole tribe of Short 
Pipes, who, like true politicians, considered it their first duty 
to effect the downfall of the Long Pipes — their second, to ele- 
vate themselves— and their third, to consult the welfare of the 
country. This at least was the creed of the most upright 
among the party; for as to the great mass, they left the third 
consideration out of the question altogether. 

In this great collision of hard heads, it is astonishing the 
number of projects for defence that were struck out, not one 
of which had ever been heard of before, nor has been heard of 
since, unless it be in very modern days— projects that threw 
the windmill system of the ingenious Kieft completely in the 
background. Still, however, nothing could be decided on ; ;for 
so soon as a formidable host of air castles were reared by one 
party, they were demolished by the other. The simple popu- 
lace stood gazing in anxious expectation of the mighty egg 
that was to be hatched with all this cackling ; but they gazed in 
vain, for it appeared that the grand council was determined to 
protect the province as did the noble and gigantic Pantagruel 
his army — by covering it with his tongue. 

Indeed, there was a portion of the members, consisting of 
fat, self-important old burghers, who smoked their pipes and 
said nothing, excepting to negative every plan of defence that 
was offered. These were of that class of wealthy old citizens, 
who, having amassed a fortune, button up their pockets, shut 
their mouths, look rich, and are good for nothing all the rest 
of their lives. Like some phlegmatic oyster, which, having 
swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, settles down m the mud, 
and parts with its life sooner than its treasure. Every plan 
of defence seemed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant 
with ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts, preying 
upon the public property — to fit out a. naval armament, was to 
throw their money into the sea — to build fortifications was to 
bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign 
maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no matter how 



282 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- TORE. 

much they were drubbed — a kick left no scar— a broken head 
cured itself— but an empty purse was of all maladies the 
slowest to heal, and one in which nature did nothing for the 
patient. 

Thus did this venerable assemibly of sages lavish away that 
time which the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable, in 
empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever agree- 
ing, except on the point with which they started, namely, 
that there was no time to be lost, and delay was ruinous. At 
length St. Nicholas, taking compassion on their distracted 
situation, and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so 
ordered, that in the midst of one of their most noisy debates 
on the subject of fortification and defence, when they had 
nearly fallen to loggerheads in consequence of not being able 
to convince each other, the question was happily settled by a 
messenger, who bounced into the chamber and informed them 
that the hostile fleet had arrived, and was actually advancing 
up the bay ! 

Thus was all farther necessity of either fortifying or disput- 
ing completely obviated, and thus was the grand council saved 
a world of words, and the province a world of expense— a 
most absolute and glorious triumph of economy ! 



CHAPTER VI. 



IN WHICH THE TROUBLES OF NEW-AMSTERDAM APPEAR TO 
THICKEN— SHOWING THE BRAVERY, IN TIME OF PERIL, OF A 
PEOPLE WHO DEFEND THEMSELVES BY RESOLUTIONS. 

Like as an assemblage of politic cats, engaged in clamorous 
gibberings, and caterwaulings, eyeing one another with hide- 
ous grinfiaces, spitting in each other's faces, and on the point of 
breaking forth into a general clapper-clawing, are suddenly 
put to scampering rout and confusion by the startling appear- 
ance of a house-dog— so was the no less vociferous council of 
New-x\msterdam amazed, astounded, and totally dispersed by 
the sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member made the 
best of his way home, waddhng along as fast as his short legs 
could fag under their heavy burden, and wheezing as he went 
with corpulency and terror. When he arrived at his castle, 



A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 283 

he barricadoed the street door, and buried himself in the cider 
cellar, without daring to peep out, lest he should have his 
head carried off by a cannon-ball. 

The sovereign people all crowded into the market-place, 
herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek for 
safety in each other's company, when the shepherd and his 
dog are absent, and the wolf is prowhng round the fold. Far 
from finding relief, however, they only increased each other's 
terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his neighbour's face, in 
search of encouragement, but only found in its woe-begone 
lineaments a confirmation of his own dismay. Not a word 
now was to be heard of conquering Great Britain, not a whis- 
per about the sovereign virtues of economy— while the old 
Avomen heightened the general gloom by clamorously bewail- 
ing their fate, and incessantly caUing for protection on Saint 
Nicholas and Peter Stuyvesant. 

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion-hearted 
Peter ! — and how did they long for the comforting presence of 
Antony Van Corlear! Indeed, a gloomy uncertainty hung 
over the fate of these adventurous heroes. Day after day had 
elapsed since the alarming message from the governor, with- 
out bringing any farther tidings of his safety. Many a fearful 
conjecture was hazarded as to what had befallen him and his 
loyal 'squire. Had they not been devoured alive by the can- 
nibals of Marblehead and Cape Cod?— were they not put to 
the question by the great council of Amphyctions?— were they 
not smothered in onions by the terrible men of Piquag? — In 
the midst of this consternation and perplexity, when horror, 
like a mighty nightmare, sat brooding upon the little fat, ple- 
thoric city of New- Amsterdam, the ears of the multitude were 
suddenly startled by a strange and distant sound — it ap- 
proached — it grew louder and louder — and now it resounded at 
the city gate. The public could not be mistaken in the well- 
known sound — a shout of joy burst from their lips, as the gal 
lant Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his faithful 
trumpeter, came galloping into the market-place. 

The first transports of the populace having subsided, they 
gathered round the honest Antony, as he dismounted from his 
horse, overwhelming him with greetings and congratulations. 
In breathless accents he related to them the marvellous adven- 
tures through which the old governor and himself had gone, in 
making their escape from the clutches of the terrible Amphyc- 
tions. But though the Stuyvesant manuscript, with its cus- 



284 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

tomary minuteness, where anything touching the great Peter 
is concerned, is very particular as to the incidents of this mas- 
terly retreat, yet the particular state of the public affairs will 
not allow me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice 
to say that while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving in 
his mind how he could make good his escape with honour and 
dignity, certain of the ships sent out for the conquest of the 
Manhattoes touched at the eastern ports, to obtain needful sup- 
plies, and to call on the grand council of the league for its pro- 
mised co-operation. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, 
perceiving that a moment's delay were fatal, made a secret 
and precipitate decampment, though much did it grieve his 
lofty soul to be obliged to turn his back even upon a nation of 
foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and divers perilous mishaps 
did they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of trumpet, 
through the fair regions of the east. Already was the country 
in an uproar with hostile preparation, and they were obliged 
to take a large circuit in their flight, lurking along through the 
woody mountains of the Devil's Back-bone ; from whence the 
valiant Peter sallied forth one day, like a lion, and put to rout 
a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three generations of a 
prolific family, who were already on their way to take posses- 
sion of some corner of the New-Netherlands. Nay, the faithful 
Antony had great difficulty at sundry times to prevent him, 
in the excess of his wrath, from descending down from the 
mountains, and falhng, sword in hand, upon certain of the 
border towns, who were marshalling forth their draggletailed 
mUitia. 

The first movements of the governor, on reaching his dwell- 
ing, was to mount the roof, from whence he contemplated, 
with rueful aspect, the hostile squadron. This had already 
come to anchor in the bay, and consisted of two stout frigates, 
having on board, as John Josselyn, Gent. , informs us, ' ' three 
hundred valiant red-coats." Having taken this survey, he 
sat himself down, and wrote an epistle to the commander, 
demanding the reason of his anchoring in the harbour without 
obtaining previous permission so to do. This letter was 
couched in the most dignified and courteous terms, though I 
have it from undoubted authority, that his teeth were clinched, 
and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon his visage all the while 
he wrote. Having despatched his letter, the grim Peter 
stumped to and fro about the town, with a most war-betoken- 
ing countenance, liis hands thrust into his breeches pockets, 



A BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 285 

and whistling a Low Dutch psalm tune, which bore no small 
resemblance to the music of a north-east wind, when a storm 
is brewing. The very dogs, as they eyed him, skulked away 
in dismay — while all the old and uglj^ women of New- Amster- 
dam ran howHng at his heels, imploring him to save them from 
murder, robbery, and pitiless ravishment ! 

The reply of Col. Nichols, who commanded the invaders, was 
couched in terms of equal courtesy with the letter of the gov- 
ernor — declaring the right and title of his British Majesty to 
the province, where he affirmed the Dutch to be mere interlop- 
ers; and demanding that the town, forts, etc., should be forth- 
with rendered into his majesty's obedience and protection- 
promising at the same time, hfe, liberty, estate, and free trade, 
to every Dutch denizen who should readily submit to his 
majesty's government. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with some 
such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a crusty farmer, 
who has long been fattening upon his neighbour's soil, reads 
the loving letter of John Stiles, that warns him of an action of 
ejectment. The old governor, however, was not to be taken 
by surprise, but thrusting the summons into his breeches pocket, 
he stalked three times across the room, took a pinch of snuff 
with great vehemence, and then loftily waving his hand, 
promised to send an answer the next morning. In the mean- 
time, he called a general council of war of his privy counsellors 
and burgomasters, not for the purpose of asking their advice, 
for that, as has already been shown, he valued not a rush ; but 
to make known unto them his sovereign determination, and 
require their prompt adherence. 

Before, however, he convened his council, he resolved upon 
three important points : firsts never to give up the city without 
a little hard fighting, for he deemed it highly derogatory to the 
dignity of so renowned a city to suffer itself to be captured 
and stripped, without receiving a few kicks into the bargain 
— secondly, that the majority of his grand council was com- 
posed of arrant poltroons, utterly destitute of true bottom— 
and, thirdly, that he would not therefore suffer them to see the 
summons of Col. Nichols lest the easy terms it held out might 
induce them to clamour for a surrender. 

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous sight to 
behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had demolished the 
whole British empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully out 
of their hiding-places, and then crawling cautiously forth; 



286 ^ BISTOnr OF NEW- YORK. 

dodging through narrow lanes and alleys ; starting at every 
little dog that barked, as though it had been a discharge of 
artillery— mistaking lamp-posts for British grenadiers, and, in 
the excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps into for- 
midable soldiers, levelling blunderbusses at their bosoms! 
Having, however, in despite of numerous perils and difficulties 
of the kind, arrived safe, without the loss of a single man, at 
the hall of assembly, they took their seats, and awaited in fear- 
ful silence the arrival of the governor. In a few moments the 
wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular and 
stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. He entered the 
chamber arrayed in a full suit of regimentals, and carrying his 
trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but tucked under his 
arm. As the governor never equipped himself in this porten- 
tous manner, unless something of a martial nature were work- 
ing within his fearless pericranium, his council regarded him 
ruefully, as if they saw fire and sword in his iron countenance, 
and forgot to light their pipes in breathless suspense. 

The great Peter was as eloquent as he was valorous— indeed, 
these two rare qualities seemed to go hand in hand in his com- 
position; and, unlike most great statesmen, whose victories 
are only confined to the bloodless field of argument, he was 
always ready to enforce his hardy words by no less hardy 
deeds. His speeches were generally marked by a simplicity 
approaching to bluntness, and by a truly categorical decision. 
Addressing the grand council, he touched briefly upon the 
perils and hardships he had sustained in escaping from his 
crafty foes. He next reproached the council for wasting, in 
idle debate and party feuds, that time which should have been 
devoted to their country. He was particularly indignant at 
those brawlers, who, conscious of individual security, had dis- 
graced the councils of the province by impotent hectorings and 
scurrilous invectives, against a noble and powerful enemy— 
those cowardly curs, who were incessant in their barkings and 
yelpings at the lion, while distant or asleep, but the moment he 
approached, were the first to skulk away. He now called on 
those who had been so valiant in their threats against Great 
Britain, to stand forth, and support their vauntings by their 
actions— for it was deeds, not words, that bespoke the spirit of 
a nation. He proceeded to recall the golden days of former 
prosperity, which were only to be regained by manfully with- 
standing their enemies; for the peace, he observed, which is 
effected by force of arms, is always more sure and durably 



A HISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 287 

than that which is patched up by temporary accommodations. 
He endeavoured, moreover, to arouse their martial fire, by re- 
minding them of the time when, before the frowning walls of 
Fort Christina, he had led them on to victory. He strove like- 
wise to awaken their confidence, by assjiring them of the pro- 
tection of St. Nicholas, who had hitherto maintained them in 
safety, amid all the savages of the wilderness, the witches and 
squatters of the east, and the giants of Merry -land. Finally, 
he informed them of the insolent summons he had received to 
surrender, but concluded by swearing to defend the province 
as long as Heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to 
stand upon— which noble sentence he emphasized by a tremen- 
dous thwack with the broadside of his sword upon the table, 
that totally electrified his auditors. 

The privy counsellors, who had long been accustomed to the 
governor's way, and in fact had been brought into as perfect 
discipline as were ever the soldiers of the great Frederick, saw 
that there was no use in saying a word— so lighted their pipes 
and smoked away in silence like fat and discreet counsellors. 
But the burgomasters, being less under the governor's control, 
considering themselves as representatives of the sovereign 
people, and being moreover inflamed with considerable import- 
ance and self-sufficiency, which they had acquired at those 
notable schools of wisdom and morality, the popular meetings, 
were not so easily satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, when 
they found there was some chance of escaping from their 
present jeopardy without the disagreeable alternative of fight- 
ing, they requested a copy of the summons to surrender, 
that they might show it to a general meeting of the people. 

So insolent and mutinous a request would have been enough 
to have roused the gorge of the tranquil Van Twiller himself— 
what, then, must have been its effect upon the great Stuy- 
vesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a governor, and a 
vaHant wooden-legged soldier to boot, but withal a man of the 
most stomachful and gunpowder disposition? He burst forth 
into a blaze of noble indignation, — swore not a mother's son of 
them should see a syllable of it— that they deserved, every one 
of them, to be hanged, drawn and quartered, for traitorously 
daring to question the infallibility of government— that as to 
their advice or concurrence, he did not care a whiff of tobacco 
for either— that he had long been harassed and thwarted by 
their cowardly counsels ; but that they might thenceforth go 
home, and go to bed like old wpmen ; for he was determined to 



288 -4 HISTORY OF NEW-YOBK. 

defend the colony himself, without the assistance of them or 
their adherents. So saying, he tucked his sword under his 
arm, cocked his hat upon his head, and girding up his loins, 
stumped indignantly out of the council chamber — every body 
making room for him,as he passed. 

No sooner had he gone, than the busy burgomasters called 
a public meeting in front of the Stadt-house, where they 
appointed as chairman one Dofue Roerback, a mighty ginger- 
bread-baker in the land and formerly of the cabinet of William 
the Testy. He was looked up to with great reverence by the 
populace, who considered him a man of dark knowledge, seeing 
he was the first that unprinted new-year cakes with the mys- 
terious hieroglyphics of the Cock and Breeches, and such like 
magical devices. 

This great burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill-will 
against the valiant Stuy vesant, in consequence of having been 
ignominiously kicked out of his cabinet at the time of his 
taking the reins of governm.ent — addressed the greasy multi- 
tude in what is called a patriotic speech, in which he informed 
them of the courteous summons to surrender — of the gover- 
nor's refusal to comply therewith— of his denying the public 
a sight of the summons, which, he had no doubt, contained 
conditions highly to the honour and advantage of the pro- 
vince. 

He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in high-sound- 
ing terms, suitable to the dignity and grandeur of his station, 
comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and those other great men of 
yore, who are generally quoted by popular orators on similar 
occasions ; assuring the people that the history of the world 
did not contain a despotic outrage to equal the present for 
atrocity, cruelty, tyranny, and bloodthirstiness — that it would 
be recorded in letters of fire, on the blood-stained tablet of 
history ! that ages would roll back with sudden horror when 
they came to view it ! that the womb of time — (by the way, 
your orators and writers take strange liberties with the womb 
of time, though some v/ould fain have us believe that time is 
an old gentleman) — that the womb of time, pregnant as it was 
with direful horrors, would never produce a parallel enormity ! 
— With a variety of other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes 
and figures, which I cannot enumerate— neither, indeed, need 
I, for they were exactly the same that are used in all popular 
harangues and patriotic orations at the present day, and may 
"be classed in rhetoric under the general title of Rig]V![arolb 



A HISTORY OF NEWTORIC ^89 

The speech of this inspired burgomaster being finished, the 
meeting fell into a kind of popular fermentation, which pro- 
duced not only a string of right wise resolutions, but hkewise 
a most resolute memorial, addressed to the governor, remon- 
strating at his conduct — which was no sooner handed to him, 
than he handed it into the fire ; and thus deprived posterity of 
an invaluable document, that might have served as a pre- 
cedent to the enhghtened cobblers and tailors of the present 
day, in their sage intermeddlings with politics. 



CHAPTER VII. 



CONTAINING A DOLEFUL DISASTER OF ANTONY THE TRUMPETER 
—AND HOW PETER STUYVESANT, LIKE A SECOND CROMWECL, 
SUDDENLY DISSOLVED A RUMP PARLIAMENT. 

Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower down a 
pannier-load of benedictions upon his burgomasters, for a set 
of self-willed, obstinate, headstrong varlets, who would neither 
be convinced nor persuaded; and determined thenceforth to 
have nothing more to do with them, but to consult merely the 
opinion of his privy counsellors, which he knew from expe- 
rience to be the best in the world — inasmuch as it never 
differed from his own. Nor did he omit,«now that his hand 
was in, to bestow some thousand left-handed compliments 
upon, the sovereign people ; whom he railed at for a herd of 
poltroons, who had no relish for the glorious hardships and 
illustrious misadventures of battle— but would rather stay at 
home, and eat and sleep in ignoble ease, than gain immortality 
and a broken head by valiantly fighting in a ditch. 

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved city, 
in despits even of itself, he called unto him his trusty Van 
Corlear, who was his right-hand man in all times of emer- 
gency. Him did he adjure to take his war-denouncing 
trumpet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the country, 
night and day. Sounding the alarm along the pastoral bor- 
ders of the Bronx — starting the wild solitudes of Croton — 
arousing the rugged yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboeken — 
the mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay * — and the brave boys 

*A corruption of Top-paun; so called from a tribe of Indians which boasted a 
hundred and fifty fighting men. See Ogilby's History. 



290 A HISTORY OP NEW-YOUK. 

of Tarry Town and Sleepy Hollow — together with all the other 
warriors of the country round about ; charging them one and 
all to sling their powder-horns, shoulder their fowling-pieces, 
and march merrily down to the Manhattoes. 

Now there was nothing in all the world, the divine sex ex- 
cepted, that Antony Van Corlear loved better than errands of 
this kind. So, just stopping to take a lusty dinner, and brac- 
ing to his side his junk bottle, well charged with heart-inspir- 
ing Hollands, he issued jolHly from the city gate, that looked 
out upon what is at present called Broadway; sounding as 
usual a farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes through 
the winding streets of Ne w- Amsterdam. —Alas ! never more 
were they to be gladdened by the melody of their favourite 
trumpeter ! 

It was a dark and stormy night, when the good Antony ar- 
iiyed at the famous creek (sagely denominated Haerlem river) 
which separates the island of Manna-hata from the main land. 
The wind was high, the elements were in an uproar, and no 
Charon could be found to ferry the adventurous sounder of 
brass across the water. For a short time he vapoured like an 
impatient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethinking himself 
of the urgency of his errand, took a hearty embrace of his 
stone bottle, swore most valorously that he would swim across, 
en spijt den Duyvel, (in spite of the devil!) and daringly 
plunged into the stream.- Luckless Antony! scarce had he 
buffeted half-way over, when he was observed to struggle vio- 
lently, as if battling with the spirit of the waters— instinctively 
he put his trumpet to his mouth, and giving a vehement blast 
sunk for ever to the bottom ! 

The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the ivory horn of 
the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring on the glorious 
field of Eoncesvalles, rung far and wide through the country, 
alarming the neighbours roimd, who hurried in amazement to 
the spot. Here an old Dutch burgher, famed for his veracity, 
and who had been a witness of the fact, related to them the 
melancholy affair; with the fearful addition (to which I am 
slow of giving belief) that he saw the duy vel, in the shape of a 
huge moss-bonker, seize the sturdy Antony by the leg, and 
drag him beneath the waves. Certain it is, the place, with the 
adjoining promontory, which projects into the Hudson, has 
been called Spijt den duy vel, or Spiking Devil, ever since ;— the 
restless ghost of the unfortunate Antony still haunts the sur- 
rounding solitudes, and his trumpet has often been heard by 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 291 

the neighbours, of a stormy night, mingling with the howling 
of the blast. Nobody ever attempts to swim over the creek, 
after dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has been built, to guard 
against such melancholy accidents in future— and as to moss- 
bonkers, they are held in such abhorrence, that no true Dutch- 
man will admit them to his table, who loves good fish and hates 
the devil. 

Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear — a man deserving 
of a better fate. He lived roundly and soundly, like a true and 
jolly bachelor, until the day of his death ; but though he was 
never married, yet did he leave behind some two or three 
dozen children, in different parts of the country— fine, chubby, 
brawling, fiatulent little urchins, from whom, if legends speak 
true, (and they are not apt to lie,) did descend the innumerable 
race of editors who people and defend this country, and who 
are bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a constant 
alarm — and making them miserable. Would that they in- 
herited the worth, as they do th^wind, of their renowned pro- 
genitor ! 

The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe imparted a severer 
pang to the bosora of Peter Stuy vesant than did even the inva- 
sion of his beloved Amsterdam. It came ruthlessly home to 
those sweet affections that grow close around the heart, and 
are nourished by its warmest current. As some lorn pilgrim, 
while the tempest whistles through his locks, and dreary night 
is gathering around, sees stretched, cold and lifeless, his faith- 
ful dog— the sole companion of his journeying, who had shared 
his solitary meal, and so often licked his hand in humble grati- 
tude — so did the generous-hearted hero of the Manhattoes con- 
template the untimely end of his faithful Antony. He had 
been the humble attendant of his footsteps— he had cheered 
him in many a heavy hour by his honest gayety, and had fol- 
lowed him in loyalty and affection through many a scene of 
direful peril and mishap ; he was gone for ever— and that, too, 
at a moment when every mongrel cur seemed skulking from 
kis side. This— Peter Stuyvesant— this was the moment to try 
thy fortitude ; and this was the moment when thou didst in- 
deed shine forth— Peter the Headstrong ! 

The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the last 
stormy night ; still all was dull and gloomy. The late jovial 
Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds, peeping out now 
and then, for an instant, as if anxious, yet fearful, to see what 
was going on in his favourite city. This was the eventful 



'292 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-TOUK. 

morning when the great Peter was to give his reply to the 
summons of the invaders. Already was he closeted with his 
privy council, sitting in grim state, brooding over the fate of 
his favourite trumpeter, and anon boiling with indignation as 
the insolence of his recreant burgomasters flashed upon his 
mind. While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived in 
all haste from Winthrop, the subtle governor of Connecticut, 
counselling him in the most affectionate and disinterested 
manner to surrender the province, and magnifying the dan- 
gers and calamities to which a refusal would subject him. 
What a moment was this to intrude officious advice upon 
a man who never took advice in his whole life!— The fiery 
old governor strode up and down the chamber, with a vehe- 
mence that made the bosoms of his counsellors to quake with 
awe— railing at his unlucky fate, that thus made him the con- 
stant butt of factious subjects and Jesuitical advisers. 

Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgomasters, 
who were now completely d5i the watch, and had heard of the 
arrival of mysterious despatches, came marching in a resolute 
body into the room, with a legion of schepens and toad-eaters 
at their heels, and abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. 
Thus to be broken in upon by what he esteemed a ''rascal rab- 
ble," and that, too, at the very moment he was grinding under 
an irritation from abroad, was too much for the spleen of the 
choleric Peter. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces *— threw 
it in the face of the nearest burgomaster — broke his pipe over 
the head of the next— hurled his spitting-box at an unlucky 
schepen, who was just making a masterly retreat out at the 
door, and finally prorogued the whole meeting sine die, by 
kicking them down-stairs with his wooden leg. 

As soon as the burgomasters could recover from the con- 
fusion into which their sudden exit had thrown them, and had 
taken a little time to breathe, they protested against the con- 
duct of the governor, which they did not hesitate to pronounce 
tyrannical, unconstitutional, highly indecent, and somewhat 
disrespectful. They then called a public meeting, where they 
read the protest, and addressing the assembly in a set speech, 
related at full length, and with appropriate colouring and ex- 
aggeration, the despotic and vindictive deportment of the 
governor; declaring that, for their own parts, they did not 
value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and mauled by the 

♦ Smith's History of New York. 



A HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 293 

timber toe of his excellency, but they felt for the dignity of the 
sovereign people, thus rudely insulted by the outrage com- 
mitted on the seat of honour of their representatives. The 
latter part of the harangue had a violent effect upon the sensi- 
bility of the people, as it came home at once to that delicacy 
of feehng and jealous pride of character, vested in all true 
mobs ; who, though they may bear injuries without a murmur, 
yet are marvellously jealous of their sovereign dignity— and 
there is no knowing to what act of resentment they might have 
been provoked against the redoubtable Peter, had not the 
greasy rogues been somewhat more afraid of their sturdy old 
governor, than they were of St. Nicholas, the Enghsh— or the 
D 1 himself. 



CHAPTER VIII. 



HOW PETER STUYVESANT DEFENDED THE CITY OF NEW AMSTER- 
DAM, FOR SEVERAL DAYS, BY DINT OF THE STRENGTH OF HIS 
HEAD. 

There is something exceedingly sublime and melancholy in 
the spectacle which the present crisis of our history presents. 
An illustrious and venerable little city— the metropohs of an 
immense extent of uninhabited country — garrisoned by a 
doughty host of orators, chairmen, committee-men, burgo- 
masters, schepens, and old women — governed by a determined 
and strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud batteries, 
palisadoes, and resolutions— blockaded by sea, beleaguered by 
land, and threatened with direful desolation from without; 
while its very vitals are torn with internal faction and com- 
motion ! Never did historic pen record a page of more compli- 
cated distress, unless it be the strife that distracted the 
Israelites during the siege of Jerusalem — where discordant 
parties were cutting each other's throats, at the moment when 
the victorious legions of Titus had toppled down their bul- 
warks, and were carrying fire and sword into the very sanctum 
sanctorum of the temple. 

Governor Stuyvesant, having triumphantly, as has been 
recorded, put his grand council to the rout, and thus delivered 
himself from a multitude of impertinent advisers, despatched 
^ categorical reply to the commanders of the invading squad' 



294 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- 7 ORE. 

ron; wherein he asserted the right and title of their High 
Mightinesses, the Lord States General to the province of New- 
Netherlands, and, trusting in the righteousness of his cause, 
set the whole British nation at defiance ! My anxiety to ex> 
tricate my readers and myself from these disastrous scenes, 
prevents me from giving the whole of this gallant letter, which 
concluded in these manly and affectionate terms : 

" As touching the threats in your conclusion, we have noth- 
ing to answer, only that we fear nothing but what God (who ia 
as just as merciful) shall lay upon us ; all things being in His 
gi'acious disposal, and we may as well be preserved by him 
with small forces, as by a great army ; which makes us to wish 
you all happiness and prosperity, and recommend you to his 
protection.— My lords, your thrice humble and affectionate 
servant and friend, P. Stuyvesant." 

Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the brave Peter 
stuck a pair of horse-pistols in his belt, girded an immense 
powder-horn on his side — thrust a sound leg into a Hessian 
boot, and clapping his fierce little war hat on the top of his 
head — paraded up and down in front of his house, determined 
to defend his beloved city to the last. 

While all these wof ul struggles and dissensions were prevail- 
ing in the unhappy city of New-Amsterdam, and while its 
worthy, but ill-starred governor was framing the above-quoted 
letter, the English commanders did not remain idle. They 
had agents secretly employed to foment the fears and clamours 
of the populace; and moreover circulated far and wide, 
through the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeating the 
terms they had already held out in their summons to sur- 
render, and beguihng the simple Nederlanders with the most 
crafty and conciliating professions. They promised that every 
man who voluntarily submitted to the authority of his British 
Majesty, should retain peaceable possession of his house, his 
vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he should be suffered to 
smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many breeches as he 
pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and stone jugs from Holland, 
instead of manufacturing them on the spot. That he should 
on no account be compelled to learn the English language, or 
keep accoimts in any other way than by casting them upon his 
fingers, and chalking them down upon the crown of his hat ; 
as is still observed among the Dutch yeomanry at the present 
(Jay, That every man should be allowed quietly to inherit his 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TOBK. 295 

father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other personal 
appendage, and that no man should be obliged to conform to 
any improvements, inventions, or any other mo'^ern innova- 
tions; but, on the contrary, should be permitted to build his 
house, foUow his trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, and 
educate his children, precisely as his ancestors did before him 
since time unmemorial. Finally, that he should have all the 
benefits of free trade, and should not be required to acknow- 
ledge any other saint in the calendar than St. Nicholas, who. 
should thenceforward, as before, be considered the tutelar saint 
of the city. 

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satisfactory 
to the people, who had a great disposition to enjoy their prop^ 
erty unmolested, and a most singular aversion to engage in a 
contest where they could gain little more than honour and 
broken heads— the first of which they held in philosophic 
indifference, the latter in utter detestation. By these insidious 
means, therefore, did the English succeed in alienating the 
confidence and affections of the populace from their gallant 
old governor, whom they considered as obstinately bent upon 
running them into hideous misadventures ; and di(f not hesi- 
tate to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most heartily-^ 
behind his back. 

Like as a mighty grampus, who, though assailed and 
buffeted by roaring Avaves and brawling surges, still keeps on 
an undeviating course ; and though overwhelmed by boisterous 
biUo^vs, still emerges from the troubled deep, spouting and 
blowing with tenfold violence— so did the inflexible Peter 
pursue, unwavering, his determined career, and rise, con- 
temptuous, above the clamours of the rabble. 

But when the British warriors found, by the tenor of his 
reply, that he set their power at defiance, they forth^vith 
despatched recruiting officers to Jamaica, and Jericho, and 
Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those towns on Long 
Island which had been subdued of joyq by the immortal 
Stoffel Brinkerhoff, stirring up the valiant progeny of Preserved 
Fish, and Determined Cock, and those other illustrious squat- 
ters, to assail the city of New- Amsterdam by land. In the 
meanwlm^Kie hostile ships made awful preparation to com- 
mence an assault by water. 

The streets of New- Amsterdam now presented a scene of 
wild dismay and consternation. In vain did the gallant Stuy- 
vesant order the citizens to arm, and assemble in the public 



296 ^ HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

square or market-place. The whole party of Short Pipes in the 
course of a single night had changed into arrant old women — 
a metamorphosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies re- 
corded by Livy as having happened at Rome on the approach 
of Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, goats 
were converted into sheep, and cocks turning into hens ran 
cackling about the streets. 

The harassed Peter, thus menaced from without, and tor- 
mented from within — baited by the burgomasters, and hooted 
at by the rabble, chafed and growled and raged like a furious 
bear, tied to a stake and worried by a legion of scoundrel curs. 
Finding, however, that all further attempts to defend the city 
were vain, and hearing that an irruption of borderers and 
mosstroopers was ready to deluge him from the east, he was 
at length compelled, in spite of his proud heart, which swelled 
in his throat until it had nearly choked him, to consent to a 
treaty of surrender. 

Words cannot express the transports of the people, on re- 
ceiving this agreeable intelligence; had they obtained a con- 
quest over their enemies, they could not have indulged greater 
dehght. "fhe streets resounded with their congratulations — 
they extolled their governor, as the father and deliverer of his 
country — they crowded to his house to testify their gratitude, 
and were ten times more noisy in their plaudits, than when he 
returned, with victory perched upon his beaver, from the 
glorious capture of Fort Christina. But the indignant Peter 
shut his doors and windows, and took refuge in the innermost 
recesses of his mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble re- 
joicings of the rabble. 

In consequence of this consent of the governor, a parley was 
demanded of the besieging forces to treat of the terms of 
surrender. Accordingly, a deputation of six commissioners 
was appointed on both sides ; and on the 27th August, 1664, a 
capitulation highly favourable to the province, and honour- 
able to Peter Stuyvesant, was agreed to by the enemy, who 
had conceived a high opinion of the valour of the Manhattoes, 
and the magnanimity and unbounded discretion of their gov- 
ernor. 

One thing alone remained, which was, that the articles of 
surrender should be ratified, and signed by the governor. 
When the commissioners respectfully waited upon him for 
this purpose, they were received by the hardy old warrior 
with the most grim and bitter courtesy. His warlike accoutre- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. 297 

ments were laid aside — an old India night-gown was wrapped 
about his rugged limbs, a red night-cap overshadowed his 
frowning brow, and an iron gray bread, of three days' growth, 
gave additional grimness to his visage. Thrice did he seize a 
little worn-out stump of a pen, and essay to sign the loath- 
some paper — thrice did he clinch his teeth, and make a most 
horrible countenance, as though a pestiferous dose of rhubarb, 
senna, and ipecacuanha, had been offered to his lips ; at length, 
dashing it from him, he seized his brass-hilted sword, and 
jerking it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, he'd 
sooner die than yield to any power under heaven. 

In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy resolution — 
menaces, remonstrances, revihngs, were exhausted to no pur- 
pose — for two whole days was the house of the valiant Peter 
besieged by the clamorous rabble, and for two whole days did 
he betake himself to his arms, and persist in a magnanimous 
refusal to ratify the capitulation. 

At length the populace, finding tha^fc boisterous measures did 
but incense more determined opposition, bethought themselves 
of an humble expedient, by which, happily, the governor's ire 
might be soothed, and his resolution undermined. And now a 
solemn and mournful procession, headed by the burgomasters 
and schepens, and followed by the populace, moves slowly to 
the governor's dwelling, bearing the capitulation. Here they 
found the stout old hero, drawn up like a giant in his castle, 
the doors strongly barricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, 
with his cocked hat on his head, fii-mly posted with a blunder- 
buss at the garret-window. 

There was something in this formidable position that struck 
even the ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration. The braw- 
ling multitude could not but reflect with self-abasement upon 
their own pusiUammous conduct, when they beheld their 
hardy but deserted old governor, thus faithful to his post, like 
a forlorn hope, and fully prepared to defend his ungrateful 
city to the last. These compunctions, however, were soon over- 
whelmed by the recurring tide of public apprehension. The 
populace arranged themselves before the house, taking off 
their hats with most respectful humihty. — Burgomaster Roor- 
back, who was of that popular class of orators described by 
Sallust as being "talkative rather than eloquent," stepped 
forth and addressed the governor in a speech of three hours' 
length; detailing in the mo3t pathetic terms the calamitous 
situation of the province, and urging liim in a constant repe- 



298 ^ HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 

tition of the same arguments and words to sign the capitula- 
tion. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his httle garret-window in 
grim silence — now and then his eye would glance over the sur- 
rounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like that of an angry 
mastiff, would mark his iron visage. But though he was a man 
of most undaunted mettle— though he had a heart as big as 
an ox, and a head that would have set adamant to scorn — yet 
after all he was a mere mortal : — wearied out by these repeated 
oppositions and this eternal haranguing, and perceiving that 
unless he comphed, the inhabitants would follow their own in- 
clinations, or rather their fears, without waiting for his con- 
sent, he testily ordered them to hand up the paper. It was 
accordingly hoisted to him on the end of a pole, and having 
scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he anathematized 
them all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate poltroons 
— threw the capitulation at their heads, slammed down the 
window, and was heard stumi^ing down stairs with the most 
vehement indignation. The rabble incontinently took to their 
heels ; even the burgomasters were not slow in evacuating the 
premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue from his 
den, and greet them with some unwelcome testimonial of his 
displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender, a legion of British 
beef -fed warriors poured into New- Amsterdam, taking posses- 
sion of the fort and batteries. And now might be heard from 
aU quarters the sound of hammers, made by the old Dutch 
burghers, who were busily employed in nailing up their doors 
and windows, to protect their vi'ouws from these fierce bar- 
barians, whom they contemplated in silent sullenness from the 
garret- windows, as they paraded through the streets. 

Thus did Col. Eichard Nichols, the commander of the British 
forces, enter into quiet possession of the conquered realm, as 
locum tenens for the Duke of York. The victory was at- 
tended with no other outrage than that of changing the name 
of the province and its metropolis, which thenceforth were 
denominated New-York, and so have continued to be called 
unto the present day. The inhabitants, according ^to treaty, 
were allowed to maintain quiet possession of their property ; 
but so inveterately did they retain their abhorrence of the 
British nation, that in a private meeting of the leading citi- 
zens, it was unanimously determined never to ask any of their 
conquerors to dinner. 



A EtSTOBT OF NEW-YORK. ^99 



CHAPTER IX. 

CONTAINING THE DIGNIFIED RETIREMENT AND MORTAL SURRENDER 
OP PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 

Thus, then, have I concluded thif^ great historical enterprise ; 
but before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet remains to be. 
performed one pious duty. If, among the variety of readers 
that may peruse this book, there should haply be found any of 
those souls of true nobility, which glow with celestial fire at 
the history of the generous and the brave, they will doubtless 
be anxious to know the fate of the gallant Peter Stuyvesant. 
To gratify one such sterling heart of gold, I would go more 
lengths than to instruct the cold-blooded curiosity of a whole 
fraternity of philosophers. 

No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the articles 
of capitulation, than, determined not to witness the humilia- 
tion of his favourite city, he turned his back on its walls, and 
made a growhng retreat to his Bounjery^ or country-seat, which 
was situated about two miles off; where he passed the re- 
mainder of his days in patriarchal retirement. There he 
enjoyed that tranquillity of mind which he had never known 
amid the distracting cares of government; and tasted the 
sweets of absolute and uncontrolled authority, which his fac- 
tious subjects had so often dashed with the bitterness of 
opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the city — on 
the contrary, he would always have his great arm-chair placed 
with its back to the windows which looked in that direction ; 
until a thick grove of trees, planted by his own hand, grew. 
up and formed a screen that effectually excluded it from the 
prospect. He railed continually at the degenerate innovations 
and improvements introduced by the conquerors— forbade a 
word of their detested language to be spoken in his family — a 
prohibition readily obeyed, since none of the household could 
speak anything but Dutch— and even ordered a fine avenue to 
be cut down in front of his house, because it consisted of Eng- 
lish cherry-trees. 

The same incessant vigilance that blazed forth when he had 
a vast province under his care now showed itself with equal 
vigour, though in narrower limits. He patrolled with unceas- 



800 A HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. 

ing watchfulness around the boundaries of his little territory; 
repelled every encroachment with intrepid promptness; pun- 
ished every vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his farm- 
yard with inflexible severity— and conducted every stray hog 
or cow in triumph to the pound. But to the indigent neigh- 
bour, the friendless stranger, or the weary wanderer, his 
spacious doors were ever open, and his capacious fire-place, 
that emblem of his own warm and generous heart, had always 
. a corner to receive and cherish them. There was an exception 
to this, I must confess, in case the ill-starred applicant was an 
Englishman or a Yankee, to whom, though he might extend 
the hand of assistance, he never could be brought to yield the 
rites of hospitality. Nay, if peradventure some straggling 
merchant of the east should stop at his door, with his cart-load 
of tin- ware or wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue forth 
like a giant from his castle, and make such a furious clatter- 
ing among his pots and kettles that the vender of ''notions'^ 
was fain to betake liimself to instant flight. 

His handsome suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the 
brush, was carefully hung up in the state bed-chamber, and 
regularly aired on the first fair day of every month — and his 
cocked hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim repose 
over the parlour mantel-piece, forming supporters to a full- 
length portrait of the renowned Admiral Van Tromp. In his 
domestic empire he maintained strict discipline, and a well- 
organized, despotic government ; but, though his own will was 
the supreme law, yet the good of his subjects was his constant 
object. He watched over, not merely their immediate com- 
forts, but their morals and their ultimate welfare ; for he gave 
them abundance of excellent admonition, nor could any of 
them complain, that, when occasion required, he was by any 
means niggardly in bestowing wholesome correction. 

The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demonstrations 
of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit, which are fall- 
ing into sad disuse among my fellow-citizens, were faithfully 
observed in the mansion of Governor Stuyvesant. New-year 
was truly a day of open-handed liberality, of jocund revelry, 
and warm-hearted congratulation— when the bosom seemed 
to swell with genial good-fellowship— and the plenteous table 
was attended with an unceremonious freedom, and honest, 
broad-mouthed merriment, unknown in these days of degen- 
eracy and refinement. Pas and Pinxter were scrupulously 
observed throughout his (Jominions; nor was the day of St. 



A BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. 301 

Nicholas suffered to pass by without making presents, hang- 
ing the stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its 
other ceremonies. 

Once a year, on the first day of April, he used to array him- 
self in full regimentals, being the amiiversary of his triumphal 
entry into New- Amsterdam, after the conquest of New-Sweden. 
This was always a kind of saturnalia among the domestics, 
when they considered themselves at liberty, in some measure, 
to say and do what they pleased ; for on this day their master 
was always observed to unbend, and become exceeding pleas- 
ant and jocose, sending the old gray-headed negroes on April 
fool's errands for pigeon's milk ; not one of whom but allowed 
himself to be taken in, and humoured his old master's jokes, 
as became a faithful and weU-disciplined dependant. Thus 
did he reign, happily and peacefully, on his own land— injur- 
ing no man— envying no man — molested by no outward strifes 
— perplexed by no internal commotions ; and the mighty mon- 
archs of the earth, who were vainly seeking to maintain peace, 
and promote the welfare of mankind, by war and desolation, 
would have done well to have made a voyage to the Httle 
island of Manna-hata, and learned a lesson in government 
from the domestic economy of Peter Stuyvesant. 

In process of time, however, the old governor, like all other 
children of mortality, began to exhibit tokens of decay. Like 
an aged oak, which, though it long has braved the fury of the 
elements, and still retains its gigantic proportions, yet begins 
to shake and groan with every blast— so was it with the gal- 
lant Peter ; for, though he still bore the port and semblance of 
Avhat he was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet 
did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour of his frame — 
but his heart, that most unconquerable citadel, still triumphed 
unsubdued. With matchless avidity would he listen to every 
article of intelligence concerning the battles between the 
English and Dutch — still would his pulse beat high, whenever 
he heard of the victories of De Ruj^ter — and his countenance 
lower, and his eyebrows knit, when fortune turned in favour 
of the English. At length, as on a certain day he had just 
smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping after dinner in his 
arm-chair, conquering the whole British nation ia his dreams, 
he was suddenly aroused by a fearful ringing of bells, ratthng 
of drums, and roaring of cannon, that put all his blood in a 
ferment. But when he learnt that these rejoicings were in 
honour of a great victory obtained by the combined English 



302 ^ HISTORT OF NEW-YORK. 

and French fleets over the brave De Euyter and the younger 
Van Tromp, it went so much to his heart, that he took to his 
bed, and, in less than three days, was brought to death's door 
by a violent cholera morbus ! But, even in this extremity, he 
still displayed the unconquerable spirit of Peter the Head- 
strong; holding out, to the last gasp, with the most inflexible 
obstinacy, against a whole army of old women, who were 
bent upon driving the enemy out of his bow-els, after a true 
Dutch mode of defence, by inundating the seat of war with 
catnip and pennyroyal. 

While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolution, 
news was brought him that the brave De Ruyter had suffered 
but httle loss — had made good his retreat — and meant once 
more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing eye of the old 
warrior kindled at the words — he partly raised himself in bed 
— a flash of martial fire beamed across his visage— he clenched 
his withered hand, as if he felt within his gripe that sword 
which waved in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, 
and, giving a grim smile of exultation, sunk back upon his 
pillow and expired. 

Thus died Peter Stuy vesant, a valiant soldier— a loyal sub- 
ject — an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman — ^who 
wanted only a few empires to desolate to have been immortal- 
ized as a hero. 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost gran- 
deur and solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied of its 
inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last sad hon- 
ours to their good old governor. All his sterling qualities 
rushed in full tide upon their recollections, w^hile the memory 
of his foibles and his faults had expired with him. The ancient 
burghers contended who should have the privilege of bearing 
the pall ; the populace strove who should walk nearest to the 
bier— and the melancholy procession was closed by a number 
of gray-headed negroes, who had wintered and summered in 
the household of their departed master, for the greater part of 
a century. 

With sad and gloomy countenances the multitude gathered 
around the grave. They dwelt with mournful hearts on the 
sturdy virtues, the signal services, and the gallant exploits of 
the brave old worthy. They recalled, with secret upbraidings, 
their own factious opposition to his government — and many an 
ancient burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never been 
known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten, v^s now observed to 



A III8T0RT OF NEW- YORK. 30B 

puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to steal down#his cheek 
— while he muttered, with affectionate accent, and melancholy 
shake of the head — "Well den! — Hardkoppig Peter ben gone 
at last!" 

His remains were deposited in the family vault, under a chapel, 
which he had piously erected on his estate, and dedicated to 
St. Nicholas — and which stood on the identical spot at present 
occupied by St. Mark's Church, where his tomb-stone is still to 
be seen. His estate, or Bouwery, as it was called, has ever con- 
tinued in the possession of his descendants, who, by the uni- 
form integrity of their conduct and their strict adherence to 
the customs and manners that prevailed in the ^^ good old 
times, " have proved themselves worthy of their illustrious an- 
cestor. Many a time and oft has the farm been haunted, at 
night, by enterprising money-diggers, in quest of pots of gold, 
said to have been buried by the old governor — ^though I cannot 
learn that any of them have ever been enriched by their re- 
searches : and who is there, among my native-born fellow-citi- 
zens, that does not remember, when, in the mischievous days of 
his boyhood, he conceived it a great exploit to rob "Stuyve- 
sant's orchard " on a holyday afternoon? 

At this strong-hold of the family may still be seen certain 
memorials of the inunortal Peter. His full-length portrait 
frowns in martial terrors from the parlour wall — his cocked 
hat and sword still hang up in the best bed-room— his brim- 
stone-coloured breeches were for a long while suspended in the 
hall, until some years since they occasioned a dispute between 
a new married couple -and his silver-mounted wooden leg is 
still treasured up in the store-room as an invaluable relic. 



CHAPTER X. ! 

THE author's reflections UPON WHAT HAS BEEN SAID. 

Among the numerous events, which are each in their turn 
the most direful and melancholy of all possible occurrences, 
in your interesting and authentic history, there is none that 
occasion such deep and heart-rending grief as the dechne and 
fall of your renowned and mighty empires. Where is the 
reader who can (^template, without emotion, the disastrous 



B04 ^ BISTORT OF" NEW-TORK. 

events bf^ which the great dynasties of the world have been 
extinguished? While wandering, in imagination, among the 
gigantic ruins of states and empires, and marking the tremen- 
dous convulsions that wrought their overthrow, the bosom of 
the melancholy inquirer swells with sympathy commensurate 
to the surrounding desolation. Kingdoms, principalities, and 
powers, have each had their rise, their progress, and their 
(Jownfall — each in its turn ha^s swayed a potent sceptre— each 
has returned to its primeval nothingness. And thus did it fare 
with the empire of their High Mightinesses, at the Manhattoes, 
under the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter — the fretful 
reign of William the Testy — and the chivalric reign of Peter 
the Headstrong. 

Its history is fruitful instruction, and worthy of being pon- 
dered over attentively; for it is by thus raking among the 
ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks of true knowledge 
are foimd, and the lamp of wisdom illumined. Let, then, the 
reign of Walter the Doubter warn against yielding to that 
sleek, contented security, that overweening fondness for com- 
fort and repose, that are produced by a state of prosperity and 
peace. These tend to unnerve a nation ; to destroy its pride of 
character; to render it patient of insult, deaf to the calls of 
honour and of justice ; and cause it to chng to peace, hke the 
sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of every valuable duty 
and consideration. Such supineness insures the very evil from 
which it shrinks. One right, yielded up, produces the usurpa- 
tion of a second ; one encroachment, passively suffered, makes 
way for another ; and the nation that thus, through a doting 
love of peace, has sacrificed honour and interest, will at length 
have to fight for existence. 

Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve as a salu- 
tary warning against that fitful, feverish mode of legislation 
that acts without system ; depends on shifts and projects, and 
trusts to lucky contingencies ; that hesitates, and wavers, and 
at length decides with the rashness of ignorance and imbecil- 
ity; that stoops for popularity, by courting the prejudices and 
flattering the arrogance, rather than commanding the respect, 
of the rabble ; that seeks safety in a multitude of counsellors, 
and distracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes and 
opinions; that mistakes procrastination for deliberate wari- 
ness — ^hurry for decision — starveling parsimony for wholesome 
economy — bustle for business, and vapouring for valour ; that 
is violent in council, sanguine in expect^ion, precipitate in 



A HISTOMT OF WE W- YORK 305 

action, and feeble in execution; that undertakes enterprises 
without forethought, enters upon them without preparation, 
conducts them without energy, and ends them in confusion 
and defeat. •. . 

Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effects of vigour 
and decision, even when destitute of cool judgment, and sur- 
rounded by perplexities. Let it show how frankness, probity, " 
and high-souled courage will command respect and secure hon- 
our, even where success is unattainable. But, at the same 
time, let it caution against a too ready reliance on the good 
faith of others, and a too honest confidence in the loving pro-' 
fessions of powerful neighbours, who are most friendly when 
they most mean to betray. Let it teach a judicious attention 
to the opinions and wishes of the many, who, in times of peril, 
must be soothed and led, or apprehension will overpower the 
deference to authority. Let the empty wordiness of his factious 
subjects; their intemperate harangues; their violent "resolu- 
tions;" their hectorings against an absent enemy, and their 
pusillanimity on his approach, teach us to distrust and despise 
those clamorous patriots whose courage dwells but in the 
tongue. Let them serve as a lesson to repress that insolence of 
speech, destitute of real force, which too often breaks forth in 
popular bodies, and bespeaks the vanity rather than the spirit 
of a nation. Let them caution us against vaunting too much 
of our own power and prowess, and reviling a noble enemy. 
True gallantry of soul would always lead us to treat a foe with 
courtesy and proud punctilio ;«. contrary conduct but takes from 
the merit of victory, and renders defeat doubly disgraceful. 

But I cease to dwell on the stores of excellent examples to be 
drawn from the ancient chronicles of the Manhattoes. He who 
reads attentively will discover the threads of gold which run 
throughout the web of history, and are invisible to the dull eye 
of ignorance. But, before I conclude, let me point out a solemn 
warning, furnished in the subtle chain of events by which the 
capture of Fort Casimir has produced the present convulsions 
of our globe. 

Attend, then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction, which, 
if thou art a king, an emperor, or other powerful potentate, I 
advise thee to treasure up in thy heart — though little expecta- 
tion have I that my work will fall into such hands, for well 
I know the care of crafty ministers to keep all grave and edi- 
fying books of the kind out of the way of unhappy monarchs 
—lest peradventure they should read them and learn wisdom. 



306 ^ BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. 

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir, then, did the 
crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph ; but drew upon their 
heads the vengeance of Peter Stuyvesant, who wrested all 
New-Sweden from their hands. By the conquest of New-Swe- 
den, Peter Stuyvesant aroused the claims of Lord Baltimore ; 
who appealed to the Cabinet of Great Britain ; who subdued 
the whole province of New-Netherlands. By this great achieve- 
ment, the whole extent of North America, from Nova Scotia 
to the Fioridas, was rendered one entire dependency upon the 
British crown — but mark the consequence : — The hitherto scat- 
tered colonies being thus consolidated, and having no rival 
colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great and power- 
ful, and finally becoming too strong for the mother country, 
were enabled to shake off its bonds, and by a glorious revolu- 
tion became an independent empire. But the chain of efforts 
stopped not here; the successful revolution in America pro- 
duced the sanguinary revolution in France, which produced 
the puissant Buonaparte, who produced the French despotism, 
wliich has thrown the whole world in confusion !— Thus have 
these great powers been successsivly punished for their ill- 
starred conquests— and thus, as I asserted, have all the pres- 
entconvulsions, revolutions, and disasters that overwhelm 
mankind, originated in the capture of the little Fort Casimir, 
as recorded in this eventful history. 

And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell— which, 
alas ! must be for ever— willingly would I part in cordial fellow- 
ship, and bespeak thy kind-hearted remembrance. That I have 
not written a better history of the days of the patriarchs, is 
not my fault--had any other person written one as good, I 
should not have attempted it at all. That many will hereafter 
spring up and surpass me in excellence, I have very little 
doubt, and still less care ; well knowing, when the great Christo- 
vallo Colon (who is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood 
his Qg^ upon its end, every one at the table could stand his up 
a thousand times more dexterously. Should any reader find 
matter of offence in this history, I should heartily grieve, 
though I would on no account question his penetration by tell- 
ing him he is mistaken— his good nature, by telling him he is 
captious— or his pure conscience, by telling him he is startled 
at a shadow. Surely if he is so ingenious in finding offence 
where none is intended, it were a thousand pities he should not 
be suffered to enjoy the benefit of his discovery. 

I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my fellow- 



A HISTORY OF NEW-TORK 307 

citizens, to think of yielding them any instruction ; and I covet 
too much their good- will, to forfeit it by giving them good ad- 
vice. I am none of those cynics who despise the world because 
it despises them— on the contrary, though but low in its regard, 
I look up to it with the most perfect good nature, and my only 
sorrow is, that it does not prove itself more worthy of the un- 
bounded love I bear it. 

If, however, m tliis my historic production— the scanty fruit 
of a long and laborious life— I have failed to gratify the dainty 
palate of the age, I can only lament my misfortune — for it is 
too late in the season for me even to hope to repair it. Already 
has withering age showered his sterile snows upon my brow ; 
in a little while, and this genial warmth, which stiU lingers 
around my heart, and throbs— worthy reader— throbs kindly 
towards thyself,- will be chilled for ever. Haply this frail 
compound of dust, which while alive may have given birth to 
nought but unprofitable weeds, may form an humble sod of the 
valley, from whence may spring many a sweet wild flower, to 
adorn my beloved island of Mamia-hata! 



ENOCH HOHGAN'S SONS' 




sm^m 



OLEAKS 

WINDOWS, 

MARBLE, 

KITES, 
P0I.ISHK3 

TIN-WA , 
lEON,STEEL,<feo. 



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More Words About the Bible, 

by Rev. Jas. S. Bush 20 

Monsieur Lecoq, GaboriauPt. I. .20 

Monsieur Lecoq, Pt. II 20 

An Outline of Irish History, by 

Justin H. McCarthy 10 

TheLeroiige Case, byGaboriau .20 
Paul Clifford, by Lord Lytton. . .20 
A New Lease of Life, by About. . 20 

Bourbon Lilies SO 

Other People's Money, Gaboriau.20 
The Lady of Lyons, Lytton... 10 

Ameline de Bourg 15 

A Sea Queen, by W. Russell 20 

The Ladies Lindores, by Mrs. 

Oliphant 20 

Haunted Hearts, by Simpson 10 

Loys, Lord Beresford, by The 

Duchess 20 

Under Two Flags, Ouida, Pt. I. . 15 

Under Two Flags, Pt. II 15 

Money, by Lord l^y tton 10 

In Peril of His Life, by Gaboriau.20 

India, by Max Miiller 20 

Jets and Flashes 20 

Moonshine and Marguerites, by 

The Duchess 10 

Mr. Scarborough's Family, by 

Anthony TroUope, Part 1 15 

Mr. Scarborough- 8 Family, PtII 15 
Arden, by A. Mary F. Robinson.l5 

The Tower of Percemont 20 

Yolande, by Wm. Black. 2) 

Cruel London, by Joseph natton.20 
The Gilded Crqne, by Gaboriau.20 
Piko County Folks, B II. Mott. .20 

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Henry Esmond, by 1hacke-ay..20 
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Denis Duval, by Thackeray 10 

Old CuiioKity Shop,Dickens,PtI.15 
Old Curiosity Shop, Part II... .15 

Ivauhoe, by Scott, Part 1 15 

Ivanhoe, by Scott, Part II 15 

White Wings, by Wm. Black.. 20 

The Sketch Book, by Irving 20 

Catherine, by W. LX. Thackeray.lO 

Janet's Eepentance, by Eliot 10 

Barnaby Rudge, Dickens, Pt I . . 15 

Barnaby Rudge, Part II 15 

Felix Holt, by George Eliot. . . .20 

Richelieu, by Lord Lytton 10 

Sunrise, by Wm. Black, Part I. .1.1 
£unrise, by Wm. Black, Part 11.15 
Tour of the World in ,80 Days. .20 
Mystery of Orcival, Gaboriau. . . .20 
Lovel, the Widower, by W. M. 

Thackeray 10 

Romantic Adventures of a Milk- 
maid, by Thomas Hardy 10 

David Copperfield, Dickens, Pt 1.20 

David Copperfield, Part II 20 

Rienzi, by Lord Lytton, Part I. .15 
Rienzi, by Lord Lytton, Part II. 15 
Promise of Marriage, Gaboriau.. 10 
Faith and Unfaith, by The 
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202. 
103. 
204, 
205. 

206. 

207. 



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Barry Lyndon, by Thackeray. . ..20 

Eyre's Acquittal. ..10 

Twenty Thousand Leagues Un- 
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Anti-Slavery Days, by James 

Freeman Clarke 20 

Beauty's Daughters, by The : 

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Beyond the Sunrise 20 

Hard Times, by Charles Dickens.20 
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Underground Russia, Stepniak. .20 
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Middlemarch, Part II 20 

Sir Tom, by Mrs. 01;i)hant. . ... 20 

Pelham, by Lord Lyiiou 20 

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Madcap Violet, by Wm. Black. .20 

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Green Pastures and Piccadilly, 

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Scottish Chiefs.Jane Porter,Pt.I.20 

Scottish Chiefs, Part II 20 

Willy Reilly, by Will Carleton. .20 
The Nautz Family, by Sbelley.20 
Gj eat Expectations, by Dickens. CO 
Pendenni8,by Thackeray, Part 1.20 
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Daniel Deronda,Geo Eliot,Pl. I.^O 

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AltioraPeto, by Oliphant 20 

By the Gate of the Sea, by David 

Christie Murray 15 

Tales of a Traveller, by Irving. . .20 
Life and Voyages of Columbus, 

by Washington Irving, Part I.. 20 
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by V/ashington Irving, Part 11.20 

The Pilgrim's Progress ... 20 

Martin Chuzzlewit, by Charles 

Dickens, Part 1 20 

Martin Chuzzlewit, Part it SO 

Theophrastus Such, Goo. Eliot.. .20 
Disarmed, M. Betham-Edwards..]5 
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The Spanish Gypsy and Other 

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Cast Up by the Sea. Baker 20 

Mill on the Floss, Eliot, Pt. I. . .15 

Mill on the Floss, Part II 15 

Brother Jacob, and Mr. Gilfil's 

Love Story, by George Eliot. . .10 
Wrecks in the Sea of Life 20 




gECRET 

gEAUT^. 

How to Beautify the Complexion, 



All women know that it ie beauty, rather than geniui, which all Benerattona 
of men have worehipped in the eex. Can it be wondered at, then, that ao much 
of woman's time and attention should be directed to the means of developlnr 
and preservins: that beauty I The moat important adjunct to beauty is a clear, 
amooth. eof t and beautiful Bkin, With thia esaential a lady appeara handsoma. 
ercn If her features are not perfect. 

Ladies afflicted with Tan Precklea, Rough or Diacolored Skin, should loaa 
no time in procuring and applying 

LAIRD'S BLOOM OF YOUTH. 

It will immediately obliterate all such imperfections, and is entirely harm- 
less. It has been chemically analyzed by the Board of Health of New York City, 
and pronounced entirely free from any material injurious to the he ilth or skin. 

Over two million ladies have uj*ed this delightfal toilet preparation, and In 
every instance it has driven entire natisfaction. Ladies, if you desire to be beauti- 
ful, give I.AIRD'8 BLOOM OP YOUTH a trial, and be convinced of its won- 
derful efficacy. Sold by Fancy Goods Dealers and Druggists everywher*. 
Price, 76c. per BoUle. Depot, 83 Jobn St., N. Y. 

FAIR FACES, 

And fair, in the literal and most pleading sense, are 
those kept rnKSH and fcbb by the use of 

BUCHAN'S CARBOLIC TOILET SOAP 

This article, which for the past fifteen years has 
had the conunendatioa of everv lady who uses it, is 
made from the best oils, combined with just the 
proper amount of glycerine and chemically pure 
carbolic acid, and is the realization of a PKR> 
FBCT SOAP. 

It will positively keep the skin fresh, clear, and white; removing tan, 
freckles and discolorations from the skin; healing all eruptions; prevent chap- 
ping or roughness ; allay irritation and soreness ; and overcome ail unpleasant 
effects from perspiration. 

Is pleasantly perfumed ; and neither when using or afterwards is the slight- 
est odor of the acid perceptible. 

BUCHAN'S CARBOLIC DENTAL SOAP 

Cleans and prt^serves the teeth; cools and refreshes the month; aweetena the 
breath, and is in every way an unrivalled dental preparation. 

BUrHAlV9S CARBOLIC MEDICINAI. SOAP cures all 

Eruptions and Skin Diseases. 




